Here I go again...(Help)..

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, dudelikewhoa said:

 she wasn't respecting my wishes to stop messaging me.  There has just been radio silence.  

Maybe she's finally respecting this and cooling off. That's ok. You definitely have insight into the power struggle with both wanting to steer. 

These arguments seem to start over simple things and sort of ignite into an out of control wildfire.Tempers flair and harsh words ensue.

Unfortunately you can't do much about her temperament or personality and looking up personality disorders won't really help your situation. All you can do is not throw fuel on the fire.

For example: when she asked you to wake her. Instead of apologizing that you forgot or got caught up in packing, you launched into a defensive position about how it's not your job. 

[dudelikewhoa]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Would you rather be right or be close?  I'd practice -I do- literally shutting your mouth and listening to the other person without internally rehearsing your response or interjecting.  I've been practicing that even more for the last 10 years -why? Because when my mother in law was in hospice and dying my husband wasn't expressing himself about it often.  I didn't want to force him -he was by her side as much as possible, he was so close to her and such a wonderful son - but - he didn't express a lot to me. Or anyone.

  So when he did share with me, speak -whether about her or something else, I squelched my chatty ways and just listened,  With good eye contact- no eyes on a phone or device etc.  And I kept on doing this as much as possible after she died and for all these years.  He's more introverted and I want him to feel listened to as much as possible.  Practice it -it's worth it IMO.

This is fantastic advice and a lovely story to relate to.  I def need to practice this!  Thank you!

[dudelikewhoa]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe she's finally respecting this and cooling off. That's ok. You definitely have insight into the power struggle with both wanting to steer. 

These arguments seem to start over simple things and sort of ignite into an out of control wildfire.Tempers flair and harsh words ensue.

Unfortunately you can't do much about her temperament or personality and looking up personality disorders won't really help your situation. All you can do is not throw fuel on the fire.

For example: when she asked you to wake her. Instead of apologizing that you forgot or got caught up in packing, you launched into a defensive position about how it's not your job. 

Yeah, Its a good point.  I should of just shut my mouth and listened to her gripe.  Instead, I was exhausted by the fact that she was having a week-long irritable state because of a pinched nerve in her neck and just went into defense mode since I had been so accommodating the entire day.  She told me not to take her injury irritability personally - but her energy had went from loving to vaguely distant right after our Thanksgiving trivial argument that it made me start to feel like, perhaps, she was starting to check out of the relationship.   But that could be a projection.  For example, when we make weekly hang out plans...she always jumps to want to be together.  She started to be like : "We hang out alot.  I have things to do." -- which is FINE with me!  But her delivery of her statement came across more curt than casual.

[dudelikewhoa]

UPDATE:  Well, she reached back out to me and apologized in one line.

"I’m really sorry for being so harsh. I was just so incredibly hurt and upset on a much grander scheme than just an argument. It was the pain of feeling like I could never truly get through to you about what I needed from you in our relationship. It just so often felt like you weren’t hearing me, you were talking over me, your thoughts and opinions and need to be right greatly overshadowed any request from me."

Like I mentioned before I am a work in progress and have been and will continue to be in therapy to improve my shortcomings, including any communication skills I can improve on. She knew that and was always expressing happiness and optimism about it.  Not phoned in optimism, but expressed with affection.

Then she goes on to BREAK UP WITH ME...

"I don’t want that last talk to be the way it goes down between us, and I hope you understand that I’m really horribly upset that this is happening. Despite everything, I love you tremendously and you are a good person with a good heart. I will miss your friendship and companionship more than you realize."

Well, that was the last talk -- being that she decided to flush our nearly 1.5 year deep relationship down the toilet via a text message while she knew I was on a job.

"I don’t think you’d feel the need to tell someone more than once how impossible to please they are or that they’re difficult if you WERE happy."

I did tell her I felt she was "being" hard to please.  I was happy.  I can be happy and simultaneously bothered by something and willing to put in the work.  I am not black & white.

"It hurts very bad because I love you, and because I love you, I feel it would be unfair of me to keep you with me as a person who has become unhappy with this relationship because you don’t deserve that either."

How can someone go through months and months and months of being giddy to talk to me on a daily level, wanting to crawl in bed with me and wrap her arms around me be so unhappy?  I was not unhappy aside from the occasional fights that we were working through.  Otherwise, I was and still am massively in love and was willing to fully go to bat for us.

I respond with a text about how I was highly disappointed that she decided to do this by text message. And that I respect her wishes while making it clear that I still love her and I am not sure this is what I want. She goes on to respond multiple times...keeping the conversation going for nearly 90 minutes with messages like:

"A good relationship is work - but it’s not work like this and we both have to be realistic about that."

I can't buy into this.  We weren't at each others throats daily.  We averaged every 3-4 months having an important argument.  And more simple, trivial arguments about one a month.  Aside from that, we were inseparable.  We laughed with each other daily and were each other's best friend.

"I don’t want that to be true, but it is and any person in a healthy long term relationship will tell you that." 

Most people I know in long term relationships will say it's hard work and not always balloons and flowers. Warts and all, as they say.  Think and thin, as they say.

"After what happened on our anniversary, I think it really broke something in me that I could never quite recover as much as I wanted to or tried. It caused me to be unhappy and I started to feel resentment for the fact that it took something that made me feel beyond terrible and the actual reality of losing me to hear me about going to therapy."

This part I understand -- it was about an incident nearly five months ago where we had a trivial argument 2 days before our one year anniversary where she was being extremely dismissive and sarcastic and I got frustrated and broke it off with us for about approximately five minutes, I instantly cooled off and apologized for saying such a thing and that I did not mean it. It was too late and she had an emotional meltdown.  It was wrong and not my best moment. It took her a month to seemingly forgive me and for us to get fully back on track.

That was our true rough patch and it signaled me to get back to therapy so that I am not so verbally reactive.  But we seemed to have been working through it.  Not in a delusional manner, but mutually expressed with happiness by her.  Then we went on an amazing trip to NYC together.

I go on to say a different version of what I said prior, that I hear her but was equally willing to try and that I feel like she is walking away from a good foundation and that I am not interested in a breakup. 

But again, I understand and will respect her wishes.

She continues on:

"I can’t be in denial anymore. I’m not happy. I’m sorry that it came to all this and I really wish it could have worked. I’ve stopped believing it would or could ever change and it’s not fair to either of us to live with unhappiness. I love you tremendously, but the degree and severity of the recent fights was never comfortable for me. I am exhausted and I just don’t have it in me and it really breaks my heart."

I repeat that I take what she says to heart and I remind her of my stance saying: 

"I hear everything you say and I want you to know that I don’t take it lightly. Things sucked at times and were great most of the time.  When the bad would arise, I would say to myself — we love each other so damn much.  Why is this one part so dumb?  However, I have to employ the thought process of ‘not letting the good be the enemy of the perfect’. You are and were worth it to me. 

I’m a full work in progress with conflict resolution and I know I need to pull my head out of my ass sometimes and I work that daily.

I hear you.  I understand you.  I don’t want this.  I love you.  I accept your decision and I am not going to continue to try and change your mind.

I would never want to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep me."

And that's that so far.  She did not respond to that last response and I will not be reaching out beyond that.  I know I was upset about this incident  -- but this stings.  Reality has set in that she in ending us, via text. 

My sister seems to think she is possibly bluffing and wanting validation that I want to be with her and that she is saying all of this to me and then contradicting herself and hiding behind text messages to avoid dealing with “another argument” and she might be testing me. It’s as if she has convinced herself of some narrative, can’t hold herself accountable, and knows that if she has a conversation with me, she will have to question the narrative she’s concluded is right, and risk holding herself accountable. Easier to do things this way so she doesn’t have to “be exhausted” by dealing with it or my side of things.

I am not sure I agree with my sister.  But she is pretty intuitive and knows how much my girlfriend was in love with me.

Anyways, I guess that is the end of it for now.  I am sitting here in a hotel, on a work trip unable to sleep.  Pure heartbreak and sadness has not set in yet.  I am just jaw dropped that someone so hell bent on always talking or being face to face on difficult subjects, who expressed such deep love for me: broke up with by a freaking text message.  😞

Wow.

 

[Batya33]

She didn’t apologize. She justified her harshness. I’d take this at face value and that way you can start to move on f .  I’m sorry this happened and I hope you feel better. 

[boltnrun]

Your sister is telling you your ex is playing games. I too would not pay attention to this advice.

I think it's good you have chosen to accept your ex's decision. That shows respect.

[dudelikewhoa]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She didn’t apologize. She justified her harshness. I’d take this at face value and that way you can start to move on f .  I’m sorry this happened and I hope you feel better. 

Agreed.  Not sure I will hear from her again.  Perhaps time will help her realize what has truly happened and will have to come to terms with a life without me.

Regardless, I will keep working on myself. 😕  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

  can’t be in denial anymore. I’m not happy. I’m sorry that it came to all this and I really wish it could have worked. I’ve stopped believing it would or could ever change and it’s not fair to either of us to live with unhappiness. I love you tremendously, but the degree and severity of the recent fights was never comfortable for me. I am exhausted and I just don’t have it in me and it really breaks my heart." She did not respond to that last response and I will not be reaching out beyond that. 

Sorry this is happening. At least she explained things.  She doesn't sound like a deranged psycho or personality disorder in these texts. She sounds like someone who's done fighting. 

It seems like she cooled down, reflected and decided it's not working.She does mention prior arguments and they seem like too much wear and tear.  Unfortunately I agree that there was too much conflict.

Maybe you'll hear from her maybe not. Did she pack up all her stuff when she said it was over and left your place? 

[dudelikewhoa]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. At least she explained things.  She doesn't sound like a deranged psych or personality disorder in these texts. She sounds like someone who's done fighting. 

It seems like she cooled down, reflected and decided it's not working.She does mention prior arguments and they seem like too much wear and tear.  Unfortunately I agree that there was too much conflict.

Maybe you'll hear from her maybe not. Did she pack up all her stuff when she said it was over and left your place? 

No, we have separate homes. Im on a work trip.  She texted me this.  No call.  Just text.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

No, we have separate homes. Im on a work trip.  She texted me this.  No call.  Just text.

That's ok. Texts may be less confrontational and it seems she's avoiding this. In fact that seems to be the reason she needs to end things. You didn't call her either. Please Try to see that this may be for the best. She claims you're unhappy with her and there's a ring of truth to that. 

[dudelikewhoa]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. Texts may be less confrontational and it seems she's avoiding this. In fact that seems to be the reason she needs to end things. You didn't call her either. Please Try to see that this may be for the best. She claims you're unhappy with her and there's a ring of truth to that. 

I hear you but I have to disagree a bit.  I do not think a text messaging break-up was a loving way to end something that was 1.5yrs and very deep and intimate - nearing moving in with each other.  Saying all the 'love you tremendously' etc etc -- that is not a respectful way to leave something that was so important to her.

I did not call her yet because the way she left things we're very ugly with the berating, insulting texts.  So I was giving it time.  She literally texted me while I was on a job, out of town. There was no true space for a call. 

I hear what she is saying fully.  We don't argue every single time we have a difficult conversation.  I think this is a different beast.  She is making assumptions over spontaneous conflicts.

I generally think break-ups are for the best because they obviously need to happen for one person or both.  If you love someone, you should always be willing to let them go.  I was not unhappy with her as a whole...my unhappiness was circumstantial and based on specific incidents.  I was always willing to work on things. we agreed previously about taking a couple's therapy session to work through some differences and she was on board...she just never did her part to help initiate that.  

I would never say this about any other relationship I have had.  This feels premature and a waste of a good foundation.

[bluecastle]

24 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

This feels premature and a waste of a good foundation.

Sorry you're dealing with all this. 

I've highlighted the above as a statement I hope you can reflect on it with a wider—and perhaps more honest—lens at some point on your healing journey. Because at least from these seats? It's very hard to reconcile "good foundation" with the early tension surrounding your female friendships, which seemed to have reached a boiling point after only 6 months, followed by another wave of tension surrounding your usage of Instagram.

To stretch the "foundation" analogy a bit: If you were talking here about a new home you would be describing one where the literal foundation was showing very serious cracks almost immediately after moving in—a home where very little weight was required on the proverbial floorboards to challenge its structural integrity. After all, there was no severe weather system that came through and led to this present moment—no major lie surfacing, no sudden illness or loss of a job—but just the basic business of coexisting. 

Typically, when we are drawn to someone who wears their insecurities on their sleeve in the way that she has it's because some insecurity inside of us has been activated. That can be very hot and very vulnerable and can feel, for a stretch, like profound intimacy. Over time, however, it so often curdles into drama. Drama can be fun too—I fully own I have a sweet tooth for it—but it's a bit like candy: Try to make a full meal out of it and you end up sick and malnourished.

There might be a lesson there, for the building of future foundations—with others, and within.

[dudelikewhoa]

22 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry you're dealing with all this. 

I've highlighted the above as a statement I hope you can reflect on it with a wider—and perhaps more honest—lens at some point on your healing journey. Because at least from these seats? It's very hard to reconcile "good foundation" with the early tension surrounding your female friendships, which seemed to have reached a boiling point after only 6 months, followed by another wave of tension surrounding your usage of Instagram.

To stretch the "foundation" analogy a bit: If you were talking here about a new home you would be describing one where the literal foundation was showing very serious cracks almost immediately after moving in—a home where very little weight was required on the proverbial floorboards to challenge its structural integrity. After all, there was no severe weather system that came through and led to this present moment—no major lie surfacing, no sudden illness or loss of a job—but just the basic business of coexisting. 

Typically, when we are drawn to someone who wears their insecurities on their sleeve in the way that she has it's because some insecurity inside of us has been activated. That can be very hot and very vulnerable and can feel, for a stretch, like profound intimacy. Over time, however, it so often curdles into drama. Drama can be fun too—I fully own I have a sweet tooth for it—but it's a bit like candy: Try to make a full meal out of it and you end up sick and malnourished.

There might be a lesson there, for the building of future foundations—with others, and within.

Thank you. That is a very good analogy and I will 100% put thought into that.

[dudelikewhoa]

51 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

To stretch the "foundation" analogy a bit: If you were talking here about a new home you would be describing one where the literal foundation was showing very serious cracks almost immediately after moving in—a home where very little weight was required on the proverbial floorboards to challenge its structural integrity. After all, there was no severe weather system that came through and led to this present moment—no major lie surfacing, no sudden illness or loss of a job—but just the basic business of coexisting. 

Typically, when we are drawn to someone who wears their insecurities on their sleeve in the way that she has it's because some insecurity inside of us has been activated. That can be very hot and very vulnerable and can feel, for a stretch, like profound intimacy. Over time, however, it so often curdles into drama. Drama can be fun too—I fully own I have a sweet tooth for it—but it's a bit like candy: Try to make a full meal out of it and you end up sick and malnourished.

A little context:  If I am understanding you properly.  She never wore her insecurities on her sleeve from the start.  She had this air that she was healthy, into therapy, into hiking, was not a jealous type etc.

I've known her in passing for years.  She is a friend of a friend.  Always the sweetest person to talk to.  I remember looking in her eyes and having this strange, deja vu type feeling that we knew each other or we would meet again or something important would happen?  It sounds weird.  But then we re-connected naturally and this turned into one of the most important relationships of my life.

The insecurities started to come out after we started dating.  She is flawed.  I can tolerate some level of bulls**t and have my own boundaries.  I would say that she only did a few things that really made question the relationship.  The female friendship thing and the IG thing. mainly.  Other than that, I felt like our conflict resolution could of easily been improved with some techniques in couples therapy.  Also, once she got settled with me -- she stopped hiking (because I didn't hike which is not an excuse) and in a round about way blamed me, she stopped going to personal therapy (which she raved about), she stopped going to the gym, she got lazy.  Those are her things to hold up.  I wonder if that made her feel unhappy and she could not face her own accountability for that.

I digress -- When I used the foundation analogy I felt like I meant that it never felt like the foundation was detrimentally compromised.  It just felt like it could be patched up.  Her side of that foundation comment was that: "There’s a usable foundation but it’s a house without a roof and the rainfall is eroding the foundation." and I said "I have been on a ladder actively working on the roof — and I am hellbent on finishing it." and she replied "You see yourself working on the roof but you don’t see that I’m cold and shivering and unwell.".  

I don't know.  Maybe me writing is helping me process through this.  A friend of mine feels like she sounds like she is retroactively memory re-writing about all of the punctuations about unhappiness.  Because she only exhibited unhappiness in the moments of conflict -- and in between all of the 100's of days was ecstatic to talk to me daily, would want to game with me at night until we fell asleep and would throw her arms around me, falling asleep like a baby.  That doesn't show signs of someone battle through months and months of unhappiness.  

That is why I feel confused -- unless she was putting on the performance of a lifetime.

[MissCanuck]

Whatever her reasoning, the bottom line remains the same: she doesn't want to continue the relationship.

Maybe she staged this to cover up the real reason she is ending it. For all you know, she has met someone else and dummed up all kinds of noise to distract you from the truth. 

 

[dudelikewhoa]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Whatever her reasoning, the bottom line remains the same: she doesn't want to continue the relationship.

Maybe she staged this to cover up the real reason she is ending it. For all you know, she has met someone else and dummed up all kinds of noise to distract you from the truth. 

 

Perhaps!  However, it is probably not healthy for me to think about that.

I understand she does not want to continue.  That is why I ended the conversation with:

I hear you.  I understand you.  I don’t want this.  I love you.  I accept your decision and I am not going to continue to try and change your mind.

I would never want to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep me.

And that was how it was left.  I have no intention on reaching out or responding unless she has something substantial to say.

It just sucks.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I hear you.  I understand you.  I don’t want this.  I love you.  I accept your decision and I am not going to continue to try and change your mind I would never want to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep me.

And that was how it was left.  I have no intention on reaching out 

This is a great approach. You left a sincere closing statement and are stepping back. I don't think the breakup was manufactured to obscure another interest.

Because of your prior threads, ongoing conflicts and especially the blow out where she canceled a trip and refunded your money. While you did seemingly recover from each event, they seem to have cumulatively taken their toll. 

Sorry this is happening. Take your time reflecting and healing. It's all so raw now.