Is my gf (F32) staying with me (M31) for the wrong reasons?

[Kristian111]

Long story short, me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years with alot of ups and downs. Ill be the first to admit i havent been a good boyfriend in alot of ways, especially emotionally due to a lack of emotional parenting and loneliness throughout most of my life aswell and very limited relationship experience. Im working on it and have only recently become aware through the help of a therapist that I am a person with very low emotional intelligence. She has said many times she wishes she had left me earlier and wanted to leave me. That happened again today when we were arguing and I asked her why shes still staying with me  if she feels that way? And she answered "because we stupidly bought a house together". Then I asked her why thats a hinderance to her leaving me and she said its because she cant afford to sell the house. I told her Ill pay for all of it if thats what you really want. Then she said she doesnt want that because she doesnt want to waste any more money on rent anymore (currently she rents and I own an appartment and we bought a house contract). Its pretty concerning to me that her first reasonings for wanting to stay in the relationship is that we bought a house and she doesnt want to rent anymore. When I adressed how thats concerning to me, that she didnt first say its because she still loves me (that came after I addressed it) she told me im overracting and catastrophizing. I went on to get more confronting about it and she called me a whiny baby that just wants attention What do you think? Am I overracting? I dont want any bias towards me because I am the poster. Thank you

[Batya33]

I’m sorry you two aren’t getting along. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. At all. I would focus now on disentangling the mingling of money and property. ASAP. I’m sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Kristian111 said:

 alot of ups and downs. Ill be the first to admit i havent been a good boyfriend. I asked her why shes still staying with me  if she feels that way? And she answered "because we stupidly bought a house together". 

Sorry this is happening. What are the arguments about? How long have you lived together? Whose idea was it to buy a house together? 

Do you both work?  Have friends and family nearby? Have individual as well as joint hobbies and interests? 

How is the rest of your relationship and intimacy? What do you mean by "haven't been the best BF? 

Does she want to continue the relationship or just live as roommates?

Unfortunately it was silly to buy a house together if the relationship wasn't stable. You're already in therapy so that's all you can do about that.

Unfortunately it does seem like you two argue too much and for some reason you seem to think being confrontational is a good idea. Perhaps save all the analysis for therapy and please don't use it in arguments. 

[Kristian111]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What are the arguments about? How long have you lived together? Whose idea was it to buy a house together? 

Do you both work?  Have friends and family nearby? Have individual as well as joint hobbies and interests? 

How is the rest of your relationship and intimacy? What do you mean by "haven't been the best BF? 

Does she want to continue the relationship or just live as roommates?

Unfortunately it was silly to buy a house together if the relationship wasn't stable. You're already in therapy so that's all you can do about that.

Unfortunately it does seem like you two argue too much and for some reason you seem to think being confrontational is a good idea. Perhaps save all the analysis for therapy and please don't use it in arguments. 

Both talked about a house for a long time and finally found one we loved. Todays argument was about kitchen design for new house. Sex is awesome. I give her lots of complinents. Etc but have issues beeing emotionally neglecting. Lash out when she upsets me etc. I feel like she wants to continue the relationship, but only because it gives her a better home and financial situation, not because shes attracted to me anymore. 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Is my gf (F32) staying with me (M31) for the wrong reasons?

Depends on morale compass I guess. But yes, she is certanly not staying with you for love.

There are people whos primary goal is to use other people. For example, your girlfriend will gladly sacrifice her hapiness and to maybe find somebody who she wont fight, for a convinience of owning a home and not getting back to renting. Heck, I wouldnt be surprised that she choosed you for that convinience in the first place. If she puts material even over her own hapiness and love, then you are most likely chosen for that, and not for love. In addition to that, she is abusive.

46 minutes ago, Kristian111 said:

I went on to get more confronting about it and she called me a whiny baby that just wants attention

And that very much so. 

You wont find any love there. Try to severe financial ties and go separate ways.

[Kristian111]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Depends on morale compass I guess. But yes, she is certanly not staying with you for love.

There are people whos primary goal is to use other people. For example, your girlfriend will gladly sacrifice her hapiness and to maybe find somebody who she wont fight, for a convinience of owning a home and not getting back to renting. Heck, I wouldnt be surprised that she choosed you for that convinience in the first place. If she puts material even over her own hapiness and love, then you are most likely chosen for that, and not for love. In addition to that, she is abusive.

And that very much so. 

You wont find any love there. Try to severe financial ties and go separate ways.

I can tell you very confidently that her intention from the start of our relationship wasnt to use me. She has no idea that I had the means to buy a house untill 2 years into our relationship. We were super in love, felt like soulmates and gradually there was just more and more fighting and now that she knows I have wealth and can get a house she just "deals" with me with the love having dwindled away slowly.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Kristian111 said:

 Sex is awesome.  not because shes attracted to me anymore. 

Unfortunately this makes no sense. It seems more like you two just argue way too much. Please try to keep therapy in therapy and please try to be less confrontational. You two chose to live together unfortunately so you'll have to try to get along and pick your battles.

[Andrina]

In your situation, what she said and your feelings of not being loved is reason enough to break up. Often, once bitterness builds and the love is lost, there's no returning to love, even if through therapy, behavior improves.

However you can get out of the house deal, or to get out of a deal with her as a co-owner, I'd do so. Even if you have to lose a deposit.

[smackie9]

Spend your money on a lawyer to force the sale of the house so you both can move on.