Partner *** on my new job; now they have a new job and I resent them

[sunsetlion]

Hi everyone. My (27F) partner (30NB) and I have been talking for 2 years and official for 1. Generally we have had a great relationship with a lot of support from both sides. After having some issues we couldn't resolve, we recently started couples' therapy which has helped immensely. Ever since we started things have been heading upward in a positive direction as we are working on becoming unenmeshed - the therapist said that we are codependent.

Long story short, we both took a coding bootcamp last September for 6 months. I got a job the following July at a top company while my partner had their same job. While they did do some supportive things for me (celebrate with me and my friends, write me a nice card, etc.) I feel like they put a real damper on my new job experience because they were insanely jealous of me. Making passive aggressive remarks ("Good luck with your FAANG job I guess"), lamenting about how it's not fair that I got a job before them, getting sad every time I mentioned something about my job, and acting like I stole the job from them just because they applied and never heard back. It was horrible. Eventually I just stopped talking to them about my job, they did apologize a few times and stopped making those comments or being negative about it and we brought it up (briefly) in couples' therapy as well, but I guess I'm realizing it still doesn't feel resolved or great to me.

Today, they finally got an offer for a junior developer position at a nice creative agency in NYC. Half of me feels happy for them, and half of me feels pissed that they rained on my parade so much when I got my job. I know I'm not going to treat them the way that they treated me, but I'm left feeling a lot of resentment about it. So while they moaned and groaned at me for weeks, at least over a month, maybe two, while I was feeling guilty and fighting against the thought that I didn't deserve the opportunity, they get to enjoy their new job without feeling guilty about anything because I'm going to try to be positive and support them.

I probably need to bring it up but I don't want to make what's supposed to be a happy time for them about me - which is what they did to me. We don't have couples' therapy until 3 weeks from now, and I know we're going to have a celebration for them before then. I'm just worried I'm obviously going to be feeling off about it. It's really difficult to hide how I'm really feeling, but I don't want to bring the vibes down at a celebration for them or, again, make it about ME and MY feelings. I just want to cry and rage! I know they can't take back what they did but it's still really hurting me. What should I do to try and resolve this situation or maybe change my feelings about it?

TL;DR: When I got my new job my partner was somewhat supportive but insanely jealous and rude to me about it since we were trying to be in the same field. They finally found a job and I'm feeling resentful about how they rained on my parade when I got my new job. I don't want to treat them the same way, but I don't want to bring it up and make it about me - how should I handle this?

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, sunsetlion said:

So while they moaned and groaned at me for weeks, at least over a month, maybe two, while I was feeling guilty and fighting against the thought that I didn't deserve the opportunity, they get to enjoy their new job without feeling guilty about anything because I'm going to try to be positive and support them.

Yes. Because that is how it should work and you should be a beter human being than them. 

Morale values differ from culture to culture and from individual to individual. But in general, they say that you should be positive and suportive about stuff like this. And shouldnt jeoperdise those values just because your partner couldnt do the same. That is the reflection of your partner poor behavior. This would be a reflection of your behavior. And you should do it properly because of your positive morale values. And not be the same as your partner and vindictive and trying to get back at them.

On the other hand, it is highly concerning that your partner couldnt be happy for you. And it should be something that should make you rethink the relationship quite a bit. Because again, they didnt treat you properly. And maybe instead of being vindictive you should ask yourself why they were being like that and how that reflects on a relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, sunsetlion said:

 I have been talking for 2 years and official for 1. we recently started couples' therapy which has helped immensely. 

It's great you're in couples counseling. Do you live together? How old is your partner and do you both have roughly equally incomes? 

Hopefully with counseling you two can get a the root of the resentment and competition. Your partner seems to suffer from  insecurity and schadenfreude (happy at your misfortune, sad about your success). Hopefully your partner is in individual therapy as well. 

Unfortunately it seems almost like a frenemy type of situation where there's too much social rivalry.

[sunsetlion]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes. Because that is how it should work and you should be a beter human being than them. 

Morale values differ from culture to culture and from individual to individual. But in general, they say that you should be positive and suportive about stuff like this. And shouldnt jeoperdise those values just because your partner couldnt do the same. That is the reflection of your partner poor behavior. This would be a reflection of your behavior. And you should do it properly because of your positive morale values. And not be the same as your partner and vindictive and trying to get back at them.

On the other hand, it is highly concerning that your partner couldnt be happy for you. And it should be something that should make you rethink the relationship quite a bit. Because again, they didnt treat you properly. And maybe instead of being vindictive you should ask yourself why they were being like that and how that reflects on a relationship. 

I get that that is how it should work, and I'm going to try my best to be a better person. Obviously I won't be making passive aggressive comments to them or treating them poorly because of it. But I don't think my feelings about this are just going to go away on their own either. My plan wasn't to be vindictive, but I do still feel resentful. I'm just very hurt and not sure how to move past the way they treated me.

[sunsetlion]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're in couples counseling. Do you live together? How old is your partner and do you both have roughly equally incomes? 

Hopefully with counseling you two can get a the root of the resentment and competition. Your partner seems to suffer from  insecurity and schadenfreude (happy at your misfortune, sad about your success). Hopefully your partner is in individual therapy as well. 

Unfortunately it seems almost like a frenemy type of situation where there's too much social rivalry.

We don't live together (luckily). I'm 27 and they're 30. For a long long time I made way more money than them but I took a pay cut to switch careers. I still made more before they took on this new job, but now they'll be making slightly more than me at this new gig but not by that much, so basically the same.

Yes, they are in individual therapy as well. I don't know what the hell they were telling their therapist when they were so rude to me for months but the more I think about it the more my blood boils.

It just should have never been a comparison in the first place but I guess it was. We went to the same bootcamp but we have completely different backgrounds, and mine just made it a little easier for me to stand out and get interviews.

[Andrina]

Technically together only a year and you need couples therapy? Dating is to see who matches you and who you can get along with. It's called vetting. I would have bailed if the person who is supposed to be my soft pillow to land on at the end of a stressful day treated me like that.

As the wise Maya Angelou said: When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. 

[sunsetlion]

23 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Technically together only a year and you need couples therapy? Dating is to see who matches you and who you can get along with. It's called vetting. I would have bailed if the person who is supposed to be my soft pillow to land on at the end of a stressful day treated me like that.

As the wise Maya Angelou said: When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. 

That's totally understandable, and I can't possibly give enough context as to why I think overall they're a fundamentally good person to convince everyone about it. I do at least think they're a good person and I know they'd feel really ***ty if they knew I was still thinking about their behavior.

I also think that therapy was just the logical solution if there were issues we couldn't resolve but we still wanted to make it work. I don't want to throw out a pretty fulfilling relationship because of a few issues. Now if I didn't think my partner would grow then that would be another question. We just don't have it for a few weeks and I'd hate to feel this way from now until then. I do see where people are coming from though and everyone has the right to proceed in the way that makes them feel happiest, and for some people it would be a dealbreaker.

I almost did bail on them honestly, but things improved after starting therapy. I'm realizing that I was probably much more hurt by their behavior than I thought though.

[Batya33]

To me therapy is not the solution in a dating relationship if a year unless there are children or a pregnancy involved. To me the go to solution would be to move on separately. 

[sunsetlion]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me therapy is not the solution in a dating relationship if a year unless there are children or a pregnancy involved. To me the go to solution would be to move on separately. 

I appreciate your perspective and can respect our differences.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband used to derisively refer to me as "Little Miss Perfect" because I am very careful not to speak unless I'm certain I'm right about something. I ended up causing a car accident once and his response was "I'm so glad that happened.  I finally have something to hold over your head."  Um, not "Wow, are you OK?"

Notice I referred to him as my EX husband.  Anyone who would be happy at my misfortune isn't someone I want to spend my life with.

Have you asked your partner to explain why they were so unsupportive?  I think if they said "I'm sorry, I was jealous and resentful.  It wasn't fair to you and I wish I hadn't done it.  I'll be supportive going forward" that would go a long way.  But if they feigned ignorance and said "I don't know what you're talking about" that would also show who they really are.

[sunsetlion]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

My ex husband used to derisively refer to me as "Little Miss Perfect" because I am very careful not to speak unless I'm certain I'm right about something. I ended up causing a car accident once and his response was "I'm so glad that happened.  I finally have something to hold over your head."  Um, not "Wow, are you OK?"

Notice I referred to him as my EX husband.  Anyone who would be happy at my misfortune isn't someone I want to spend my life with.

Have you asked your partner to explain why they were so unsupportive?  I think if they said "I'm sorry, I was jealous and resentful.  It wasn't fair to you and I wish I hadn't done it.  I'll be supportive going forward" that would go a long way.  But if they feigned ignorance and said "I don't know what you're talking about" that would also show who they really are.

That is absolutely awful and I'm so glad that he's your EX-husband. Someone that thinks carefully about their actions and words is actually someone to be cherished, and obviously he couldn't appreciate you for that! I've also been called something similar in a condescending manner by family members who know me.

That's true. We've had multiple discussions about it until the conflict kind of petered out because I stopped bringing my job up around them. They did apologize after the fact a few times. I think maybe trust has been broken and until I have something I'm proud of and they don't take a dump on it I'm probably going to feel wary about sharing my accomplishments with them. It sucks because this wasn't just a new job, it was my dream job. They often express that they wish they could be as confident as me, so I think they probably need to work on their self esteem. I wasn't always confident and still have some self esteem issues but I can recognize when something is my problem to deal with.

[boltnrun]

It's fine that it bothers you.  I can't imagine it wouldn't.  And feeling hurt and wariness is normal.  I don't think you should feel bad about having those feelings.

However, it's important to determine if these events and feelings are enough for you to no longer feel loved and if they've permanently destroyed your trust in your partner.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, sunsetlion said:

But I don't think my feelings about this are just going to go away on their own either.

And that is fine. You are hurt because they wasnt more supportive and were salty because they werent chosen for the job. But again, that means that you should rethink your relationship. As you both have quite resentment toward each other. 

[smackie9]

Your partner has some mental issues probably stemming from childhood. Obviously this does need to be addressed in future more thoroughly in your counselling sessions. Someone who suffers, the chemistry/negative thoughts take time to settle down, that's why it went on for so long....they don't have the coping skills to control their emotions. It triggered them and sent them back to a time where this was their response to their insecurity/anxiety. Once it tapers off, clearer thinking happens and they saw what they did was horrible...in turn they apologized. Revenge is not the way to go here, and yes tho it seems unfair, you must restrain yourself. It's better to approach this in therapy and see where this takes you. If they put in very little effort to maintain/control their condition, that's when you call it quits. None of this is yours to solve, it is up to them to do all the work.