Is my friend saying he doesn't want to see me again?

[CherrieTart]

I've been friends with benefits with a guy for a year he's busy working a lot now. So, we don't get to see each other as much as we used to. Sometimes we go months without seeing each other. I saw him yesterday and we talked. He told me not to limit myself and that it was okay for me to date. Because I deserve to be happy and if dating other people makes me happy then it's ok (I told him I was dating someone). He said I deserve to be happy. And to be involved with someone who can give me more of their time etc. I get what he's saying but I told him that it wasn't an issue for me. And that I like spending time with him because I feel safe. I almost broke down telling him how I've always been treated. And not being comfortable with other people. I told him I was verbally abused. And he said he was both verbally and physically.

I asked him if he was saying that he didn't want to see me again and he said no that's not what he was saying.

 

Also Should I stop seeing this new guy?

I went out on a date with a guy last week the date was nice. But he was horny the entire time. And he kept touching himself (trying to hide that he was aroused). After the first date, he told me he liked my personality. And that he thought I was attractive and cool. I went on a second date with him and I noticed he was looking down at my breasts. He told me we could go back to my car and talk. I already knew he wanted to make out in the car. Because he had mentioned it after the first date. So when he went to the bathroom I left the restaurant. He texted me asking if everything was ok. I lied and said my mother had an emergency.

He's been saying he wants a relationship and had been trying to get me to go out with him for an entire year. He has never said that he ONLY wants sex.

Should I go out with him again?

 

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, CherrieTart said:

I've been friends with benefits with a guy for a year he's busy working a lot now. So, we don't get to see each other as much as we used to. Sometimes we go months without seeing each other. I saw him yesterday and we talked. He told me not to limit myself and that it was okay for me to date. Because I deserve to be happy and if dating other people makes me happy then it's ok

Of course you're allowed to date, you two are not involved, you are only FWB.

You are free to do whatever you want 😉 .  Don't wait around for someone like that! Guys always manage the sex part w/out getting emotionally invested.  Most often us women are the ones who need to be careful. 

As for this guy you've done dinner with, again, up to you.  Of course he be horny, it is sex he wants, lol.  Is good you made him wait though.  So, how do YOU feel?  You truly like him?  Then carry on. 🙂 

[CherrieTart]

Just now, SooSad33 said:

Of course you're allowed to date, you two are not involved, you are only FWB.

You are free to do whatever you want 😉 .  Don't wait around for someone like that!

As for this guy you've done dinner with, again, up to you.  Of course he be horny, it is sex he wants, lol.  Is good you made him wait though.  So, how do YOU feel?  You truly like him?  Then carry on. 🙂 

Yes, I know I can date but I'm asking if he's saying he doesn't want to see me again. 

And as for the new guy, he's been telling me all along that he wants to be in a relationship with me. He never said he only wanted sex. I get that he can be aroused but does that excuse his behavior?

[SooSad33]

9 minutes ago, CherrieTart said:

He said I deserve to be happy. And to be involved with someone who can give me more of their time etc. I get what he's saying but I told him that it wasn't an issue for me. And that I like spending time with him because I feel safe.

Like I said, we women can tend to come to have feelings, while they don't, most often.

The thing is, what do YOU want here?  Are you okay with not seeing your fwb for months?  Then maybe this is how it's just going to have to be.  because, should you start dating someone, I doubt you'd be willing to go hang with your fwb again/ anymore. Due to respect for your relationship.

Re: this guy you had a date with, if YOU are uncomfortable with his behaviour, then thats a sign you're not comfortable.  Then avoid him.

[CherrieTart]

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Like I said, we women can tend to come to have feelings, while they don't, most often.

The thing is, what do YOU want here?  Are you okay with not seeing your fwb for months?  Then maybe this is how it's just going to have to be.  because, should you start dating someone, I doubt you'd be willing to go hang with your fwb again/ anymore. Due to respect for your relationship.

Re: this guy you had a date with, if YOU are uncomfortable with his behaviour, then thats a sign you're not comfortable.  Then avoid him.

I'm not saying I want to be in a romantic relationship with the FWB. I'm just used use to him and his company as I said he's like family to me. 

Yeah, I did feel uncomfortable but I don't know why I mean I know he wants to sleep with me. But I guess maybe his actions make me feel uneasy. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, CherrieTart said:

I asked him if he was saying that he didn't want to see me again and he said no that's not what he was saying.

You asked him directly and he said that not what he meant. It seems like he's trying to maintain boundaries and distance himself a bit. 

As far as the other guy, if he creeps you out so much you left the restaurant when he went to the bathroom, this isn't worth pursuing. 

Perhaps get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Please screen well and if the first meets are uncomfortable, just say it's not a match and move forward.

Please be more sincere and forthcoming with yourself as well as others that you are looking for a relationship, not no-strings sex, FWB, situationships, etc. 

Please try to slow your roll. Start with a brief coffee/drink and see what the situation is. Relationships take time to develop so try to pace yourself and check for chemistry and compatibility as well as cutting your losses sooner when there's red flags and deal breakers. 

[CherrieTart]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You asked him directly and he said that not what he meant. It seems like he's trying to maintain boundaries and distance himself a bit. 

As far as the other guy, if he creeps you out so much you left the restaurant when he went to the bathroom, this isn't worth pursuing. 

Perhaps get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Please screen well and if the first meets are uncomfortable, just say it's not a match and move forward.

Please be more sincere and forthcoming with yourself as well as others that you are looking for a relationship, not no-strings sex, FWB, situationships, etc. 

Please try to slow your roll. Start with a brief coffee/drink and see what the situation is. Relationships take time to develop so try to pace yourself and check for chemistry and compatibility as well as cutting your losses sooner when there's red flags and deal breakers. 

Yeah, I asked him because I wanted to know what he was saying. 

I never told the new guy I wanted to be friends with benefits. We matched on a dating app a year ago. And he had been trying to get me to date him. And I finally decided to do so as he had been telling me he wanted a relationship.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, CherrieTart said:

I'm just used use to him and his company as I said he's like family to me. 

I don't think he feels the same way about you, or you would be hearing from him and seeing him a lot more. 

It seems you are not being honest with yourself about how attached you are to this FWB. He, on the other hand, is keeping his distance and is not attached to you the same way. It is evident he sees that you have stronger feelings for him and he's trying to nudge you away. Maybe he will see you again if it's convenient for him but you need to take a step back from him. You're clearly not that comfortable with this arrangement and it's starting to hurt. 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

So, a guy who stared at your breasts only wants sex. But a guy "cleaning your pipes" once every few months dont. Both are terrible candidates for a relationship. And just want one thing. And you are not too far either. With having FWB but trying to have a serious relationship. Break up your FWB arrangement. Then try to date for real. Prefferably with somebody who wont stare at your breasts whole date.

Also, have you said your FWB how you are dating in hopes that he would pursue something more? Weak move girl, weak move. He just wants one thing. Hence why he doesnt care if you date around at all.

[CherrieTart]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

So, a guy who stared at your breasts only wants sex. But a guy "cleaning your pipes" once every few months dont. Both are terrible candidates for a relationship. And just want one thing. And you are not too far either. With having FWB but trying to have a serious relationship. Break up your FWB arrangement. Then try to date for real. Prefferably with somebody who wont stare at your breasts whole date.

Also, have you said your FWB how you are dating in hopes that he would pursue something more? Weak move girl, weak move. He just wants one thing. Hence why he doesnt care if you date around at all.

No, I'm not telling him that hoping he'll want to date me. I just told him because I'm being honest what's wrong with that? He told me if I met someone and had sex to tell him and we could just be friends without the sex. He never said he didn't want to see me again.

The second guy said he wants a relationship and he's been saying that for over a year now.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, CherrieTart said:

No, I'm not telling him that hoping he'll want to date me. I just told him because I'm being honest what's wrong with that? He told me if I met someone and had sex to tell him and we could just be friends without the sex. He never said he didn't want to see me again.

The second guy said he wants a relationship and he's been saying that for over a year now.

The problem is choosing to add intercourse increases the risk of the friendship also ending.  Especially if one person gets the impression the other person wants more.  He may have met someone who prefers him not being in touch with people he recently had sex with and is friends with.

[CherrieTart]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

The problem is choosing to add intercourse increases the risk of the friendship also ending.  Especially if one person gets the impression the other person wants more.  He may have met someone who prefers him not being in touch with people he recently had sex with and is friends with.

I'm not sure what you're saying he didn't say he met someone. I told him I went out on a date with someone. And he told me it was okay if I wanted to date since he and I are just friends. And if I actually met someone I liked and wanted to have sex with. To let him know and he and I would stop having sex and just be friends.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, CherrieTart said:

I'm not sure what you're saying he didn't say he met someone. I told him I went out on a date with someone. And he told me it was okay if I wanted to date since he and I are just friends. And if I actually met someone I liked and wanted to have sex with. To let him know and he and I would stop having sex and just be friends.

I am saying that if you choose to have sex with a friend it greatly increases the risk of all sorts of misunderstandings and miscommunication and the choice to end the friendship happens much more often. Sounds like the sex was fun and good while it lasted. 

[Andrina]

On 11/13/2023 at 4:44 PM, CherrieTart said:

I'm just used use to him and his company as I said he's like family to me. 

FWBs are meant to be temporary, so this looks like a watershed moment whereas the end should now happen. You're upset enough to write on a forum about him, questioning if he no longer wants you around. So that's the point you should realize you're getting too emotionally invest in him.

You're not understanding that being friends with him will drive away any new dating prospects, who won't be comfortable with you hanging out with an ex FWB. And if you think he won't completely cut you off when he gets a gf, you're very naive. Best to free yourself now. It's the right time.

 

[CherrieTart]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

FWBs are meant to be temporary, so this looks like a watershed moment whereas the end should now happen. You're upset enough to write on a forum about him, questioning if he no longer wants you around. So that's the point you should realize you're getting too emotionally invest in him.

You're not understanding that being friends with him will drive away any new dating prospects, who won't be comfortable with you hanging out with an ex FWB. And if you think he won't completely cut you off when he gets a gf, you're very naive. Best to free yourself now. It's the right time.

 

I don't understand why me wanting to know if he wants to continue seeing me is an issue. Like why is that a problem? Communication is important it has nothing to do with catching feelings. 
I wanted to know if he wanted to continue having sex or not. He is the one who said that he and I could still be friends even if we don't have sex. He told me to let him know if I start having sex with someone else so that we can stop.

[catfeeder]

If a guy ever made me uncomfortable enough to ditch out on the date, then that's the last he'd ever see of me.

Trust your gut, which is telling you that you don't trust the guy.

As for your FWB, you already asked him, and he answered. What more can we tell you?

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, CherrieTart said:

I don't understand why me wanting to know if he wants to continue seeing me is an issue. Like why is that a problem? Communication is important it has nothing to do with catching feelings. 
I wanted to know if he wanted to continue having sex or not. He is the one who said that he and I could still be friends even if we don't have sex. He told me to let him know if I start having sex with someone else so that we can stop.

Yes and when the reality hit he realized he couldn't handle it/didn't want to handle it - like I said sex complicates friendships.  Or he realized being friends with a woman he had intercourse with might hamper his opportunities -he might have his eye on someone he likes and not want to mess it up if she finds out he's close friends with a woman he had intercourse with.

Yes in general communication is important.  Specifically -he is communicating -his silence is his way of showing you he wants space from you.  Silence is his answer to your question - take his silence as a NO.  

[Andrina]

On 11/13/2023 at 4:24 PM, CherrieTart said:

Sometimes we go months without seeing each other.

Aren't FWBs operated in a way that there are no expectations about how often you see each other, and that there is no expectation of regular texting, except to arrange a hookup? Isn't that the point, that there are no ties and you meet up when convenient for both?

Is it that you've sought a FWB for a particular reason, or that you wanted to be in his life in any way possible, even though you'd prefer to date him if he wanted you as a gf? Are you giving all of the choices over to him, and you're a passive participant who will allow herself to be moved wherever another chooses on the chess board?

I'm just trying to figure out the bigger picture here. What is the ideal life you're picturing for yourself, and what are you presently doing to reach your life goals.

Sounds like you're oddly feeling safe with a man who is so detached that it's irrelevant to him what you do with your life. If you haven't properly received therapy for past trauma, I'd take care of that before being in and entering into any relationships with men.

When you're coming here with your problems about the FWB, it means it no longer is satisfying to you. It doesn't matter what his choices are, whether what he says to you is truth or a lie. You're doing yourself a great disservice to see this man as your safe spot in the world. This is an illusion.

 

[CherrieTart]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and when the reality hit he realized he couldn't handle it/didn't want to handle it - like I said sex complicates friendships.  Or he realized being friends with a woman he had intercourse with might hamper his opportunities -he might have his eye on someone he likes and not want to mess it up if she finds out he's close friends with a woman he had intercourse with.

Yes in general communication is important.  Specifically -he is communicating -his silence is his way of showing you he wants space from you.  Silence is his answer to your question - take his silence as a NO.  

He might not want to be friends with a woman he’s had sex with. Again he never said he didn’t want to be friends with me….

[CherrieTart]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If a guy ever made me uncomfortable enough to ditch out on the date, then that's the last he'd ever see of me.

Trust your gut, which is telling you that you don't trust the guy.

As for your FWB, you already asked him, and he answered. What more can we tell you?

Yeah I did feel uncomfortable today he told me that he was disappointed that I left the restaurant. And that I didn’t like the place. He said he’s never experienced someone being so disconnected with him on a date. I don’t know what he expects when he was being a creep.

I was actually going to give him another chance but I think I’m done this is crazy. 

[LootieTootie]

No girl... your second date with him sealed it that he's a creep.

Also, if your FWB is telling you to go date and enjoy dating other, and you only see each other once in a blue moon, its obvious this man isn't in to you.

I hope you realized that the more you continue being a "second thought" in this FWB's life, you will always perpetuate a pattern with men who don't treat you like a "primary thought." Part of healing from abusive (and creepy) men is to love yourself, and treat yourself as someone who is deserving of healthy love. It looks like you're just trying to avoid a commitment because your afraid and you stick with a FWB who tells you to go see other men.

 

 

[CherrieTart]

3 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

No girl... your second date with him sealed it that he's a creep.

Also, if your FWB is telling you to go date and enjoy dating other, and you only see each other once in a blue moon, its obvious this man isn't in to you.

I hope you realized that the more you continue being a "second thought" in this FWB's life, you will always perpetuate a pattern with men who don't treat you like a "primary thought." Part of healing from abusive (and creepy) men is to love yourself, and treat yourself as someone who is deserving of healthy love. It looks like you're just trying to avoid a commitment because your afraid and you stick with a FWB who tells you to go see other men.

 

 

He told me it was ok for me to date other people because we aren’t in a relationship. He said if it makes me happy then I should. I’m not really sure why people are saying it means that he doesn’t want to see me anymore. When he told me that’s not what he meant. If he said that’s not what he meant then that’s it. 
 

The second guy is disappointed because I left and because I didn’t like the restaurant. He said he’s never felt so disconnected with anyone on a date. I don’t get it I mean the way he was acting made me feel uncomfortable. 

[LootieTootie]

I'm not saying he doesn't want to see you, I'm saying he's treating you as an afterthought and telling you to date other men. Are you ok with that?

If you're ok with being an afterthought and an occasional FWB - yes, feel free to keep this relationship. 

[CherrieTart]

Just now, LootieTootie said:

I'm not saying he doesn't want to see you, I'm saying he's treating you as an afterthought and telling you to date other men. Are you ok with that?

If you're ok with being an afterthought and an occasional FWB - yes, feel free to keep this relationship. 

You’re making it seem like he just randomly said it’s ok if I date other men. He only said it because I mentioned that I had gone out on a date.  He wasn’t telling me to go be with someone else because he didn’t want to see me again. He and I are friends whether we have sex or not. He even told his mother that he and I are friends.

[LootieTootie]

On 11/13/2023 at 1:24 PM, CherrieTart said:

He told me not to limit myself .... Because I deserve to be happy and if dating other people makes me happy then it's ok

 

He pretty much told you he's totally ok with you dating other men. 

Again, I ask you, are you okay with an occasional FWB telling you it's fine for them if you date other men?