Is it normal to foist another friend on you

[Callia]

My friend always invites another friend along. She has even done it without telling me in advance. Is that weird???

I like this other person, Mike, but I don't think he is genuine person. He already has a lot of friends and is very busy with work, and he lives a very self-absorbed, hedonistic lifestyle. He's a total slacker with his friends, never invites me, doesn't add value, but just tags along. That makes me feel like he's HER friend, not mine. (They are old friends.)

I prefer to hang out with people who are genuine and who are truly interested in becoming genuine friends vs. someone who is just tagging along with another person and never reaches out to me or makes any genuine effort.

I am also a bit hurt and miffed because I had a death in my family recently and Mike took a WEEK to send a text message of condolence. I felt it was too little, too late. I already had an issue feeling like he was a slacker as a friend, but as far as I'm concerned, this latest behavior is not something I can overlook. 

But my friend keeps inviting Mike without even asking me. I told her I felt ambushed this last time and she got really upset. I explained that I was hurt by his behavior (about the late message of condolences) and she acted so shocked, like I was being unreasonable. Even though I had mentioned that before!! And even though she admitted she would feel the same way!

Would that hurt your feelings? Should I be forced to hang out with someone who doesn't seem to have the capacity to behave as a genuine, caring friend just to "keep the peace"?

 

[Wiseman2]

 Sorry to hear that. Condolences. How long have you know this friend and how long have you known Mike? 

If you don't like hanging out with Mike, try to excuse yourself if those two are going to hang out. 

Think of him as an acquaintance or a friend of a friend rather than a close friend, since you seem to find his personality and manners objectionable. 

[Batya33]

Huge pet peeve of mine. I am very into dynamics of one on one vs group and not into the more the merrier especially without advance notice. My friend used to do this with her older sister- invite her along and she was a sour person and rude to wait staff. Cursed in front of my young child (yes my friend always knew I’d be bringing my son). 
what I would do next time when you make the plan ask if Mike is coming. Tell your friend if so you prefer to schedule when it’s just the two of you. Also tell her if Mike shows up you likely will leave. 

[Starlight925]

Ugh, I have a friend who does this.  We will show up where we are scheduled to meet, and she'll say "oh I hope it's ok, I invited X to join us".  X can be anyone.  Most recently, it was a woman we both know, more of an acquaintance, that my friend had just run into that day at the store.  So, what I thought was going to be more of an intimate conversation amongst two friends turned into more of an awkward, small talk dinner.

I once told her I didn't appreciate this, and she made some little jab comment at me, like, oh, I guess you don't like many people.  I backed off of her for quite a while actually.

You run the risk of telling your friend you simply don't like Mike, and even if you ask her to please not let this get back to Mike, she still might.  

But this isn't about Mike, because she'll then choose Bob, or Cheryl, or Bill.  Someone else will take Mike's place, because your friend doesn't appreciate the friendship boundaries you two share.

For Mike to take a week to text, to me, that's not a big deal.  You are not super close to Mike.  When people in my life passed away, some people reached out to me months later, and I appreciated any recognition.  

You are using the "week to text" as another reason to say that you don't like Mike.  

In reality, you not only don't like Mike, you don't like the fact that when your friend invites him, it makes you feel less important, less significant of a friend, less appreciated.   I get it, I feel the same way.....like are you not enough of a friend to enjoy one-on-one?

This bothers you, so you will have to bring it up to your friend.  But don't make it about Mike.  Don't even mention his name.  Just tell her that you really want to spend one-on-one time with her, and please don't invite anyone else.  Matter of fact.  You'll  know from her response  how she really feels.

 

[Callia]

On 11/12/2023 at 8:06 PM, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry to hear that. Condolences. How long have you know this friend and how long have you known Mike? 

If you don't like hanging out with Mike, try to excuse yourself if those two are going to hang out. 

Think of him as an acquaintance or a friend of a friend rather than a close friend, since you seem to find his personality and manners objectionable. 

Thank you. I have known this friend for about two years and Mike for maybe a year and half.

I don't mind having him as an acquaintance, but he tags along frequently. With the amount of time I spend with Mike, I feel he should be more than an acquaintance. I am not interested in triflling, superficial relationships. It kind of bothers me to let someone into my life and have them treat me and think of me as no more than an acquaintance.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Callia said:

Thank you. I have known this friend for about two years and Mike for maybe a year and half.

I don't mind having him as an acquaintance, but he tags along frequently. With the amount of time I spend with Mike, I feel he should be more than an acquaintance. I am not interested in triflling, superficial relationships. It kind of bothers me to let someone into my life and have them treat me and think of me as no more than an acquaintance.

So is the issue Mike or the issue of if you make one one one plans there is typically a reason so you’d like to know in advance if someone else will come and if so you might choose to reschedule 

[Cherylyn]

My condolences for your loss in your family. 

I wouldn't feel offended due to Mike's delayed condolence text because he's not considered your friend.  He's most likely relegated to less than acquaintance status for you.  The less close you are to someone,  the less you should expect of them regarding social graces or etiquette.  They're not important to you and you're not important to them either.  It works both ways.

In the future,  BEFORE you get together with your friend,  confirm that the tag along guy,  Mike will not be present as part of socializing that day or evening. 

Yes,  my feelings would be hurt and I'd feel very disrespected to have to share a friend with more people in the mix which is awkward and uncomfortable.  I wholeheartedly agree with you. 

Have boundaries and speak up. 

[catfeeder]

You've already explained to your friend that you don't like having to learn that she's invited the guy after you've already made plans with her, yet she keeps doing it anyway. So she obviously doesn't care how you feel about it. So maybe I'd start looking for a more considerate friend.

Meanwhile, if you continue to see her, I'd just assume that making plans with her means that she will include the guy. Decide how often you really want to see her based on that, and then you won't feel so frustrated when it happens.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but maybe you'll end up with some nicer friends because you're miserable enough with this one to motivate yourself to move her into an acquaintance category and move beyond her. Head high.