Should I feel guilty or not?

[ilovecats666]

So,

Long story short, I have a semi tense relationship with much of my family. But ESPECIALLY my grandma (on my dad's side). 

She's easily the meanest person I've ever known. She met a boyfriend of mine once and was unbelievably mean to him. 

So, now I'm at the point dating this guy currently that I'm probably going to be introducing him to my family. BUT, I don't want him to ever have to interact with my grandma. I feel like she has lost her privileges to anyone in my life with her past (consistent) behavior. 

The thing is, her and my dad are my only family in state. 

Which I could avoid her now. But eventually if it gets more serious, the holidays are a concern. And if I ever move in with him, all hell WILL break loose. It has before. 

I really think I personally cannot handle seeing her interact with anyone more than anything. 

But, I know as soon as my dad knows, she will too. 

Any advice on how to navigate keeping boundaries with her without being cruel? Because I know she will be hurt about not meeting him. But it just isn't going to happen. 

Also I'm a little afraid my dad will pressure it a little even though he also can't stand her. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, ilovecats666 said:

 But eventually if it gets more serious, the holidays are a concern. And if I ever move in with him, all hell WILL break loose. 

Please try to calm down. You're in a distance situation with a new BF and you're not even sure how that's going to turn out. 

If you have various degrees of difficulty with family members that's ok. You don't live with them. Try to take a deep breath and stop catastrophizing about your BF and family. If they ever meet, cross that bridge when you come to it. 

At 28, eventually you can have a good relationship with someone local and perhaps one day get married and have a family. Why would "all hell break loose" if you're just figuring out how to manage a distance situation and if it will even last? 

[Batya33]

Simply limit it even if you have to physically put yourself between you and him and warn him in advance.  I was subjected to an obnoxious family member on my husband's side last Spring.  I'd met him before but he's clearly gone off the rails -and he is separated from my husband's blood relative but was at this meal.  He also tried to influence my son and basically made trouble and tried to get me to debate with him (I did not take the bait and it was really awkward).

Because he is not the actual relative/separated from our relative I told my husband since we plan on returning there this year I will NOT be around him again (other than in passing if essential).  I feel comfortable with this boundary because of his relationship to the family.  But if it were a grandparent or close family member I'd simply show up, I'm an adult - and take care of me and or have my spouse's back if it was my side of the family. 

Adults in romantic relationships typically have to deal with a family member like this and often just take care of themselves.  Have some faith in your bf especially since you will warn him in advance.

[Lambert]

it's hard with boundaries and family. But if you're old enough to live on your own, pay your own pay, then you can do what you want and decide for yourself.

[Andrina]

Does your grandma live with your dad? Is it your goal to cut your grandma from your life, or you want to interact with her sometimes even though she's the meanest person you know?

You could choose not to take part in the Dad/Grandma holiday gathering and just take your Dad out on a separate occasion for a holiday meal. The holidays are supposed to be joyous occasions and as an adult, you can start your own new traditions with a partner and/or friends who are chosen family.

Just because people are blood doesn't give them rights to what you do on holidays or anything else you do in your life.

[Jaunty]

Since your dad can't stand your grandma either, please just stand up for yourself.  Tell your dad that you'd like to introduce your bf to him, do some holiday things with him or whatever, but your grandmother is not welcome to be present.

It's up to him whether to participate with you or not.

If you are talking about family holiday gatherings, you won't be able to control who is invited to them.  That depends on the family and mainly who is hosting.  So if you won't have your bf and grandmother in the same place at the same time, you might need to excuse yourself from attending some things.  

[catfeeder]

This sounds premature to worry about. If you end up getting serious with the guy, then you'll trust him enough to explain the situation, and the two of you can figure out together how to best work it. You can turn it into something to laugh about. He might even volunteer to meet her anyway, and the crankier she gets, the funnier you both could find it. 

Really, what's she gonna do, beat him with her cane?

[Jaunty]

I've responded to other threads of yours.  It seems that you have a tendency to jump ahead significantly and start ruminating or, at the least, trying to figure out what you will do in the possibility that something happens.  Something that is not current.  

This grandmother situation is one of them, obviously.

IF you and this boyfriend are together and in the same place at the same time (because you are long distance now, correct?) you will deal with how to incorporate him into your life with your family of origin.   

Frankly, I think that if you do stay together, and if you do end up living near your father and your hated grandmother, you, like so very many other adults, will LEARN how to maintain solid and healthy boundaries.

This won't necessarily look like keeping your boyfriend and your grandmother from ever meeting.   It might look much more like a short visit over a holiday, not staying over, eating a meal, being polite, not engaging in any toxic behavior with the problem grandma, and then leaving.  

You'll figure it out.

That said - who knows.  Maybe she won't even be living by the time you are in a situation to introduce this guy to family.

[smackie9]

Ya finally stand up for yourself. She behaves poorly, tell her that is the reason she will never meet him. Be firm about it. Your an adult, you can do or not do anything you want.