Reoccurring issue in my relationship

[Arvy]

Hey everyone, 

To start, i've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 4 years now, but we constantly keep tackling an issue that has really been tearing us apart and I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts or ideas on it. Ever since the honeymoon phase ended, there would be times where if I couldn't meet an expectation or if we get into a small argument she would say how I "Never" do/did this or all i "always" do that, and the first few times it didn't really affect me too much but after that, it would start to hurt me really bad because I really do love and give everything I can to her. I know i'm not perfect and have alot of stressors (i.e family/money/college/work/etc) that all push me down but after the first few times she says that to me it starts to make me feel like everything I have done for her regarding that topic that she says "you never do this" seem destroyed and it somewhat discourages me from trying to do that again or pushing my self to do more. I'm not really an aggressive sort of boyfriend usually, I feel like i'm the calm and quiet time usually but when she brings this up i think it makes me super defensive and I start to bring up when I did do that and that I DO do whatever the "that" is, in "You never do that",and she would get upset that I bring up the things that I do and that I use it against her, when I try to communicate that I only bring it up because when she says things like that it destroys everytime I did "that" for her and out of pain and to be honest it might not be even to let her know but to even let myself know that no, i do do this and that, and I do care and put everything I can into this relationship, if that makes sense kind of? After the argument I know she was just in a mood and she didn't truly mean it the way she says and she even tells me that in the make-up after the argument but I for some reason it just really hurts me from the constant barrage of it (its not everyday or every week for that matter but its been constant enough that its a big issue in the relationship). I'm not sure what do about it, I usually am not argumentative but I feel like when she does say those particular words it just makes me super defensive because I constantly feel like I can't meet all her needs or meet all her expectations and it makes me feel useless and like i'm not enough for her. This other night it was worse because she mentioned how she is anxious now for me to do nice things for her because she's scared that I might use it against her later and i tried to communicate to her that it would help if she stops saying the words "never and always" regarding things because it destroys me because I put all my heart and soul and love into this relationship and I can't do everything all the time to her expectations but I really do try my best. Any thoughts on how to tackle this? I really do love her and I hate that it makes me defensive but I just feel so hurt and in pain and useless at those times... 

Appreciate any help! 

[Batya33]

The honeymoon phase doesn't justify bad communication after and there doesn't need to be this phase as you describe it.

We fall into bad patterns like that sometimes -but honestly it's about setting ground rules - tell each other what is off limits and if the person feels tempted they have to come up with ways to avoid -deep breath/count to ten/walk away, delete the email, etc.  As my mom says marriage (I am married) is about giving kindness -and if  you think you've given enough, give more, etc.  So we put our easy way out temptation to vent about "always" and "never" and we watch how we speak and interact for the benefit of our partner so we don't hurt feelings/hit below the belt so to speak.

Everyone has stressors. Do you think there's an underlying issue such as one person wants to marry and one doesn't? Also does it come up in the same situation like household duties, etc?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Do you live together? Do you both work and go to school?

Unfortunately you're in a power struggle and just hurting each other wearing each other out with chronic who's right, who's wrong, who does more for whom circular arguments.

This isn't about always/never semantics or semantics at all. It's about chronic unresolved conflicts, resentment, incompatibilities and an unhealthy attachment. Please step back and reflect on this no-win situation. 

Consider setting both of yourselves free to reduce the stress of chronic unresolved conflicts. 

[Andrina]

Get the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Each day, take turns reading a chapter aloud to one another. It'll be an eyeopener. Make sure you practice the skills learned in those pages. If you both care enough, you'll make the effort. 

[smackie9]

After the honeymoon phase ends, we see who we are actually dating with clearer vision. You both sound incompatible. 

[SooSad33]

On 10/20/2023 at 2:49 AM, Arvy said:

i'm not perfect and have alot of stressors (i.e family/money/college/work/etc) that all push me down but after the first few times she says that to me it starts to make me feel like everything I have done for her regarding that topic that she says "you never do this" seem destroyed and it somewhat discourages me from trying to do that again or pushing my self to do more. I'm not really an aggressive sort of boyfriend usually, I feel like i'm the calm and quiet time usually but when she brings this up i think it makes me super defensive and I start to bring up when I did do that and that I DO do whatever the "that" is, in "You never do that",and she would get upset that I bring up the things that I do and that I use it against her, when I try to communicate that I only bring it up because when she says things like that it destroys everytime I did "that" for her and out of pain and to be honest it might not be even to let her know but to even let myself know that no, i do do this and that, and I do care and put everything I can into this relationship, if that makes sense kind of? After the argument I know she was just in a mood and she didn't truly mean it the way she says and she even tells me that in the make-up after the argument but I for some reason it just really hurts me from the constant barrage of it

Sounds like she is damaging you 😕 . This isn't good at all. And to the point of you feeling you're not good enough.

Fine then, you two are not compatible, as SHE is never happy.  Then I feel it's time you spoke up and inform her you can't do this anymore.  it's going to just exhaust you!

This is where we live & learn 😉 .  You've come to realize you can't get along with this person and remove yourself from the relationship.

And someday you'll meet someone out there who does value you and appreciate you in a healthy way.

[catfeeder]

How did she respond to the suggestion that you both take the phrasing of ‘always and never’ off the table?