Loosing Feelings when it gets a bit serious

[maxi_giyir]

Okay I need help on so many levels and I am aware that I have many Problems, I guess I am just confused but hear me out.

I am male 18 and as I am a fairly handsome and outgoing person. I don't have any Problems with talking to girls, it's rather easy for me. My Problem is that I don't know what I want. I love flirting with them and in the process I get really attracted to them, which means I am not doing it for the fun of it, but because I really do like them. But in the moment I realize they get to much or to seriously attracted to me I get distant. This mostly happens in the same night, for example at a Party I start talking with them, then it's flirting and when it gets to serious I just run away. Don't get me wrong I am still attracted to them even months after that, I don't know what it is, I just don't like the idea of casual things. So I don't like one nightstands or casual things, no problem! What about Relationships? Never been in one but a year ago it's all I ever wanted, now I feel like I would absolutely hate it. Everytime when I was younger and it got serious I instantly lost all feelings for the other person. It was so stupid and crazy but I couldn't do anything about it. That's why I kinda never tried it again, why would even try to date a person when I know that in the end I will just hurt them because I lose all feelings for them.

So I just don't like the idea of casual things and I lose my feelings when it gets serious. That sucks but I always knew that, I figured I just would keep doing the flirting thing over and over again and then die alone or idk. Well, that sucks and I have to find a solution for that but that's not the problem for now.

I know a beautiful girl, she is just this really nice person. I know her since I was a child but we lost contact until recently. I know for a fact she is attracted to me, which is why, one day where I was drunk and lonely I called her and we made plans for a date which is today. Sounds great? No, because when I first met her again I kinda already knew she was attracted to me and she kinda confessed to me instantly wich made things so serious and obviously that made me lose attraction that maybe even wasn't there to begin with...

 

So what I want to know is:

Do I have no feelings for her because things got so serious so quickly, and my heart did what it always does in these situations or do I simply not have feelings for her, because she is not the one. Cause my Logic says to me she is too good for me, why wouldn't I have feelings? And at the same time there are other girls I have feelings for and I would long for a relationship with them but there is also the chance that I again lose all feelings for them what it gets serious.... And what do I do on the date, I don't wanna brake her heart...

Pls help and feel free to ask questions!

And thanks!!!

[Andrina]

It's okay to not be in a place in life that you want to put effort into being a part of a couple. Don't pressure yourself to do that. Just be single and have fun with friends as you've been doing.

As for the date you have today, I'd tell her in advance that you're not emotionally in the right headspace to date, and that meeting up with her is as friends. And then ask if she still wants to get together when that's the case.

Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you're attracted to these girls but not ready to be tied down. That's ok. You can date casually without leading them on by being honest about things. It's ok to tell someone you like  and are at attracted to them, but aren't looking for anything serious. That way it takes the pressure off both of you.

[Batya33]

Because you are liking the excitement of the thrill of the chase more than the excitement of getting to know someone you click with. Sometimes the latter can be a quieter type of excitement.  Also some of these young women may be too passive and insecure so that they are too eager to please while you may do better with a woman who -respectfully-and appropriately -keeps you on your toes a bit with challenging conversations, inspiring you to try new things and not being overly eager or available to you.  But not to the point of game playing!

[MissCanuck]

You are being way too hard on yourself, OP. You're very young and probably not ready for a commitment, which is normal.

You also seem to like the attention you get from girls (again, normal) but that doesn't mean you are necessarily attracted to them. This is what's happening with this girl you know has a crush on you - it's not that you're scared and losing feelings. It's just that you are not that into her as a person. You like that she likes you, but you never said anywhere that you were attracted to her. You reached out to her to stroke your ego on a lonely night. When she actually met up with you, you realized what you knew all along: the attraction wasn't there for you to begin with. 

Don't go on a date with her. That's not fair to her. And I am not sure why you are assuming that someone confessing they're attracted to you means things are "so serious." Them being attracted to you barely moves the needle toward commitment or anything truly serious. 

[maxi_giyir]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 you may do better with a woman who -respectfully-and appropriately -keeps you on your toes a bit with challenging conversations, inspiring you to try new things and not being overly eager or available to you.  But not to the point of game playing!

I really like the idea of a person like that, kinda gives me hope that I am able to be in a relationship after all. Maybe I just haven't found the right person.

Thank you!

[maxi_giyir]

24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You're very young and probably not ready for a commitment, which is normal.

You also seem to like the attention you get from girls (again, normal) but that doesn't mean you are necessarily attracted to them.

Well, I mean I want to be in a Relationship. I am just scared of losing my feelings for the other person as it has happened before. But you made me thinking...yes obviously I like the attention from girls and the chase, maybe my problem is that I can't differentiate real feelings from just liking the attention and that's why I always lost these feelings. Does that make sense?

24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And I am not sure why you are assuming that someone confessing they're attracted to you means things are "so serious." Them being attracted to you barely moves the needle toward commitment or anything truly serious. 

Yeah I kinda expressed my self wrongly there, I am not meaning necessarily serious. I mean when the chase is over and I "won". That really sounds bad, I don't know how else to put it. I hope that makes sense

With everything else you are absolutely right, it wasn't right to ask her out. Someone needed to tell me that.

Thanks!

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, maxi_giyir said:

maybe my problem is that I can't differentiate real feelings from just liking the attention and that's why I always lost these feelings. Does that make sense?

Yes, it does. 

Your age has a lot to do with it, and that's not a shot at you. It's where we have all been as we dip our toes into the world of dating and get to know what we like, what lust feels like, what true desire for a person feels like, and everything else that comes with it. 

You probably just haven't yet met a girl you like on a deeper level. Be patient with yourself. When you meet the right girl, it is very unlikely you will instantly lose attraction once she reciprocates. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because you are liking the excitement of the thrill of the chase more than the excitement of getting to know someone you click with. Sometimes the latter can be a quieter type of excitement. 

Yes, this is exactly my thinking. However, your 'click' is done if someone communicates that there's nothing left to 'win' and the challenge is over. So you haven't yet met your match in terms of learning that 'quieter excitement' that Bat describes. And frankly, at age 18, I can't think of too many who HAVE met such a match. That's not your fault, and it's not predictive of your future.

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Also some of these young women may be too passive and insecure so that they are too eager to please while you may do better with a woman who -respectfully-and appropriately -keeps you on your toes a bit with challenging conversations, inspiring you to try new things and not being overly eager or available to you.  But not to the point of game playing!

Yes, and you can't just will this girl into being. This is why great matches are RARE. And if they were not rare, what would be so special about love?

Instead of viewing your limited experience through a lens that says, "There's something wrong with me," consider relaxing into observation. Be kind to the women who try too hard with you, but don't lead them on. Thank them for their honesty and tell them you like them, you will always enjoy them as your classmates, but you are not yet interested in being a boyfriend at this time.

When you meet a woman who does NOT inspire you to say this, I'm sure we'd all love to hear about that.

Head high, and there is nothing 'wrong' with you.

[TristanB12]

Hey !

I had the exact problem before.
Flirting was my favorite part when I was meeting a girl. All the tension about "does she like me?" was creating a kind of game that I really liked. But as soon as it was getting serious, I was loosing interest.

But last year I met a girl in Australia, we were at the flirting stage and then it became more serious. Of course I started to freak out BUT this time something changed.

First, at this time I was questioning myself exactly like you. Also she was very straightforward : she wanted to get to know me and if I didn't want she would just next me.

It might sound bad but I forced myself a few weeks to go on dates with her (I liked her a lot but I was scared about getting serious). After that my fear simply disappeared and everything became so much easier.

So my advice is : Goooo ! Force you a bit ! You might loose a month or two but imagine if it works ? Even if you feel like loosing interest, just push yourself a bit and you won't be scared anymore !

Good luck ☺️

 

[smackie9]

You have a hot/cold personality. What brings it on is insecurity and the lack of skills to cope with it so you just run. If it really bothers you I suggest seeking out counseling to find the root of your insecurity. Could be a past childhood incident of abandoment or rejection. Since you are still young this woud be the best time to get this figured out.