Am I being inconsiderate?!?

[cuddlebunny777]

It's me again, hi. 

For those who need more context on my sitch: please read my other post to get an idea, I hate to rewrite it, it's too much detail I'm sorry.
 

Since I am trying to get my husband to contribute more without absolutely overwhelming him. today I reminded him that that there was no juice. He knows this. And he kept saying "it's fine" I didn't want him to feel obligated to go and get it so I told him "we need juice and eggs" He again says it's fine. He was trying to play dumb with me. Then he comes home, I am obviously a bit upset and asks me if I expected him to come home with juice. I said "yes I would've liked that" and he goes off on me talking about his shoes got wet in the rain and why couldn't I have gone and why can't I be more considerate? (He's been walking all day at work) and he goes on and on about how since I was already out I could've done it. Well yes but I hadn't even taken a shower from how busy I was after work,  and didn't want to go in the grocery store un-showered. 

I am usually the one replenishing everything in our house, several times a week and doing grocery trips alone for a month now so that he can relax more. I ask him ONE time to get some juice and this is the response I get. We are making zero progress.

Before you ask: why didn't I directly ask him? I stayed to him that there was no juice. He understands this means I am asking him. We speak like that sometimes. In the past, I could say that and he would offer to bring home whatever I mentioned. Sometimes we ask but we don't always have to. We like when the other person offers. So, I was waiting for him to offer. When he didn't, yes I got upset.  

There are two of us in this house, we know what's missing and what isn't. He knows there's no juice. Asking is just unnecessary. The bottom line is he didn't want to go and he didn't plan on it either because he knew I'd go. 

[catfeeder]

10 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I reminded him that that there was no juice. He knows this. And he kept saying "it's fine" I didn't want him to feel obligated to go and get it so I told him "we need juice and eggs" He again says it's fine. He was trying to play dumb with me.

Well, you don't exactly sound brilliant in this convo, either.

Why didn't you simply ask him, "Would you please pick up some juice?"

[cuddlebunny777]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Well, you don't exactly sound brilliant in this convo, either.

Why didn't you simply ask him, "Would you please pick up some juice?"

It would've been the same reaction though. He would've gotten upset that I asked and didn't do it myself. It's not the fact that I didn't ask. It's the fact that I wanted him to do it that got him upset. Very different.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

.We are making zero progress.

You seem miserable. Marriage usually isn't this horrible. You're going on and on and on and on about why didn't you ask him. But getting nowhere because all you do is bicker. He does this because you refuse to take action and continue to enable entitled behavior. It's really that simple. 

[Sally .C.]

It's not too much to expect for him to pick up some juice when he knows you're out. It sounds perhaps that he's gotten too comfortable in letting you handle these things.

Time for an honest, detail-orientated yet non-confrontational discussion about household labour before (more) resentment builds.

[MissCanuck]

What is the reason you keep opening new threads to complain about him?

Stick to one so readers have the full context of the problems in this marriage. 

[1a1a]

Maybe needlessly obtuse. Yes you may prefer it when your partner intuits what you want but the communication between the two of you is in big trouble. Don’t set traps like that. Make clear requests. He will oblige or deny you and that is useful information. 
 

In response to the other thread, he is wrong for thinking because you are home you have more time. And you are wrong for thinking he is anything other than exhausted. Even if he worked a desk job, the simple act of having to leave the house and commute takes it out of you in a way working at home never will I think. 
 

Accept that you are both too exhausted to tackle the house work, sit down when you’re both calm and invite him to work with you brainstorming solutions to this problem. (If he won’t even do that, thay is also valuable information.) I do strongly recommend opening that calm conversation with 5 things you appreciate that he has done in the last 7 days and acknowledge that you might not really understand how tired he is after his work. Then you can go on, say you need him to understand when you’re working from home you’re still working and it takes energy and time and here are the things you’re struggling with and will he work with you to resolve them?’ If the love is there then I hope he will. 

[Capricorn3]

56 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is the reason you keep opening new threads to complain about him?

Stick to one so readers have the full context of the problems in this marriage. 

^ I was going to say the same thing.  OP, it is not necessary to keep starting new threads for each individual/different complaint.  It gets too confusing for members to follow.  Please stick to one thread when it's all pertaining to the same topic.  Thanks.

[boltnrun]

You obviously can't stand this man. You don't like the flowers he brings you, you don't like that he doesn't do enough household chores and now you're mad about juice.

Can you explain what it is about this man you love? Why did you marry him? 

[Jaunty]

I agree, it's painfully clear that you can't stand him.  

In any case I will call you out on this "Juice Test" you set up.  Obviously you intentionally did not ask him to pick up juice, you hinted plenty and he was supposed to "get it" and get the juice to pass the test.

This is destructive to relationships, very poor communication, and after all is the worst way to get what you really wanted:  Juice.

Your convoluted "hinting" and testing was passive-aggressive and manipulative, especially since you're claiming that you "didn't want him to feel obligated" yet used his lack of feeling obligated against him:

Quote

 

today I reminded him that that there was no juice. He knows this. And he kept saying "it's fine" I didn't want him to feel obligated to go and get it so I told him "we need juice and eggs" 

 

Ask for what you want clearly,  outside of the context of your husband and his innumerable f-ups.   In this case, it would have been a simple, straightforward request:

"Jumbo, please stop on your way home and pick up juice and eggs."

That gives him an opportunity to comply,  to refuse, or to simply blow you off.  Any of those results warrant a response from you.

Him failing to read your mind (or pretending - it doesn't matter really) completely steps on the possibility to have a conversation about this afterwards, whether that conversation is you thanking him for getting stuff, or you asking why he refuses, or telling him how you feel about having a task you both agreed upon blown off.

It really seems like you are continually setting him up to "prove" what a dud he is.  He is probably feeling very tired of it and losing any motivation to step up for you and your marriage, because he is always the "loser."  

You are coming off like you're probably a nag and a fault finder.

Your marriage is in trouble.

[AndieA]

In any interaction between 2 people, I think it is always best to be direct and ask.  Passive aggressive is never a good way to communicate.  

[Lambert]

As just about every response to your last thread suggested, have you talked to him?

You know what the definition of insanity is?

Doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again expecting different results.

 

[Coily]

13 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

There are two of us in this house, we know what's missing and what isn't. He knows there's no juice. Asking is just unnecessary.

This right here is the fundamental problem in your marriage. Until YOU start being considerate and asking these things, then nothing will change, except your growing resentment towards your husband.

[boltnrun]

You don't need to compile a list of things your husband is doing "wrong" in order to divorce him. If you're in the US and live in a no fault state you can file citing irreconcilable differences. 

[Cherylyn]

Since it's just the two of you and no kids,  try professional marriage counseling and if that doesn't work, surmise that both of you are incompatible.  Look at your options to go your separate ways.  Either be independent or be with a man who is more cooperative and helpful without a man turning into an endless headache and project.  🤨