How should one handle the other's sexuality outside of the relationship?

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I was taught that someone who can watch hot people for fun and even get turned on CANT love their partner and cant truly desire them, also staying loyal

Who "taught" you this?

As for your false comparison to gays, it's not remotely close. 

[itsallgrand]

You just aren't ready for a serious relationship imo. Not sure why you are trying so hard to force it, especially in your 20s?! Be free, have fun, learn to be comfortable in yourself. No relationship can do that for you. 

[Jaunty]

53 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 And do you think that if I did not care about this, just let him watch hot women for fun, it could be a healthy relationship? Can a relationship be healthy and lifelong if someone enjoys watching these? 

YES.  Are you reading the posts here?  Plenty of people said they watch porn, their partner watched porn, they watched porn together.  

Sorry, Hanna, but it's very very common and in no way "bad" for a person to get turned on by something novel.  This can often be in the form of an unknown, attractive person.  Some people take it as far as polyamory or "swinging."  For other people they like to look at somebody attractive and unknown in a sexual way.

Heck.  I'm old.  My parents were married until they died, and all my childhood my dad had a "secret" stash of "Playboy" magazines in his den.  Of course my mother knew about it.   Did she like it?  I doubt it.  Was she freaked out and trying to establish some kind of mind control and masturbation restrictions over her husband?  F NO!  

This is because there was no threat to their relationship.

In any case, there are plenty of men who don't really bother with porn or magazines or any of that.   You can find a guy like that to date.  But it still won't work.  Why?  Because you think you can control your partner's personal interior life.  That will stand in the way of you having a healthy relationship with anyone.  

When you're in therapy, stop talking about things like "How to Handle the Other's Sexuality Outside of Relationship,"  and tell the therapist that you have incredibly deep and rigid control issues you need to address.  

 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I think I mentioned that he selfpleasures like every 10 days. Only when we take more days separately. In my opinion, even once a week would not be too much. I also said that the video he saw made his mood and he chose our vid. Even if he did it to the music video, it still happened after like two weeks, I think it was even more time after he last did it. 

This is borderline abusive on your part.  There is no way on Earth that the amount of time this poor man masturbates is any of your business.   There really must be something amiss with him to submit to this.  Yikes.

[hannarivers]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Who "taught" you this?

As for your false comparison to gays, it's not remotely close. 

For example, my stepmom. Or my aunt. My friend who is in a 6 year rationship. My ex.... 

 

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You can find a guy like that to date. 

You see, I have 2 problems with this. One is that my partner is perfect for me in every other ways. He is the first one who has completely different taste in hobbies as me and we still can enjoy things together, and that diversity brings me to try things I wouldnt tried ever. Makes me become more open, I became a better person next to him. And secondly, I met only one man in my life who doesnt watch porn and it is because he cant get a erection. I had a really morally stable man as a friend, he thought that porn was bad and still watched it every few weeks. I dont like dating. I hate dating. And I dont want to go around searching someone whom I might will never meet, because there is a chance that I will meet eg 156 men in my agegroup that I like and it would be the 157th who never watches women. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

do you think that if I did not care about this, just let him watch hot women for fun, it could be a healthy relationship? Can a relationship be healthy and lifelong if someone enjoys watching these?

Absolutely, and certainly a lot healthier than trying to police someone's thoughts and masturbation, and trying to force him to be someone he isn't. 

You're going to squeeze the life right out of this relationship. Mark my words. 

[Jaunty]

29 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 

 

You see, I have 2 problems with this. One is that my partner is perfect for me in every other ways. He is the first one who has completely different taste in hobbies as me and we still can enjoy things together, and that diversity brings me to try things I wouldnt tried ever. Makes me become more open, I became a better person next to him. And secondly, I met only one man in my life who doesnt watch porn and it is because he cant get a erection. I had a really morally stable man as a friend, he thought that porn was bad and still watched it every few weeks. I dont like dating. I hate dating. And I dont want to go around searching someone whom I might will never meet, because there is a chance that I will meet eg 156 men in my agegroup that I like and it would be the 157th who never watches women. 

I don't think you get my point.  That point is: even a man who has no interest in porn and does not find women in general to be sexually attractive would not be in a relationship with a woman who has the jealousy and control issues that you have, if he's emotionally healthy with good boundaries and self esteem.

It would have to be, by definition, a sick relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I  I was taught that someone who can watch hot people for fun and even get turned on CANT love their partner and cant truly desire them, also staying loyal. 

Are you and your BF from the same cultural and faith? Are there plans for marriage? Because it's odd if you feel porn is sinful but you're making your own porn and "living in sin" . Would you feel he would be more committed and less likely to stray if he finally agrees to marry you? 

[MissCanuck]

The bottom line is that an attractive porn woman isn't your biggest threat, anyway. 

Not anymore. The biggest threat is going to be an attractive woman who is also secure in herself, more open-minded and less controlling. That woman won't be a porn star. She'll be the woman he meets at work. Or the one he keeps running into at a coffee shop. Or the cute girl at the bus stop. The one who doesn't try to monitor him and tell him what to do. 

She is your biggest threat, and when she shows up in his life...girl, you in danger. And it won't have anything to do with her being hotter than you, but rather how she treats him. That is where you stand to lose him if you don't get a grip on your behaviour. 

[catfeeder]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The bottom line is that an attractive porn woman isn't your biggest threat, anyway. 

Not anymore. The biggest threat is going to be an attractive woman who is also secure in herself, more open-minded and less controlling. That woman won't be a porn star. She'll be the woman he meets at work. Or the one he keeps running into at a coffee shop. Or the cute girl at the bus stop. The one who doesn't try to monitor him and tell him what to do. 

She is your biggest threat, and when she shows up in his life...girl, you in danger. And it won't have anything to do with her being hotter than you, but rather how she treats him. That is where you stand to lose him if you don't get a grip on your behaviour. 

Yep, I haven’t read everything, but it makes no sense to become the mind and body police over another person’s entitlement to their own bodily autonomy.

That’s like monitoring someone’s bathroom habits and going off the rails every time they take a poop.

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The bottom line is that an attractive porn woman isn't your biggest threat, anyway. 

Not anymore. The biggest threat is going to be an attractive woman who is also secure in herself, more open-minded and less controlling. That woman won't be a porn star. She'll be the woman he meets at work. Or the one he keeps running into at a coffee shop. Or the cute girl at the bus stop. The one who doesn't try to monitor him and tell him what to do. 

She is your biggest threat, and when she shows up in his life...girl, you in danger. And it won't have anything to do with her being hotter than you, but rather how she treats him. That is where you stand to lose him if you don't get a grip on your behaviour. 

OP, cut and paste this^^ to your fridge and read every morning with your coffee and bagel. 

Until it sinks in. 

 

[itsallgrand]

What's really terrible is you are poisoning this guys first experience with a woman to be one that's sickly controlling. He doesn't know better because he hasn't gotten experience, but he will figure it out eventually. Might be like MissCanuck mentioned, he meets someone and realizes " holy crap, not all women are going to treat me like a criminal!". 

In your quest to hold onto him, you hurt him. That's just wrong. It goes beyond what you want - to stay with him - you are actively doing something hurtful and need to stop it one way or another. Since you can't control yourself to acting better, let him find someone who isn't mean to him like this.

The more I read though, the more I think you are really afraid to be on your own. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I think I have to explain my feelings and thoughts. Ill make an example. Lets say you were thought that you should not accept gay people because they are sinful. Your friend turns out to be gay and you feel like they are a bad person because gays are sooo bad. And yet, they are not. It is not for me because I was taught that someone who can watch hot people for fun and even get turned on CANT love their partner and cant truly desire them, also staying loyal. 

So you need to get help to be de-programmed from some harmful and false things that you are treating like reality.   

Gay people are not "bad," and masturbation / porn watching / feeling attracted to people who aren't your partner are not "bad" either.

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

What's really terrible is you are poisoning this guys first experience with a woman to be one that's sickly controlling.

Yes.  I have come to think that this is an abusive relationship.  I have a female relative who was in an abusive relationship with a man.  He was profoundly controlling and jealous.  Whatever she did, where she went, etc. became his mission to police.  He had a tracker on her car.  He gained access, without her knowledge or consent, to her laptop and phone and looked at all her internet activity.  It progressed to stalking.

He also monitored what she wore and makeup, because he believed that she was trying to attract other men. 

This is on the same track.  

[boltnrun]

How do these conversations even go? I'm imagining this:

"Have you masturbated since I last saw you? You did? What did you masturbate 'to'? It wasn't me? How could you??? You must not love me or think I'm hot! I need you to be turned on by me and only me or you're WRONG and BAD! That's what I was TAUGHT!"

Eee gad...

[hannarivers]

36 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

The more I read though, the more I think you are really afraid to be on your own. 

Im not. I loved to be alone before him. He was the one who kept on coming onto me for months, until I fell in love with him. 

 

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Would you feel he would be more committed and less likely to stray if he finally agrees to marry you? 

That is def not why I want marriage, so no. I want it for marital benefits and for the sake of saying we belong together officially. Not for changing any behaviour. 

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How do these conversations even go? I'm imagining this:

No. I casually ask him how his day went, he tells me he did some stuff. Last time I told him that its funny how he could get in the mood in the morning when he is sick and also he is not even awake for like an hour after the phone rings, just because he prefers action much later. I saw the music vids on our shared computer and asked if those "modells" were the inspiration. 

 

43 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

feeling attracted to people who aren't your partner are not "bad" either.

Well, I am not religious, but the bible says it is. However, I do agree that I need reprogramming. You see why I came here? 

 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

even a man who has no interest in porn and does not find women in general to be sexually attractive would not be in a relationship with a woman who has the jealousy and control issues that you have

I am not the jealous to your surprise. Not for real people. I dont care if he looks at someone on the street, guess he doest get horny by a fully clothed woman and get to work on the street. He has female colleagues and they text about work, never felt the need to check if they are pretty or what they talk about. My bad feelings are about women who act like pornstars, are pornstars, and are on the screen. Because he can act normal in real life. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

No. I casually ask him how his day went, he tells me he did some stuff. Last time I told him that its funny how he could get in the mood in the morning when he is sick and also he is not even awake for like an hour after the phone rings, just because he prefers action much later. I saw the music vids on our shared computer and asked if those "modells" were the inspiration. 

Policing. Attempts to control him and his private thoughts and actions. You are interrogating him about things that are none of your business.

I feel you will be one of those who are completely shocked when your boyfriend leaves you and will claim you did nothing wrong. And that you just don't understand!!!

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 My bad feelings are about women who act like pornstars, are pornstars, and are on the screen. 

Then why are you making porn? 

[hannarivers]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then why are you making porn? 

I dont put my body on the internet so millions of people can get off on me. I do it because my partner enjoys it, and if I need some aid too, I can watch a healthier version of porn. It just strengthens the attraction for my partner, doesnt take away anything

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I dont put my body on the internet so millions of people can get off on me. I do it because my partner enjoys it, and if I need some aid too, I can watch a healthier version of porn. It just strengthens the attraction for my partner, doesnt take away anything

Firstly, what is a "healthier" version of porn according to your standards?

And secondly, since you find your version of porn sexually stimulating and strengthens your attraction, why can't your boyfriend's version of the porn he likes have that same effect on him? 

That it stimulates him sexually and doesn't take away anything from your relationship?

I'm seriously confused by that. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

It is not for me because I was taught that someone who can watch hot people for fun and even get turned on CANT love their partner and cant truly desire them, also staying loyal. 

You're an adult and entitled to question what you were taught.  My mom was taught that it was healthy to eat lots of cream and butter on everything.  And that going to college was a waste of $ for a woman since a woman should get married right away(my mom graduated college in the mid 1950s).

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm seriously confused by that. 

She wants her boyfriend to ONLY be sexually aroused by her. And to never feel any level of arousal from anyone else.

See, we can't control that. Let me give you an example. I was walking around a high end shopping district with my son. The absolute last person I would be looking for attractive men with. Well, we went into an art gallery and we're just casually looking at the art. A young man who worked there approached us and asked if we needed any help. I turned around and, like OMG. Zap!!! This young man was supremely hot and so, so attractive. I couldn't even put together a response because I was too confused. And this man was not my usual type. But there was just something I can't explain or define.

Now, according to you I shouldn't have felt that attraction. I should only have felt attracted to the man I was dating at the time. But it literally took me by complete surprise. And sure,I probably had some "alone time" later that night 😉 I was not cheating on anyone.

Now, you may claim that what I did was different because I didn't go looking for that guy and your boyfriend looks for porn to masturbate to. But the end result is the same. The only person he touches is himself. Or you if you choose to join in.

Side note, sometimes I watch beach volleyball. Yes, I watch it because I enjoy looking at tall, tanned men who are in excellent physical shape running around playing an exciting sport. Nothing wrong with that either. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I dont like dating. I hate dating. And I dont want to go around searching someone whom I might will never meet, because there is a chance that I will meet eg 156 men in my agegroup that I like and it would be the 157th who never watches women. 

That's not a reason to settle. I hated dating very often as well.  But I'd never have settled for a man just so I could be done dating.  

I agree with the others -your bf will wake up and smell the coffee when he comes across a woman who treats him with respect and acceptance -they'll be friends first as others have said.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She wants her boyfriend to ONLY be sexually aroused by her. And to never feel any level of arousal from anyone else.

Well, I'm calling OP out on that.  It's hypocritical. 

I mean, according to her SHE'S allowed to be sexually stimulated (aroused) by watching her version of porn, a "healthier" version whatever that is.  Soft porn?

But he's derided (putting it mildly) for watching the type of porn HE likes.

Seems like a double standard and totally unfair. 

[hannarivers]

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She wants her boyfriend to ONLY be sexually aroused by her. And to never feel any level of arousal from anyone else.

Nope. Never said never will. He cant control his body. But he can control what he consumes. Correct version : she wants her bf to not go search for sexual stuff purposefully. Would never punish him for finding someone attractive and I said that before. But going out of his way to not just listen to remixes and rather choosing to enjoy those naked modells on a huge tv is diff. I was talking about choosing his content and having some selfcontrol to not jerk off because a sexy auntie was dancing in fake leather skirts. 

 

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And sure,I probably had some "alone time" later that night

He told me with his own words that he would feel sad if I masturbated to one of my fav singers. Because porn is not personal and that singer is. Lol, like typing in "pornstar's name" is less personal than typing "singer 's name". I once even joked that if I used d1ldos, which I dont, I would name them. It also bothered him a bit, again that it would be too much to name it after my childhood celebrity crush. So I shouldnt feel bad if he enjoys a "music video" but me enjoying Axel Rose is not that ok. He never said I shouldnt do it, just wouldnt feel nice. 

 

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

mean, according to her SHE'S allowed to be sexually stimulated (aroused) by watching her version of porn, a "healthier" version whatever that is.  Soft porn?

Oh god. Also never said that either. It is HEALTHY because it was not a pornstar who was pushed into sexwork, it is healthy because it was consentual, it is healthy because the woman (me) also enjoyed it, and it is healthy because no stupid standard was pushed onto it, like screaming and pretending to enjoy. It was created to be real, sensual and visually pleasing from angles he likes. It was made for HIM. I enjoy it because I know it was made by us. And it adds attraction because I see him do me. I think it is quite simple.