How should one handle the other's sexuality outside of the relationship?

[hannarivers]

Hey, I am here to learn, again. 

Im thinking of leaving my therapist and going to a sexual psychologist instead, but that takes a bit more money that I am having at the moment. My partners past porn use messed me up in the head and now I am walking in thick fog all the time with sexuality. 

I want to clear a few things beforehand. Me and my partner almost broke up 7 months ago because I found out he lied about using porn for 3 years. We chose to stay together on one condition, he stops porn and we make our own, and I open up more to try things so I finish during sex. 

We upgraded our shared sexlife. He uses our homemade videos, and we found a solution for my statisfaction. Also, I have learned many new things, so I am more active and visually pleasing for him, and I truly enjoy myself more. 

My problem is about things I dont understand. A few days ago I had a bad time with coping with my emotions. Sometimes I get anxious when my partner self-pleasures, because it reminds me of the "porn times". I asked him if he had a fun time, because I see the curtains, also if I can check something on his computer so I can calm down. I realized he woke up and listened to music which he never does. It was one of those "car mixes" where they put naked women with cars in the video. He listens to these in his car, but never at home. I was curious and watched it, literally softcore porn. I asked him if he chose to masturbate because of this "mix". He told me it had something to do with it, he was already a bit in the mood due to not meeting for 2 days and that scene excelerated his brain, so he did it to our video.  I got really anxious. I felt like he cant watch anything sexual without getting in te mood. I felt like I can never watch a movie with him, or go to the beach, because he will get aroused? 

Last time I met my therapist, she told me that men and women are wired a bit differently in sexuality. We didnt get to talk much about it, but I am willing to learn more so I dont treat my partner as a criminal child. I cant seem to understand how a man, who is wellkept, can get excited by a merely, 40 year old dancing woman with fishnets and miniskirt on. And yes, I am sure he is well kept. We talk openly about these things. We try every one of our fantasies. He told me many times that it is so much better and he cant stop thinking about me. Then why? Is it really that simple to get aroused? I understand he didnt rub one out to that video, but he still chose it for that and he was curious. 

I want to be a loving partner, and we are already one a greath path, but I dont understand how this works

[Coily]

It's good you two are working on things and making some progress.

As to your main question on male arousal, the simple answer is yes it's very easy for men to get aroused. Sometimes the arousal is completely involuntary, the "joke" about teenage boys having to hide their random erection is as old as time. Even as we mature and learn self-control, we gents still can get caught off guard by an intrusive thought or the right visual stimuli. It won't always lead to sexual gratification, but it's pretty common for men to just have a momentary bit of arousal. I can guarantee even the most chaste, henpecked by his happy wife, non-wandering eye man out there has the odd moment where something pokes at his animal instinct; but they have the wherewithal to not be demonstrable about his arousal.

My question is do you still have unresolved issues with your man's want for sexual stimulation? Is his sex drive incompatible with yours?

 

[MissCanuck]

He’s turned on by hot women, as many are. (Just as many women are sometimes tuned on be sexy men who are not their partners) 

He’s also likely always going to masturbate, and it won’t always be you he is thinking about. This is normal, and it’s not a bad thing. You can’t and shouldn’t try to police his thoughts or private self-pleasure time. 

It doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to you or is going to cheat on you. If you can’t accept that he sometimes going to feel aroused by anyone but you, you’re in for a whole lot of disappointment. 
 

[hannarivers]

43 minutes ago, Coily said:

My question is do you still have unresolved issues with your man's want for sexual stimulation? Is his sex drive incompatible with yours?

I do still have unresolved trauma. My heart sinks to my stomach when I know he selfpleasured. My therapist told me that leaving this relationship will not solve this, because my next partner would still be a man, and 1 I didnt know at the beginning that he watches porn, so this could be true for the next boyfriend and 2 I wont find any man who never masturbates, only if he doesnt want to have sex either. 

And I agree, I should resolve this trauma next to him. I want to get better, but I am just sick of the thought that he was purposefully choosing that music video. I was big on selfpleasuring a few years ago. I liked it so much, I always thought I had a dirty mind, and I liked porn. Then I started having bad feelings, like I am doing it too much. So I stopped and focused on partnered sex. You see, porn had a bad effect on my partner and we realized it after 3 years. Since he stopped, he never gets tired during sex, and he loves pictures of me. Before this, he just found them pretty, now he tells me he wants me at home as soon as possible. So, of course, I am terrified that even though he only masturbates like every 9-10 days, a pornstar will take my place again. I fully trust him with my heart that he will never use porn twice a week to mess things up, but that 10 days still scares me so much. I had a full rant at him for telling me that such a tasteless video made him think about sexual thoughts. And I feel sorry for that, it just hurts. I am not stupid, I know you can find others attractive. And I know that this video was purposefully made like it is the beginning of a porn video. Yet my thoughts tell me that "I am much prettier, I have waaaay more hotter body than that 40 year old wench, I wear sexy lingerie for him, we had amazing sex 2 days ago, why the hell is it not enough for him to not have those thoughts?" 

[hannarivers]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He’s also likely always going to masturbate, and it won’t always be you he is thinking about. This is normal, and it’s not a bad thing

But how is that not a bad thing? I am not the kind of person who thinks that you should be doing everything together. You should travel, have friends, do activities separately. But sex, it should be only about each other, because it is the only thing that is different. You can hug your mom, you can live with your brother, you can go on vacation with your friend. But you wont ever make love with them. 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

but they have the wherewithal to not be demonstrable about his arousal.

And what if he chooses not to? I am just completely lost in this. He will be 25 next year. Is it normal to act this way? I asked him many times if he wants to be with other women or not, because I am his first. He is stuck by me for almost 4 years and still refuses this idea. I just cant see how wanting to masturbate to outside stimuli can lead to a lifelong relationship for anyone 

[Coily]

He’s 25, that’s one of the peaks for male sexuality. It’s not that you are not enough, it’s that sex is very intrusive in his brain.

also, given your interest in masturbation in the past I do find it a little surprising that you’re not more understanding of his condition. As I see it there are kind of two solutions to your situation. The first excepting his sexuality more and that’s going to take therapy and a lot of time. The second option are used to find more ways for sexual activity in your relationship hey, where are you replace his need to masturbate with something else. Neither of those are ideal, but just accepting that his lot in life seems to be a little difficult for you right now.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

. My therapist told me that leaving this relationship will not solve this, because my next partner would still be a man, 

Are you sure? Perhaps some of your issues are poor self esteem, jealousy, obsessions and controlling behaviors, but you two don't seem compatible and you seem quite uncomfortable in the relationship.

So there's actually 2 issues going on. Your personal problems and relationship issues.

To answer your question. Stay in your own lane. It's not your job to "handle" anyone else's sexuality. That's the problem here. The porn policing and parent child dynamic. Either their sexuality works for you... or it doesn't. In this case it's been an inordinate struggle all along.

[boltnrun]

Do you plan to lock him in a room with no TV, no phone and no computer?  Because your irrational fears are already wanting to forbid him to watch movies (because there might be an attractive woman in the movie and you'll get jealous) and restrict his other activities. 

Do you truly think that's how couples behave? Forbidding the man to have any contact with any woman or be somewhere where he could possibly see an attractive woman? 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

He’s 25, that’s one of the peaks for male sexuality

He watched porn for many years because he was single. I thought he should be already over it. 

1 hour ago, Coily said:

also, given your interest in masturbation in the past I do find it a little surprising that you’re not more understanding of his condition

This is why I am not undertsanding. Because I had the strength to stop. He did too, in a way, because he uses our own videos. I also feel disgusted about how I used these things. I told him in the past that these music videos will bring him down, he said he doesnt care about them, yet now... I mentioned this to him and he said that it was one in a thousand times, and it was not about that particular scenario, the video just made him realize that it would feel nice to rub one out since I will be at work. Yet again, I feel like I cant escape from these contents 

[Batya33]

You’re not married and have no kids so I’ll say the old fashioned advice which is - don’t bother. This isn’t worth it. It’s old fashioned because obviously serious non marital relationships matter but if you were married and especially if you had kids I’d suggest putting more time and effort into it. I don’t agree with a therapist that all men express their sexuality do the degree he does. I do think - most men in their 20s masturbate but I have no proof lol. 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

you two don't seem compatible

No, we are. Many things got better since I last posted. Its just this one topic. 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

some of your issues are poor self esteem, jealousy, obsessions and controlling behaviors

Yup, might need advice on how to work with those, because as I said, no man will ever quit selfpleasure completely, and no man will only find me attractive - that I also like back

[Batya33]

Just now, hannarivers said:

No, we are. Many things got better since I last posted. Its just this one topic. 

Yup, might need advice on how to work with those, because as I said, no man will ever quit selfpleasure completely, and no man will only find me attractive - that I also like back

Same is true of most women. 

[hannarivers]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I do think - most men in their 20s masturbate but I have no proof lol. 

Which says it is not just him. He does it in every two weeks. Which is not that many. 

[hannarivers]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you truly think that's how couples behave? Forbidding the man to have any contact with any woman or be somewhere where he could possibly see an attractive woman? 

I didnt talk about attraction, I talk about stimuli for selfpleasure. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, hannarivers said:

Which says it is not just him. He does it in every two weeks. Which is not that many. 

It’s irrelevant if anyone says it’s not that many times. It’s up to you to decide if it’s a dealbreaker no matter how frequently or infrequently he does this. 

[hannarivers]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Same is true of most women. 

Then why do you tell me that I should break up with him, when you also said that people will masturbate? I love him and my life with him. We do good together. Sex is great. 

[Batya33]

Just now, hannarivers said:

Then why do you tell me that I should break up with him, when you also said that people will masturbate? I love him and my life with him. We do good together. Sex is great. 

If it was that peachy you wouldn’t be posting and considering all of these therapies. All I’m saying is people masturbate. You’re not ok with it. People smoke and vape. But I’d never marry someone who did. For example. 

[hannarivers]

Just now, Batya33 said:

It’s irrelevant if anyone says it’s not that many times. It’s up to you to decide if it’s a dealbreaker no matter how frequently or infrequently he does this. 

My question was about finding out whether it is a common behaviour or not. Ive only been with 2 people so I wont say I understand men's sexuality. I came here to learn. I was curious if it is normal that a 25 year old gets a stimuli from seeint a woman dance and get naked in a music video and other content like this 

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

All I’m saying is people masturbate. You’re not ok with it. People smoke and vape. But I’d never marry someone who did. For example. 

Yeah but if I am not okay with people eating, the change has to happen in me and not in others. I wont go on a dating site and say "hey, I only like you if you dont M" and try 50 men 

[MaryAnne7]

What is the problem with watching porn? I did watch porn in my relationship and it has no correlation to my love to a partner. You can vary in sex drives, masturbation is a stress relief and all other possible reasons. Agreed with above comments, you can’t and actually shouldn’t police a grown man. I think the focus should be you discussing with your therapist why you cannot respect your partners subjectivity. 

[hannarivers]

Just now, MaryAnne7 said:

What is the problem with watching porn? I did watch porn in my relationship and it has no correlation to my love to a partner. You can vary in sex drives, masturbation is a stress relief. Agreed with above comments, you can’t and actually shouldn’t police a grown man. I think the focus should be you discussing with your therapist why you cannot respect your partners subjectivity. 

I read like a hundred articles about porn. It doesnt have as bad of an effect on women as it does on men. They explained in details, but it is too long. A women wont get erectile disfunction because of it. I watched the same amount of porn as my bf for a year, and nothing happened to me. To him? He was more lazy. Now if he is tired, he just tells me to take control. But I do agree with your last sentence

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I didnt talk about attraction, I talk about stimuli for selfpleasure. 

So? You still don't want him watching movies in case he might see a woman who could possibly motivate him to masturbate.

I asked if you think healthy, happy couples impose those kinds of restrictions on the man.

[hannarivers]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So? You still don't want him watching movies in case he might see a woman who could possibly motivate him to masturbate.

I asked if you think healthy, happy couples impose those kinds of restrictions on the man.

The question is, in a healthy relationship, can it be acceptable to have this morivation 

[boltnrun]

Just now, hannarivers said:

The question is, in a healthy relationship, can it be acceptable to have this morivation 

You mean do most people get aroused by people other than their spouse or romantic partner? Of course they do! But they're not running around cheating or trying to have actual sex with an actress in a music video.

Do you think your boyfriend is going to ditch you to chase after some music video actress or some porn star?