Long-distance guy - update

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

I know it doesn't have to mean with me, I'm not that naive.

 

Yes but you said that: 

31 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't think he doesn't go on dates and stuff

When in reality you don't know. You like him but go on dates, so why wouldn't he also? I don't think you are naive, really not, but I always assume that the guys I'm dating are seeing other girls, until its conveyed that the relationship is exclusive, of course. I'm being very realistic about it, and theres no reason for a guy not to date other women too. 

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Again, I'm not going to block him, if this works for you, great, but I don't see any reason for blocking him, and I think I have enough self-control and self'awsrness not to text him.

I didn't mean in the sense of controlling yourself to not text him. I know you can do it. I meant that sometimes it's easier to detach or move on if you know that you won't hear from them. You won't have this excitement each time your phone pings. This for me is very helpful. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You like him but go on dates, so why wouldn't he also?

That's what she said. She said she DOESN'T believe he doesn't go on dates, which means she believes he does go on dates. 

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's what she said. She said she DOESN'T believe he doesn't go on dates, which means she believes he does go on dates. 

Yes, my mistake. thank you !!

[kim42]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair enough kim.

I'm wondering, is he receiving any type of government financial aid?  How does he eat and pay rent, survive?  Did he have a large savings before he left his job?

Where did he get the money to take you to dinner? 

I'm trying very hard to stay positive and want to believe he's sincere.

 

I'm not very familiar with the system in his country but I believe he does receive unemployment benefits but I don't think it's a high amount of money though. I didn't want to ask him because I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I already felt bad when he insisted on paying for my dinner.

He said he saved enough money to keep him cruising for the moment, so he can pay his rent etc. I honestly didn't want to ask too much about this subject, he knows that I'm in a pretty comfortable situation as far as money (not too sound arrogant or anything) so I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

[kim42]

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think his current circumstances do not allow for the pursuit of a long distance serious relationship. He's unemployed and seems to be in a tenuous financial situation. If he's actively job searching he's likely spending a lot of time on that. And it has to be weighing on his mind. I know when I was unexpectedly unemployed I was borderline frantic to find a new job. So he likely doesn't have the financial resources to spend $200 on train trips and more money on hotels and dates on a regular basis.

I'm sure he likes you and would be happy to spend time with you if you choose to visit. But that doesn't mean he's able or willing to visit you anytime soon. 

Given all of that, I think your plan to just let this fade for now is a good one. 

Thanks, bolt, yes, he's been actively searching for a job. We work in the same field so I know it's not very easy, and also we're both foreigners living in another country so we often get the sh*tty end of the stick when it comes to job hunting.

I realize most people here are from the US so I believe the job market is different from the one in Europe, and maybe it's easier to find a job there.

Also, and I'm not saying this as an excuse, but I live in one of the most expensive cities in Europe so I know that coming here to visit is not cheap.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I honestly didn't want to ask too much about this subject, he knows that I'm in a pretty comfortable situation as far as money (not too sound arrogant or anything) so I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

Not only that, but you have also been out only twice. It really wouldn't be any of your business to ask him about his savings, whether he's receiving government benefits and so on. 

It's fine that you don't know the full picture there, in other words. Good on you not to probe. 

[boltnrun]

I would imagine he doesn't have unlimited savings so spending a good portion of it on trips out of the country isn't wise.

I bet at some point, once you come to terms with realizing this just isn't going to happen anytime soon (if at all), you may end up meeting someone who lives nearby and who can give you the things you desire in a relationship. And he'll have chemistry with you as well. You'll be glad you didn't continue to pursue this man. 

[Batya33]

Also when you limit to text only you have no idea if he is traveling around.  For all you know he was in your city/near your city and didn't tell you.  At least when there are phone calls it's more difficult to hide location - the person has to lie/omit while speaking.

Very good plan not to text him anymore.

[kim42]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also when you limit to text only you have no idea if he is traveling around.  For all you know he was in your city/near your city and didn't tell you.  At least when there are phone calls it's more difficult to hide location - the person has to lie/omit while speaking.

Very good plan not to text him anymore.

I don't know his every move of course, but I don't think it's helpful or necessary to make such assumptions. He's never been to my city, from what he told me he doesn't know anyone here except from me. I know he'll be traveling to his home country for Christmas.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Very good plan not to text him anymore

@kim42 is this what you decided to do? 
To be honest, this situation would not be easy for me, I would remain with the famous “what if” in mind. But by experience, these questionings fade out pretty quickly once you decide to act in your best interest… 

[kim42]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

@kim42 is this what you decided to do? 
To be honest, this situation would not be easy for me, I would remain with the famous “what if” in mind. But by experience, these questionings fade out pretty quickly once you decide to act in your best interest… 

Yes, I've decided not to text him anymore. Given how uncertain his current situation is, I think it's probably the best I can do right now.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Yes, I've decided not to text him anymore. Given how uncertain his current situation is, I think it's probably the best I can do right now.

Okey good. I think this is the right approach. Just one last question, when was the last time you (or he?) reached out? 

[kim42]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

Okey good. I think this is the right approach. Just one last question, when was the last time you (or he?) reached out? 

The last time we talked to each other was last week.

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, kim42 said:

The last time we talked to each other was last week.

You’re doing great 😊 

[Sindy_0311]

An interesting podcast I listened to tonight. I took some notes: 

“If you don’t go not contact (meaning blocking him) you won’t allow keeping the distance between him and you. And he will still have a psychologic hold on you. If you don’t maintain the distance, the cycle will be no ending. The worst situation is being caught up in situations like that. Because it preoccupies you. And therefore you are of the market. You have to keep an open space for the right man to come. By letting him reach out, this guy might make you unavailable for the right one as long as you expect a “text” from him”

That’s why I suggested to block him. The guy didn’t earnt any access to you sofar, he is just an acquaintance you met twice outside of work and kissed once. No big deal.

Knowing you a little, I highly suggest you block him… 

[kim42]

18 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

An interesting podcast I listened to tonight. I took some notes: 

“If you don’t go not contact (meaning blocking him) you won’t allow keeping the distance between him and you. And he will still have a psychologic hold on you. If you don’t maintain the distance, the cycle will be no ending. The worst situation is being caught up in situations like that. Because it preoccupies you. And therefore you are of the market. You have to keep an open space for the right man to come. By letting him reach out, this guy might make you unavailable for the right one as long as you expect a “text” from him”

That’s why I suggested to block him. The guy didn’t earnt any access to you sofar, he is just an acquaintance you met twice outside of work and kissed once. No big deal.

Knowing you a little, I highly suggest you block him… 

Sindy, I appreciate your advice but as I've mentioned several times, I'm not going to block him. I don't see any reason to do it, he didn't do anything bad to me. I just don't deal with situations like this.

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Sindy, I appreciate your advice but as I've mentioned several times, I'm not going to block him. I don't see any reason to do it, he didn't do anything bad to me. I just don't deal with situations like this.

kim, I know you're going to do what you want to do but here's my $.02 fwiw.

You don't block because he's a bad person or to hurt him.  Blocking is NOT about that at all.  Or shouldn't be.

You block for YOU, assuming you're serious about moving on from this experience.  Are you?  

I completely understand what @Sindy_0311is saying.  Think about it for a sec.  

Every time you hear a ping that a text has come in (from anyone), given how into him you still are, you will be hoping it's him, it's human nature!  

Your heart will skip a beat when you hear that ping and then when you realize it's not him, your heart will sink.  It's crazy making, I've been there!  

Which keeps him on your mind and you stuck, and not able to properly heal and move on.

It's why No Contact is so often recommended. It's for YOU, not some game or strategy hoping he misses you and comes running after you. 

Because maintaining contact keeps you stuck and prevents healing and moving on.

It's up to you.  But if you're serious, truly serious about moving on from this experience and never talking to him again, then I highly recommend blocking.

For YOU, so you can heal and move on.  NOT to hurt or punish him, he's done nothing wrong.   He's just in a different place from you and you want different things. 

I give this advice because I've been there.  I refused to block too.

Why?  Because I cared about HIS feelings and how HE would feel knowing he was blocked more than I cared about my own feelings and my own self and allowing myself to heal and finally move on.

Once I gathered the strength to finally block, my healing began and I was able to achieve closure and move on.

Your decision and good luck whatever you decide.

 

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

kim, I know you're going to do what you want to do but here's my $.02 fwiw.

You don't block because he's a bad person or to hurt him.  Blocking is NOT about that at all.  Or shouldn't be.

You block for YOU, assuming you're serious about moving on from this experience.  

I completely understand what @Sindy_0311is saying.  Think about it for a sec.  

Every time you hear a ping that a text has come in (from anyone), given how into him you still are, you will be hoping it's him, it's human nature!

Which keeps him on your mind and you sort of stuck, not being able to heal and move on.

It's why No Contact is so often recommended, it's for YOU, not some game or strategy hoping he misses you and comes running after you. 

Because maintaining contact keeps you stuck and prevents healing and moving on.

It's up to you.  But if you're serious, truly serious about moving on from this experience and never talking to him again, then I highly recommend blocking.

For YOU, so you can heal and move on.  NOT to hurt or punish him, he's done nothing wrong.   He's just in a different place from you and you want different things. 

I give this advice because I've been there.  I refused to block too.

Why?  Because I cared more about HIS feelings and how HE would feel knowing he was blocked more than I cared about my own feelings and self and allowing myself to heal and finally move on.

Once I gathered the strength to finally block, my healing began and I was able to achieve closure and move on.

Your decision and good luck whatever you decide.

 

I appreciate the advice from everyone but I'm not going to block him, I believe you can move on without doing this, I've never blocked any of my exes or guys I'd hang out.

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, kim42 said:

I appreciate the advice from everyone but I'm not going to block him, I believe you can move on without doing this, I've never blocked any of my exes or guys I'd hang out.

Okay Kim, good luck!  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

, I'm not going to block him. I don't see any reason to do it, he didn't do anything bad to me. I just don't deal with situations like this.

There's absolutely no need to block someone you've known professionally for years and are connected on LinkedIn. It's unprofessional and unnecessary.

Again this is applying dating and break-up rules inappropriately to this situation.  If you wish to step back as far as reaching out first that's fine.

However it would be courteous and respectful to wish him happy Christmas. Again. You're not dating and he was quite nice when you visited on your business trip and he's been a nice person to talk to.

Why be rude? Because your friends are saying he's not acting like a BF so show him a lesson? Think about how bizarre that is. 

Again, this is not a dating/relationship situation and therefore blocking is just rude. He has no idea about the anxiety you're having about whether he's "into" you, so blocking would make you look a bit weird. 

[Batya33]

Agree with Wiseman in this situation because of their past connections and that they’ve had no discussion at all about their intentions towards each other - or if there are any intentions.  

[boltnrun]

This is obviously just my own opinion.

I have blocked when I was not utilizing self control. I was being my own worst enemy. But these were situations when I did have a relationship with someone that went bad, yet I still wasn't exercising self control. Shoot, I even moved 400 miles away because I was not staying away from my ex and I was doing self destructive things. 

If you can legit not text him and you won't be feeling profound disappointment if your phone pings and it's not him, and if you are legitimately not wishing and hoping he steps up and says he wants to date you (and even then, could you handle a long distance relationship with someone who seldom texts and isn't able to visit?), then just put his name in your contact list as Don't Text. You'll see that reminder whenever you're tempted to text him to "just say hi" or "see how he's doing". 

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Again this is applying dating and break-up rules inappropriately to this situation. 

Wiseman2 you know how I feel about "dating rules" (NOT a fan), my advice wasn't about that at all.

@kim42is quite obviously very into this man, she's developed feelings for him, it's emotional. 

That's my take anyway, this thread would not be 15+ pages discussing text messaging if that were not the case.

Sure you or anyone can say, hey wish him a Merry Christmas, stay in touch, why not?

Why not is because again she's developed strong feelings for the man, this is not casual for her.  And as such, she would need to heal from the disappointment and possible hurt from having him not reciprocate her feelings.

From what I've read, she can't simply go from having romantic feelings and expectations for more to a casual professional relationship just like that because it's the logical thing to do.

Feelings and emotions do not work that way.  

Going no contact (and blocking) will make the healing process easier, that's all.

This is why it's NOT a good idea to begin a romantic involvement (which wrong or right this was for Kim) with a work colleague. 

When/if it doesn't work out, you risk losing the work (LinkedIn) connection and jeopardize the professional relationship.

$.02.

 

[kim42]

I honestly think it's unnecessary to block him, I understand it could have helped some of you and that's great but I'm not considering doing it.

He was never my direct work colleague, we only worked in the same field. Whatever happens with him does not have any impact on my career.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is why it's NOT a good idea to begin a romantic involvement (which wrong or right this was for Kim) with a work colleague. 

When/if it doesn't work out, you risk losing the work (LinkedIn) connection and jeopardize the professional relationship.

Yes but it depends on the value of the professional relationship vs. the potential match -I think meeting at or through work is a great way to meet a potential match as long as  the people don't work directly together (or if they do one is planning to leave anyway) or of course are each other's boss/supervisor.  Several of my friends (as I did) met their SO/spouses through work connections.  I didn't see that she relies on him heavily for networking or that they plan to start a business together.