I(30M) feel my gf is distancing from me to break up

[lays]

A bit of context:

Both 30,together for three years and we do not live together. I work and she is studying. Our relationship have our ups and downs. We had a couple of big discussions(One because I was jealous)

The thing is lately I feel she is all the time judging me. I know she wants me to live alone(which I also do but is hard at the moment), she judges my life, my ways of doing things... I think she is getting bored of me.

I still have not full trust in her. One of the discussion was because I was jealous she was texting her gym trainer... which was a discussion left unfinished. I also got an angry with her because a guy she studied with her was all the time flirting with her, and one day she grab her hand with me present. She told me I was right to be mad, but although she told she would distance from him she still go everyday with him. (The guy is an ashole, she also flirted with another girl with a boyfriend, who she cheated with).

Last week she was weird. She told me she want to pay me all her debt, from trip expenses.... which was weird. After that she told me she was going to focus on her studies, and we should see each other less.

I talk with her today and she told me how he went to eat with her study colleges(yeah, the ashole too). Her brother also came and she told me they were planning to make a trip to asia, alone. They also prepared a trip with friends(me included) the day we were planning to celebrate our 3 anniversary(It was just a dinner,  and well things I was preparing... but she did not remember).

I feel her distancing herself, bringing weird topics, less intimacy... I know she is mad because I have yet to move from my home(which is a valid reason), but I also hate not feeling the same trust to her and also her lack of compromise to our relationship.

 

I am lost, I do not know what to do. I am having a hard time at my job,  I distanced from friends because our relationship(My error and fault) and know I feel our relationship could end any day soon.

Do you have any advice? Maybe the reason I feel this way is stress?

Tl;DR: I(30 M ) feel my gf(30F) is drifting away. 

*Sorry for my english, not my native language.

[Coily]

Your English is fine.

There are a lot of not great things going on here.

12 minutes ago, lays said:

🚩The thing is lately I feel she is all the time judging me. I know she wants me to live alone(which I also do but is hard at the moment), she judges my life, my ways of doing things... I think she is getting bored of me.

You have the perception that she wants you to do it her way, this is something that likely will never change are you okay with living that way?

 

14 minutes ago, lays said:

I still have not full trust in her. One of the discussion was because I was jealous she was texting her gym trainer... which was a discussion left unfinished. I also got an angry with her because a guy she studied with her was all the time flirting with her, and one day she grab her hand with me present. She told me I was right to be mad, but although she told she would distance from him she still go everyday with him. (The guy is an ashole, she also flirted with another girl with a boyfriend, who she cheated with).

This is two fold, yes you have jealousy, though I'm not sure it's unfounded in the instance of her letting the jerk grab her hand in front of you. That would damage my trust issues as well. It would be one thing if you just assumed these things, but you have witnessed them and her explanation has been mildly insufficient.

16 minutes ago, lays said:

🚩She told me she want to pay me all her debt, from trip expenses.... which was weird. After that she told me she was going to focus on her studies, and we should see each other less.

Nope! Full stop. Why on earth should you pay her debts? She's not your wife nor child. Throw in she wants to reduce seeing you? That would be a very very unacceptable situation without any of the other problems.

20 minutes ago, lays said:

They also prepared a trip with friends(me included) the day we were planning to celebrate our 3 anniversary(It was just a dinner,  and well things I was preparing... but she did not remember).

This one is not a big deal in the grand scheme of what you have going on with your GF.

 

Overall, I think you are not in a good place with this relationship, too many red flags and moments where a little jealousy can be justified. I think you have to prepare for the worst here.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lays said:

Last week she was weird. She told me she want to pay me all her debt, from trip expenses.... which was weird. After that she told me she was going to focus on her studies, and we should see each other less.

Sorry this is happening. She definitely seems to be distancing herself and severing ties by paying you back, spending less time together as well as making plans without you. 

It seems like there are a lot of incompatibilities including goals, values, etc. For example after 3 years, where is this going? Is there talk about living together marriage, family or future?

Does she think living with your parents is impeding the relationship? Does she live alone or with family/roommates? How do you see each other if there's no privacy? 

Unfortunately your relationship does seem stalled out and she seems ready to move on, unfortunately without you. 

[Kwothe28]

Is this your second account here? Because we had another member with similar issues. Girlfriend in college, gym buddy problem, focusing on study etc. Stories are similar at least.

Anyway

1 hour ago, lays said:

Last week she was weird. She told me she want to pay me all her debt, from trip expenses.... which was weird. After that she told me she was going to focus on her studies, and we should see each other less.

 

What?

I call that thing "Instagramification". They maybe see their girlfriends and influencers on Instagram. And how men are paying for their stuff, taking them on trips etc. So they think they deserve "Princess" treatment. Because "If their girlfriends or some influencer can get some man to pay for them, why should she be left out? They are no better then her". At least that is how she thinks.

Dont think there is too much you can do. She is already spiralling hard there. With expensive trips and starting to exclude you. And basically telling you that you should pay for her stuff. Or she would probably find somebody else to pay. Pressumably her creepy friend who she still keeps around. So, you should make an exit. She has fallen hard to "instagramification" and there is no salvation there.

I do think you should work on living alone if you want that. But for yourself, not because of some gold digging girlfriend who feels entilted to your money.

[lays]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

 

Overall, I think you are not in a good place with this relationship, too many red flags and moments where a little jealousy can be justified. I think you have to prepare for the worst here.

She wants to pay me the money she own me(like 600 euros). We use an app to share expenses(trips,food..)

I am aware of the red flags, and I had my reasons to break up. I do not know why I keep trying, making plans, trying to be the man she wants...nothing is enough for her.I think I am scare of not finding anyone else.

Feeling judged is what really make me angry, it is a recurring feeling and I want to just be loved as I am

[lays]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like there are a lot of incompatibilities including goals, values, etc. For example after 3 years, where is this going? Is there talk about living together marriage, family or future?

Does she think living with your parents is impeding the relationship? Does she live alone or with family/roommates? How do you see each other if there's no privacy?

We have talk about the future, the idea or marriage..but nothing really serious. Zero compromise.

We both live with our parents(sadly not weird in my country). I could afford to live alone, but I have family issues why I am having it hard to move out(basically I am a emotionsl hostage by my family). My father has a flat which is empty a lot of time and all the weekends. He let me use it, in exchange of me not moving from my mom house. So we can have privacy.

 

Anyways we have problem with that, she has never spent a night with me.Only in trips. She also has low libido so sex is lacking, we would have sex like 3 times per month.

I know the reasons behind her low libido. But it makes me feel undesired and insecure. She had a lot of bf in the pasts, she once told me being drunk that she has dated/make out with more than 50 guys. She brag a lot about the guys she has been, who choose her over other girls.. but she only had a couple sexual partners(because vaginism)

 

I found out that the reason she dated me in the first place was to deal with her sexual and relationship problems

[lays]

56 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

I call that thing "Instagramification". They maybe see their girlfriends and influencers on Instagram. And how men are paying for their stuff, taking them on trips etc. So they think they deserve "Princess" treatment. Because "If their girlfriends or some influencer can get some man to pay for them, why should she be left out? They are no better then her". At least that is how she thinks.

 

Nope, my first account. She finished college and evem work a couple of years, but now she is studying to become a lawyer for the state.

To clarify, she wants to pay the money she owns me. I do usually pay more because I wamt? But trip expenses we use a debt app to settle them. But her debt had increased lately to a lot

[SooSad33]

I feel she likes all of the attention.  I wouldn't want to stick around someone like this 😕 .  it's damaging & hurtful.

You do not trust her for reasons and if this how it is, how can this relationship progress at a steady, positive level?

She does seem to be pulling away, maybe looking around for something else..?  ya think?  Then let her.  Don't beg or chase for attention.. self respect 😉 .

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, lays said:

 talk about the future, the idea or marriage..but nothing really serious. I could afford to live alone, but I have family issues why I am having it hard to move out basically I am a  hostage by my family

Unfortunately your relationship is stagnant and in limbo.  And at 30 and "nothing serious" is wasting everyone's time.

She doesn't seem like the right woman for you so maybe that's why you're just coasting along and she's already checking out.

The best thing you can do is start living your own life. You want to "be loved for who you are" and that's fine, but 3 years of going nowhere isn't doing anyone any good. You or her. So she's cutting her losses and moving on.

You may have to finally address your home life rather than expect women in your age group to wait indefinitely while you live at home.

When you get your life and family situation in order you have a much better chance of meeting better women and having quality relationships.

[Coily]

30 minutes ago, lays said:

She wants to pay me the money she own me(like 600 euros). We use an app to share expenses(trips,food..)

Mis-read that, sorry.

The fact you want to be the man you thing she wants plays a role in how you perceived her actions towards you, I think is reason enough to look at ending this. For your sake if nothing else. Since the two of you should be complimentary, not this limbo you two are living in.

About your family situation, do you have any siblings? If so are you the one who looks after family affairs more? I ask this as it can be difficult to "just move out on your own" when you look after relatives; also with housing availability in some parts of the world it's not always viable, like it is in the US or Canada.

I would say if she keeps pulling away, let her. No need to waste your time with a woman who can't communicate honestly and openly.

 

[lays]

11 minutes ago, Coily said:

 

About your family situation, do you have any siblings? If so are you the one who looks after family affairs more? I ask this as it can be difficult to "just move out on your own" when you look after relatives; also with housing availability in some parts of the world it's not always viable, like it is in the US or Canada

I do have a sister. To explain briefly my family situation. My mother was a housewife, my father divorce her around 15-20 years ago. My father gave money for my sister and I. Now he is still pass a considerable amount although he does not have to. My mother works a couple of hours, in this time she has not find a real job. She is 60 now, depressed and is scared that if I leave my father stop sending money(basically that is). I tried moving out last year and when I proposed the idea she was mad at me(big fight).

My father, does not want me to move in order that I save up money...and in order to look for my older she sister. She had a psychotic crisis years ago and she has not being the real her since. She is studying something similar to my gf,6 years and has not make real progress.

To be honest, my future scares me. I am going to therapy, and my therapist basically told me I am the father of my parents and sister. Best option to move out, but is not as easy as it seems(at least for me)

[Coily]

That is definitely a rough situation to be in and that has to be a massive burden, my sincere sympathies. While part of me wants to encourage you to just move out, and let them deal with it; they are adults after all. But i get it, there is that overbearing feeling of responsibility and duty to family; not something easily discarded.

Is there a way for you to start being more separated from them? Maybe have a separate part of the house for you? Maybe live close by, but under a different roof? Could you set up a fund so your father could still support you and your mother, but with out you suffering being over mothered?

There may come a point where you do need to just cut them off, but look into other options first. I would also not be shy about bringing up how you need to be independent when you can.

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, lays said:

 my therapist basically told me I am the father of my parents and sister. Best option to move out.

Please listen to your therapist if you want a decent life for yourself. Please stop blaming women for not accepting this complicated situation that you need to do something about. 

[Kwothe28]

33 minutes ago, lays said:

To clarify, she wants to pay the money she owns me.

Ah, she wants to pay what she already owe you. OK, that is different. And that is not bad in the whole process of things. She should pay you back money if you gave it to her.

Also, why are you allowing her this kind of behavior?

1 hour ago, lays said:

She had a lot of bf in the pasts, she once told me being drunk that she has dated/make out with more than 50 guys. She brag a lot about the guys she has been, who choose her over other girls..

There is nothing attractive about it and its a huge red flag.

Also, you are not suppose to be your parents parent. Your mom should be able to take care of herself. You can help if you really want to, but ultimately, you are 30 year old. You should be your own man and not hold back by them.

Do you have a history of complying with people in your life? Because you seem to do that with your parents as well as with gf. No matter how bad things are and even if you know what you are suppose to do.

[Coily]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please listen to your therapist if you want a decent life for yourself. Please stop blaming women for not accepting this complicated situation that you need to do something about. 

Where is the OP blaming women? From everything written here it's to do with his Girlfriend.

[lays]

17 minutes ago, Coily said:

 

There may come a point where you do need to just cut them off, but look into other options first. I would also not be shy about bringing up how you need to be independent when you can.

 

I am trying. I planned to work in another country before starting with my gf. I talk with my dad, he would keeps sending money. But he is old and he is not rich.

I am trying to distance my self myself at home. Be more independent and my mother has noticed me. But I do not know if it would works

[lays]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please listen to your therapist if you want a decent life for yourself. Please stop blaming women for not accepting this complicated situation that you need to do something about. 

I know I have to work my issue, and that is a valid reason for my gf(or any partner) to want me to. I do not blame women for this.

I admit that I wish to live with my gf to have an excuse to escape.

I start therapy because I want to become a better person. And because I know I have to take care of me and also for my partner.

Even if I break up with her I wil keep working on it.

I am mad at my gf for many reasons but I do not blame her for nothing.

Well, I do resent her way of dealing with the ashole guy.

[lays]

21 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 Do you have a history of complying with people in your life? Because you seem to do that with your parents as well as with gf. No matter how bad things are and even if you know what you are suppose to do.

Yes I do. Is part of the main problem I am tryng to solve with my therapist. I put everyone needs before mine.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, lays said:

I admit that I wish to live with my gf to have an excuse to escape., I do resent her way of dealing with the ashole guy.

Well those are separate issues. She's not the right woman for you and improving your situation with definitely help you with any relationship. Please don't hope for a GF to rescue you from all this.

This particular woman is losing interest and checking out and you resent each other so the relationship has run it's course either way. But with help and changes, you could have a better future with more compatible women.

[Andrina]

54 minutes ago, lays said:

I do have a sister. To explain briefly my family situation. My mother was a housewife, my father divorce her around 15-20 years ago. My father gave money for my sister and I. Now he is still pass a considerable amount although he does not have to. My mother works a couple of hours, in this time she has not find a real job. She is 60 now, depressed and is scared that if I leave my father stop sending money(basically that is). I tried moving out last year and when I proposed the idea she was mad at me(big fight).

My father, does not want me to move in order that I save up money...and in order to look for my older she sister. She had a psychotic crisis years ago and she has not being the real her since. She is studying something similar to my gf,6 years and has not make real progress.

To be honest, my future scares me. I am going to therapy, and my therapist basically told me I am the father of my parents and sister. Best option to move out, but is not as easy as it seems(at least for me)

So basically, you're the key to lessening everyone else's load, tying you to a life where you serve others when most at your age are leading independent lives and only meeting with family for occasional get-togethers. 

Sorry you're in this situation, and under this arrangement, I now see why I would've thought you and your girlfriends ages would've been in the late teens or the very early twenties, if you hadn't written your actual ages. This behavior of her flirtations with others and you wanting to stay regardless, is very juvenile, especially after 3 years. No wonder your growth has been stunted when you're emotionally manipulated to live in your childhood home.

It's nice to help out parents during certain times of need, but this goes way overboard. Will your mother be receiving any retirement income at a certain age? Is there a possibility of them downsizing into a less expensive dwelling? Is your mother able-bodied to do jobs that usually need many employees like hotel cleaning staff and personal caregivers like doing light housework and cooking for the elderly and disabled?

If I were you, I'd end your unsatisfying relationship and read some books on developing boundaries with family. Think about ways I've suggested such as the home downsizing and other alternatives you could come up with that will allow you to lead your own life. People pleasers eventually burn out, which is what is happening to you now. If others don't love you enough to want the best life possible for YOU, you have to be the one to love yourself and make your goals happen. Put things in perspective. You've already lived a third of your life. No more time to waste prioritizing others over yourself, because time really does fly. Good luck.

[lays]

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

If I were you, I'd end your unsatisfying relationship and read some books on developing boundaries with family. Think about ways I've suggested such as the home downsizing and other alternatives you could come up with that will allow you to lead your own life. People pleasers eventually burn out, which is what is happening to you now. If others don't love you enough to want the best life possible for YOU, you have to be the one to love yourself and make your goals happen. Put things in perspective. You've already lived a third of your life. No more time to waste prioritizing others over yourself, because time really does fly. Good luck.

The biggest problem I have is leaving my mom and sisters alone(for my sister mental health)

My mother is obesse and not fit. It makes me a bit angry. She works a couple hours per day as a caregiver but she is no fit for physical jobs.

My idea in the future was she downsizing, and if my father keeps sending money it will be okay. She wont receive any retirement money, maybe some state help and I cannot afford to send her money.

 

I will try to focus on my self and trying to move out. I have few little experience with relationships, this is my first serious one. And I do feel like sometimes I am acting like a teenager in love and allowing things I shoukd not

[lays]

Well. I have been sick all weekend, and I could not attend a family lunch of hers. Since then, I have not seen her. I am a bit mad, she has not come to visit me.

It has been two days of cold treatment. Yesterday she did not reply to an love message. Today I went a bit cold(not mature) but I am a bit tired. Before I could ask her to meet, she let me know she had plans today and we could not meet. All text have beeing meaningless. Last hour, how she was feeling. She told me she was a bit overwhelmed(did not specify with what).

I ask her if I could call her and she told me: " I prefer to meet tomorrow, and we speak a bit".

So I guess I am not gonna sleep today. I know what is coming. I feel it and I have the guts.

But ***, is this how it ends? In a couple of weeks everthing seems to go wrong.

I need a friend to cry with. But I ran out almost of friend because I focused on her.