BerlinerGirl Posted September 7, 2023 Share Posted September 7, 2023 I've been in a relationship for 2.5 years now. 1.5 years out of it were on distance. Now he lives in Paris and I live in Berlin. He visits me every other weekend. P., my boyfriend, loves me a lot. He is crazy about me. he's nice, and smart, and gentle, and caring and loyal and funny and most things one can really want. Now, I am assuming my trauma comes from childhood when I was explicitly (with parental, classmates and relative jokes) told that I am ugly. Now I think I look good , at least that is what a whole lot of guys keep telling me. they make me feel special through compliments, turning heads, and I have become addicted to the external validation. The more I hear it, the more I want. it's like because as a child I was made beleive that I am not attractive - i can no longer really find myself attractive unless some male from the side tells me that. This has now become a reason for me to cheat on my partner. I'm not justifying my actions, I was just providing context. Currently I am hooking up with my collegue D. who says he had a crush on me since we first met. D. is hot and fun and he makes me feel very special, he showers me with compliments, he's always the one initiating our communications- texts first and asks to meet up, etc. I find him very hot. He's also currently in a relationship, we have told each other about our situations. He said he lives with his girlfriend and that's the reason why breaking up is more complicated, but that he has no feelings for his girlfriend. I'm not crazy in love with D. but I think about him a lot. More than my actual boyfriend. D. isn't the first guy I cheated on P. with. I did that with other guys, at different times, when they made me feel hot and attractive. And every time I start a little caring about the other guy, and daydreaming about them... I wanna figure myself out. Either learn a way to stay faithful and yet be happy and love myself , or find a way to let P. go and break up and figure out what I wanna do with my life. The big problem is that I live in Berlin, everyone here is either in open relationships or cheating, so I am worried if I lose P. I will never again meet someone half as good as him, who is also in a healthy, committed relationship with me and does not cheat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted September 7, 2023 Share Posted September 7, 2023 6 minutes ago, BerlinerGirl said: I live in Berlin, everyone here is either in open relationships or cheating. Talk to P about an open relationship. You don't seem interested in committed relationships and that's fine, but don't use P as a security blanket. When he finds out you'll lose him anyway. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BerlinerGirl Posted September 7, 2023 Author Share Posted September 7, 2023 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Talk to P about an open relationship. You don't seem interested in a committed relationship and that's fine but don't use P as a security blanket. Thanks for your response. I already tried that but he said it is not for him. He doesn't see himself touching another person even. 😞 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted September 7, 2023 Share Posted September 7, 2023 Do you care about P? At all? Because if you do, please let him go so he can find someone who will be faithful and 100% sure she wants to be with him. Don't use him as a fall back in case none of your hookups actually want a relationship and ditch you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BerlinerGirl Posted September 7, 2023 Author Share Posted September 7, 2023 1 minute ago, boltnrun said: Do you care about P? At all? Because if you do, please let him go so he can find someone who will be faithful and 100% sure she wants to be with him. Don't use him as a fall back in case none of your hookups actually want a relationship and ditch you. Okay so, first of all that's randomly judgemental without having enough information. None of my hookups ditched me 🙂 I ended things with each one of them. OR in 1 case it was a mutual decision, as things were getting emotional and complicated. Moreover, my "hookups" are not my way of finding someone better than P. As already wrote in my post- I objectively don't think there is anyone better than him for me. I'm not looking for a better option. I explained my motives already - I just NEED EXTERNAL VALIDATION. I am not going to marry a hookup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted September 7, 2023 Share Posted September 7, 2023 Let P go, because he's worthy of someone faithful. It's not all about you, so if you never find anyone as good as P, that's the consequence you've paid for your lifestyle. Nobody should be your back up plan and a person to be used. Just have casual, short-term relationships instead of duping anyone into thinking you're someone you're not. You're using your past as a crutch and a poor excuse for your behavior. You're an adult now and don't need to lug around emotional baggage like it's something impossible to ditch. Don't become exclusive with someone unless you'll be bound by the average rules a monogamous couple abides by. Someday you'll realize the shallowness, and feel the emptiness, of bouncing from one person to another. To be monogamous holds wondrous treasures, just as when Elton John sings: It's no sacrifice. (no sacrifice to be monogamous--a beautiful thing) 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BerlinerGirl Posted September 7, 2023 Author Share Posted September 7, 2023 By the way noone who will ever comment here obviously cares or loves P 0.000000000001% as much as I do. Please, restrain from protecting a person from the person who LOVES them, and cares about them and wants the best for him as well. I've brought up the topic of breaking up multiple times and he was the most miserable one can ever get. 🙂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted September 7, 2023 Share Posted September 7, 2023 42 minutes ago, BerlinerGirl said: I already tried that but he said it is not for him. He doesn't see himself touching another person even. 😞 If you are upset by the behavior perhaps look into some help: https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/self-assessment/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BerlinerGirl Posted September 7, 2023 Author Share Posted September 7, 2023 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: If you are upset by the behavior perhaps look into some help: https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/self-assessment/ I can't be a sex addict as I never had sex in my life Yes, when I talking cheating I am referring to kissing and making out. My "cheating" patterns are also much more emotional. Deep / new / interestingly simulating conversations, which then lead to the kissing.... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Capricorn3 Posted September 7, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted September 7, 2023 50 minutes ago, BerlinerGirl said: I wanna figure myself out. Either learn a way to stay faithful and yet be happy and love myself , or find a way to let P. go and break up and figure out what I wanna do with my life. A good starting point would be to seek therapy. When you talk about "addiction" and "addicted to validation" etc, then you know it's time for professional help. The sooner, the better. You're basically using this as an excuse for your terrible and shameful behaviour. Just stop it. Also, it seems you think it's more of a joke (all your smiley emojis) than something serious. Take a good, hard look within. You have zero respect for your boyfriend, and zero self-respect. Take a good, hard look within. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts