Is it weird to ask a ex coworker male out for a drink

[vicky234]

Hi,28f i got along with a ex coworker male he quit months ago, we would have good chats,banter and laughs while working and i miss it, would it be weird if i asked if he wanted to catch up for drinks. i dont want to overstep he has a girlfriend i have a boyfriend, i just enjoyed the friendship?

Ive never had opposite sex friends so i dont know how it works lol

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, vicky234 said:

. i dont want to overstep he has a girlfriend i have a boyfriend, i just enjoyed the friendship?

Have you stayed in touch since he left?  Try connecting on LinkedIn in to stay in touch professionally.  Would going out one-on-one for coffee  be awkward for him?

[vicky234]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you stayed in touch since he left?  Try connecting on LinkedIn in to stay in touch professionally.  Would going out one-on-one for coffee could be awkward for him?

We are facebook friends and we talked on snapchat chat for a couple of months after he quit and weve talked abit on facebook but nothing since like feb, nah i dont think it would be awkward at all when we start chatting we dont shut up lol. 

[Batya33]

Not to meet for drinks.  I'd invite him to meet for lunch during the workday if it's going to be one on one and stay sober. Or possibly morning coffee if your commute overlaps like at a train station with a food court -I used to meet an ex coworker for breakfast like that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, vicky234 said:

, nah i dont think it would be awkward at all when we start chatting we dont shut up lol. 

So you were already  trying to have a sort of emotional affair?  If you haven't heard from him since Feb, maybe he came to his senses and is focusing on his GF and relationship. Perhaps you might consider doing the same.

Asking guys out for drinks is not just "staying friends".  Are there problems with your current BF?

[boltnrun]

Ask your boyfriend for advice on what to do. He's a man so he could provide some valuable input. 

[Andrina]

What are the relationship boundaries as far as opposite sex friends goes, that you and your boyfriend have discussed? If you haven't discussed that yet, do so to make sure you're both on the same page so you don't waste time with someone incompatible.

Many couples meet up with other couples or have group friends. Why not try to establish this as another couple for you and your bf to hang out with, versus you and the old co-worker hanging out one-on-one?

[Coily]

I agree with Andrina and Batya, if you want to spend time with this friend, then find ways to include your BF and his GF, or at the very least make sure they are offered. I would also steer away from drinks out in a one on one situation initially; maybe over time once boundaries are firmly established.

Go slow reconnecting with a co-worker, and just be very open about where you're going with your BF. It's not hard, nor is it the path to an emotional affair; just be smart and know your boundaries and those of your BF.

[Jaunty]

Not unless your boyfriend and his girlfriend are included in the plans.

[Kwothe28]

Weird? No, there are a lot of people of opposite sex who are just friends.

Innapropriate? Quite possibly. As you both have relationships and who knows how it could be misconstrued. First from him who would maybe think you want something more, then from his girlfriend who would maybe mind, and last but not least, from your boyfriend who could possibly also mind you going with some man for drinks. Its a murky teritory.

[Jaunty]

My relationship doesn't have boundaries because of gender, but there are common sense guidelines just because of the culture where we live.  We naturally abide by those.   There are behaviors that are commonly accepted as "dating" and inviting someone hetero of the opposite sex out for drinks one on one  is among those.  

Neither of us have ever developed a new "friendship" relationship with an opposite sex person by asking them out for drinks just because we want to hang around with them ... because that is "dating" in our culture. 

It is different if you had the friendship prior to getting together with your partners - at least it is in my personal relationship.  

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

Extend the invitation to his GF, and if he accepts, invite your BF to join. Then you both can tell all about the characters involved and your stories about your shared work life.

I can’t speak for most people, but I love hearing about this stuff. It could bond the 4 of you as good couples dates, even while it can expand your professional network to help one another find jobs or fill positions in the future.

[vicky234]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you were already  trying to have a sort of emotional affair?  If you haven't heard from him since Feb, maybe he came to his senses and is focusing on his GF and relationship. Perhaps you might consider doing the same.

Asking guys out for drinks is not just "staying friends".  Are there problems with your current BF?

No we would just talk from time to time on snapchat about work stuff and how his new job is going and banter about our boss nothing flirty or emotional affair like

Yeah true thats a good point i havent heard from him since feb. 

Okay it doesnt have to be drinks if thats not friend like behaviour it could be a lunch catch up, thanks for the advice 

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, vicky234 said:

Hi,28f i got along with a ex coworker male he quit months ago, we would have good chats,banter and laughs while working and i miss it, would it be weird if i asked if he wanted to catch up for drinks. i dont want to overstep he has a girlfriend i have a boyfriend, i just enjoyed the friendship?

Ive never had opposite sex friends so i dont know how it works lol

I would keep it to texts, frankly. I have a situation a little like this. For me, asking the guy to go for a drink would be way out of bounds unless there is a good reason for it. And if there's a good reason for it, everything would be above board and it would be something I discussed and agreed upon with my partner beforehand.

[boltnrun]

Have you discussed your plan to meet up with this former coworker with your boyfriend?

[Jibralta]

9 minutes ago, vicky234 said:

Okay it doesnt have to be drinks if thats not friend like behaviour it could be a lunch catch up, thanks for the advice 

I wouldn't even do a lunch catchup, tbh. Even regular phone conversations is too much (in my opinion).

[vicky234]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

What are the relationship boundaries as far as opposite sex friends goes, that you and your boyfriend have discussed? If you haven't discussed that yet, do so to make sure you're both on the same page so you don't waste time with someone incompatible.

Many couples meet up with other couples or have group friends. Why not try to establish this as another couple for you and your bf to hang out with, versus you and the old co-worker hanging out one-on-one?

My bf has a girl thats a friend she is married with 2 kids and they do hang out without her husband sometimes i dont really mind, he doesnt have any other friends that are girls hes a nervous person i had to make the first move when we started dating as he was too nervous to.

I have mentioned to him before that oh it would be good to catch up with old co worker and hes not cared at all.

[vicky234]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Have you discussed your plan to meet up with this former coworker with your boyfriend?

I have, ive mentioned it and said ohh it would be nice to catch up with old coworker and he doesnt care 🤷‍♀️

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I wouldn't even do a lunch catchup, tbh. Even regular phone conversations is too much (in my opinion).

I didn't focus on that he is an ex coworker -if they were coworkers and she suggested grabbing a slice of pizza at lunch time that is different- assuming it was platonic/no flirting but since this would be unusual for her to ask he's likely to misinterpret unless it's a double date invite.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, vicky234 said:

 and he doesnt care 🤷‍♀️

Maybe reflect on this a bit. Perhaps you miss your coworker, but you haven't been in contact for months now. Maybe you're feeling lonely or left out in your relationship because he tends to be passive? 

[Andrina]

You didn't reply to the suggestion of making this a double date. Even as your bf doesn't care, your former co-worker's gf might be the type that does care. So even if your invite is platonic, you could be stirring up trouble for him and his gf, since she doesn't know you or your intentions, especially when you haven't included her. I get the feeling you don't want his gf and her bf around and included within this "friendship." 

Just be aware it's not all about you. You have to think of how your actions might affect others and act accordingly.

[Capricorn3]

My gut says there's more feelings on your side than "just friends".  You haven't seen him since February.  He hasn't been in touch with you since then.  He's focused on his girlfriend.  If you insist on wanting to "catch up" and have a drink or a lunch with him, make sure to invite his girlfriend too.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, vicky234 said:

I have, ive mentioned it and said ohh it would be nice to catch up with old coworker and he doesnt care 🤷‍♀️

Now this is really important to know: Does he knows coworker is a man or you were being vague about that?

[Batya33]

When you did work together did you go to lunch etc one on one? I had a married coworker who I would have lunch with occasionally -we were friendly but the lunches were focused on business/professional growth.  We also chatted about his wife and kids and platonic topics -vacations, etc. 

He was handsome and it was 100% platonic -he was very traditional that way as was I.  After he left he continued to work at companies near mine and every two months or so we'd meet for a burger and again it was heavily focused on business.  We rarely emailed or spoke other than to set up lunch. 

And he always seemed very happily married/very family oriented (similar ages). The last time we met I had recently married and was expecting a baby and he was very happy for me.  I never kept anything from my boyfriends/husband but it was so like "oh I am meeting [name] for lunch today at [place] -same as if I would tell him I was meeting a female friend.

I also know that if I'd been attracted to him or wanted to banter/be flirty I'd have stopped meeting up with him so as not to play with fire even uninentionally.  So yes it can work just fine IMO but not with ulterior motives and best if it's just a continuation of meeting up for lunch etc as you did when coworkers.

(I moved away and we stayed in very limited touch -he helped me when I was looking to return to work after raising my son - sent out emails on my behalf etc but no we didn't stay in close  touch)

[shouldhavelearned]

All four should go