Casual sex partner/FWB ghosts...any thoughts what it might mean?

[NighttimeNightmare]

None of what you describe in your OP is “ghosting,” ghosting is when the person disappears, forever essentially, without informing you they’ll be leaving your life.  With this guy, he’s simply not responding until it’s convenient for him to meet up 

 

As of now he’s just hitting you up when he’s available to meet, he sees no use responding if he isn’t available, whereas you’d like an answer to the questions you ask him. When that doesn’t happen, you feel used. 

[lostandhurt]

5 hours ago, toothless5 said:

I just don't feel sexy, ergo sexual, when I am feeling gross.

I totally get what you are saying.  You want to be sweaty and smelly AFTER sex, not before 😁

Either way I am sure you have options so explore them or create them.

Here's a hint:  You tell a guy "I need a few hours to get ready so we can have some fun in bed" and you will have a guy that looks like a puppy waiting for a treat when you get there.

Lost

[Batya33]

I see nothing wrong with how he approaches your invitations to meet up for sex.  If he's not in the mood/doesn't feel like seeing you and having intercourse then he doesn't respond.  I agree with Miss Canuck - all that is wrong is that you want your sexual arrangement with him handled with different types of planning and interactions.  This is not FWB -you two are not close friends who are deciding to have sex - I mean friends don't expect a free dinner do they? And anyway it doesn't sound like this started out as a close friendship and you both figured why not add sex to the mix.

Find a man who likes to make plans in advance to meet up for sex and if it involves a meal I'd take turns treating or split the bill.

[toothless5]

5 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

None of what you describe in your OP is “ghosting,” ghosting is when the person disappears, forever essentially, without informing you they’ll be leaving your life.  With this guy, he’s simply not responding until it’s convenient for him to meet up 

 

As of now he’s just hitting you up when he’s available to meet, he sees no use responding if he isn’t available, whereas you’d like an answer to the questions you ask him. When that doesn’t happen, you feel used. 

I know that it is not technically ghosting. 

I am using it in the sense of....one minute things seem fine, and the next minute, they have fallen off the face of the earth. 

 

 

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

I totally get what you are saying.  You want to be sweaty and smelly AFTER sex, not before 😁

Either way I am sure you have options so explore them or create them.

Here's a hint:  You tell a guy "I need a few hours to get ready so we can have some fun in bed" and you will have a guy that looks like a puppy waiting for a treat when you get there.

Lost

I like that. I will have to try it sometime.

 

 

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I see nothing wrong with how he approaches your invitations to meet up for sex.  If he's not in the mood/doesn't feel like seeing you and having intercourse then he doesn't respond.  I agree with Miss Canuck - all that is wrong is that you want your sexual arrangement with him handled with different types of planning and interactions.  This is not FWB -you two are not close friends who are deciding to have sex - I mean friends don't expect a free dinner do they? And anyway it doesn't sound like this started out as a close friendship and you both figured why not add sex to the mix.

Find a man who likes to make plans in advance to meet up for sex and if it involves a meal I'd take turns treating or split the bill.

Okay for one, I do not expect a free meal. And, we DO take turns. In fact, I got dinner the last time. My whole point with the dinner thing was just....that it's a small price to pay, in the grand scheme of things. 

You see nothing wrong with not responding or ignoring? 

[toothless5]

I would like to add some context and maybe an example. 

This is not a case of me reaching out to him and cold asking him to hang and him simply not replying. These cases are such that we are in the middle of conversations....and he just drops from the conversations on a dime. 

Here is a recent example: we were having a normal, standard conversation. (via text) About life. We had recently built a guest house, and I was telling him how it was pretty much done, just about. His response? "Sounds like you need to 'christen' the guest house ;)" I just chuckled. But, we talked a bit more about some of the logistics, finishing touches and what not. 

Then, I ask him, "Hey what are you doing Friday?"   "Working. Why?"    "Well, I am free this Friday. wink wink. In case you wanted to christen that guest house." 

Then silence. Then no response. Then....nothing from him for 5 days. 

But, this is not a one time thing. This is how it goes every time. It's not me asking him to hang out, from out of nowhere. It's being in full conversations and then, he disappears. 

Bear in mind, he is the one sending sexy memes. He is the one making suggestive comments. Then, the second I put myself out there with it....he's gone. 

[shouldhavelearned]

If you don't like the way he treats you or his lack of response

Find someone else to fit your sexual needs and companionship

 

Sounds like you have a lot of good things going on and it wouldn't be that hard to do

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

I know that it is not technically ghosting. 

I am using it in the sense of....one minute things seem fine, and the next minute, they have fallen off the face of the earth. 

 

 

I like that. I will have to try it sometime.

 

 

Okay for one, I do not expect a free meal. And, we DO take turns. In fact, I got dinner the last time. My whole point with the dinner thing was just....that it's a small price to pay, in the grand scheme of things. 

You see nothing wrong with not responding or ignoring? 

No - you are asking him to meet up for sex so he responds only if he also wants to meet up for sex.  If you were dating I'd see it differently because it wouldn't be transactional.  

[Batya33]

Oh ok I see.  If the sex is that good that you are willing to deal with his different approach from yours -then I'd decrease all this chit chat.  Keep texts to just the arrangements - not with the coy joking around -it's cute but not so much for this sort of sexual arrangement.  Keep the suggestive comments to when you are in person hanging out and having sex.  I think you're getting some additional expectations based on these conversations and he is not - so if he senses you're starting to treat this as something in addition to meeting up to have sex he might not feel comfortable telling you that so he reacts with silence.  Or he might have gotten a better offer.

For sure if you contact him about an STD or pregnancy related issue then he should respond promptly.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

  I ask him, "Hey what are you doing Friday?"   "Working. Why?"    "Well, I am free this Friday. wink wink. In case you wanted to christen that guest house." Then silence. Then no response.Then....nothing from him for 5 days. 

That sadly makes sense.  He's avoiding any BFish and relationship-like things such staying in your guest house.  Unfortunately it's all on his terms, what's convenient for him.

[toothless5]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That sadly makes sense.  He's avoiding any BFish and relationship-like things such staying in your guest house.  Unfortunately it's all on his terms, what's convenient for him.

But....HE is the one that made the christening joke to begin with. That's what I don't get. Why even be suggestive if you don't want to...you know, follow through on the suggestiveness? 

If he hadn't made that comment, we probably would have completed a completely normal and platonic conversation. He is the one that went there first. 

Also, do you consider making plans for a hang longer than an hour ahead of time to be something BF-ish?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, toothless5 said:

, do you consider making plans for a hang longer than an hour ahead of time to be something BF-ish?

It's understandable you would like a FWB/dating situation where you're treated well, but he only does what he wants when he wants. He said he was working anyway. 

[toothless5]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's understandable you would like a FWB/dating situation where you're treated well, but he only does what he wants when he wants. He said he was working anyway. 

Of course....and it didn't bother me that he was busy and couldn't do anything that Friday. 

What bothered me is that he disappeared when I suggested it. When I suggested the same thing he had suggested 10 minutes prior. 

[boltnrun]

He'll probably want to have sex with you, but not on that particular day.  Or maybe he will but doesn't want to plan ahead like a date.

Whenever I had an encounter with the guy I was having casual hookups with it was maybe an hour or two ahead max.  It was usually something like "I'm in my car about 20 minutes from your condo, you there?"  And I either was or I wasn't.  There were a few times where we sort of hung out for a bit before getting busy, but there was never any confusion about what we were getting together for.  And I certainly didn't do things like wash my hair or get dressed up for him.  He got me as I was.

[lovergal]

Guys are just horny and when they're horny they msg. Like who really PLANS sex? It's not natural.

Like what if he doesn't want to have sex on Thursday at 4pm?

I would suggest maybe stop being uptight. Even if it's the day of - I think it's fine. Quickly get ready and have fun.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, toothless5 said:

Then, I ask him, "Hey what are you doing Friday?"   "Working. Why?"    "Well, I am free this Friday. wink wink. In case you wanted to christen that guest house." 

Then silence. Then no response. Then....nothing from him for 5 days. 

I would be annoyed by this. 

That would also be my cue not to continue this arrangement with this specific person. He sounds too frustrating to deal with. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, lovergal said:

Guys are just horny and when they're horny they msg. Like who really PLANS sex? It's not natural.

Like what if he doesn't want to have sex on Thursday at 4pm?

I would suggest maybe stop being uptight. Even if it's the day of - I think it's fine. Quickly get ready and have fun.

People who want casual sex arrangements might approach it as this guy does - not gender based  -makes perfect sense to me.  Just doesn't work for the OP.  Doesn't matter who brings up the flirty comment or joke - this is a sexual arrangement so it's a waste of time to read into the actual back and forth -not a waste of time IMO to cut to the chase 99.9% of the time so there's far less risk for misundertanding -just text to make the plan - can make it cool can't make it oh well maybe next time.  Wrote this above.

Problem solved. The problem that is not solved is the OP might view sexual arrangements differently and want someone who also wants to talk/hang out other than sex/make plans in advance -I suspect because the cut and drie transactional type arrangement doesn't sit well with her.  Might be because in reality she's settling for a sexual arrangement or maybe not.

Which is fine --the bells and whistles she wants -just not with this guy. 

[lovergal]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

People who want casual sex arrangements might approach it as this guy does - not gender based  -makes perfect sense to me.  Just doesn't work for the OP.  Doesn't matter who brings up the flirty comment or joke - this is a sexual arrangement so it's a waste of time to read into the actual back and forth -not a waste of time IMO to cut to the chase 99.9% of the time so there's far less risk for misundertanding -just text to make the plan - can make it cool can't make it oh well maybe next time.  Wrote this above.

Problem solved. The problem that is not solved is the OP might view sexual arrangements differently and want someone who also wants to talk/hang out other than sex/make plans in advance -I suspect because the cut and drie transactional type arrangement doesn't sit well with her.  Might be because in reality she's settling for a sexual arrangement or maybe not.

Which is fine --the bells and whistles she wants -just not with this guy. 

If she wants to talk and get to know the guy - it's not casual. It seems she wants more than just casual sex. Of course when she sees him - there will be small talk but outside of seeing each other - getting to know each other just for casual sex doesn't happen often. Seems like OP is lonely and wants more than casual sex.

[smackie9]

When it comes to this type of arrangement, you have to stipulate rules/boundaries, and expectations, because everyone has a different perspective in what a FWB means to them. So if you can't agree on certain things that are important to you or them, then it won't work. Having to lay out the ground rules first with a few discussions you just saved a lot on time and BS. You proceed to look elsewhere. 

[boltnrun]

I never setup any rules or boundaries with my casual sex guy. We just got together when we felt like it and other than that didn't have any involvement in each other's lives. I guess you could call it a boundary, though, when I declined to give him money in exchange for sex! That was a definite "NO"! But I didn't expect dinner or TV watching or cuddling and I didn't get fixed up for him. I honestly didn't care what he thought of me and I'm sure he didn't care what I thought of him. 

[itsallgrand]

58 minutes ago, lovergal said:

If she wants to talk and get to know the guy - it's not casual. It seems she wants more than just casual sex. Of course when she sees him - there will be small talk but outside of seeing each other - getting to know each other just for casual sex doesn't happen often. Seems like OP is lonely and wants more than casual sex.

I mean, she even mentioned she wants the f in fwb - someone like friend. Nothing wrong with that. The few casual situations I've had in my life were like that. Not cut and dry sex, wine, breakfasts, laughing, joking and sex. 

She can find it but this guy just isn't it. He's get in get out. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, lovergal said:

If she wants to talk and get to know the guy - it's not casual. It seems she wants more than just casual sex. Of course when she sees him - there will be small talk but outside of seeing each other - getting to know each other just for casual sex doesn't happen often. Seems like OP is lonely and wants more than casual sex.

I think what she wants is fine. No labels needed. My sense is she might be settling for scraps if she keeps up this sort of arrangement. She should find a guy who wants to meet up for sex and hanging out aside from sex or doing activities together who also is single. 

[SooSad33]

I'd say he ghosts cause he's got nothing to say.. until HE wants it.

maybe this is just the wrong 'friend' for you?  So, consider stop seeing him.

 

[lovergal]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

I mean, she even mentioned she wants the f in fwb - someone like friend. Nothing wrong with that. The few casual situations I've had in my life were like that. Not cut and dry sex, wine, breakfasts, laughing, joking and sex. 

She can find it but this guy just isn't it. He's get in get out. 

regardless, she should communiate what she wants to the guy. he's prob not gonna follow through so she should find someone else

[lovergal]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think what she wants is fine. No labels needed. My sense is she might be settling for scraps if she keeps up this sort of arrangement. She should find a guy who wants to meet up for sex and hanging out aside from sex or doing activities together who also is single. 

but that's... dating. lol no one is doing that nowadays.

sex is pretty common to get and i'm sure he can get a girl without this baggage

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, lovergal said:

but that's... dating. lol no one is doing that nowadays.

sex is pretty common to get and i'm sure he can get a girl without this baggage

Sure call it whatever - it doesn't matter (to me yes the labels of exclusivity, marriage, engagement -have true meaning underneath -not just a title)

-I mean people use FWB when the people are not friends and it's a sexual arrangement so it's inaccurate and to me a silly euphemism.  To me dating is planned activities in advance and may or may not involve intercourse. She wants an arrangement focused on intercourse -they get together when they're both horny and want to have sex -and then also hang out/chat etc.  To me that's different from how I understand dating.