Sister pushing me away?

[User9300]

I think my sister may be trying to push me away we use to be super close i would go over to her house basically every Monday for the last 8 years (since my niece was born) we would run around town doing whatever hang her house or id take my niece and nephew to the park or on a walk to give my sister a break from the kids since her husband works alone and she's a stay at home mom.

once it a while one of us would be busy no big deal crap happens but ever since early June she has a new reason every week for not hanging out (one being packing for a trip 3 WEEKS in advance) only came over once since early June when she needed help moving some stuff with my truck but soon as that was done she was pushing me out the door because dinner plans changed with her co worker to that day at the last minute.

she did recently start hanging out with a old girlfriend who abandoned her a year or 2 ago and she seams to have plenty of time for her now but nobody else it's even gotten to a point a few weeks ago at church my niece asked me why I don't come over anymore I just told her mom says yall are busy all the time now but I still ask her every week but she says no your too busy but I told my niece I still love her and will try to come see her and her brother I tried to talk to my sister about it asking what's wrong but she said nothing is wrong.

I think when I really started feeling she don't want me around anymore was 2 weeks ago I took 10 days off work to go on a 6 day trip so I could have time to get ready to go I mentioned to her hey I have 3 days open to come over for a day before I leave for my trip can I come over one of those days? She said idk because I'm not sure what day my old neighbor is coming over I followed up again the day before that 3 day window and she "still didn't know when her old neighbor was coming over" I thought why not pick a day for us and have the neighbor work around that????

Today yet again She's hanging with the old friend who abandoned her and is now around all the time idk what to do it's gotten me to a point were I'm depressed all the time about it and it's affecting my day to day life she claims after summer she will have more time but I'm sure after summer new reasons for being busy will come up. 

On a side note we still text occasionally about random things

Do I keep trying to see about visiting so I can say I'm trying or do I just fully give up and cut ties completely stop trying to be apart of her life? 

[smackie9]

Just have a calm talk with her. No scolding, just say you are open to whatever /she can be totally honest, there won't be repercussions.

You can always offer to take your niece out for the day shopping and spend time with her. I would also suggest finding someone else to hang out with. Maybe there's just something in her head that she wants a change for a little while. 

I hope you get some answers. 

 

[Andrina]

Just as friend relationships can change, whether growing or lessening or the dynamic is evolving, so can sibling relationships change.

Do you have any friendships besides the one you have with your sister? If not, she might be feeling smothered, and it sounds like she no longer wishes for this standing Monday get-together. 

What would I do in your shoes? I'd probably take the hint and stop going there without an invite. Let her take the lead, for now, in efforts to get together with you. Perhaps she will develop a new pattern you'll have to respect to remain in her life. I would still, however, ask to pick up the kids once a week or every other week for an outing since you're obviously attached to them and they value you as a wonderful, involved auntie.

Take care.

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't seem like she is "pushing you away", it seems like life is getting busy and changing for her.

All you can do is depend less on them for a social life. 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, get a fun part-time job and broaden your social horizons.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. 

This way you won't feel like a third wheel hanging around your sister's place.  

[Kwothe28]

Some people look at their relationship(even siblings ones) through usefulness. You were "good enough" when kids where small and when she needed help over them. But now when kids are a little older, go to school and such, and she has a new old bestie again, you "outlived your usefulness". So she doesnt have time for you and doesnt want to make some. Its a thing in some friendships and relationships, sadly. I know its hard because its a sibling one. But I think its important to know that you cant count on her as a true friend. And that you should adjust your expectations accordingly. Its less dissapointing in that way, trust me.

[shouldhavelearned]

Did they find a romantic interest

[catfeeder]

She might be a bit ashamed of the company she's back with, because you know she was abandoned by this person. She might also be hiding what she's been doing with this person--drinking or smoking or whatever.

This is one of the down sides of being someone's confidant when they've been mistreated by another. If they feel like a doormat yet still go back to that person, they don't want you to see it--and they especially don't want you to comment about it.

I'd approach her from the POV of the kids and my relationship with them. I'd promise to stay out of her way if I could just take the kids every other weekend or alternate them each weekend if they are competitive. Or a weeknight, or whatever. She's probably used to you hanging around before-or-after your outings with the kids, so volunteer that you won't do that.

I went through a period like this with my sister when she was hanging out with a woman who NObody in our family liked. We never badmouthed the woman, but my sister could tell. Well, most of what we didn't like about her was that we never got to see my sister without her anymore. She even came over one Christmas. We were pretty bummed out by that.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Kwothe28.  Some people will use you and when you're no longer useful,  they dump you.  My narcissistic sister is reminiscent of your sister.  Narcissists do not care about you.  They're very self serving and have no qualms discarding you like yesterday's trash. 

As with anyone in life,  always follow their cue.  If they're avoiding you,  get their message and avoid them as well.  If they're kind and empathetic,  you follow suit by being the same.  If there isn't consistent respectful,  kind and considerate behavior,  then reassess and reevaluate the relationship by determining whether or not you can learn to lose interest in said person. 

You need to respect yourself.  Never allow others to dictate how you should feel or how you should navigate your life.  When you know a person doesn't want to be with you (I'm sorry),  you need to go your own way.  Never waste your time,  energy and resources on a person if the care isn't genuinely mutual and make sure relationships are unconditional.  Any other way is not an option.

As for your niece,  tell her that you've already tried to get together with them to no avail and should she ask again,  ask her to ask her mother for further explanations. 

I have a sister whom I was close to and now "thanks" to her jerk husband who is a controlling,  shameful,  humiliating embarrassment during all social settings and privately,  I'm relieved to be gone.  My sister is too preoccupied with charming her way in this life which I find far too pretentious and phony not to mention exhausting.  I'm out.  I no longer beg,  plead nor implore to be in her nor anyone's life.   Nowadays,  I treat people exactly how they treat me.  If they're kind,  I'm kind.  If they go above and beyond,  I reciprocate.  If they don't do anything,  I don't do anything.  If they don't care,  neither do I.  I prefer to live my own life and be happy.  It requires less effort and it's less work.  I vote for low maintenance people.  High maintenance people?  No thanks.

Moral of this story?  Be balanced,  fair and equal.  This will give you peace of mind. 

[User9300]

On 8/14/2023 at 12:05 PM, User9300 said:

I think my sister may be trying to push me away we use to be super close i would go over to her house basically every Monday for the last 8 years (since my niece was born) we would run around town doing whatever hang her house or id take my niece and nephew to the park or on a walk to give my sister a break from the kids since her husband works alone and she's a stay at home mom.

once it a while one of us would be busy no big deal crap happens but ever since early June she has a new reason every week for not hanging out (one being packing for a trip 3 WEEKS in advance) only came over once since early June when she needed help moving some stuff with my truck but soon as that was done she was pushing me out the door because dinner plans changed with her co worker to that day at the last minute.

she did recently start hanging out with a old girlfriend who abandoned her a year or 2 ago and she seams to have plenty of time for her now but nobody else it's even gotten to a point a few weeks ago at church my niece asked me why I don't come over anymore I just told her mom says yall are busy all the time now but I still ask her every week but she says no your too busy but I told my niece I still love her and will try to come see her and her brother I tried to talk to my sister about it asking what's wrong but she said nothing is wrong.

I think when I really started feeling she don't want me around anymore was 2 weeks ago I took 10 days off work to go on a 6 day trip so I could have time to get ready to go I mentioned to her hey I have 3 days open to come over for a day before I leave for my trip can I come over one of those days? She said idk because I'm not sure what day my old neighbor is coming over I followed up again the day before that 3 day window and she "still didn't know when her old neighbor was coming over" I thought why not pick a day for us and have the neighbor work around that????

Today yet again She's hanging with the old friend who abandoned her and is now around all the time idk what to do it's gotten me to a point were I'm depressed all the time about it and it's affecting my day to day life she claims after summer she will have more time but I'm sure after summer new reasons for being busy will come up. 

On a side note we still text occasionally about random things

Do I keep trying to see about visiting so I can say I'm trying or do I just fully give up and cut ties completely stop trying to be apart of her life? 

UPDATE - Today she randomly sent me a video of her pranking my niece with a new tiktok trend that's going around not sure what to think that would have any affect on how things could really be

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, User9300 said:

Today randomly sent me a video of her pranking my niece with a new tiktok trend that's going around not sure what to think that would have any affect on how things could really be

Please tell me its not "Break an egg on your kid forehead" challenge. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, User9300 said:

Today randomly sent me a video of her pranking my niece with a new tiktok trend that's going around 

That's ok. Sounds like she's keeping you in the loop with the kids. Her life seems to be getting busier and that happens. Perhaps your sister has some single friends she could introduce you to so you're not feeling this lonely and left out?

[Cherylyn]

I don't buy into excuses that people are too busy for me.   If this is the case,  I too can say I'm too busy for them as well.  It works both ways.