Crossroads? Or bump in the road?

[Steffyleffy]

My husband and I have been married a long time (for me): 15 years (!), but we’ve always been a rather low-behavioral-engagement couple. I’m not super into physical-romantic closeness, and neither is he. Furthermore, he wasn’t taught to celebrate things like birthdays or anniversaries, but its been largely ok with me throughout the years because I’m compulsive enough enough to plan things (whether or not he’s participating), and because I really just thought I wanted a best friend/ partner, without the performative trappings of a traditional relationship (mas o memos). 

That said; we’re monogamous, and I moved away from my friends, family, and job to support him and his job. We had kids and we moved to a house his parents bought for him with an odd floor plan (way too close to his very socially active family), and he snores, and I I couldn’t sleep, and eventually I moved upstairs while he moved downstairs, so now it feels sometimes like I’m co-parenting in the same house with him. This has been ok; I love being with him even if I don’t always feel fulfilled. He does feel like my best friend, and we’ve always been able to make *it* work, but since I don’t sleep in a bed with him, we have about an hour a day together sans kids, when we generally watch tv, before he poops out. We have sex maybe once every three months. This feels low to me, even though I’m a low-sex drive person (I think), and I do sometimes engage in fantasies about other people that seem to fill in the cracks of our marriage.

 Recently, I’ve met someone who I’m unusually attracted to, and while I feel like “normally” I wouldn’t indulge an outsider, Ive been lost in limerence. I’ve literally felt like it’s unbelievable that my husband finds me sexy or interesting. I don’t even find myself sexy or interesting, but the idea that someone is really turned on trying to gain that level of intimacy with me is so beguiling. It (the idea that someone wants me) has taken hold of me, and it poisons how I view my husband’s interactions, so that I think it obvious that my husband doesn’t want me. 

I want to be a good, loving best-pal partner, but I also relish the idea of feeling desirable and desired… I’ve talked to my husband about wanting more sensuality, connection, and just…attention, (leaving out the specifics of wanting to be intimate with someone else), but it’s as if he’s paralyzed (or apathetic). He doesn’t do anything… and while I understand we are both complicit in our own relationship, i just feel so…unmoved right now, and like I need something more. 

I love my husband and I don’t want to leave him, but I dream about being desired by other people all day long now. I have no friends or family close by anymore- it’s all HIS life and support system, and I am feeling trapped and guilty and duplicitous…and horny. I want my limerent object and they are amorphous enough to represent the fulfillment of every desire that occurs to me, and the further I indulge the idea of a different life, the further I feel from my present life. 

It’s my anniversary with my husband this week, and normally I would be planning something celebratory because I love celebrations and planning ahead. That said, my husband does not celebrate…anything… and I just lack the energy to make more plans this year that he doesn’t care about and (for the first time), I don’t care about. It feels bad to not care…my husband is sort of starting to understand that there is an issue between us, but not enough to uh…make a dinner reservation. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m co-signing our divorce by giving up the ghost that we should celebrate our anniversary, but at the same time, he’s so...ineffectual. Normally, I would just suck it up and try to plan the sort of night I would enjoy, but this year, I just can’t imagine a way we could celebrate that would fulfill the connection I want. But it’s bad not to celebrate?

So, what would you do? Shine it on? Break it off? Or try and communicate through the same issues that we’ve tossed around for years? I don’t want to divorce, but I do yearn for a clean slate, and the enthusiasm that comes with it…I knowwwww this is my issue (hi! I’m the problem it’s me), but I’m too exhausted to see the solution. Little help?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Steffyleffy said:

 I’ve met someone who I’m unusually attracted to,  I am feeling trapped and guilty and duplicitous…and horny. I want my limerent object and they are amorphous enough to represent the fulfillment of every desire that occurs to me, 

Are you seeing this person? You seem starved for affection, but you and your husband have mutually decided on being roommates.

Having fantasies about someone else especially in a stale marriage is common.

However it's unclear if you are actually trying to have an affair with someone or writing romance novel style feelings about wanting an affair. Who is this "limerent object" and in what way are they "amorphous"? 

[Batya33]

What do you mean he wasn't raised to celebrate anything -is he some sort of sheep who follows whatever he was told as a child -does he have thoughts of his own? Does he make decisions about his work? Make parenting decisions or does he simply say about whatever "well I was told as a child that you do X and Y or Z in reactio to A so if it doesn't work for you -oh well sorry that's just how I was raised can't change it". 

I've been married almost 15 years and relocated for my husband's career 800 miles from the major city I'd lived in for 43 years - we celebrate birthdays/holidays/anniversaries but typically no biggie other than our son's milestone bdays etc.  Are you very focused on big parties so you think he doesn't "celebrate?"  For father's day we were in Europe so my son and I found a second hand American CD my husband would love at a used book store, I bought a gourmet chocolate bar at a famous department store and a really cool unique card there too. 

He was delighted.  More than delighted. When we got home I made him his favorite soup (from a mix but he loves that mix and it's not a soup I eat -all for him).  He again was delighted. Is this a "celebration?" I mean -no -it's an acknowledgement that shows we thought of him and we really love and care about him!

Also what is "trappings" to you that are "traditional?" His parents bought you a house -that's pretty darn traditional -the wife doesn't pay for housing right? I think you were dishonest with yourself about what you wanted and now you regret it -but that's not really all his fault.

If you have the dream of someone else and feel that you are really tempted to act on it then get divorced first, be single for a year -do all the celebrations you want free of this marriage -then date people.  Certainly no justification for cheating -you're not thinking that your husband deserves to be cheated on? It sounds like in a way you signed up for this and it's not really cool for the kids to be part of the break up of a marriage based on cheating -I've seen-indirectly-how damaging that can be for children.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're struggling!

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, Steffyleffy said:

Recently, I’ve met someone who I’m unusually attracted to,

Then that's who you need to avoid right now, in every way, until you decide to either end things with your husband or work on the marriage. If he or she is crossing boundaries with you, a taken woman, know that the person has poor ethics and isn't good partner material if you were to divorce.

8 hours ago, Steffyleffy said:

I have no friends or family close by anymore- it’s all HIS life and support system,

In 15 years, you haven't made any friends? Isn't that on you?

Decent people finish one relationship before beginning another. 

Only you know your heart and whether or not you want to save this marriage. If you want to save it, since communication hasn't worked, do instead of talk. Look at articles on how to reestablish an emotional connection with your partner. Buy massage oil, and you can trade foot rubs or back rubs while watching TV. If you don't have date days/nights, get a babysitter at least once a month and do something fun, and not just the same old dinner and a movie. Be creative. Go to a couples store and buy some new stuff together for intimacy in the bedroom Write a note on everything you appreciate about him. 

With your efforts, perhaps he will begin making his own effort. If he doesn't, you can either then call it quits or ask he attend marital counseling with you. With all of that, at least you can feel good about pulling out all the stops before calling it quits.

Even if you do divorce, give yourself and children a good year to get used to the new family dynamic. The kids needs your full attention instead of your focus being on some new love interest. Kids need time to adapt before you jump into a dating situation, much as you're chomping at the bit with your desires.

[catfeeder]

How many children, and what are their ages?

Have you considered and asked your husband to consider the climate of your co-parenting and what you are both modeling for your kids in what they should expect from a loving adult relationship between parents?

 I get the romance carrot, but how much weight do you believe your fantasies should have on your whole family?

If they’ve already been burdened with a checked-out Dad, how would it impact them to have a Mom who is equally checked out?

This is the issue I’d discuss with husband. And this would be my primary consideration before checking out on my family.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Have a heart to heart with him

Maybe try therapy

Read some relationship books

 

Don't chase the green grass