Lots of green flags and a red flag( to me) Need objective advice M 22 F 19

[Swegin]

 

So I (M22) have been seeing this girl for about a month. We’ve been on 7-8 dates and I really think we have good chemistry. Im debating asking the ‘relationship’ ‘be my gf’ question soon but my previous experience with girls has led me to believe that I require a more objective view on this matter. So, essentially, lots of green flags, very nice family, motivated, etc . The problem lies in the fact that she regularly talks to lots of other guys on social media, specifically snapchat. Even when we are hanging out she is sending pics of herself and chatting up guys , usually she has like 50 unopened snaps. She claims that she is “addicted to snapchat”. Am I overthinking it, is she just immature, or are these just a bunch of meaningless, dry conversations? Im just so sick of being in relationships where I feel like im super committed to a person and them seeming like they have 100 back up plans. I had an emotionally abusive ex a few years ago who used to regularily, flirt, call, and sext with guys online while we were hanging out. As a result of this , I believe I have a very reflexive sort of overprotectiveness/jealously. Would love some input. Why would she need to talk to all of these guys if im special to her. It just makes me feel so insignificant and replaceable. Am I just insecure, is there any women out there that dont do this in the ubiquitous social media culture we live in? 

Tl;dr 

Seems like a great girl but also seems like she isn’t committed to me and is ‘keeping her options open’

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Swegin said:

. She claims that she is “addicted to snapchat”. Am I overthinking it, is she just immature, or are these just a bunch of meaningless, 

Take your time. Even though she seems like a good match her behavior is immature and disrespectful. Ask her to put the phone away on dates or if she's too "addicted" just terminate the date.

[Sindy_0311]

Did you agree to be exclusive? Maybe time to have the talk… 

[Batya33]

Full stop -first it’s rude of her to be on her phone to that extent when she’s with you and second ridiculous for her to send photos to strangers especially male strangers and - really - while you’re with her ?? Ridiculous.  Did you meet her at first via Snapchat? If she’s addicted to Snapchat tell her your conditions are no snapping when she’s on a date with you. Not because of exclusivity. Because it’s rude. 

[Swegin]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Full stop -first it’s rude of her to be on her phone to that extent when she’s with you and second ridiculous for her to send photos to strangers especially male strangers and - really - while you’re with her ?? Ridiculous.  Did you meet her at first via Snapchat? If she’s addicted to Snapchat tell her your conditions are no snapping when she’s on a date with you. Not because of exclusivity. Because it’s rude. 

I really regret not saying anything at the moment. Shes not on her phone a ton when we’re together but moreso what she’s doing on it that bothers me. I didn’t meet her online or through social media

[catfeeder]

Since you know this about her pre-commitment, don’t expect it to change. Speaking only for myself, I know me well and would have a problem with it, and so I would not consider this a good match for me.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Swegin said:

She claims that she is “addicted to snapchat”.

She can claim that she has a condition where she is required to send selfies to other men as much as she wants but the fact remains that she sends her pictures to other men. Its not even a question of loyalty, she maybe doesnt plan on cheating. But would you really like a relationship where she messages 50 men and where probably at least half of them dont have a friendly intentions toward her but probably sexual ones? You may take into consideration that she is young, probably pretty so she has many "orbiters". But the fact still remains that she holds them there. Whether as an option if you dont work out, or just ego boost, it doesnt really matter. That is not somebody where you should have exclusivity. Because it would just lead you into more problems eventually. 

[HeartGoesOn]

That's so tacky, rude and immature.  Since you've only invested a month's time and barely know each other, I would bow out.

At any rate, it's not your job to raise her/teach her common manners, etc. Also, if you feel the need to correct her, it's already gone South, (imo).

[MissCanuck]

If she’s snapping other guys while she’s with you, not only is she rude and immature but she’s also not that into you. She’d be so focused on you that she wouldn’t really care about keeping in touch with other guys in this manner. 

She isn’t ready for a relationship, man. Don’t bother. She’s too absorbed in seeking attention from other boys  and her interest level just isn’t where yours is. Take a hard pass on this one.

[SherrySher]

13 hours ago, Swegin said:

 

So I (M22) have been seeing this girl for about a month. We’ve been on 7-8 dates and I really think we have good chemistry. Im debating asking the ‘relationship’ ‘be my gf’ question soon but my previous experience with girls has led me to believe that I require a more objective view on this matter. So, essentially, lots of green flags, very nice family, motivated, etc . The problem lies in the fact that she regularly talks to lots of other guys on social media, specifically snapchat. Even when we are hanging out she is sending pics of herself and chatting up guys , usually she has like 50 unopened snaps. She claims that she is “addicted to snapchat”. Am I overthinking it, is she just immature, or are these just a bunch of meaningless, dry conversations? Im just so sick of being in relationships where I feel like im super committed to a person and them seeming like they have 100 back up plans. I had an emotionally abusive ex a few years ago who used to regularily, flirt, call, and sext with guys online while we were hanging out. As a result of this , I believe I have a very reflexive sort of overprotectiveness/jealously. Would love some input. Why would she need to talk to all of these guys if im special to her. It just makes me feel so insignificant and replaceable. Am I just insecure, is there any women out there that dont do this in the ubiquitous social media culture we live in? 

Tl;dr 

Seems like a great girl but also seems like she isn’t committed to me and is ‘keeping her options open’

She has already shown you what she enjoys. If you suddenly ask for commitment, it won't change her texting behavior with all of these other guys.

She likes chatting, texting, with these other guys. 

If you mention that you're not comfortable with it, no doubt she will turn it on you and say it's your jealousy, etc.

It's not actually a jealous thing to not want your significant other to not be texting loads of other men. It's what you're comfortable with and what you prefer from a partner.

Nothing wrong with that.

Unfortunately though, you've picked the wrong girl. 

You are incompatible when it comes to what you find acceptable and what you are comfortable with when it comes to the opposite sex.

The best you can do now is wish her well, and realize that it's a pretty big incompatibility that is not fixable.

[SherrySher]

13 hours ago, Swegin said:

Even when we are hanging out she is sending pics of herself and chatting up guys

That right there though, total dealbreaker.

No respectful woman, or man, would do that while hanging out with someone else.

Wish her well, and move on.

[Guest]

Its worth having a full conversation with her. 

I agree that it's a little odd and a red flag. BUT, if you really do see potential otherwise, talk to her. 

Say you really like her and are interested in a committed/ monogamous relationship and ask if she feels the same and is looking for the same. 

I know it's significantly harder when you have a history with an ex treating your poorly, but remember she isn't your ex. And try your best to remain objective and not project your fears onto her. 

It's likely that it is mostly immaturity. 19 is still pretty young. Not inappropriately young considering you're only 22. But I'm sure even at 19 you were much more of a kid than you are now. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Spicydicey449 said:

Its worth having a full conversation with her. 

I agree that it's a little odd and a red flag. BUT, if you really do see potential otherwise, talk to her. 

Say you really like her and are interested in a committed/ monogamous relationship and ask if she feels the same and is looking for the same. 

I know it's significantly harder when you have a history with an ex treating your poorly, but remember she isn't your ex. And try your best to remain objective and not project your fears onto her. 

It's likely that it is mostly immaturity. 19 is still pretty young. Not inappropriately young considering you're only 22. But I'm sure even at 19 you were much more of a kid than you are now. 

I wouldn't have -and didn't behave that way at 19 or younger when I wanted to date someone and get to know them.  My friend's daughter who is 26 was a married mom at 19 and her husband was 21 at the time.  My mom started dating my dad when they were 16 and 19 and no technology then but she would never have flirted with other men in front of him when they were first dating or any other time.  When I was 19 I had a 24 year old boyfriend and only had eyes for him.

[Coily]

It’s worth having the conversation on two fronts. One on her “man-bait” Snapchating. And the other on possibly exclusivity (pending the previous conversation). 
Some people are dense and don’t have the self awareness to know they are exhibiting rude behavior; especially when it’s normal in their social circles. 
If she gives you any pushback on your dislike of this behavior that blames you for being “insecure,” you know her quality and time to walk.

If, however, she is willing to work on it and focus on the relationship over orbiters; then have the exclusive conversation.

Dont expect things to go well, but it’s worth having the conversation. That way you have few doubts about your decisions.

[smackie9]

Dude she's 19, of course she's going to be doing stuff like that on her phone. She's a teenager....she still thinks the world still revolves around her. Sure keep hanging out with her, but I wouldn't even bother trying to take it to the next level or invest your feelings. I bet money on it the only real reason she's with you is because you are older, you have money, and you are willing to take her out. She's just in it for her ego and a free dinner. 

 

[Andrina]

On 8/13/2023 at 11:08 AM, Swegin said:

is there any women out there that dont do this in the ubiquitous social media culture we live in? 

If there is just one in a hundred, keep on going until you find her. Otherwise, you're settling plus setting yourself up in a relationship that's frustrating and upsetting.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately one giant red flag sort of cancels out all the little green flags.  She's too rude and immature to date.