Is my ex wife giving me signals that she may want to reconcile?

[Rogerlamac]

Firstly I apologies if this is in the wrong section of the forum as I thought this might be the best fit?

Me and my ex wife we are both separated about 5 years now and we share two young kids 50/50. We separated because back then I was immature, lied about a lot of different things because I was pretending to be somebody I wasn’t and at the time was not ready to be a father/husband even though I thought I was. We have talked about this a while ago and have accepted the parts we played in the breakup.

She has a partner and they have been dating for 3 years now long distance and I have been dating someone for 4 months. I would say during COVID lockdowns we started becoming more close and for the last 6-8 months we have become I feel a-lot closer, we have been spending a-lot more time with each other (never just us two) going out to dinner with the kids and talking about our lives. I also invite her to any gatherings my family has like birthdays etc.. as she has no family here her family lives overseas, so I make an effort to make sure she still feels like she can approach us if she needs help with anything and for the kids to also see that we are still a family despite me and her being separated.

Now from time to time when I pick up the kids we will normally chat about random things and have a laugh, I have noticed sometimes she will grab my arm or slap my arm in a playful manner when I make her laugh which is something she would have never done previously. She has also started sharing in depth about what’s going on in her current relationship and how they always argue, most recently she mentioned that she is very close to breaking up with him.

She seems to also have started messaging me semi-daily and asks for help like how to respond to an email for work or why her bills are expensive and if I could perhaps help her look into it just to name a few. She also started sending me videos of the kids and what they do when she has them from time to time, recently she sent a picture of herself then deleted the message but I saw it beforehand.

She appears to be giving me signs that she may want to reconnect? I am currently happy in my relationship now but just want to see what others think and if I should bring this up with her.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Rogerlamac said:

She appears to be giving me signs that she may want to reconnect? I am currently happy in my relationship now but just want to see what others think and if I should bring this up with her.

Hmmm.. maybe tread carefully in all of this.

You two ended things for reason's. Now, by sounds of it, the issue's have improved from your end?

I highly suggest you do NOT act out in the wrong manner here. Example, ending things with this one you say you are 'happy with', because your ex 'might' want to reconcile.

Then again, say things don't go over well, as planned with your ex and you want this one back - can cause another mess 😕 .

And then..... YOU have these 'thoughts' in your head about your ex - yet are in a relationship -- of which concerns me!  

So, I ask.. what is it to you?  How 'into' this gal are you?  IMO, If you felt enough for her, you wouldn't be looking at your ex at all.

So yeah, risks for sure....  Might it be best to maybe end this with the gal you're dating and be on your own for a while, not just plan to jump into this again with your ex.  ( same for her... she needs to be done (totally), with her bf).

Then, after a good few months ( maybe at least 6?), plan on doing outings together more or date nights ( no kids), and see how it feels to be involved again, fully.  Sadly, sometimes, when we go back to an ex, it won't feel the same as the first time.  It's just not there, or what you so 'wanted' is not how you thought it might be.

Like I said, think on this and go slowly. Can you make it work? Is possible and is the risk you may be willing to take.

And, should your ex admit she is not exactly into 'trying again', you need to be okay with that....  But, I have a question for you,  what does your gf think of your ex attending family functions?  And do you feel your ex IS respectful enough towards you and the relationship you are in? ( you mentioned how she grabs your arm etc.  But if you are involved, maybe she should not be getting so close 😕 ).

 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Rogerlamac said:

I am currently happy in my relationship now but ...

Before exploring this, I'd get clear about what kind of outcome I would want.

If you're just curious but would still prefer to grow your current relationship, then it makes no sense to waste any future capital by pssing off wife today--just to dabble in an ego kick. (That wouldn't exactly demonstrate the maturity you believe you've gained.)

If you would be seriously interested in reconciling if wife would want that, too, then don't waste time on trying to read tea leaves. Raise it with her to learn where she stands. If you want to duck behind a hypothetical, you can do that.

The point would be to find out directly from her what a bunch of strangers here can't possibly know.

 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Rogerlamac said:

She appears to be giving me signs that she may want to reconnect? I am currently happy in my relationship now but just want to see what others think and if I should bring this up with her.

Perhaps. Her relationship is going to break and you have been in a steady relationship. Some women from some reason love when a man is in a relationship. Makes him feel more desirable because some other woman also found him a desirable partner. Kind of like a "seal of approval". So she might feel that, now after her relationship is falling apart, is a good time to move on you. Would explain some behavior changes and wanting to be on your good side. 

Do you also want that or are you just happy how things are now and in a new relationship?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Rogerlamac said:

Me and my ex wife we are both separated about 5 years. why her bills are expensive and if I could perhaps help her. I am currently happy in my relationship 

Are you legally separated or divorced? Do you have  court ordered child support? 

Because helping pay the bills where your children live is something you can do voluntarily or if you are still legally married, may be obligated to do.

Try to focus on coparenting and your other relationship. Try to get your legal situation sorted out rather than thinking about if cheating on your current GF with your estranged wife is a possibility.

[Andrina]

As taken people, you're both acting inappropriately. You can be assured you're crossing boundaries when you imagine your partner being in the room. Would you have said, and done, and allowed all of these things anyway? If I was your partner and a fly on the wall, witnessing all this, I'd say: No thanks. I'm outta here.

Just because she might be breaking up with her long term partner doesn't make it ethically right to be touchy feely with you and to have sent a photo of herself to you, even if she recalled it. So just know if you got back together with her, that she clearly lacks relationship boundaries, so you've been warned. When you have arguments, she might reach out to her ex, seeking out HIS attention.

You have two ways you can play this:

1. Break up with your girlfriend and ask your ex wife to reconcile. Even if she says no, a breakup with your girlfriend should happen first, because she doesn't deserve having this stuff done behind her back with your divided heart.

2. Decide you want to grow your relationship with your gf, but to be a decent bf, you will have to create better boundaries with your ex. Conversation should be solely about the kids. No more conversing about anything else. No more family dinners. Not appropriate when you're dating someone else. The birthday parties some would say are okay. IMO, those should be separate as well. She can celebrate her own time with the kids without your family. I have a stepdaughter and I wouldn't have enjoyed having my husbands ex around for all of those celebrations. I expected to be around the ex for my stepdaughter's graduation and if she ever had a wedding. I can deal with that, but other than that, it's too much. You have to consider what's conducive to a new partnership, not get all emotional about your ex not having family in the area.

Kids adapt and can have more than one birthday celebration with each of the parents. It might be more confusing to them with all this togetherness and their parents flirting.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[smackie9]

She's just trying to make herself feel better, kinda like an escape from her unhappy situation. Talking about personal details is not a form of intimacy. I wouldn't think anything from it because she's possibly feeling vulnerable, and with you being familiar she feels safe/comfortable. If you try for anything now you might end up as a rebound. Step back and if she brings it up, let her. If not pick a moment to comment when you two are both single again. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Tread lightly