How would you choose to ghost?

[SooSad33]

On 8/5/2023 at 11:06 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It completely depends on the circumstances

I agree with this.

I've left msg's unread for months. eg on FB.  They're people I choose to not associate with for one reason or another.

Yeah, I had an ex msg me there and I read it but never responded.  I had my say and was NOT willing to continue to do so anymore ( so that one was read).

So, either way, they'll get the point.

[catfeeder]

If I feel creeped out by someone's message, I ghost. I just don't respond--ever again. I have zero qualms about it. I have no obligation to explain myself or educate another or say one thing that might be taken as something to turn even creepier about.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Kawhi said:

. The recipient is either saying "I don't even care to see what you have to say" vs "I can see what you have to say but I'm not going to reply".

It depends on if you know this person well and text regularly,etc. If not, it's projection to assume these nefarious meanings to it. Especially if the text was not a question or otherwise reply-worthy message. 

[waffle]

I think I'd be fine with ghosting.  I'd prefer it to nonsense phrases like "not feeling a spark" or "wishing you the best" 🙄

Don't waste your time with condescending messages.  Don't want to talk to me?  It's cool.  Bye.  Just go.

[MrMan1983]

On 8/6/2023 at 4:50 AM, lostandhurt said:

I vote none of the above too.

Stick a pin in it and take a few seconds to say nice meeting you but I didn't feel any sparks like I was hoping to.  Good luck on your search.

That simple.  No awkward scenes if you run into them again, just a simple few words.

Lost

In my opinion this is the best approach though, least you can stick a pin in it and everyone knows the score assuming you're dealing with someone that has treated you with respect.

Agree with others that it does depend on the circumstances, some of the examples above eg. Batya's or people describing dealing with disrespectful people I would not even class as ghosting (by my own perceived definition).

If the other person keeps persisting after and disrespecting your boundaries then yeh, ghost/block away but I think it's human to just say thanks but no thanks if someone else feels more after a date or two, has been completely respectful and yet it's not mutual for you.

The 'slow fade' someone above mentioned is probably worse for the other person than a ghosting though, it just prolongs it and keeps the other person potentially wondering what's happening instead of just a simple text letting them know.

[MrMan1983]

3 hours ago, waffle said:

I think I'd be fine with ghosting.  I'd prefer it to nonsense phrases like "not feeling a spark" or "wishing you the best" 🙄

Don't waste your time with condescending messages.  Don't want to talk to me?  It's cool.  Bye.  Just go.

I don't find those messages condescending personally, and prefer them to just getting ignored after hoping for a reply. Personal preference I guess.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

I don't find those messages condescending personally, and prefer them to just getting ignored after hoping for a reply. Personal preference I guess.

Yes for sure. In the days of landlines - where you had to actually call and reach the person -because yes I dated even before voicemail/answering machines- it was perfectly fine not to call the person at all -silence=lack of distinterest.

There was one guy I went out with twice with months in between if I am remembering. He was either divorced or widowed (we were in our 30s) - we had a fabulous date/dates.  No intimacy.  But great time and I believe he said he'd call me?? Well I was on the phone with a potential first meet a week later maybe and I see his number on caller ID -I switch over briefly, tell him I'm on the other line and he says basically he was calling to tell me why he didn't call me/ask me out again so I should call back if I want to know the reason.

LOL.  No of course I didn't call back -who cares? There was another guy who also said he'd call me and I think maybe I saw that he'd tweaked his profile after our date.  He messaged me with some comment like he just wasn't sure why he didn't call me/it was good to meet you etc -I mean again - please don't waste my time - either step up to the plate or bye - I absolutely would have preferred no call in both those instances.

[Coily]

I prefer to rattle chains and walk through walls at unexpected hours of the night. Occasionally rapping on windows and only showing my reflection in mirrors.

[Jibralta]

On 8/7/2023 at 4:32 AM, MrMan1983 said:

The 'slow fade' someone above mentioned is probably worse for the other person than a ghosting though, it just prolongs it and keeps the other person potentially wondering what's happening instead of just a simple text letting them know.

That's interesting. I wouldn't have thought so. 

[MrMan1983]

39 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That's interesting. I wouldn't have thought so. 

In my personal experiences it’s best to rip the band aid off and be honest if you’re dealing with someone that’s treated you with respect that has contacted you still interested after, it’s the mature and adult thing to do. I’ve always put it in the rear view mirror very quick when someone’s just been honest (after I have suggested another date/shown interest) and no it’s not ‘condescending’. Most people defending ghosting are using outside examples that warrant it (eg. someone that’s deserved it due to bad behaviour) but your general alright date where they were nice but you didn’t feel a spark and they’ve said for example “Hey had a lovely evening, fancy doing it again?” best to just say it if you’re not feeling it, they will usually appreciate it. If nobody has contacted each other after I wouldn’t class that as ghosting though. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

your general alright date where they were nice but you didn’t feel a spark and they’ve said for example “Hey had a lovely evening, fancy doing it again?” best to just say it if you’re not feeling it, they will usually appreciate it.

Kawhi didn't specify the situation, though. I didn't assume that he or she was specifically referring to dating (although that may be the case).

In the situation you describe above, I agree it's better to be direct and up front. 

But in my opinion, there are absolutely times in a relationship (romantic or friendship) where certain people won't take no for an answer. In these cases, it is a mature and adult and intelligent decision. 

For example, I found myself in a situation where a guy got more and more controlling and irrational over the course of the two months that we dated. There was no working this out through conversation. Ghosting would have provoked him too much. Slow fading was the only way because it kept his ego stroked until he finally took it upon himself to lose interest.

Another example, I had a friend with a terrible drinking problem. It got to a point where I actually had to drag her up off of the bar floor at the end of the night. Her family had an intervention for her, but she remained staunchly in denial about the severity of her problem. So, I backed off gently. 

A third example is the generally irritating person who isn't necessarily doing anything wrong, but is extremely annoying for one reason or another. These people don't deserve to be told to eff off; they are decent, well-meaning people. But I take my space from them as I need to (slow fade).

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Kawhi didn't specify the situation, though. I didn't assume that he or she was specifically referring to dating (although that may be the case).

Oops... just noticed this was posted on the "Dating Advice" board 😅😂😁

But I definitely think that it is warranted in some dating situations, like the one I described above, and in situations where the person isn't necessarily threatening, but won't take "no" for an answer.

[MrMan1983]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Oops... just noticed this was posted on the "Dating Advice" board 😅😂😁

But I definitely think that it is warranted in some dating situations, like the one I described above, and in situations where the person isn't necessarily threatening, but won't take "no" for an answer.

Agreed does completely depend on the situation, examples you gave yes definitely fair enough to handle it in the way you have mentioned. I’ve seen some people on here advocate it being OK to just not reply to people after a date or two though (regardless of if they have been respectful/nice or not) so that’s the version I don’t agree with being a good way of handling it. 

[MrMan1983]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

and in situations where the person isn't necessarily threatening, but won't take "no" for an answer

Oh for sure, if you’ve already made it clear you’re not interested but they carry on they are then overstepping your boundaries so completely fair enough. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/6/2023 at 9:45 PM, waffle said:

I think I'd be fine with ghosting.  I'd prefer it to nonsense phrases like "not feeling a spark" or "wishing you the best" 🙄

Don't waste your time with condescending messages.  Don't want to talk to me?  It's cool.  Bye.  Just go.

I agree with you @waffle.  

I mean if after one or two dates, one person continues texting (pestering) something may need to be said.

But often times in my experience, it's obvious there wasn't a "spark" (for both as a 'spark' tends to be mutual - it's a chemistry between both of you).

Nothing needs to be said. 

I actually did have a friend who texted "not feeling a spark" after first date and guy responded "LOL, what makes you think I did?  I didn't, good luck with your search."

Just leave it be, again nothing needs to be said imo.

It can be presumptuous in some cases. 

 

[MrMan1983]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with you @waffle.  

I mean if after one or two dates, one person continues texting (pestering) something may need to be said.

But often times in my experience, it's obvious there wasn't a "spark" (for both as a 'spark' tends to be mutual - it's a chemistry between both of you).

Nothing needs to be said. 

I actually did have a friend who texted "not feeling a spark" after first date and guy responded "LOL, what makes you think I did?  I didn't, good luck with your search."

Just leave it be, again nothing needs to be said imo.

It can be presumptuous in some cases. 

 

I’ve had experiences where it hasn’t always been obvious and if one person did think they felt a spark/chemistry (and the other person didn’t), then the interested one asks the other person out again, surely it’s rude to just ignore that person instead of simply saying sorry didn’t feel the same and all the best etc.

I’m not talking about a clear mutual lack of spark where neither of you message each other after which happens too, you would both just leave it with no messages in that case.

I’ve had it the other way round where they wanted to see me again (yet I wasn’t feeling it) and I wouldn’t dream of just straight up ignoring their message and would always say it was nice meeting but wasn’t feeling the same and they’ve been fine with that and been thankful for the honesty (albeit a bit disappointed). 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/1/2023 at 5:54 AM, Kawhi said:

I have her on whatsapp, that is what we used to communicate when we were in Japan.

Whatsapp is great for international communication, however try not to over interpret the read status too much.  If she's not responding all you can do is leave the door open if she does.

Keep in mind some cultures are much less confrontational than others and being too direct (even if honest) may be considered rude.