Torn up about the future

[Callia]

Here's the story. I am living somewhere where I am very unhappy. It's a small town and I haven't made any friends in 8 years other than someone who moved away just recently. I don't have access to all of the things I enjoy doing, or even to things I need. Plus, people here are cliquish and reserved. It's depressing me a lot!!! I am bored out of my mind 99.9% of the time living here.

I have the opportunity to move somewhere else where I have heard people are VERY friendly, the weather is even better than where I live currently, and there are TONS of things to do.

The problem is that the man that I love is here. 

Nothing has happened between us yet (although he flirts tons). I think nothing has happened because I'm too shy to make it happen but I think he opened the door for it. 

The truth is that I LOVE this man. I cannot explain it, but I just feel a love for him and I care for him so much. I really only see him every 6 months or so but I almost feel like I would stay in this miserable situation just for that, even if our relationship doesn't progress.

I know it's crazy, but I believe he loves me too even though he hasn't said such a thing (he has told me he likes me, asked me for a cuddle, told me I am beautiful several times, etc.) It's just a feeling he gives me. He *could* be manipulating me to feel this way, but I am an intuitive person and I don't believe that he is. He has also opened up to me in a way that was unexpected. Very few men show their vulnerability and it's very powerful when they trust a woman to open up to.

What should I do??? I feel like I'm throwing away my happiness if I stay, but also, if I go. I cannot even fathom the thought of not seeing him again, even if we never cross the line. (He is married.) I think I would die.

Can you please offer some kind and gentle advice? 🙂 I will respond to this thread. I was very discouraged last time I posted so I didn't answer everyone who wrote to me. Thank you for understanding. 

[Capricorn3]

5 minutes ago, Callia said:

I am living somewhere where I am very unhappy. It's a small town and I haven't made any friends in 8 years. I don't have access to all of the things I enjoy doing, or even to things I need. Plus, people here are cliquish and reserved. It's depressing me a lot!!! I am bored out of my mind 99.9% of the time living here.

I have the opportunity to move somewhere else where I have heard people are VERY friendly, the weather is even better than where I live currently, and there are TONS of things to do.

The problem is that the man that I love is here. 

(He is married.)

^ The man is MARRIED.  That means you have absolutely no business there , at all.  In fact, the very fact that he IS MARRIED, is the perfect reason why you should move somewhere else.  Especially a place where you say you'll be a lot happier.

Getting involved with a married man will almost always end in hurt and heartache for you.  How would you like it if your husband was messing around with another woman behind your back?  Have a little self-respect, and respect other peoples' relationships.  Find someone single.

[MissCanuck]

36 minutes ago, Callia said:

He is married.

Oh, honey. No. 

Please don't sacrifice your happiness for some man that can't be with you. You are unfortunately only deluding yourself if you believe there is any sort of chance with him. This isn't what love looks like. He's playing with you. 

Go and find your happiness elsewhere. This man needs to be left behind and you need to start really living life and experiencing true dating. This doesn't even come close to it and you have an unhealthy attachment to a fantasy. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Callia said:

 I feel like I'm throwing away my happiness if I stay, but also, if I go

Unfortunately you seem quite depressed. Do you drink with him?. Why not move forward and start fresh somewhere else? 

Is this the same man?:

 

[Kwothe28]

59 minutes ago, Callia said:

What should I do???

You are delusional and think you are in love with some married man you see once in 6 months. I would say not only change of environment would be good for you but therapy as well.

[boltnrun]

You're unhappy so you're clinging to a fantasy that will never (and should never) come true.

Yes, move away. Once you start enjoying life you won't need an inappropriate fantasy anymore. 

[Lambert]

Move. give notice and leave. now.

[LotusBlack]

If someone is married and genuinely believes they are in the wrong relationship, they take steps to remove themselves from that situation, regardless of any outside people or influences. At least, an emotionally healthy and mentally mature individual does. They do not look to cross relationship boundaries whilst committed to another.

The man you believe you love (and who loves you) does not have integrity, as is evident by his very inappropriate comments towards you. He does not have loyalty to his wife or the commitment he made to her and their marriage. This lack of propriety is a very real reflection of his character and will not change no matter who he is in a relationship with - including you if that were to ever happen. He is a Mr. Wickham. Do not give your precious feelings to someone who will not value them, and I can say with certainty that he does not value you or your feelings because a man with integrity who believes you are someone with integrity too, would never put you in the position he has put you in by being suggestive and confident you will take the bait. I’d be offended if a man thought so little of me that I make an easy target and am someone who lacks morals and boundaries, such that I would be receptive to an illicit affair, because that is what any connection between you two would be - an affair; he is not leaving his wife because he has shown no indication of taking the necessary steps to do so.

Move away, find your happiness - which may or may not need the help of a licensed therapist for guidance, and make good choices. This man is not a good choice.

[shouldhavelearned]

Move away and attempt to find happiness.

Work on yourself 

[catfeeder]

The reason you’re focused like a laser beam on a rare crumb of attention from someone you can’t even have is because you’re miserable.

Reasonably happy people don’t feel any need to live in their own head with fantasies for cold comfort. They want to be present in their real lives.

If you have the opportunity to learn how well you can make that happen for yourself, you really have nothing to lose. 

For a mental safety net, tell yourself if it doesn’t work out in a year or two you can move back. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Callia said:

I have the opportunity to move somewhere else 

Take the opportunity. It solves the problem of boredom and unhappiness where you are and it gets rid of this guy once and for all.

[Cherylyn]

If this man isn't the type to secure a realistic future with you,  then it doesn't sound like all the love in the world would give you a good life for the long haul.  If I were you,  I'd venture out of your small town since you feel cloistered. 

Be practical regarding where you decide to reside and a relationship otherwise you're just wasting your time, energy and resources.  Think everything through thoroughly.

[Callia]

Okay you guys. Thank you for your feedback. I have decided that I will move if there is any opportunity to do so!!!!!! The only question is whether my dog is fit to fly (as this is not a move that I can complete by driving).

Although this is a question mark (because I will have to get the vet's approval) I am feeling very excited and optimistic for the future because I have been SO unhappy with where I am living--which as some of you surmised likely contributed to my interest in this man's attentions.

Now, I will still miss this man terribly if I do move, and if I am unable to go I will have to figure out what the heck to do with my life in the meantime...!

OMG! It's a bit of a mess and everything is up in the air right now. There is still a lot of stuff that has to be worked out before this can happen. Moving is no fun but still, I think I can be so much happier somewhere else. I'm glad to have finally realized that living here is not working.

Also, I will have to decide whether to tell him my plans or not.

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Callia said:

I will have to decide whether to tell him my plans or not.

No, you should not. 

He is not your partner, and you barely ever see him anyway. There is no reason to share your life plans with him. You have got to let go of the idea that he plays any significant role in your life, and start moving on. Not discussing your plans with him would be a great step in that direction. 

And in the future, stay away from all married men. Don't let yourself get wrapped up in a dead-end fantasy like this again. 

[poorlittlefish]

1 hour ago, Callia said:

Also, I will have to decide whether to tell him my plans or not.

You hope that if you tell him, he'll suddenly leave his wife and declare undying love for you.  That is 100% not going to happen.  This man you 'love' is just an infatuation and he is in your mind but not your day-to-day reality.  The sooner you can put some serious distance between you and him, the better you will be.

[Callia]

Can I ask you guys this? Why would this guy give me so many mixed signals?

For example, he complimented my looks many times, telling me I am beautiful, that I always look nice.

He would sit touching his knees to my knees, touching his feet to mine (could he be clueless)?

But then he also gave me a hug once where he patted my back (attn: friend zone). And one where he rubbed my back quickly (same). It screams "just friends."

But another time he stared at my lips.

He would confide in me ("I've been having some personal problems)...this sort of thing builds rapport and closeness.

He asked who I am living with (at the time it was my boyfriend so maybe he didn't like the answer? And why would he ask...or even care?)

But he also put boundaries in place ("I'm not available on social media").

But he asked for my advice planning something that was for out of the office (I was confused so I didn't really respond).

But he would also flirt and hint and check me out. One time I was even leaving and he got me to stay longer so he could extend the conversation.

One time he looked at my chest...but do all guys do that?

He would mention his wife, then get all touchy-touchy with me, give me a hug, etc.

What is his deal? Is he messing with me just to amuse himself? Would his wife mind that he told me I am beautiful and the other things he said and did (such as giving me hugs)? Is he just having fun at my expense or do you think he is actually interested in messing around?

I don't know if he knows what is doing and can sense how I feel, and is thus toying with me for his own amusement with NO intentions, or if he cannot help himself because he likes me in some way. What would YOU think his intentions are, or how would you interpret someone acting this way with such mixed signals towards you?

PLEASE I need your serious thoughts about what he is thinking because I simply do not know and it is messing with my mind. Please and thank you.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Callia said:

Is he just having fun at my expense or do you think he is actually interested in messing around?

Unfortunately you work together and if you feel it's sexual harassment just step back. However it seems you have a crush on him and enjoy the attention. 

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, Callia said:

Is he messing with me just to amuse himself?

It seems so, yes. 

He likes knowing you have a huge crush on him. (It will be obvious to him, believe me) He enjoys the ego-boost. That's all. 

You need to really distance yourself from this guy. It should not be consuming you to this degree. How's your love life looking these days? 

[shouldhavelearned]

Why would he do that ?

Well...he's a guy

What does he really want ...