First "date" confusion

[MissCanuck]

Have you discussed his potential visit? 

[kim42]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

See? All it took was a bit of polite staying in touch. What did you two talk about? If he doesn't bring up visiting on his own try not to press the issue. Maybe since he's unemployed he can't afford it at this time. If he wants to and can afford to, he'll bring it up. In the meantime it's fine to stay in light touch and not overinvest or underinvest. 

So he said he's been doing well but is still unemployed, this company rejected him so he's upset about it. I replied to his questions (he asked me about things im my life) and I also asked him something but he didn't reply yet.

He read my messages this morning and left me on read.

It's the first time I asked him something and he left me on read, so to be honest I'm a little disappointed.

I didn't ask about his plans to visit, he clearly is not as excited to talk to me as he was after I left his city a month ago. So I think I'll just move on, it seems he doesn't want to stay in light touch.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

So he said he's been doing well but is still unemployed, this company rejected him so he's upset about it. I replied to his questions (he asked me about things im my life) and I also asked him something but he didn't reply yet.

He read my messages this morning and left me on read.

It's the first time I asked him something and he left me on read, so to be honest I'm a little disappointed.

I didn't ask about his plans to visit, he clearly is not as excited to talk to me as he was after I left his city a month ago. So I think I'll just move on, it seems he doesn't want to stay in light touch.

I leave people on read and sometimes by accident -I really think you're getting too caught up in this (my husband also will insist he sent me an email and realizes it's in his draft folder)

[kim42]

41 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you discussed his potential visit? 

No we didn't. I asked him something about his job hunting and he didn't reply.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 I also asked him something but he didn't reply yet.

 didn't ask about his plans to visit.

That's ok. Unfortunately your GFs have convinced you that dating is texting all day every day. It's sad. This man is not much more than an acquaintance.

If he is not bringing up visiting, it's clear he isn't ready willing or able to. It saves you the embarrassment of saying "so are you coming to see me or what?" Which of course is not warranted because no specific plans were ever made.

It seems like you are trying to emulate your GFs and get in extended text conversations. 

He seems to have marginal interest at best. Try not to take it personally. The distance and other factors are good reasons to not overinvest.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He read my messages this morning and left me on read.

Do you require instant replies to feel secure? 

That's a sincere question, by the way. You don't seem to leave any wiggle-room for a person being busy or otherwise not replying immediately. 

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you require instant replies to feel secure? 

That's a sincere question, by the way. You don't seem to leave any wiggle-room for a person being busy or otherwise not replying immediately. 

It doesn't have to be an instant reply, but it's true it makes me a little anxious when a man I'm interested in takes too long to reply.

I get that people are busy and have things to do, but he's unemployed and as I said, I think it's the first time I asked him a question and he left me on read.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, kim42 said:

It doesn't have to be an instant reply, but it's true it makes me a little anxious when a man I'm interested in takes too long to reply.

I get that people are busy and have things to do, but he's unemployed and as I said, I think it's the first time I asked him a question and he left me on read.

Yes but you're interested in someone in a situation where you are not dating or even potentially dating at this point so it's unfair to expect him to behave as if the interest in dating is reciprocal at this point -you are a friend/friendly acquaintance/long distance penpal at this point while he has a life where he is and an intense job hunt.

Yes if he'd asked you out or planned his visit specifically, you texted him with an inquiry about the specific plans like "there's this outdoor concert on ___ and I'd actually have to reserve lawn seats -should I do so?" and he rudely doesn't respond until after you can reserve -well sure that's not right and that's not consistent with interest in dating.

[MissCanuck]

33 minutes ago, kim42 said:

it makes me a little anxious when a man I'm interested in takes too long to reply.

What is "too long" for you? 

33 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I get that people are busy and have things to do, but he's unemployed

So? That doesn't mean he hasn't got other things going on. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, kim42 said:

. I asked him something about his job hunting and he didn't reply.

Maybe he doesn't want to talk about being unemployed or the frustration of job hunting. It's not a pleasant topic. 

[boltnrun]

Does he know your criteria for how soon you expect him to reply to your texts?

See how silly that sounds? 

You have gone immediately back to setting up these rules (without him knowing) and then getting disappointed when he doesn't follow them. Right after you said you would stop doing that.

Why do you self sabotage?

[kim42]

23 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is "too long" for you? 

So? That doesn't mean he's got other things going on. 

Probably several hours is too long for me.

That's true he might be busy for other reasons.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Probably several hours is too long for me.

And how long has it been since you sent your message?

I'm just trying to get a sense of how long it takes before you start freaking out. 

[kim42]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And how long has it been since you sent your message?

I'm just trying to get a sense of how long it takes before you start freaking out. 

I sent it late last night, and he only read this morning. I think it's been maybe 4 hours since he left me on read.

 

[kim42]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe he doesn't want to talk about being unemployed or the frustration of job hunting. It's not a pleasant topic. 

Maybe, I honestly didn't think about this. 

[kim42]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Does he know your criteria for how soon you expect him to reply to your texts?

See how silly that sounds? 

You have gone immediately back to setting up these rules (without him knowing) and then getting disappointed when he doesn't follow them. Right after you said you would stop doing that.

Why do you self sabotage?

I realize it sounds silly.  

He would reply to my messages very quickly before, and he didn't leave me on read for this long, so I just notice the difference.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Maybe, I honestly didn't think about this. 

He probably got tired of answering those questions. It's ok for him not to answer them. 

Overall I agree he's just not that interested. It's good you reached out with a sort of feeler text because it kind of confirms that he's not interested in general or in a long distance textationship in particular.  

Please try to differentiate between peer pressure and true anxiety disorders. Your GFs and their all day every day texting habits seems to be over influencing you.

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He probably got tired of answering those questions. It's ok for him not to answer them. 

Overall I agree he's just not that interested. It's good you reached out with a sort of feeler text because it kind of confirms that he's not interested in general or in a long distance textationship in particular.  

Please try to differentiate between peer pressure and true anxiety disorders. Your GFs and their all day every day texting habits seems to be over influencing you.

Yes, it probably doesn't make sense to be text buddies.

[boltnrun]

56 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I realize it sounds silly.  

He would reply to my messages very quickly before, and he didn't leave me on read for this long, so I just notice the difference.

But does HE know your rules? That if he doesn't respond within a certain time frame that means he isn't interested in continuing to communicate with you? 

I don't know if you've ever had the misfortune of being unemployed but it is very stressful. It's hard to focus on making sure someone doesn't get hurt over taking a few hours to respond to a text.

His being unemployed and searching for a job isn't about you, BTW. And how do you know he didn't have a phone interview or something this morning anyway? Do you know for a fact he's just sitting around doing nothing?

Honestly if someone put that kind of onus on me while I was trying to find a job I'd wonder if I wanted to continue staying in contact with that person. 

Yeah, I'm being a bit hard on you. I too have anxiety (diagnosed by a medical doctor, severe enough that I went out on medical disability from my job) but it's on me to manage it. I can't place arbitrary rules on other people (without telling them!) and expect them to manage my anxiety. I feel you're being a bit unfair. 

Can you just step aside from trying to get him interested and find other ways to meet people?

[Sindy_0311]

Hi Kim! You called this thread first "date" confusion but according to what Batya and others said previously, it maybe wasn’t a date. Meaning you are acquaintances or at least he views you like that. 

I think a guy romantically interested in someone wouldn’t go silent for 10 days, and would stick to plans or bring them up even if they are still vague, and definitely wouldn’t leave you on read an entire morning. Imagine if he actually had a job interview this morning he could have responded to your question with something like: “I’m actually having an interview this morning, speak later…”  he didn’t. 

On the other hand, friends, acquaintances, or uninterested guys would go silent for 10 days and be late in replies. Have you ever noticed how you don’t care when a guy you aren’t really into stops texting you? Or makes hour to respond…. And how you would do the same… 

If I were you, I would reply politely if he does, and wish him well.

I think he wasn’t waiting for you to reach out during these ten days, because he doesn’t seem eager to engage with you now that you did. I guess you had the answer you were looking for at this point, It wasn't really a date... Do you agree? 

[kim42]

He's replied in the meantime, with more questions.

I know you all probably think I'm crazy by now. I know I need to work on my anxiety issues.

@boltnrunNo, I've never been unemployed, I'm fairly successful in my professional life but my personal life is clearly a mess.

I think I'll stop posting in this thread so I can focus on something more useful in my life.

Thank you everyone for your advice and patience, especially @NighttimeNightmare.

have a nice weekend 🦥

[Batya33]

I have a close friend who routines calls me at times she knows are never good for me. If I can I reply immediately “can’t talk now will try later”. She often ignores that and will call again a few hours later and or text me then or later. While my phone is on silent. I made a thread about this.
She’s very needy to talk to me, ignores that texting or calling during our typical mealtimes and or my meal prep times or later evening are not going to work for me.

I always call back asap depending on why she called if I I know. I feel like you’re coming across just as self absorbed and getting all up in your own head about how long you’re on read when the poor guy is unemployed and an in an intense job search. 

[boltnrun]

I don't think you're crazy, but it does seem you don't have even a mild handle on your anxiety. And it's causing you a LOT of distress.

I strongly encourage you to speak to your medical provider about increasing your treatment, maybe even consider medication. Yes, I know, everyone hates medication. But I come back with two points. Number one, if you were diabetic would you be ashamed of or be strongly opposed to taking insulin? And number two, medication doesn't have to be permanent. I was on meds for a year and successfully stopped with guidance from my doctor. 

I hope you choose to get more intensive treatment because I know for a fact this up and down wild mood swing thing is no fun. 

[LotusBlack]

OP, I think you correctly identified that long distance relationships are too difficult for you, as they trigger your anxiety. I don’t think anyone on this thread realised quite how severe your anxiety is at the beginning of this thread. I think it is very good that you are self-aware enough to recognise your limits and I think that even if this man is interested in you, you are evidently not ready to handle long-distance. As such, I think it would be beneficial for you to definitively decide in your own self not to pursue anything romantic with him and focus on treating your debilitating anxiety. There is no reason the ball can’t be in your court and you’re able to decide for yourself irregardless of what this guy may or may not feel.

i hope you find some peace.

[NighttimeNightmare]

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

He read my messages this morning and left me on read.

It's the first time I asked him something and he left me on read, so to be honest I'm a little disappointed.

Omg. Don’t start 

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

he clearly is not as excited to talk to me as he was after I left his city a month ago. So I think I'll just move on, it seems he doesn't want to stay in light touch.

Jesus, Kim.  
 

the reality is is that there is no one in existence who can soothe whatever this is in you. No one.  Because at some point even the most engaging of partner is going to not be able to answer you right away.  
 

how the hell are you concluding these finite statements about other people’s actions? 
 

you’re right back in the spiral again. If you don’t want to talk to this guy, then don’t.  Clearly human interaction is anxiety-inducing for you… but don’t fool yourself into thinking you won’t be like this with the next guy 

 

don’t you see your patterns?