First "date" confusion

[kim42]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What's new about it? That you chose to meet a friend for lunch, then had some interest in seeing the friend again and potentially saw him in a romantic light? Or new in that as someone else wrote you're telling yoursef this is a dating situation and then reacting with expectations that end up frustrating you (referring I think to Jaunty's post - I like how he put it).  I can relate to new situations - I'd never done long distance with an ex fiancee where we both said at the outset almost 8 years later that we wanted to see if marriage and baby making was in our future.  Ridiculous and bizarre in a sense - all new to me and him!

But what helped me was we were embarking on the ridiculousness being on exactly the same page - we had our 2-3 minute convo around 18 years ago this month about what we wanted/expected/what sacrifices we'd have to make - so even though it was new to me in certain ways that differed from what was new to him - I also knew we were a team and with a really fun and romantic goal.  That's why I was willing to venture wayyyyy outside my comfort zone.  

I would reread Jaunty's post -this doesn't need to feel or be new -if you get clear -with yourself on what this is -and what it is not.  Good luck!

(It reminds me of when my son was 6 or 7 -he met a boy around his age at the playground -they played with his hot wheels cars maybe for a couple of minutes and I heard my son say earnestly "ok so we're friends now, RIGHT?"  I mean - lol - maybe in his head  and the other boy was like -um yeah sure! - but it's one of those "ok we had lunch and we both generally are looking for something serious and he said he may visit later this month so ......we're dating now -RIGHT??"

I know we're not dating.

[kim42]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Was he working when you last saw him?

I don't know if this was ever true for you when you were in between jobs, but unemployment was always a romantic dead-zone for me. 

He left his job the same week when we met for lunch. It was a new job and he didn't like it, so he left after one month.

I know he'a been actively looking for a new job, and because we met in a work setting, I know he's ambitious so this is not a dealbreaker for me. He's been also very open to me about his situation.

[MissCanuck]

I think that if he hasn't made a more concrete plan by now to visit (ie. choosing travel dates/checking that you are available), then it's likely not going to happen. 

[kim42]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think that if he hasn't made a more concrete plan by now to visit (ie. choosing travel dates/checking that you are available), then it's likely not going to happen. 

Yes that's what I think as well. I mean the visit needs to be planned a little in advance, and I need to make time on my end too. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Yes that's what I think as well. I mean the visit needs to be planned a little in advance, and I need to make time on my end too. 

Yes, I agree. 

I would assume anyone planning a visit - even if it's not too far away - needs to at the very least check with the other person that the dates would be convenient and so on. Unless he mentions something this week about it, I would assume it's not happening. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

I know we're not dating.

Yes -and you can know that and yet have expectations that are more in line with what Jaunty wrote.  Perhaps this is reminding you of other situations where you were disappointed/frustrated/annoyed and you kind of lump them all together.

I'd assume as Catfeeder suggested that he has to focus on finding a job -and perhaps that might require some sort of relocation too.  

I don't see why in most cases temporary unemployment would be any sort of dealbreaker.  With rare exception -I mean if the person was fired for illegal activity or intends to remain unemployed and travel the world for a year etc.

[kim42]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -and you can know that and yet have expectations that are more in line with what Jaunty wrote.  Perhaps this is reminding you of other situations where you were disappointed/frustrated/annoyed and you kind of lump them all together.

I'd assume as Catfeeder suggested that he has to focus on finding a job -and perhaps that might require some sort of relocation too.  

I don't see why in most cases temporary unemployment would be any sort of dealbreaker.  With rare exception -I mean if the person was fired for illegal activity or intends to remain unemployed and travel the world for a year etc.

Maybe I'm wrong here, based on some comments here, but even if we are NOT dating, when he talked about visiting me, I assumed he wanted to do it.

I do realize he could have changed hus mind. I'll get over it, it's just a minor disappointment.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Maybe I'm wrong here, based on some comments here, but even if we are NOT dating, when he talked about visiting me, I assumed he wanted to do it.

I do realize he could have changed hus mind. I'll get over it, it's just a minor disappointment.

Yes I relate to minor disappointments with people I know -my bad as to me it came across that you were ready to do the dealbreaker reaction so it didn't seem to be minor. Thanks for clarifying!  I listen with half an ear to many tentative plans with people I don't know well -I have one friend who does this routinely and it's annoying since I traveled far at great inconvenience this past winter to show up for her family event -it was important to her that I be there so I did it -not expecting anything at all in return just tired of her routine messages "oh when ____ is over/at this time___ I'm going to drive to you so we can get together again" - like - fine then - make an actual plan -I typically respond "ok, sounds good!"  And no follow up.  

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think that if he hasn't made a more concrete plan by now to visit (ie. choosing travel dates/checking that you are available), then it's likely not going to happen. 

I would agree if he were not job seeking. Now it makes sense to me that he targeted a month later and then went silent.

 I always put off dating during my times of unemployment. Not because of expense, but because of focus. I was not motivated to date during such a time of upheaval.

He likely targeted August believing he would be employed by then. The fact that he’s not there yet may be really scary for him.

Take this outside the context of dating, and consider him a future prospect who is just not where he needs to be right now.

[kim42]

44 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I would agree if he were not job seeking. Now it makes sense to me that he targeted a month later and then went silent.

 I always put off dating during my times of unemployment. Not because of expense, but because of focus. I was not motivated to date during such a time of upheaval.

He likely targeted August believing he would be employed by then. The fact that he’s not there yet may be really scary for him.

Take this outside the context of dating, and consider him a future prospect who is just not where he needs to be right now.

It's true that the train tickets are not that cheap, and my city is pretty expensive. Maybe he doesn't want to visit as unemployed.

I don't want to ask him so I'll just leave it as is.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I would agree if he were not job seeking. Now it makes sense to me that he targeted a month later and then went silent.

I don't disagee with this. In fact, I said earlier his job hunt may interfere with his plans to come visit. 

That doesn't change the fact that he's said nothing to OP again about visiting, regardless of what the reason for a delay might be. If he remains silent, she knows not to expect him this month. 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't disagee with this. In fact, I said earlier his job hunt may interfere with his plans to come visit. 

That doesn't change the fact that he's said nothing to OP again about visiting, regardless of what the reason for a delay might be. If he remains silent, she knows not to expect him this month. 

I wish he communicated a little better - even if he doesn't want to visit anymore for whatever reason, it would be nice if he told me.

And I know we're not dating and he doesn't have to tell me.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I wish he communicated a little better - even if he doesn't want to visit anymore for whatever reason, it would be nice if he told me.

I wouldn't expect that.  It's too final, and things may change later.  

It's best to keep it open ended, live your life and be open to seeing each other again sometime in the future assuming you're still interested and available at that time. 

 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I wish he communicated a little better - even if he doesn't want to visit anymore for whatever reason, it would be nice if he told me.

And I know we're not dating and he doesn't have to tell me.

To me there’s no need for communication skills just plain old basic manners to send a one sentence text “hey looks like august is not going to work out after all I’m sorry “. Doesn’t matter if you’re dating or not. I like my word to count so if I say I’ll try to see you in august and I know I can’t or it’s unlikely I follow up. Nothing skilled about it and much lower level than any sort of meaningful communication. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

To me there’s no need for communication skills just plain old basic manners to send a one sentence text “hey looks like august is not going to work out after all I’m sorry “.

I agree. 

I would do this for anyone I was thinking of visiting - friends, family, love interest. It's common courtesy. 

[kim42]

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I agree. 

I would do this for anyone I was thinking of visiting - friends, family, love interest. It's common courtesy. 

Yes, it would be nice to have some sort of follow up. We talked about 'around late August' so there is still some time but I'll just live my life and see what happens.

[kim42]

19 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I wouldn't expect that.  It's too final, and things may change later.  

It's best to keep it open ended, live your life and be open to seeing each other again sometime in the future assuming you're still interested and available at that time. 

 

I like this, and I'll think about it if my anxiety gets worse again.

[kim42]

Please don't be too harsh, I just need to vent. I continue to live my life but I'm a little disappointed I think.

So we haven't talked for 10 days now. He's never been a huge texter but we would usually text maybe once a week.

I think I'm a little sad that it has faded out like this, the lunch/date that lasted 5 hours went really well, and we also texted a lot afterwards, amd he wanted to plan the visit in my city.

I understand that it happens that people change their mind, I think it's more the fact that he's disappeared like this that upsets me. If it was some random guy from a dating app, I would not be surprised but we've known each other for several years.

I know some people will tell me that we don't need to text all the time because we're not dating but I think you don't go quiet for 10 days if you're interested in someone.

 

[MissCanuck]

I’m sorry you’re disappointed, OP. I can understand why. 

I agree that you’d have heard from him by now if he were more interested. Whether it’s the distance or job-hunt or lack of romantic intention, he doesn’t appear to want the same thing you did out of this. 

I would chalk it up to experience and consider it a write-off at this point.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I’m sorry you’re disappointed, OP. I can understand why. 

I agree that you’d have heard from him by now if he were more interested. Whether it’s the distance or job-hunt or lack of romantic intention, he doesn’t appear to want the same thing you did out of this. 

I would chalk it up to experience and consider it a write-off at this point.  

I agree and I'm sorry as well. Been through that sort of experience many many times -and not just romantically.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I’m sorry you’re disappointed, OP. I can understand why. 

I agree that you’d have heard from him by now if he were more interested. Whether it’s the distance or job-hunt or lack of romantic intention, he doesn’t appear to want the same thing you did out of this. 

I would chalk it up to experience and consider it a write-off at this point.  

Thank you, yes, it's a disappointment. The last time we texted it was a good conversation, I didn't notice any change in his behavior, he was replying very quickly and the conversation flowed easily, so that's why I'm a little upset now that he's gone silent.

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

 

I know some people will tell me that we don't need to text all the time because we're not dating but I think you don't go quiet for 10 days if you're interested in someone.

 

As I have understood the whole story, there has never been any indication that he's interested in you as a relationship partner.  

You had one lunch, you both felt a spark, there was talk of a visit in August.

That's it.

Clearly you are quite hung up on this guy and I don't think it's healthy.  If I were in charge of you (don't worry, I know I'm not 😃)  you would have been dating other guys  since that lunch.   It seems clear that you are looking to be in a relationship.  So you ought to be focussing your efforts on prospects you could actually date.  Not obsessing over this guy.

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think it's more the fact that he's disappeared like this that upsets me.

Have you texted him at all during the 10 days? 
 

I mean, if not then couldn’t the same be said about you? 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, yes, it's a disappointment. The last time we texted it was a good conversation, I didn't notice any change in his behavior, he was replying very quickly and the conversation flowed easily, so that's why I'm a little upset now that he's gone silent.

Yes, it seems he enjoyed the chat but didn’t really assign more meaning or intention to it. I understand you were hopeful that it may signal something more, though. 

The best thing to do is simply acknowledge (to yourself) that you had a crush on this guy, but know that it will pass. 

[kim42]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

As I have understood the whole story, there has never been any indication that he's interested in you as a relationship partner.  

You had one lunch, you both felt a spark, there was talk of a visit in August.

That's it.

Clearly you are quite hung up on this guy and I don't think it's healthy.  If I were in charge of you (don't worry, I know I'm not 😃)  you would have been dating other guys  since that lunch.   It seems clear that you are looking to be in a relationship.  So you ought to be focussing your efforts on prospects you could actually date.  Not obsessing over this guy.

 

 

I can't read his mind obviously but I believe there were several indications that he was interested. I don't remember how many details I mentioned here but some of our interactions and text messages were definitely not just friendly, and based on the questions he asked me when we met, I believe that at some point he was interested. 

It's not easy to go on dates for me at the moment, I have a new job that consumes a lot of my time, and I was also traveling a lot recently. And I don't go on dating apps anymore. I should see this other guy in September though.

Yes, I liked him a lot, I didn't meet someone I'd have so much in common with in a while. I know I need to move on, it helps me to get everythig off my chest, that's why I postel here and why I've asked people not to be too harsh with me - I'm trying to move on, trust me.