First "date" confusion

[kim42]

Quick question - I know it's his birthday this week, is it okay if I send him a happy birthday message?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Quick question - I know it's his birthday this week, is it okay if I send him a happy birthday message?

Yes, it's a nice thing to do. 

[Batya33]

Yes - think of it this way -these days it's common even with FB "friends" -I do also text my good friends-in addition to FB because I want to know how they're doing/how they celebrated etc.  So yes- nice -and certainly not overdone.

[kim42]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - think of it this way -these days it's common even with FB "friends" -I do also text my good friends-in addition to FB because I want to know how they're doing/how they celebrated etc.  So yes- nice -and certainly not overdone.

Ok, thank you, I know it was maybe a silly question, I just don't want to overdo it.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Ok, thank you, I know it was maybe a silly question, I just don't want to overdo it.

Not silly. I get it.  

[kim42]

A quick update - I sent him a 'happy birthday' message, he replied very quickly and we texted for almost 2 hours. I like how polite and respectful is.

[rainbowsandroses]

56 minutes ago, kim42 said:

A quick update - I sent him a 'happy birthday' message, he replied very quickly and we texted for almost 2 hours. 

Told ya!  😂

Is he still planning on visiting in few weeks? 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Told ya!  😂

Is he still planning on visiting in few weeks? 

I don't know, he didn't mention it, and I didn't want to bring up it either. I don't want to pressure him.

He's currently unemployed and looking for jobs, so maybe this is his priority right now.

I'm on vacation right now and he knows I'll be back later this month. I don't know how much in advance he wants to plan it.

[MissCanuck]

34 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He's currently unemployed and looking for jobs, so maybe this is his priority right now

Likely, yes. 

That might also interfere with his ability to travel, so wait and see if he's actually able to make the trip. 

[kim42]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Likely, yes. 

That might also interfere with his ability to travel, so wait and see if he's actually able to make the trip. 

Yes, I'll just wait now to see if he is able to afford the trip.

[catfeeder]

On 8/4/2023 at 11:34 AM, kim42 said:

Yes, I'll just wait now to see if he is able to afford the trip.

It may be less about affording and more about not being to take time from a new job if he lands something soon.

Glad you've been back in touch.

[shouldhavelearned]

Call him 

[kim42]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It may be less about affording and more about not being to take time from a new job if he lands something soon.

Glad you've been back in touch.

That's true, however, I think he could come only for a weekend as I did, so no need to take time from work.

[kim42]

7 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Call him 

We only text for now.

[kim42]

He didn't make any firm plans yet to visit, so I think he probably moved on and is not interested anymore. I know someone will tell me again that I see things in a negative way but this level of uncertainty is not easy for me, and it helps me to write about it. 

[Jaunty]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He didn't make any firm plans yet to visit, so I think he probably moved on and is not interested anymore. I know someone will tell me again that I see things in a negative way but this level of uncertainty is not easy for me, and it helps me to write about it. 

I don't think people will say you're exactly "negative" about this.  It's more that you're subjecting your situation with the guy to criteria that is not appropriate at this time.  Most posts have been on the same page about it.  He probably has never been sure he wanted to pursue any interest he may have, because you live far away.  An attraction sparked on one date is easy to leave behind unless the person really nurtures it on purpose.  That's what you've done, but he probably hasn't.  NOT because the spark wasn't there - simply the realities of the situation may not warrant pursuing the spark, for him, at this time of life.

You must read this site and be aware that MANY people who are looking for relationships have a check list and deal breakers.  Distance is almost always on the lists.

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't think people will say you're exactly "negative" about this.  It's more that you're subjecting your situation with the guy to criteria that is not appropriate at this time.  Most posts have been on the same page about it.  He probably has never been sure he wanted to pursue any interest he may have, because you live far away.  An attraction sparked on one date is easy to leave behind unless the person really nurtures it on purpose.  That's what you've done, but he probably hasn't.  NOT because the spark wasn't there - simply the realities of the situation may not warrant pursuing the spark, for him, at this time of life.

You must read this site and be aware that MANY people who are looking for relationships have a check list and deal breakers.  Distance is almost always on the lists.

I had a feeling that he wanted to pursue this, he stayed in touch and he said he's definitely interested in visiting me. We talked about what we are looking for in a relationship and he never mentioned that distance would be an issue. But I understand that he could have changed his mind.

[Jaunty]

43 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I had a feeling that he wanted to pursue this, he stayed in touch and he said he's definitely interested in visiting me. We talked about what we are looking for in a relationship and he never mentioned that distance would be an issue. But I understand that he could have changed his mind.

You're doing it again.  You "had a feeling."  Your feeling has no bearing on what was actually in his mind.  Your propensity for extreme projection is a problem.

He "never mentioned" having a relationship, either.  

Yes, he "mentioned" visiting.  He absolutely did NOT make any moves that indicated that he's interested in a long distance relationship or even act like he's pursuing you from afar. 

Yes, he texted a bit.  

Again: You both felt an attraction.  Unlike you, he probably is the type of person who weighs the various angles of a situation before jumping into it.

You want to get involved with him and THEN decide whether you want a long distance relationship.

He might be more the type that will make decisions based on compatibility BEFORE starting to pursue anyone.

This doesn't mean he might not show up for a visit sometime.  Be careful.  Vacation flings are fun for a lot of us.  Long distance relationships are generally a "no go" for people who are legitimately interested in a serious relationship.  The reasons are obvious.  

 

[Batya33]

I think his job search is his main focus now. And I agree with Jaunty.  Plus  you were highly ambivalent about any sort of long distance relationship and about him especially at first.  Perhaps he picked up on that? That might inform how much he wants to invest.

[kim42]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think his job search is his main focus now. And I agree with Jaunty.  Plus  you were highly ambivalent about any sort of long distance relationship and about him especially at first.  Perhaps he picked up on that? That might inform how much he wants to invest.

That's true he's job hunting at the moment. He also told me he wants to visit his home country this month but is waiting to see if he lands a job so I understand he's busy.

We didn't talk about what either of us wants to do next, after the lunch 'date', if we want to pursue this or not. We texted quite a lot but not about this. He just said he wants to come to visit in late August.

 

[Jaunty]

33 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 

We didn't talk about what either of us wants to do next, after the lunch 'date', if we want to pursue this or not. We texted quite a lot but not about this. He just said he wants to come to visit in late August.

 

It would be wise of you to leave it be at that.  He said it - live your life.  If he comes in late August, see what that's like.  In the meanwhile stop obsessing about it and getting emotional highs and lows over it.  

[kim42]

19 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It would be wise of you to leave it be at that.  He said it - live your life.  If he comes in late August, see what that's like.  In the meanwhile stop obsessing about it and getting emotional highs and lows over it.  

It's not about obsessing about it, this situation is new for me and it helps me to write about it here.

I explained a several pages ago why I like him, so maybe others can better understand my point of view.

I have my own life, I don't text him anymore, I don't ask him questions.

[NighttimeNightmare]

23 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

In the meanwhile stop obsessing about it and getting emotional highs and lows over it.  

She won’t. If she could, she would. 
 

she has to figure out some tools to stop the anxiety spiral 

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

He just said he wants to come to visit in late August.

I don’t think you can put too much stock in how he is or isn’t texting, etc because the reality is that he’s sort of a stranger in your life 

live your life, meet people, if he wants to hang out later in the month, cool

if the vibe is still there maybe it will bring you two closer and he will begin to text more frequently, etc.  Things take time to build up, or not. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

It's not about obsessing about it, this situation is new for me and it helps me to write about it here.

I explained a several pages ago why I like him, so maybe others can better understand my point of view.

I have my own life, I don't text him anymore, I don't ask him questions.

What's new about it? That you chose to meet a friend for lunch, then had some interest in seeing the friend again and potentially saw him in a romantic light? Or new in that as someone else wrote you're telling yoursef this is a dating situation and then reacting with expectations that end up frustrating you (referring I think to Jaunty's post - I like how he put it).  I can relate to new situations - I'd never done long distance with an ex fiancee where we both said at the outset almost 8 years later that we wanted to see if marriage and baby making was in our future.  Ridiculous and bizarre in a sense - all new to me and him!

But what helped me was we were embarking on the ridiculousness being on exactly the same page - we had our 2-3 minute convo around 18 years ago this month about what we wanted/expected/what sacrifices we'd have to make - so even though it was new to me in certain ways that differed from what was new to him - I also knew we were a team and with a really fun and romantic goal.  That's why I was willing to venture wayyyyy outside my comfort zone.  

I would reread Jaunty's post -this doesn't need to feel or be new -if you get clear -with yourself on what this is -and what it is not.  Good luck!

(It reminds me of when my son was 6 or 7 -he met a boy around his age at the playground -they played with his hot wheels cars maybe for a couple of minutes and I heard my son say earnestly "ok so we're friends now, RIGHT?"  I mean - lol - maybe in his head  and the other boy was like -um yeah sure! - but it's one of those "ok we had lunch and we both generally are looking for something serious and he said he may visit later this month so ......we're dating now -RIGHT??"

[catfeeder]

On 8/4/2023 at 7:11 AM, kim42 said:

He's currently unemployed and looking for jobs, so maybe this is his priority right now.

Was he working when you last saw him?

I don't know if this was ever true for you when you were in between jobs, but unemployment was always a romantic dead-zone for me.