First "date" confusion

[kehratha]

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, that's something I've been trying to explain over here. I'd like to keep the connection.

I completely understand you, the only thing you should keep in mind is that cannot be one sided. He has to wish that too.

That' s why I said that for me is like a dance....one step from you, one step from him😊

[kim42]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That is not done by texting in this situation and often can be undone like if you get anxious and double text or your texts reflect anxiety.  Or in person then feels weird.

My anxiety aside, I don't see anything wrong with staying in touch and texting until we meet again. I don't double text. 

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, kehratha said:

I completely understand you, the only thing you should keep in mind is that cannot be one sided. He has to wish that too.

That' s why I said that for me is like a dance....one step from you, one step from him😊

I totally agree, thank you for your input 😊

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

My anxiety aside, I don't see anything wrong with staying in touch and texting until we meet again. I don't double text. 

I did not say that at all. I meant it's not a way to grow a connection in your particular situation -not how you described your connection and you think you can maintain it/grow it by typing to each other till you see him again I think it can harm the initial connection or perhaps be neutral -little chance of it growing what you found special- JMO. 

I don't do things by "nothing wrong with it" - of course there's nothing wrong.  There's also nothing wrong with you texting him all day, or him texting you all day or you pretending you're in an LDR/calling it a label.  I give input when it comes to what has the best chance of developing a healthy -potential-romantic relationship.  There's also nothing wrong with you walking away or him - politely I mean.  

So for example when my husband and I decided to be together again -and we would be long distance (as it turned out the LD part was suddenly delayed by 4 months!) - we were all in, positive about all of it despite having jitters. If his perspective had been "look, I mean we feel this special connection so there's nothing wrong with us seeing each other and giving this a shot, right?" I would have said "thanks but no thanks" - and he would have walked away if my response was "yes -I felt this really strong spark and you know it's not like I feel like looking for anyone else right now so I mean why not -let's try it -nothing wrong with 2 people feeling a spark - and dating to see what happens -I'm up for not looking around"

I mean you do you - LD was hard for us logistically - so much juggling of plans/schedules/flight delays/one missed flight/pregnant with him 800 miles away or more - cell phone issues, jam packed weekends, trying to conceive long distance LOL - so the "nothing wrong" mindset - even with your view on texting -in general -it's just not enough for LD.  Again my opinion. There are couples who do it easily, couples who really need a lot of me time/alone time so LD works perfectly in their lifestyles, or couples who want to keep things open so the excuse is -well we can both date others on the weekends we cannot be together.

As they say -love (or "a special connection") is not enough.

[rainbowsandroses]

Kim, how did you guys leave your last text exchange?

Since you said "the ball is in his court" I take it you were the last to text, so curious what it said.

Did you ask a question that required a response? 

Or did it naturally fade out till the next time? 

[kim42]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Kim, how did you guys leave your last text exchange 4 or is it now 5 days ago?

Since you said "the ball is in his court" I take it you were the last to text, so curious what it said.

Did you ask a question that required a response? 

Or did it naturally fade out till the next time? 

It's 5 days now.

Yes, I was the last to send a messsge, he reacted with an emoji to it. He said something about our lunch meet and I replied to it. It wasn't a question, it just naturally faded out and it was also late at night.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, kim42 said:

It's 5 days now.

Yes, I was the last to send a messsge, he reacted with an emoji to it. He said something about our lunch meet and I replied to it. It wasn't a question, it just naturally faded out and it was also late at night.

Hopefully he'll reach out to let you know when he plans to be in town and arrange to see you if you are available.

[rainbowsandroses]

Kim, correct me I'm wrong on this but I think I get where you're coming from.

You had one date, you connected.  And while one date doesn't technically classify as "dating" you nevertheless wanted to keep the interest level and connection alive, perhaps even increase the connection through texting.

Basically substitute texting for in-person dates since you're long distance.

If I'm correct, you're not alone many people do this.  

And sometimes it does increase the connection. 

Sometimes however the texting can create a sort of false intimacy because it's based on the "idea" of the person, not a real live person in front of you face to face.

I've done it myself and got burned so now, or when I start dating again, it won't be on line or long distance. 

Anyway, it was just something I was thinking about so thought I'd toss it out there for you to consider.

If I'm off on this, feel free to disregard! 

 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Kim, correct me I'm wrong on this but I think I get where you're coming from.

You had one date, you connected.  And while one date doesn't technically classify as "dating" you nevertheless wanted to keep the interest level and connection alive, perhaps even increase the connection through texting.

Basically substitute texting for in-person dates since you're long distance.

If I'm correct, you're not alone many people do this.  

And sometimes it does increase the connection. 

Sometimes however the texting can create a sort of false intimacy because it's based on the "idea" of the person, not a real live person in front of you face to face.

I've done it myself and got burned so now, or when I start dating again, it won't be on line or long distance. 

Anyway, it was just something I was thinking about so thought I'd toss it out there for you to consider.

If I'm off on this, feel free to disregard! 

 

Yes, I was hoping to keep the interest alive. 

I am aware of the false intimacy thing so I don't want to text too much of course. I just think that if we don't talk/text at all, then the connection will disappear.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, I was hoping to keep the interest alive. 

I am aware of the false intimacy thing so I don't want to text too much of course. I just think we don't talk/text at all, then the connection will disappear.

I completely understand, and in your shoes, if I chose to continue (massive IF), I might feel the same.  

When there's been only one date and the connection is tenuous, "out of sight, out of mind" can happen, it DOES happen.

I don't know what to say because you don't want to be chasing him.   And of course you sent the last, and double texting is not typically advised. 

I suppose you'll simply have to live with a bit of uncertainty for awhile till you hear back.

Stay busy, live your life same as before your lunch date and try to stay positive.

That's all you can really do. 

I hope he reaches out soon, keep us posted!

[kim42]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I completely understand, and in your shoes, if I chose to continue (massive IF), I might feel the same.  

When there's been only one date and the connection is tenuous, "out of sight, out of mind" can happen, it DOES happen.

I don't know what to say because you don't want to be chasing him.   And of course you sent the last, and double texting is not typically advised. 

I suppose you'll simply have to live with a bit of uncertainty for awhile till you hear back.

Stay busy, live your life same as before your lunch date and try to stay positive.

That's all you can really do. 

I hope he reaches out soon, keep us posted!

Thank you, I appreciate this!

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, I appreciate this!

Did he give any indication when in August he'll be visiting?  August 1st is one week from tomorrow! 

Would you feel comfortable shooting him a text and asking? 

I think that would be okay.  

I'm trying to stay away from stereotypic male/female roles that the man always has to reach out first after a text convo naturally ended. 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I felt there was a special connection when we met for lunch and I felt I could be myself with him. 

But then, you felt  that he was not “into you” because he declined following up your 5 hour first date with another marathon on the same day, and again the following day.  
 

 

 

 

 

[kim42]

22 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

But then, you felt  that he was not “into you” because he declined following up your 5 hour first date with another marathon on the same day, and again the following day.  
 

 

 

 

 

That was my immediate reaction after the lunch, and then I understood I was being unrealistic. When I was able to think about it with a clear mind, I could appreciate the the time we spent together and the effort he made.

[kim42]

30 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Did he give any indication when in August he'll be visiting?  August 1st is one week from tomorrow! 

Would you feel comfortable shooting him a text and asking? 

I think that would be okay.  

I'm trying to stay away from stereotypic male/female roles that the man always has to reach out first after a text convo naturally ended. 

It will probably be later in August because I'm going on vacation next week, and he knows about it.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

It will probably be later in August because I'm going on vacation next week, and he knows about it.

Why not shoot him a text?  "Hey, was just thinking of you, how was your weekend"?

I would and have!  And he was always happy to hear from me and we either scheduled a date or confirmed the date.

Like I said, trying to stay away from rigid stereotypic male/females roles where the man pursues/chases.

Act from a place of confidence versus insecurity or seeking reassurance.  Acting from confidence makes all the difference.

If you want to say hi and reconnect, then do so with confidence! 

I mean it's been five days, that's not chasing. It's not even "double texting."

It's saying hi after 5 days of silence from the both of you. 

 😂

 

[Batya33]

I think you keep this going by texting him with the purpose of saying hi and firming up in person plans. That way he will know you are interested -he already expressed interest in seeing you again.

[kim42]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why not shoot him a text?  "Hey, was just thinking of you, how was your weekend"?

I would and have!  And he was always happy to hear from me and we either scheduled a date or confirmed the date.

Like I said, trying to stay away from rigid stereotypic male/females roles where the man pursues/chases.

Act from a place of confidence versus insecurity or seeking reassurance.  Acting from confidence makes all the difference.

If you want to say hi and reconnect, then do so with confidence! 

I mean it's been five days, that's not chasing. It's not even "double texting."

It's saying hi after 5 days of silence from the both of you. 

 😂

 

That sounds like a good a idea, I think I prefer to wait for him to reach out though, I don't want to double text.

Maybe my thinking is too rigid but I don't want to chase him. We usually take turns in reaching out and now it's his turn I think. 

[MrMan1983]

47 minutes ago, kim42 said:

That sounds like a good a idea, I think I prefer to wait for him to reach out though, I don't want to double text.

Maybe my thinking is too rigid but I don't want to chase him. We usually take turns in reaching out and now it's his turn I think. 

If your last text didn’t involve a question and was a conclusion to a convo then it’s not exactly double texting as the last one didn’t require a response. 

[kim42]

18 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

If your last text didn’t involve a question and was a conclusion to a convo then it’s not exactly double texting as the last one didn’t require a response. 

Ok thank you, I didn't realize this.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

Ok thank you, I didn't realize this.

not to get too in the weeds about it but to me it is - I don't text again even if didn't require a response if it's a person I don't know well.  

[Jaunty]

You said earlier you would probably go on a date with another guy - anything happening with that?  

It would be wise for you to assume that the long distance guy is actively dating.  Since he's looking for a relationship he really should be, for his own best interests.   This will influence the pattern of how much he texts with you (or anyone else he is dating or interested in).   

So in a nutshell, you both seem interested in each other and more will be revealed next month when he comes to see you.  In the meantime, life goes on.   It would be more ideal for you to have a relationship with someone who is local, is that correct?  If a good prospect showed up?  You probably don't want to cancel out that possibility for yourself at this stage.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You said earlier you would probably go on a date with another guy - anything happening with that?  

It would be wise for you to assume that the long distance guy is actively dating.  Since he's looking for a relationship he really should be, for his own best interests.   This will influence the pattern of how much he texts with you (or anyone else he is dating or interested in).   

So in a nutshell, you both seem interested in each other and more will be revealed next month when he comes to see you.  In the meantime, life goes on.   It would be more ideal for you to have a relationship with someone who is local, is that correct?  If a good prospect showed up?  You probably don't want to cancel out that possibility for yourself at this stage.

That date will most likely happen later in August too - we will both go on vacation soon. 

[kim42]

I still haven't heard from him, it's been a week now. I now think he won't come to visit my city as he was planning, it was probably just a one meet/date thing. I'll focus on my life and try to meet someone who lives closer.

[MissCanuck]

I think it's a good idea to shift your focus, yes. 

He had a good time but it doesn't seem he's interested in exploring the connection further (or at least not on anything more than a very casual level.) My guess is the idea to visit your city in August was just that - an idea. I also wouldn't hold your breath for that. 

It's disappointing, but it's likely also for the best if you know that long-distance isn't something you would do well with.