First "date" confusion

[kehratha]

On 7/23/2023 at 12:25 AM, kim42 said:

So I'm not sure how much and often I should communicate with this man.

I try not to overanalyze this, I just wonder what people usually do in this situation.

Kim,

this is very different for each individual. Since I am here from a long time, I've noticed many differences also between US and Europe. Europeans tend to be more relaxed in regard to dating and texting rules.

I don't think it will help you if I tell you that me and my husband texted a lot while we were in LDR and even now. Meanwhile, others will give you their examples on not texting at all between "dates" (also in my opinion "first date or first meeting" is only semantical thing, makes no difference for me).

It's like a dance and it's also a matter of compatibility, like everything else.

You do you. Feel like texting, text, see how he respond, feel the vibe a little bit and go with it.

Good luck!

 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, kehratha said:

I don't think it will help you if I tell you that me and my husband texted a lot while we were in LDR and even now.

I agree every couple has their own texting / communication style regardless of whether it's long distance or local.

However unless I've missed something, Kim and this man had one lunch date and a brief mention from him days later he'd like to see her when he's in her city in August. 

How is this even dating let alone a LDR?

IDK, I think I may have missed something.

Kim, if I may ask, what prompted this thresd?  When was the last time you talked to him?  Texted or whatever.

Are you concerned or feeling badly because you have not heard from him in awhile? 

Have you reached out to him and he hasn't responded? 

What's happening?

[kim42]

Thank you everyone for your comments, it helps me to share my thoughts here. I know I tend to think in a negative way and expect the worst - it goes back to my anxiety.

As for the texting thing, I don't want to get too attached to it, and I don't need him to text me every day. I thought it would be nice to stay in touch before we meet again though. I'm trying to find a balance but I do admit I wish we texted a little more. I get a little anxious if we don't talk for several days.

I'll probably go on a date with someone else too so I don't get too attached to to this long-distance guy.

[kim42]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree every couple has their own texting / communication style regardless of whether it's long distance or local.

However unless I've missed something, Kim and this man had one lunch date and a brief mention from him days later he'd like to see her when he's in her city in August. 

How is this even dating let alone a LDR?

IDK, I think I may have missed something.

Kim, if I may ask, what prompted this thresd?  When was the last time you talked to him?  Texted or whatever.

Are you concerned or feeling badly because you have not heard from him in awhile? 

Have you reached out to him and he hasn't responded? 

What's happening?

I didn't say we're in a relationship, I know we're not, we're just planning to see each other again.

I see the word 'date' is very important for some people, I think it's more relaxed here in Europe so I'm not that concerned about putting a label on our lunch.

We didn't talk for 5 days so that prompted my question about texting. From what I've seen, I understand it's highly personal.

Yes, I'm a little concerned that I haven't heard from him. I haven't reached out myself as I think it's his turn now.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I didn't say we're in a relationship, I know we're not, we're just planning to see each other again.

I know you didn't, my response about LDR was in response to @kehratha post about how often she and her husband communicated when in a LDR.

I agree with you about labels, see my previous post. 

I'm in the US and agree that you and this man had a "date" when you were in his city and will have another date when he visits in August.

Hope that clarifies.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kehratha said:

Kim,

this is very different for each individual. Since I am here from a long time, I've noticed many differences also between US and Europe. Europeans tend to be more relaxed in regard to dating and texting rules.

I don't think it will help you if I tell you that me and my husband texted a lot while we were in LDR and even now. Meanwhile, others will give you their examples on not texting at all between "dates" (also in my opinion "first date or first meeting" is only semantical thing, makes no difference for me).

It's like a dance and it's also a matter of compatibility, like everything else.

You do you. Feel like texting, text, see how he respond, feel the vibe a little bit and go with it.

Good luck!

 

We did too. Once we were in an LDR. Not before when we reconnected and went out a few times platonically. To me she is not in an LDR. in fact she said she’s not sure an LDR is right for her. He hasn’t asked her to be in a relationship with him and they’ve spent one afternoon together so far with plans to hopefully see each other next month. To the extent she’s judging how he keeps in touch from the perspective of being in an LDR seems to me that’s not a good or helpful way to look at it. 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you everyone for your comments, it helps me to share my thoughts here. I know I tend to think in a negative way and expect the worst - it goes back to my anxiety.

As for the texting thing, I don't want to get too attached to it, and I don't need him to text me every day. I thought it would be nice to stay in touch before we meet again though. I'm trying to find a balance but I do admit I wish we texted a little more. I get a little anxious if we don't talk for several days.

I'll probably go on a date with someone else too so I don't get too attached to to this long-distance guy.

Sounds great. I’d aim for maybe once a week or so catching up and hopefully firming up plans for august soon. 

[Jaunty]

18 hours ago, kim42 said:

I understand that normally people don't text that much between dates but since we're not in the same city/country I think this situation is different.

I haven't heard from him in 4 days so I'm not sure how to feel about this.

You're not dating though.   

You're also doing something that is very ill advised:  wanting to "spend more time" with him in order to decide whether you are interested in pursuing a long distance relationship.

This is backwards.  If long distance is not good for you, it won't be good for you with ANY guy.  Your anxiety will rule your life.  It's already kind of out of control, if you ask me.  

 

[kim42]

26 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You're not dating though.   

You're also doing something that is very ill advised:  wanting to "spend more time" with him in order to decide whether you are interested in pursuing a long distance relationship.

This is backwards.  If long distance is not good for you, it won't be good for you with ANY guy.  Your anxiety will rule your life.  It's already kind of out of control, if you ask me.  

 

My question was about texting between dates or meets - as I said, the label is not that important for me right now.

I'm aware that this situation is not ideal for my anxiety.

[Jaunty]

15 minutes ago, kim42 said:

My question was about texting between dates or meets - as I said, the label is not that important for me right now.

I'm aware that this situation is not ideal for my anxiety.

My important point is that if long distance relationship is not good for you,  which it is clearly not,  more time spent with this guy is not going to change that reality.

As far as texting between dates - something like "thank you I had a nice time" would be appropriate, unless there are plans being made. And that's it.  Because you are not actually dating.

[boltnrun]

52 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I'm aware that this situation is not ideal for my anxiety.

So why would you want to pursue it?

I get that you like this man and he seems to like you. But that's not supremely unique. You could meet someone tomorrow who lives five miles away and who you could see regularly. Instead of relying heavily on your electronic device to make you feel connected. 

I think you said you intend to pursue dating locally. I think that's an excellent idea. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

My question was about texting between dates or meets - as I said, the label is not that important for me right now.

I'm aware that this situation is not ideal for my anxiety.

It's far from just a label especially when it comes to the complexities and complications of most LDRs (with exceptions)

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

My question was about texting between dates or meets - 

It's a unique situation since you met and things went well, but you're at a distance.

He's seeing you in a few weeks and that's the most positive sign to pay attention to in this particular situation.

So given the somewhat unusual circumstances, you'll have to be confident and play it by ear.

[kim42]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So why would you want to pursue it?

I get that you like this man and he seems to like you. But that's not supremely unique. You could meet someone tomorrow who lives five miles away and who you could see regularly. Instead of relying heavily on your electronic device to make you feel connected. 

I think you said you intend to pursue dating locally. I think that's an excellent idea. 

I felt there was a special connection when we met for lunch and I felt I could be myself with him. 

[Batya33]

Just now, kim42 said:

I felt there was a special connection when we met for lunch and I felt I could be myself with him. 

I've felt that way with people including on dates. The other piece is whether a relationship is possible.  That requires more than what you wrote.  Also consider since you basically dismissed -earlier in this thread -having an LDR maybe it's safer to feel so connected to someone who is likely not available to you?

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I've felt that way with people including on dates. The other piece is whether a relationship is possible.  That requires more than what you wrote.  Also consider since you basically dismissed -earlier in this thread -having an LDR maybe it's safer to feel so connected to someone who is likely not available to you?

That's true, it's one thing to have a great time on a date and another thing to invest in a long-distance relationship.

I've been on many dates this year and I didn't feel this way. Maybe it was easier to connect because we already knew each other.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, kim42 said:

That's true, it's one thing to have a great time on a date and another thing to invest in a long-distance relationship.

I've been on many dates this year and I didn't feel this way. Maybe it was easier to connect because we already knew each other.

Sure and that's for sure a great feeling!

[boltnrun]

40 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I felt there was a special connection when we met for lunch and I felt I could be myself with him. 

That's awesome, but you would have to be 100% OK with only seeing him every few weeks. And be OK if he's not the type to text frequently. You could not expect him to manage your anxiety.

BTW, does your anxiety require treatment? Or are you more impatient than anxious?

[kehratha]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I know you didn't, my response about LDR was in response to @kehratha post about how often she and her husband communicated when in a LDR.

 

 

I have to add, we did text a lot before and after our first date/meet, so very very early on. It was kinda necesary since we were really long distance 😊. 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kehratha said:

I have to add, we did text a lot before and after our first date/meet, so very very early on. It was kinda necesary since we were really long distance 😊. 

 

Yes.  It's different when it comes to texting once in a relationship -not just about labels IMO.  Also there may be a period of adjustment when transitioning to a romantic relationship - the type and timing might change, etc.

[kehratha]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

My important point is that if long distance relationship is not good for you.

If OP knows that for sure, yes, texting is meaningless.

But I got the feeling that she's willing to do LDR, if they get along and build a connection. So she's trying to build or keep the connection by texting😊. Which is fine, IMHO, IF he wants the same thing like her.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kehratha said:

If OP knows that for sure, yes, texting is meaningless.

But I got the feeling that she's willing to do LDR, if they get along and build a connection. So she's trying to build or keep the connection by texting😊. Which is fine, IMHO, IF he wants the same thing like her.

 

Yes - and I wrote above she should be transparent with him -if they see each other again and he brings up wanting to make things a bit more official - what her financial/logistical concerns are in general.  

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, kehratha said:

If OP knows that for sure, yes, texting is meaningless.

But I got the feeling that she's willing to do LDR, if they get along and build a connection. So she's trying to build or keep the connection by texting😊. Which is fine, IMHO, IF he wants the same thing like her.

 

Yes, that's something I've been trying to explain over here. I'd like to keep the connection.

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's awesome, but you would have to be 100% OK with only seeing him every few weeks. And be OK if he's not the type to text frequently. You could not expect him to manage your anxiety.

BTW, does your anxiety require treatment? Or are you more impatient than anxious?

I've been seeing a therapist to help me deal with my anxiety.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, that's something I've been trying to explain over here. I'd like to keep the connection.

That is not done by texting in this situation and often can be undone like if you get anxious and double text or your texts reflect anxiety.  Or in person then feels weird.