First "date" confusion

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You can though. In general can you afford an LD - and what about what you wrote about anxiety levels -that's general -that would apply for anyone - I think that's crucial since you wrote in general you're fairly hesitant about LD in general and this person is looking for a potentially exclusive relationship.  From my personal experience doing LD unless you're totally in -in general -don't bother especially with a serious minded person.  

When I was dating I knew in general LD was a dealbreaker.  Meaning with a person who I was just getting to know.  I knew in general what sort of distance would be prohibitive/dealbreaker so when I met people I screened out based on geography/plans to relocate.  I left my romantic fling 3000 miles away knowing the distance would be too much, and on and on.  I wrote this to you above -I think you're trying to hedge it -what -if you're over the moon about him and he about you suddenly you have the $ you're totally committed to spending to see him? Suddenly your anxiety in general goes POOF so you're cool not seeing him regularly and completely understanding when he prioritizes his dad over you?

Here's why I decided to do LD -and it wasn't based on being over the moon although -wow -we sure were.  I already knew him and had been engaged to him in the past.  I could afford to fly to see him.  I knew we could see each other regularly (it was about every 11 days) and I knew we both wanted to see if this time we'd marry and have a family.  And we agreed to be exclusive from the start.  We were on the same wavelength and practices about keeping in touch when we were apart -it just naturally fell into place.

Had he been a new person in my life -dealbreaker.  Because "in general" -which is what I'm posing to you since in general you've put up a number of obstacles to LD in general - LD was a dealbreaker for me.  My LD with my husband was an exception.  Your only exception here is "but maybe I'll change my mind as I get to know him -and consider that nothing of the general obstacles you posed will change even if he's awesome.

Be fair to this person and to yourself.

I appreciate your reply but I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to spend more time with him.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I appreciate your reply but I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to spend more time with him.

Ok nothing wrong with wanting. You want what you want. Im talking about acting on wanting it and another person gets lead on. To me it’s wrong unless you’re fine in general with long distance because this person - is looking for long term. Spends a lot of time and $ traveling to you and would have to take time away from his family to spend time with you.
 

So it’s leading him on unless you’re up front with him “I’d like to get to know you better and I’m not sure I’m up for long distance because of who I am and logistics “.  Then totally his choice. If you’re not transparent then it’s wrong to act on your desires in this situation.  

[catfeeder]

So glad you heard from him!

I think especially with high anxiety people it’s important to learn how to relax into trusting the impressions your gut tells you when you are with a person.

Of course it’s not foolproof, nothing ever is, but it trains you away from losing those impressions from projecting all kinds of noise onto them.

When your gut and your heart are in alignment, that’s your center. You can practice grounding from that place and allowing the noise to just buzz outside your focus like tuning out street fray. If an alarm blares loudly enough to require your attention, you’ll catch that. Otherwise, you can relax into your day and operate from your center.

I see nothing wrong with playing this out to learn where it could go. You’re entitled to observe your reservations to see whether those ‘must’ become your driver, or not. But don’t amplify them and distract yourself with them.

EnjOy! Trust the part of yourself that coaches you from confidence. Trust that if you are dealt some actual disappointment you are resilient enough to handle it, but there is nothing self-protective about creating such scenarios out of noise to suffer needlessly. That’s just a joy killer that with no payoff.

[kim42]

So I'm not sure how much and often I should communicate with this man.

I realize there is no correct answer to this and I don't need him to text me every day but I've never been in a long-distance situation like this so I'm not sure what to expect.

I know we are not in a relationship or anything, I don't text him that much but I also don't want him to think that I'm not interested.

I try not to overanalyze this, I just wonder what people usually do in this situation.

[Batya33]

Just now, kim42 said:

So I'm not sure how much and often I should communicate with this man.

I realize there is no correct answer to this and I don't need him to text me every day but I've never been in a long-distance situation like this so I'm not sure what to expect.

I know we are not in a relationship or anything, I don't text him that much but I also don't want him to think that I'm not interested.

I try not to overanalyze this, I just wonder what people usually do in this situation.

For me personally I only kept in touch if we had a date planned. When my husband and I were long distance we’d already decided to be in an exclusive relationship hopefully leading to marriage. We already had been planning when to see each other next. As boyfriend and girlfriend we spoke nightly and sometimes emailed during the day. I didn’t have a cell phone then. He had a flip phone (2005)

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I'm not sure how much and often I should communicate with this man.

What makes you believe it's up to you to communicate with him?

Is he communicating with you?  Has he expressed an interest in seeing you again?  

Have you? 

When was the last time you talked/texted?  

How did you guys leave it? 

Chat with ya soon, or something along those lines? 

Sorry for the questions. 

It's so funny I was actually IN this thread and about to post asking for an update!

And then you suddenly showed up!  

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, kim42 said:

, I don't text him that much but I also don't want him to think that I'm not interested.

That's easy. Whenever he texts, reply in a friendly enthused manner.  Stay on the radar but don't fret about texting styles at this point.

[kim42]

35 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What makes you believe it's up to you to communicate with him?

Is he communicating with you?  Has he expressed an interest in seeing you again?  

Have you? 

When was the last time you talked/texted?  

How did you guys leave it? 

Chat with ya soon, or something along those lines? 

Sorry for the questions. 

It's so funny I was actually IN this thread and about to post asking for an update!

And then you suddenly showed up!  

 

Yes, he said he'd like to visit me in August, so we chatted about it.

The last time we texted was on Wednesday. Again, I don't expect him to text me every day but maybe I thought he would text me more.

Don't get me wrong, my days are pretty busy so I don't sit all day waiting for him to text me, and I'm trying to be realistic, I know we are both adults with full time jobs.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, he said he'd like to visit me in August, so we chatted about it.

The last time we texted was on Wednesday. Again, I don't expect him to text me every day but maybe I thought he would text me more.

Don't get me wrong, my days are pretty busy so I don't sit all day waiting for him to text me, and I'm trying to be realistic, I know we are both adults with full time jobs.

I'd keep in light touch until you see him again -a few times a week at most.  I'd get to know him in person and not be his text buddy.

[kim42]

Before we met in his city, we would text once or twice a week. I guess I thought he would text me more after we met and after he he said he wants to see me again.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't see much of a difference in texting between before and after we met.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Before we met in his city, we would text once or twice a week. I guess I thought he would text me more after we met and after he he said he wants to see me again.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't see much of a difference in texting between before and after we met.

Right - I think it will increase if you two start dating regularly. I never had an interest in more communication after just one date -that happened once we'd gone out a number of times and decided to be exclusive.

[kim42]

I understand that normally people don't text that much between dates but since we're not in the same city/country I think this situation is different.

I haven't heard from him in 4 days so I'm not sure how to feel about this.

[boltnrun]

Well, you're not "between dates". Unless he asked you for a date on a specific day at a specific time. Did he and I just missed it?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I haven't heard from him in 4 days so 

That's ok. It's too soon to really have an established rhythm and pattern.

[kim42]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, you're not "between dates". Unless he asked you for a date on a specific day at a specific time. Did he and I just missed it?

For the moment, he said he'd like to come to visit me on my city later in August.

 

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. It's too soon to really have an established rhythm and pattern.

Ok, I thought that because of the distance, we would stay in touch more often.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

For the moment, he said he'd like to come to visit me on my city later in August.

 

That's not a date. So you are not "between dates".

Getting text attached isn't real. Seeing him in person is. August is only a couple of weeks away. See what happens then.

However there's no reason you can't drop him a text once or twice a week to tell him a funny anecdote.

[JoyfulCompany]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Ok, I thought that because of the distance, we would stay in touch more often.

Doesn't it also depend on you, too? Why is it always him who has to initiate?

kimi, it looks to me like you're still a bit hung up on what it "should" be, how it's "supposed" to be. What do you want? Do you want to text more? Do you want to maybe call on the phone or via video?

I think the ratio between how much you like him and how much you contemplate is a bit unbalanced. I won't go back looking for quotes but I remember you briefly mentioned you enjoyed your date and was interested to spend more time together and then you were back to "I was disappointed, because I expected xyz", "maybe he doesn't like me", "I'm afraid it will fizzle out", "if a man likes you, wouldn't they xyz", etc.

In short - it looks like you're very concerned how you're perceived (with the negative tendency to think that you will most likely be rejected), so much so, that you don't seem to make space for your own preferences and desires. I would say maybe you don't have the best confidence and you're not used to express your needs, which - if true - is a pity...

Anyway, maybe this story will develop into something, maybe not. Why not be a proactive participant in it? I'm not suggesting you get super hyped or anything but no need to stay behind your thick walls, hoping that you'll be discovered, desired and saved. Everything is slowed down by the distance anyway, so why not help him a little?

[kim42]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's not a date. So you are not "between dates".

Getting text attached isn't real. Seeing him in person is. August is only a couple of weeks away. See what happens then.

However there's no reason you can't drop him a text once or twice a week to tell him a funny anecdote.

I don't think it matters if we use the word 'date' or not, we are in between seeing each other again. 

I know texting does not replace seeing each other in person, I'm trying to understand how much people communicate in these situations, when they live far from each other.

[JoyfulCompany]

Just now, kim42 said:

I'm trying to understand how much people communicate in these situations, when they live far from each other.

Forget about "people". Real question is - how much do YOU want to communicate in YOUR situation. Then go for it. If it works, it works. If not - maybe it wasn't meant to be. 🙂

[Sally .C.]

Hi Kim...I have never experienced a long distance relationship. However, I would say early on like this, in between the first amd second date, I would be comfortable communicating once or twice a week.

After a few more meetings, and after things become more serious & exclusive, then I would hope for at least one text exchange a day, maybe every second day, even if it's very quick. 

For now though, I think I would reach out if I hadn't heard from him in 4 or 5 days, even just a short text, such as 'Good night, hope your day went ok' with a heart emoji or something to that effect. That lets him know you're thinking of him. If he was the last one to reach out, then I would reach out this time. It's fair to 'take turns', however of course there are no rules.

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't think it matters if we use the word 'date' or not, we are in between seeing each other again. 

I know texting does not replace seeing each other in person, I'm trying to understand how much people communicate in these situations, when they live far from each other.

It does matter because you're not in an LDR with him so that's why it matters as far as keeping in touch -he's a person you saw once on a sort of date and now you might see each other again.  In an exclusive LDR we communicated daily when we didn't see each other but before we got back together -he was then in my city -he called me once a week to set up the next non-date lol -which was the first 3.

if it were me in his shoes I wouldn't want to get attached and would prefer to get to know you in person on the next date and take it from there.

[rainbowsandroses]

59 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't think it matters if we use the word 'date' or not, we are in between seeing each other again. 

I know texting does not replace seeing each other in person, I'm trying to understand how much people communicate in these situations, when they live far from each other.

It depends on whether they've established they're actually "dating" OR if they're simply gonna get together the next time they're in the same city.

Here, from what you've posted, this isn't a dating situation but rather you got together when you were in his city and will get together again when he visits your city.

As such, there is no obligation or requirement to keep in touch at all in between..

He will reach out a few days before his visit, in the meantime he's dating others locally and you should be dating others locally as well. 

Best to lower expectations, it sounds like you're getting ahead of yourself a bit. 

Just my take. 

[JoyfulCompany]

Hm, I do see those as dates.
She was going to visit his city anyway, yes, but there was a plan to have lunch together way in advance, they spent several hours together, flirted (light touching was mentioned), and later he complimented her on a picture. There were "I had fun" texts exchanged. Sounds like a date to me.

4 days later he expressed a desire to visit her in her city. Has no business there, was never there before. 4 more days later he already decided it'll be in August, which is just around the corner. Sounds like a date to me.

I'm typically against assuming and there's a slight chance I'm reading it wrong, of course, so...
Honest question - does it need to be explicitly called a date in order for it to be a date?

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I do see those as dates.

20 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Honest question - does it need to be explicitly called a date in order for it to be a date?

Personally, I really dislike all the various labels - meet, date, hang out, get together, etc.

It doesn't matter what it's called imo however for the sake of this discussion, I agree they had a "date" when she was in his city.

However one date does not a 'dating situation' make.  Not yet. 

Should he visit hers and it becomes a regular thing where they're visiting each other back and forth, then they're "dating" if that makes sense.

But as of now it's only been one date, so saying she's "dating" this man is a bit premature.

Just my opinion of course and if me, I would not expect to be communicating / texting as I would were we regularly dating.

Not yet anyway. 

Kim, have your next date when he visits your city in August and see how it goes.

If you establish you both want this to be a regular and consistent dating situation, then talk about the logistics then, how often you will each visit, text, talk, etc..

But for right now again a bit premature to be concerned about this IMHO.