First "date" confusion

[LotusBlack]

So much needless wondering. It could all be solved by one conversation - “Hi ______. I had a really great time on the weekend with you. I’m not sure how we might go about the distance, but, if you’re interested in seeing each other again, I’d love to go on/take you out on a date and see how things unfold from there. Is that something you’d like to do/pursue?” 

So much could be clarified with a single conversation. Two birds with one stone - you’ll find out where he stands and if favourable, you’ve also just created the opportunity to plan a date. I’ve lived in Europe - in Dresden/Pirna, which is right on the German/Czech boarder, and would often take a 2 hour bus to Prague, which was fairly cheap. I wonder you can do something similar and each meet half way to reduce individual expenses and travel time.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You're right they're not dating but as I said it's what men who were interested in dating me did. 

Not that we were dating at that time but they were interested in dating me.  Even if we had had no dates, when interested they suggested an alternative time. 

I did the same when not available. 

The distance didn't matter (plus it's only two hours), when interested they let me know by either asking me out or suggesting another time if not available.

If that wasn't your experience Bat I respect that!  

This forum is confusing sometines as it's been stated more times than I can count that when a man is interested in dating a woman, he makes that clear with words and actions. 

Here other than a reach out after their meet/date to tell Kim he's busy with his dad, nothing.

But again who knows, it doesn't matter, it was one meet, live your life and whatever happens, happens.

 

 

I agree in general. I don’t agree that’s what happened here at all. I wrote why previously. 

[dias]

19 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

So much needless wondering. It could all be solved by one conversation - “Hi ______. I had a really great time on the weekend with you. I’m not sure how we might go about the distance, but, if you’re interested in seeing each other again, I’d love to go on/take you out on a date and see how things unfold from there. Is that something you’d like to do/pursue?” 

Finally a normal person.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, dias said:

Finally a normal person.

For sure I suggested this too and the OP believes the ball is in his court. I disagreed. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Well, since all this started, the OP has admitted to not wanting a long distance situation stating it wouldn't be right for her based on her anxiety.

So not sure why any of this even matters, it's all moot. 

It appears to me and @Batya33who posted it first that what Kim is most concerned about is whether this man likes her or not. 

It's ego, nothing more, nothing less imo.

Had she been interested in actually dating this man, I'd feel differently.

But given her disinterest in long distance (which she admitted to), it's not going to happen.

It doesn't matter how he feels or what he wants, it's irrelevant given those facts. 

 

[kim42]

I am interested in spending more time with him, otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for advice. However, I do realize that a long distance thing might not be the best option for me because I'm aware of my anxiety issues. That doesn't mean I don't want to see him again, I think my anxiety is something I could work on - not just because of him of course.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

. That doesn't mean I don't want to see him again

Stay in touch with him and see how it goes. It can't hurt. You don't have to chase him but you also don't have to dismiss him.  Just let it flow more naturally. That will ease up a lot of anxiety.

[boltnrun]

Are you the type who will become extremely anxious if he takes several hours to respond to your text? Or if he goes a full day or two without texting you? What about if he has plans and can't see you on a certain weekend, would that cause you anxiety? 

Are you active on any dating apps? Do you go to events or belong to any coed groups? 

[kim42]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My thinking Bat was when he said he'd love to see her Sunday but had plans with his dad, he might have said "but what about next weekend? 

Or something indicating he'd like to see her again.  

That's always what men who were interested in dating me did, but in any event @Kim just play it by ear. 

If he reaches out, great, if not, that's okay too. 

Again, live your life and remain open to all possibilities. 

That is what I always did and it's served me well.

Keep us posted!

 

This is not to defend him or make excuses for him but from a practical point of view - we live in different countries, and the train tickets are pretty expensive, especially for last minute plans so it's not that easy to make plans for next weekend.

Also, he's never been to my city/country.

[kim42]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you the type who will become extremely anxious if he takes several hours to respond to your text? Or if he goes a full day or two without texting you? What about if he has plans and can't see you on a certain weekend, would that cause you anxiety? 

Are you active on any dating apps? Do you go to events or belong to any coed groups? 

I don't go dating apps that much anymore, I think I have one app on my phone but I don't really use it. I go to many events and I'm.part of many expat groups in my city.

I admit that I get anxious about texting sometimes.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

So much needless wondering. It could all be solved by one conversation - “Hi ______. I had a really great time on the weekend with you. I’m not sure how we might go about the distance, but, if you’re interested in seeing each other again, I’d love to go on/take you out on a date and see how things unfold from there. Is that something you’d like to do/pursue?” 

So much could be clarified with a single conversation. Two birds with one stone - you’ll find out where he stands and if favourable, you’ve also just created the opportunity to plan a date. I’ve lived in Europe - in Dresden/Pirna, which is right on the German/Czech boarder, and would often take a 2 hour bus to Prague, which was fairly cheap. I wonder you can do something similar and each meet half way to reduce individual expenses and travel time.

I like this, thank you! 

[Batya33]

14 hours ago, kim42 said:

I am interested in spending more time with him, otherwise I wouldn't be here asking for advice. However, I do realize that a long distance thing might not be the best option for me because I'm aware of my anxiety issues. That doesn't mean I don't want to see him again, I think my anxiety is something I could work on - not just because of him of course.

It's not fair to see him again though -he said he was looking for an exclusive LTR and you're not 100% in on the long distance part so I'd step aside and let him find someone who is.  

[kim42]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not fair to see him again though -he said he was looking for an exclusive LTR and you're not 100% in on the long distance part so I'd step aside and let him find someone who is.  

I think in order to know if I could do a long-distance thing I'd need to see him again and spend more time with him. I don't think that's unreasonable.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I think in order to know if I could do a long-distance thing I'd need to see him again and spend more time with him. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Yes so be transparent.  Tell him that exact thing and see if he’s good with that so he doesn’t invest all of that extra time and $$$ to see you.  But you said generally you are not cut out for it. And you said generally you don’t have the $$ to travel like that. So how would that change even if you found you liked him ?

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's not fair to see him again though -he said he was looking for an exclusive LTR and you're not 100% in on the long distance part so I'd step aside and let him find someone who is.  

 

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think in order to know if I could do a long-distance thing I'd need to see him again and spend more time with him. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I agree with Batya but have a question which I hope you will answer honestly. 

Not accusing you of anything, simply asking. 

When you say you need to spend more time with him, are you hoping that HE will somehow try to convince you to give the long distance sitch a go, thus making you feel more secure? 

If not, I can't possibly see the benefit of spending more time with him; you've made your position on long distance very clear - it's not right for you based on your anxiety and the money factor.

Other than hoping he tries to convince you and making you feel more secure about it, what other benefit could there be? 

You're already quite into him as it is and yet you still don't believe long distance is right for you.

Can you clarify?  

 

 

[kim42]

A little update - we're still in touch and he said he'd like to visit me in my city. He didn't come up with a specific date or a plan though so I'm not sure if he really means it.

I'm already worried that this will fizzle out soon. I'm trying to stay busy and I'll try to meet other men.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

A little update - we're still in touch and he said he'd like to visit me in my city. He didn't come up with a specific date or a plan though so I'm not sure if he really means it.

I'm already worried that this will fizzle out soon. I'm trying to stay busy and I'll try to meet other men.

What is "it" that will fizzle -you two keeping in touch? I wouldn't have the mindset that he is a man "in your life" as compared to meeting men to date -right now you've hung out once and you might see each other again in the future. You will know if he really means it when he suggests a plan -or you can and show you mean it by making a plan in advance (even if it involves him traveling again -since he offered to come visit).  

I think it's positive and worrying -about what? Nothing to fizzle because he's just someone you met up with once for potential dating.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

A little update - we're still in touch and he said he'd like to visit me in my city. He didn't come up with a specific date or a plan though so I'm not sure if he really means it.

It's going fine. Of course he's first going to mention he'd like to see you to get a sense of things before he makes firm plans. 

[boltnrun]

Do you consider the two of you already in some kind of relationship? Because if so, that's awfully premature. 

You went on ONE date. There's nothing to "fizzle out". 

If he makes plans to see you again, great. If not, you're going to date others anyway. Right?

[kim42]

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you consider the two of you already in some kind of relationship? Because if so, that's awfully premature. 

You went on ONE date. There's nothing to "fizzle out". 

If he makes plans to see you again, great. If not, you're going to date others anyway. Right?

Oh no, definitely not, I never said I think we're in relationship.

[kim42]

On 7/18/2023 at 6:12 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

 

I agree with Batya but have a question which I hope you will answer honestly. 

Not accusing you of anything, simply asking. 

When you say you need to spend more time with him, are you hoping that HE will somehow try to convince you to give the long distance sitch a go, thus making you feel more secure? 

If not, I can't possibly see the benefit of spending more time with him; you've made your position on long distance very clear - it's not right for you based on your anxiety and the money factor.

Other than hoping he tries to convince you and making you feel more secure about it, what other benefit could there be? 

You're already quite into him as it is and yet you still don't believe long distance is right for you.

Can you clarify?  

 

 

I don't need him to convince me, I just want to be sure that we both want the same thing.

Someone mentioned money - yes, it's not the cheapest train but I didn't say I can't afford it. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

So, see, he did contact you.  He seems interested, just absent of the anxiety surrounding it that you struggle with

 

best practice now is to detach from the outcome.  So be present, with whatever happens in the moment, but detach from any outcomes.  That’s a way to alleviate anxiety. 
 

continue to live your life, but engage him if you’re interested in him. Life will happen as it will 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't need him to convince me, I just want to be sure that we both want the same thing.

Someone mentioned money - yes, it's not the cheapest train but I didn't say I can't afford it. 

So do you want to pursue an exclusive relationship with someone who is long distance -meaning want as in 100% in to the time/effort/money and accepting the downsides of LD? If not I wouldn't bother.  

[kim42]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So do you want to pursue an exclusive relationship with someone who is long distance -meaning want as in 100% in to the time/effort/money and accepting the downsides of LD? If not I wouldn't bother.  

I can't give you a 100% answer because we've only had one 'date'.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

I can't give you a 100% answer because we've only had one 'date'.

You can though. In general can you afford an LD - and what about what you wrote about anxiety levels -that's general -that would apply for anyone - I think that's crucial since you wrote in general you're fairly hesitant about LD in general and this person is looking for a potentially exclusive relationship.  From my personal experience doing LD unless you're totally in -in general -don't bother especially with a serious minded person.  

When I was dating I knew in general LD was a dealbreaker.  Meaning with a person who I was just getting to know.  I knew in general what sort of distance would be prohibitive/dealbreaker so when I met people I screened out based on geography/plans to relocate.  I left my romantic fling 3000 miles away knowing the distance would be too much, and on and on.  I wrote this to you above -I think you're trying to hedge it -what -if you're over the moon about him and he about you suddenly you have the $ you're totally committed to spending to see him? Suddenly your anxiety in general goes POOF so you're cool not seeing him regularly and completely understanding when he prioritizes his dad over you?

Here's why I decided to do LD -and it wasn't based on being over the moon although -wow -we sure were.  I already knew him and had been engaged to him in the past.  I could afford to fly to see him.  I knew we could see each other regularly (it was about every 11 days) and I knew we both wanted to see if this time we'd marry and have a family.  And we agreed to be exclusive from the start.  We were on the same wavelength and practices about keeping in touch when we were apart -it just naturally fell into place.

Had he been a new person in my life -dealbreaker.  Because "in general" -which is what I'm posing to you since in general you've put up a number of obstacles to LD in general - LD was a dealbreaker for me.  My LD with my husband was an exception.  Your only exception here is "but maybe I'll change my mind as I get to know him -and consider that nothing of the general obstacles you posed will change even if he's awesome.

Be fair to this person and to yourself.