First "date" confusion

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I'm not saying I am strictly against having a long distance relationship but I realize it might not be a good option for someone like me.

So your desire was to have this one great weekend together (no sex) and that's it. 

OK thanks for clarifying. 

I stand by what I posted originally that is NOT a realistic or even a fair expectation.

Most people wouldn't go for that unless like I said it was a quick no strings weekend fling, which you didn't want either.

Totally confusing.

If you can't understand that I don't know what else to tell ya.

Good luck. 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, kim42 said:

As I explained yesterday, I wasn't looking for a weekend fling and I didn't travel to another country to have sex with him.

I wanted to get to know him better and see how we get along outside work. I liked how he made plans and stayed in touch prior to our lunch, he was very consistent and respectful in his messages, so I thought I'd give it a try and spend some time with him.

I'm not saying I am strictly against having a long distance relationship but I realize it might not be a good option for someone like me.

 

To me the standard is you have to be all in. All. Not “well I’m not against it”. I was all in. And it was still hard especially when I was in labor and he was 800 miles away lol. Seriously though. It meant tons of planning and time on planes and delayed flights.  Sleep deprivation.  Taking work with me and getting it done remotely. Figuring out how to work out of different office locations so we could see each other. Etc

[kim42]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So your desire was to have this one great weekend together (no sex) and that's it. 

OK thanks for clarifying. 

I stand by what I posted originally that is NOT a realistic or even a fair expectation.

Most people wouldn't go for that unless like I said it was a quick no strings weekend fling, which you didn't want either.

Totally confusing.

If you can't understand that I don't know what else to tell ya.

Good luck. 

 

 

 

I didn't have any special goal or expectations. I planned the trip to that city before he suggested meeting up.

I think I didn't expect we would get along so well. He made it very clear he was single and looking for something exclusive. 

I don't know what he expected from this weekend, we never really talk about it.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I didn't have any special goal or expectations. I planned the trip to that city before he suggested meeting up.

I think I didn't expect we would get along so well. He made it very clear he was single and looking for something exclusive. 

I don't know what he expected from this weekend, we never really talk about it.

All sounds normal for a casual meet up. I’d keep it to a fun lunch and nice memories. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

I think I didn't expect we would get along so well. He made it very clear he was single and looking for something exclusive. 

Well there you go, he said he's looking for something exclusive. 

Please explain how that would be possible when you just said a long distance relationship would not be right for you? 

How could anything further develop at all given the fact you're not into long distance? 

Were you hoping his interest was so strong he would try to convince you to have a long distance relationship?  I don't know, just asking 

I see two possibilities here for why he didn't wish to spend Sunday with you, neither of which had anything to do with his dad. 

1.  He thought about it and realized the logistics of long distance wasn't going to work for him either so no point in spending Sunday together, or

2. He got home from the meet/date, had time to think on it further and realized while he had a good time, he just wasn't all that interested regardless of the distance. 

I'm sorry.  Why not simply cherish the memory like Batya did and let it go, move on? 

It was one meet.

 

[kim42]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well there you go, he said he's looking for something exclusive. 

Please explain how that would be possible when you just said a long distance relationship would not be right for you? 

How could anything further develop at all given the fact you're not into long distance? 

Were you hoping his interest was so strong he would try to convince you to have a long distance relationship?  I don't know, just asking 

I see two possibilities here for why he didn't wish to spend Sunday with you, neither of which had anything to do with his dad. 

1.  He thought about it and realized the logistics of long distance wasn't going to work for him either so no point in spending Sunday together, or

2. He got home from the meet/date, had time to think on it further and realized while he had a good time, he just wasn't all that interested regardless of the distance. 

I'm sorry.  Why not simply cherish the memory like Batya did and let it go, move on? 

It was one meet.

 

Sure, it's possible that he's not that interested. I don't understand why he would reach out to me then after I left, on my way home, and complimented my picture, and wanted to know when I arrive home.

I don't know what I'm missing here, please let me know if I see things the wrong way.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't know what I'm missing here, please let me know if I see things the wrong way.

Yes you're seeing it the wrong way and not allowing for the possibility he changed his mind. 

Whether it was the logistics of long distance OR he realized after giving himself time to think further on it, the interest for him simply wasn't there to pursue further.

Reaching out afterwards, complimenting your picture don't mean much.  He may have gotten caught up in the moment and reacted. 

Again, after giving the date/meet some time to marinate, he realized it wasn't going to work for him.

How much experience do you have because this happens a lot.  People change their minds and that's OK.

He made no promises so all you can do is chalk this up to experience and move on. 

IF he reaches out at a later time, see how you feel then.  

In the meantime, talk and meet local guys if an exclusive relationship is what you want.

 

[boltnrun]

He probably liked you just fine. He also may have realized how unrealistic it is to pursue a long distance dating situation (can't call it a relationship at this point).

And have you considered he may be dating locally in his area?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

He probably liked you just fine. He also may have realized how unrealistic it is to pursue a long distance dating situation (can't call it a relationship at this point).

And have you considered he may be dating locally in his area?

Yes.  The way to know if someone is interested in dating you is if he asks you out on a date he plans in advance.  His messages show he likes you and finds you attractive perhaps and do not show interest in dating.  I won't go over my opinions on your expectations because I think your focus is on ego -yours -meaning whether he "likes" you -not on interest in dating him long distance -you're not all in on that potential which is why I suggested move on.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I won't go over my opinions on your expectations because I think your focus is on ego -yours -meaning whether he "likes" you -not on interest in dating him long distance -you're not all in on that potential...  

I agree with this^ 100%? 

I mean what else could it be given the fact admittedly a long distance situation isn't right for you.  Which is what this IS.

[NighttimeNightmare]

57 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I see two possibilities here for why he didn't wish to spend Sunday with you, neither of which had anything to do with his dad. 

1.  He thought about it and realized the logistics of long distance wasn't going to work for him either so no point in spending Sunday together, or

2. He got home from the meet/date, had time to think on it further and realized while he had a good time, he just wasn't all that interested regardless of the distance. 

3. He was tired having just spent 9 hours with/for her. 
 

 

I think he’s interested in her but we’re hearing her version of the story which is clearly driven by anxiety, so how realistic are her accounts? She’s convincing us he’s not into it but the evidence shows something different. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

3. He was tired having just spent 9 hours with/for her.

It was 5 hours but regardless he did not suggest another day which is what interested people do after declining an invite to meet again which she did. 

But OK, giving him benefit of doubt let's see if he reaches out again. 

As Bat said, when people are interested in dating they ask each other out.

She did, he didn't.

But we shall see. 

Kim don't wait around, live your life just like you did before you had your lunch meet.

Remain open to all possibilities.

[boltnrun]

There have been times when I met someone and thought "this would be great if not for ______". Whatever the issue is whether it's distance, already dating someone else, etc 

I met a terrific guy at work. The attraction was clearly mutual. But he politely explained he'd gone on a few dates with a lady and was seeing where that situation would go, and that it wouldn't be fair to allow something to develop with me at the same time. I would have loved to date him but circumstances didn't work out.

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It was 5 hours

-5 hours with her

-4 hours for her, commuting to and from the destination 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

-5 hours with her

-4 hours for her, commuting to and from the destination 

Your point being given what I just posted? 

Interested people act interested.  He's not. 

Never offered an alternative time nor have his actions shown any indication he'd like to date her.  

The reasons don't matter. 

If you disagree, that's fine, fair enough. 

[kim42]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I'll see if he tries to keep up the communication or not, but it seems that for him it was only a weekend thing.

I think I maybe got a little too carried away, I never spent 5 hours on one 'date' with a man before.

[kim42]

48 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He probably liked you just fine. He also may have realized how unrealistic it is to pursue a long distance dating situation (can't call it a relationship at this point).

And have you considered he may be dating locally in his area?

He told me he went on one date from a dating app but didn't like the girl, and prefers meeting people in real life. But he probably goes on other dates too.

 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It was 5 hours but regardless he did not suggest another day which is what interested people do after declining an invite to meet again which she did. 

She gave him an afterthought not a true invite and certainly not akin to asking someone out on a proper date -particularly given the long drive he'd have to do that night.  And then asked about the very next day when of course given the distance he is a person who wouldn't break plans with his own father.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I'll see if he tries to keep up the communication or not, but it seems that for him it was only a weekend thing.

I think I maybe got a little too carried away, I never spent 5 hours on one 'date' with a man before.

Oh I see- a new experience!  It seems to you it was only a weekend thing too since you're not enthusiastic or ready to put in the effort to make a go of long distance -your thoughts beyond the weekend have little basis in the reality of your lifestyle and circumstances based on what you wrote. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

The fact is we all can spend days and days dissecting this, but they’re all just best-guesses and none of us are mind readers

 

She is going back and forth, from one belief to the other, minute by minute, because of her anxiety.  And we’ve never spoken to him.  
 

the fact is, he did reach out after their meet. Wasn’t it only yesterday that he sent that message after she had spent 1-2 days convincing us he’d never speak to her again?  I certainly would not have reached out if I had no interest in the woman, but that’s just me, and I'm not him.  

 

whether or not it develops into more, who knows. I agree she should continue meeting other people, never put your eggs all in one basket in situations like this. I just don’t think making broad claims like: “he does like her/he doesn’t like her” is helpful when basing it off of whether or not a guy who just spent 9 hours with/for her texted her back quick enough or said exactly the “right” thing

 

time will tell with this one

[catfeeder]

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I'll see if he tries to keep up the communication or not, but it seems that for him it was only a weekend thing.

I think I maybe got a little too carried away, I never spent 5 hours on one 'date' with a man before.

Yep, a “Let’s see…” position makes room for any potential to unfold, even if it’s not immediate.

He might be grappling with the same reservations you hold about distance even while obvious attraction ends up winning out.

That could be an eventuality. You may have become a standard that he sets for local dating that confirms nobody else is going to measure up to you—who knows?

Point is, you’ve both thrown an iron into the fire, you just don’t know what to do with it at this moment. It could cool down, it could ignite, but the only way to learn where it might go is to ditch whatever-the-hell that rigid rule book was that informed your ideas about what interest and attraction ‘must’ look like.

Lovebombing sounds romantic and makes for great movies, but if you’re as intelligent as you sound, you wouldn’t be satisfied with a guy who operates on lousy judgment. So don’t let fantasy replace your own practical thinking. Allow for time to teach you both whether mastering distance can be a thing for you.

Head high, keep meeting men, and allow your future to teach you a best outcome for you. Don’t listen to discouragement—it’s not your friend!

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

She gave him an afterthought not a true invite and certainly not akin to asking someone out on a proper date -particularly given the long drive he'd have to do that night.  And then asked about the very next day when of course given the distance he is a person who wouldn't break plans with his own father.

My thinking Bat was when he said he'd love to see her Sunday but had plans with his dad, he might have said "but what about next weekend? 

Or something indicating he'd like to see her again.  

That's always what men who were interested in dating me did, but in any event @Kim just play it by ear. 

If he reaches out, great, if not, that's okay too. 

Again, live your life and remain open to all possibilities. 

That is what I always did and it's served me well.

Keep us posted!

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My thinking Bat was when he said he'd love to see her Sunday but had plans with his dad, he might have said "but what about next weekend? 

Or something indicating he'd like to see her again.  

That's always what men who were actually interested in dating me did, but in any event @Kim just play it by ear. 

If he reaches out, great, if not, that's okay too. 

Again, live your life and remain open to all possibilities. 

That is what I always did and it's served me well.

Keep us posted!

 

Yes if they were dating. And they’re long distance so he couldn’t and might have been caught off guard since he’s traveling. When my future husband wanted to see me again - after two platonic outings - he knew he’d be back in town in two weeks so he asked for two weeks in advance. Because he knew he’d be in the area. Otherwise he might have needed time to figure it out given distance.  I agree if she’d said she’d like to take him to an event in X number of weeks if he’d be in town - and he said no - I’d assume he’d have said wow that’s so thoughtful of you - let’s talk this week and figure out how to get together another time. But she hedged. She never asked about Sunday in case she didn’t end up being into him. So she asked for two very last minute plans both when he was in town for a very short time and would have to travel far. 
I’m not analyzing like a typical local dating thing. It’s not dating yet and it’s not local. 

[rainbowsandroses]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes if they were dating

You're right they're not dating but as I said it's what men who were interested in dating me did. 

Not that we were dating at that time but they were interested in dating me.  Even if we had had no dates, when interested they suggested an alternative time. 

I did the same when not available. 

The distance didn't matter (plus it's only two hours), when interested they let me know by either asking me out or suggesting another time if not available.

If that wasn't your experience Bat I respect that!  

This forum is confusing sometines as it's been stated more times than I can count that when a man is interested in dating a woman, he makes that clear with words and actions. 

Here other than a reach out after their meet/date to tell Kim he's busy with his dad, nothing.

But again who knows, it doesn't matter, it was one meet, live your life and whatever happens, happens.

 

 

[boltnrun]

At the end of the day the reason why doesn't change anything. He will either reach out and ask for a date or he won't.

What you can do is put yourself out there as available to date, whether that's via in person events or on a dating app. That way your future doesn't hinge on this guy either asking you out or not.