First "date" confusion

[kim42]

Hey all,

I hope everyone is well.

I’m supposed to see this guy next weekend, and I thought he was interested but now I’m not sure anymore.

To give you some background – we’ve known each other for a while now, we work in the same field and we would meet occasionally at conferences and other events before covid. We would stay in touch because we worked on the same projects but we would only talk about work. We live in different countries but we're the same nationality.

Earlier this year, I accepted a new job and changed my career path so we don’t work on the same things anymore. Right before I left my old company, he sent me an email and we started to chat. He was changing companies too so we had something to talk about. I already knew at that time that I'll be visiting a friend in the city where he lives in July, so I told him and he said we should meet up again.

We exchanged phone numbers and he was the one to text me first and for the past month he was the one to initiate most of the conversations, we talked about our new jobs and we also started to make plans to hang out that weekend in his city. I should say he's the one who started making plans first. 

He's very friendly and polite, he said several times that he's looking forward to  seeing me, always replied quickly and asked me lots of questions. So at first he suggested going for a drink on Saturday evening, and maybe a week later he asked me if I wanted to have lunch. I said ok for lunch because I'll be meeting my friend later that day. He said he would find a place and make a reservation. 

Later It turns out that my friend has a family dinner Saturday evening so I asked this guy if he still wants to do drinks in the evening as he had mentioned a couple of weeks before (he knows I'm seeing my friend in the afternoon). His reply was a little surprising for me, he said that we should meet for lunch and then play it by ear and see how we feel about it. He said we'll figure out something.

I'd understand if he said he was busy in the evening but he said he's free all day, so now I feel that he probably doesn't want to see me as much as I thought. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I honestly thought he would say yes and make plans for the evening, based on our previous interactions. 

I know it might seem too much to see each other twice the same day but keep in mind I'll be there only for the weekend, and we didn't make any plans for Sunday. 

I know that if a man is interested he will make time and do anything to see a woman, so I'm curious to see what you guys think about this situation.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 . I said ok for lunch because I'll be meeting my friend later that day. He said he would find a place and make a reservation. 

He seems interested. Just stick to lunch with him, then see your friends. You can always go on another date again.

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Sunday. 

I know that if a man is interested he will make time and do anything to see a woman

He can't possibly know if he's "interested" before you've even gone on a date. Same goes for you. It could end up that there's no chemistry or you discover something that turns you off or doesn't sit right. Being committed to spending an entire day together would be awkward in that situation.

And messaging and seeing one another at work conferences isn't the same as going out as a potential romantic interest.

BTW, was it made clear this is a date? Or is it framed as two colleagues getting together for lunch?

I agree with him. Play it by ear, see how it goes. Nothing wrong with that.

[Kwothe28]

Why do you think that he is a "coat hangar"? So that you could hang your coat every time you deem fit?

You said that you would meet your friend in the evening. He maybe planned to see you for lunch and planned something else in the meantime. Just because you need entertainment for the evening doesnt mean he has to do it. And no, that doesnt mean that he doesnt like you, he wants to see you. Just that he doesnt sing as you play music. Learn to respect somebody else time.

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why do you think that he is a "coat hangar"? So that you could hang your coat every time you deem fit?

You said that you would meet your friend in the evening. He maybe planned to see you for lunch and planned something else in the meantime. Just because you need entertainment for the evening doesnt mean he has to do it. And no, that doesnt mean that he doesnt like you, he wants to see you. Just that he doesnt sing as you play music. Learn to respect somebody else time.

That's an interesting perspective and one I didn't consider. Thank you for this. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Boltnrun -sounds like it's not clear it's an actual date.  And I agree with all else she wrote.

[smackie9]

He's interested. His lunch invitation and "see where it goes" is more of an extension to which it could very well lead to dinner. He wants to spend more time with you by the sounds of it. You don't know if you don't give it a shot. Look your best. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

He's very friendly and polite, he said several times that he's looking forward to  seeing me, always replied quickly and asked me lots of questions. So at first he suggested going for a drink on Saturday evening, and maybe a week later he asked me if I wanted to have lunch

Yeah, try not to make things so difficult.  You're meeting up for lunch ' on friendly terms'.  Leave it at that.

YOU have a few plans on that weekend.  Accept with a smile & say See ya there!

That's it.  Go and enjoy your lunch with him.  No more expectations.

 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why do you think that he is a "coat hangar"? So that you could hang your coat every time you deem fit?

You said that you would meet your friend in the evening. He maybe planned to see you for lunch and planned something else in the meantime. Just because you need entertainment for the evening doesnt mean he has to do it. And no, that doesnt mean that he doesnt like you, he wants to see you. Just that he doesnt sing as you play music. Learn to respect somebody else time.

 I think I need to clarify this. When he first mentioned going for drinks, I said yes because my original plan was to have an early dinner with my friend and then have drinks with him, and only after my friend found out about the family thing.
I didn't ask him about drinks in the evening because I "need entertainment".

[kim42]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He can't possibly know if he's "interested" before you've even gone on a date. Same goes for you. It could end up that there's no chemistry or you discover something that turns you off or doesn't sit right. Being committed to spending an entire day together would be awkward in that situation.

And messaging and seeing one another at work conferences isn't the same as going out as a potential romantic interest.

BTW, was it made clear this is a date? Or is it framed as two colleagues getting together for lunch?

I agree with him. Play it by ear, see how it goes. Nothing wrong with that.

I understand, that makes sense. I didn't think about it in this way because we're not complete strangers that don't know each other, we've known each other for years but it's true it was a professional relationship.

 

I don't plan to spend the entire day with him, he knows I'm meeting my friend after our lunch. 

 

I don't know if this is a date or not, none of us used the word "date", we just talked about "hanging out" but I think he might be interested in more than a friendship.
 

I'll try not to overthink it and enjoy the lunch.

[Cherylyn]

When you see him,  ask him your questions.  Never guess or have a mysterious person in your life and not know what he's thinking.  It's better to know especially since you're only there for a short visit so yes, it would make sense that since he's free for the day,  he would want to see you all day as opposed to briefly.  Also,  he's been initiating everything.  Is it friendship only or something else?  Be informed so you know where both of you're at.

[JoyfulCompany]

Starting from lunch there's opportunity to spend more time together (including drinks later) if you both find each other's company enjoyable. But even if that's not the idea, I still don't see a lack of interest in sticking with the earlier hour. If you're interested, I suggest you just go with an open mind.

As to "men doing anything to see a woman they're interested in", let's see:
 - he made sure to keep in contact as you were leaving your previous job;
 - he has taken the initiative to text;
 - he's been kind;
 - he's been interested to get to know you via text and expressed eagerness to meet you again;
 - he's been quick to answer;
 - he suggested making plans;
 - he came up with options (drinks, then lunch) and suggested he would make reservations;
What else do you expect at this point? It sounds delightfully enough to me.

In all honesty and as a personal preference it would be too much for me to make plans for both of the days before even knowing how it feels to be one on one with someone. Who knows, maybe you'll end up meeting for drinks later. Maybe not. Maybe you'll meet on Sunday. Maybe not.

So, yes, don't overthink it, it's too early to judge. Have fun. Hope you have a great time.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

When you see him,  ask him your questions.  Never guess or have a mysterious person in your life and not know what he's thinking.  It's better to know especially since you're only there for a short visit so yes, it would make sense that since he's free for the day,  he would want to see you all day as opposed to briefly.  Also,  he's been initiating everything.  Is it friendship only or something else?  Be informed so you know where both of you're at.

I hope I can figure it out next weekend, I'd like to get to know him more to see if we are compatible.

I didn't want to ask him directly if it's a date, especially not in a text message, but I hope to know more once I see him again.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Starting from lunch there's opportunity to spend more time together (including drinks later) if you both find each other's company enjoyable. But even if that's not the idea, I still don't see a lack of interest in sticking with the earlier hour. If you're interested, I suggest you just go with an open mind.

As to "men doing anything to see a woman they're interested in", let's see:
 - he made sure to keep in contact as you were leaving your previous job;
 - he has taken the initiative to text;
 - he's been kind;
 - he's been interested to get to know you via text and expressed eagerness to meet you again;
 - he's been quick to answer;
 - he suggested making plans;
 - he came up with options (drinks, then lunch) and suggested he would make reservations;
What else do you expect at this point? It sounds delightfully enough to me.

In all honesty and as a personal preference it would be too much for me to make plans for both of the days before even knowing how it feels to be one on one with someone. Who knows, maybe you'll end up meeting for drinks later. Maybe not. Maybe you'll meet on Sunday. Maybe not.

So, yes, don't overthink it, it's too early to judge. Have fun. Hope you have a great time.

This was very helpful, thank you.

[LootieTootie]

He wants to see you and regardless if this is a date or no date, just enjoy.

If he's responding to you and asking a lot of questions since you left your old employer, all good signs (if you are also wanting to get to know him too).

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I hope I can figure it out next weekend, I'd like to get to know him more to see if we are compatible.

I didn't want to ask him directly if it's a date, especially not in a text message, but I hope to know more once I see him again.

Yes,  it would be a good idea to ask him in person.  Always be clear regarding communication preferably in person for something important or speaking during a phone call is second best.  It's better to know where both of you stand so there is no misunderstanding whatsoever.  You'll prevent a lot of unnecessary grief and angst this way.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I hope I can figure it out next weekend, I'd like to get to know him more to see if we are compatible.

I didn't want to ask him directly if it's a date, especially not in a text message, but I hope to know more once I see him again.

In 2004 I met a guy at a 20 year high school reunion (I hadn't gone to the school but knew a lot of people who had).  We exchanged info and spoke by phone -we were in the same industry and I thought he was cute so I suggested we meet for lunch -we worked near enough each other.  Well when we met we had a lovely conversation except he shared something that was a dealbreaker for me relationship wise -which I wouldn't have asked and assumed was not the case (totally not a red flag -just a personal dealbreaker). 

We actually were open with each other once he said it and realized -he was totally chill about it -said he assumed it would be a dealbreaker (so the subtext was we both figured it "might" be a date) - and we stayed friends for years  -never ever dated or flirted/kissed etc.  It worked out well!  We're still in casual touch. 

And - my future husband who I worked with a long time ago asked me to lunch during the work day and I wasn't sure if it was a date so I just went - we were both single and I figured - just see what happens.

Enjoy!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I didn't want to ask him directly if it's a date, but I hope to know more once I see him again.

Try not to be anxious about it and enjoy your lunch. Please don't ask him if it's "a date". You'll figure it out from his words, actions and demeanor. Asking this is awkward and unnecessary.  

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

 I think I need to clarify this. When he first mentioned going for drinks, I said yes because my original plan was to have an early dinner with my friend and then have drinks with him, and only after my friend found out about the family thing.
I didn't ask him about drinks in the evening because I "need entertainment".

And in the meantime you scheduled lunch. Only after your friend canceled on you, you offered drinks in the evening as well. So again, why do you think he is a coat hangar? You already scheduled lunch weeks in advance and in last second you want to add drinks as well. Ofcourse he would say he would see if he can do it or not. You want to add more plans in the last second. 

Enjoy your lunch date and have fun btw.

[lostandhurt]

Not that this matters but did you copy and paste this from another advice forum?

Over thinking what may or may not happen on a date or trying to figure all the angles usually causes more trouble than it could ever solve.

 Go and be open and fun but be yourself and let us know how it went.

Lost

[kim42]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Not that this matters but did you copy and paste this from another advice forum?

Over thinking what may or may not happen on a date or trying to figure all the angles usually causes more trouble than it could ever solve.

 Go and be open and fun but be yourself and let us know how it went.

Lost

I didn't copy anything, why would I do it?

I know I tend to overthink things in general so that's why I asked what you guys think about this situation.

I'll try to relax and not worry too much.

[lostandhurt]

13 hours ago, kim42 said:

I'll try to relax and not worry too much.

Funny how situations like these many of us tend to make them harder than they need to be.  I have been guilty of over thinking things and in every instance nothing close to what I imagined happened.

We can be our own worst enemy.

  Have fun, it's just lunch

Lost

[kim42]

So I'm meeting up with this guy this weekend for lunch. I'm a little nervous because before we would only talk about work. Also, we don't text as much as we did at the beginning.

I know texting and meeting in person are too different things but I see my girlfriends texting with men they're interested in a lot more, so I don't know.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

So I'm meeting up with this guy this weekend for lunch. I'm a little nervous because before we would only talk about work. Also, we don't text as much as we did at the beginning.

I know texting and meeting in person are too different things but I see my girlfriends texting with men they're interested in a lot more, so I don't know.

 

"It's just lunch" and he is half responsible for the conversation so you'll see what topics you talk about - really a go with the flow situation, ok?I used to have lunch with a male work friend -he was married and much of the time I was in a relationship -I think we met for lunch once when I was pregnant and I say that because in general we talked shop/business but over the years we met for lunch we veered off into his being in the marathon, where we liked to go for vacations, family life etc.  I know we talked about parenting -it was all totally G-rated -absolutely zero flirting ever -but I'm saying that the convo naturally evolved as we got to know each other.  Very nice person.  And totally devoted to his wife and family.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, kim42 said:

So I'm meeting up with this guy this weekend for lunch. I see my girlfriends texting with men they're interested in a lot more, so I don't know.

Asking you to lunch is far more indicative of interest than texting. Enjoy your date! Don't worry about what others are doing.