Advice for Marriage Rocky Patch

[AdvReq]

M(36) and F(30).

TL:DR at the end. 

 

My wife and I have been married just over a year and been together for around nine years altogether.

 

Up until a handful of months ago, things were great. The usual silly arguments but nothing major and usually resolved swiftly. 

 

Around last month, I noticed that my wife was very distant from me. We chatted about this and she thought that we’d started to take each other for granted and things were getting boring or in a rut. We also don’t have a lot of intimacy in our relationship - she doesn’t initiate sex much if at all and would not be very physical with me. We had been trying for a baby for around six months so sex was there but becoming a bit of a chore at times. I will admit that I have been absent in terms of arranging date nights and making her feel special and I really regret this now that I’ve realised. I said that I would resolve this and we had some good conversations on how to fix things in terms of intimacy and just effort in general. We still love each other and want to make it work but she seems a tad more negative about it than me admittedly. 

 

Around the same time, she had made some new friends in work. These were four men, three of whom are married / long term relationships and one is not. They are in a groupchat and speak semi-regularly. They have met up for drinks (along with some other females) and she has also went for a hike with these three. I’ve never had an issue with her having guy friends and I’ve never had any reason to distrust her in my whole time with her.

 

Whilst we’ve been trying to patch things up, I’ve started to notice that she has become even more distant from me. I haven’t felt much in way of any improvement on her end and she’s constantly glued to her phone messaging people. She says to me that she feels she’s having some kind of mid life crisis and she feels she has lost a load of years suddenly and doesn’t know who she is any more. She says she needs time to fix herself mentally before she can fully commit 100% to fixing our relationship. She has just started therapy in relation to this. She also wants to stop trying for a baby in the meantime whilst she sorts herself out. She says she still loves me and wants to make things work and in order to do that needs me to be ‘normal’ and for us just to do our normal routine that we’ve always done. To me, it still seemed like something was off. Like she wasn’t being totally honest with me. I feel there are a number of red flags of being constantly on the phone, recently started looking after her appearance more, going out more with friends and generally absent from me. 

 

I’ve never looked at her phone to see who she is messaging but in a moment of utter insecurity and desperation, I looked at her phone and saw messages from one of the married work friends. That morning, she had planned on going for a park run (which I couldn’t attend). She said to this guy did he want to come to which he said he couldn’t. She pushed him a couple more times saying he should come but he never did. She never went to the park run. I noticed that there were a lot of messages back and forth which I didn’t read most of but got the impression were innocent in nature. 

 

Whilst we’ve been trying to patch things up, my insecurities have been getting the better of me. I’ve never been insecure in a relationship and she’s never given me a reason to me other than these red flags I’m seeing. She says that it’s all too intense as when we’re trying to have a normal day, a lot of the time it descends into me asking whether she still wants to be together as I feel she isn’t giving me an awful lot. I guess this is quite intense but I just don’t feel loved from her side. I told her that I had seen the messages and I said I’m sorry for doing it, it was a moment of desperation and I’m sorry to breach her trust. She was upset at this and again reassured me that this guy is no more than a friend. I questioned her about boundaries - I said that I’m not sure meeting one on one with someone of the opposite sex whilst she’s so emotionally distant from me is normal in a marriage. I almost feel like she’s having a bit of an emotional affair but she says this is not the case and that she does not believe a boundary would be crossed. She’s never entertained going out with a male friend one on one before which is what concerns me.

 

I feel like we’re going round and round in circles. She says she needs her space and that I’m suffocating her. I say that I need her to meet me half way and make me feel like I’m still part of her life, as at the moment it feels like she’s pushing me away and that something is always ‘off’ with her. She maintains we need normality and no intensity whilst she sorts herself out before she can commit fully to fixing the relationship. My insecurity makes me feel like she’s just checked out of the relationship and waiting for the moment of courage to end things.

 

Apologies for the long post. Does anyone have any advice? Am I just being too insecure and I need to ignore these so-called red flags and get back to being normal? And how much space should I be giving her to make her feel less suffocated?

 

TL:DR - Wife says she’s going through a mid life crisis. Says she can’t fully commit to fixing our relationship problems before she sorts herself out. Red flags causing me insecurity.

[smackie9]

These messages seem innocent enough BUT emotionally she's more keen with these other guys. That's why she "wants her space" is distant. She's getting a dopamine hit from their interaction. It's addictive, and like an addict, they cheat and lie to keep their addition. Seriously you'd better be ready for the battle of your life on this. When confronted she will be wild with accusing you for being crazy/insecure, she be in denial. No she's having an emotional affair so to speak. It's her escape from her boring not going anywhere marriage. That's why she's pushing away. Get yourselves into counseling if you can or at least yourself so you will know how to approach this with her. 

[AdvReq]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

These messages seem innocent enough BUT emotionally she's more keen with these other guys. That's why she "wants her space" is distant. She's getting a dopamine hit from their interaction. It's addictive, and like an addict, they cheat and lie to keep their addition. Seriously you'd better be ready for the battle of your life on this. When confronted she will be wild with accusing you for being crazy/insecure, she be in denial. No she's having an emotional affair so to speak. It's her escape from her boring not going anywhere marriage. That's why she's pushing away. Get yourselves into counseling if you can or at least yourself so you will know how to approach this with her. 

Thanks for your reply. 
I confronted her earlier that I thought the volume of contact and the suggestion of going for a run was inappropriate. She seems to have a different view on this which has shocked me. I said that you’re having an emotional affair to which she said she is not. Swore blindly she’d never cheat on me etc. She suggested I was being controlling. But if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d never let a friendship with a female go this far. Even if the messages were innocent, it is just disrespectful. 
I’m at work at the minute and she just messaged me saying she wants to talk about things tomorrow, about things that have made her feel unsure in the relationship the past while. She said it is just ‘general stuff’ but they’re ‘fixable things’. 
My head is all over the place during this. 

[Andrina]

I can see her no longer wishing to try for a baby with the poor state of your union, but yeah, not wanting to amp up interactions with you and not trying to better emotionally connect is very concerning. And now she's pooh-poohed your concerns about the male friend. It's not like a forever guy friend she's known since younger years, plus you've never met him. So she's choosing a new friendship that you have a right to feel wary about instead of being concerned about how that friendship is negatively impacting her marriage with you.

Yes, please speak to her in person and not through messaging about important things. It's too bad her boundaries are no longer in line with yours. If it were me, and I wanted to save the marriage, I'd insist on marriage counseling and if my partner refused, I'd make plans to divorce because my marital rules aren't negotiable.

Hard to work on a marriage when one or both is distracted by a third party. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[AdvReq]

8 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I can see her no longer wishing to try for a baby with the poor state of your union, but yeah, not wanting to amp up interactions with you and not trying to better emotionally connect is very concerning. And now she's pooh-poohed your concerns about the male friend. It's not like a forever guy friend she's known since younger years, plus you've never met him. So she's choosing a new friendship that you have a right to feel wary about instead of being concerned about how that friendship is negatively impacting her marriage with you.

Yes, please speak to her in person and not through messaging about important things. It's too bad her boundaries are no longer in line with yours. If it were me, and I wanted to save the marriage, I'd insist on marriage counseling and if my partner refused, I'd make plans to divorce because my marital rules aren't negotiable.

Hard to work on a marriage when one or both is distracted by a third party. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

It was quite hurtful and alarming to hear she wants to take a couple months off trying for a baby. It’s all we’d been focused on for months - perhaps one of the reasons we’re in this mess for all I know.

She started counselling today. Is it worth suggesting that we both do counselling then or do I just give her the space to do that by herself? 

The tough bit is she has never, ever given me a reason to doubt her loyalty to me. She has ‘reassured’ me as much as she can, verbally at least, regards these new work colleagues but like you say it’s just a pity she can’t see the negative impact it has right now given the context we find ourselves in. Ordinarily, this kind of situation I probably would never have worried about but given that she’s saying she’s worried about the relationship it just feeds the insecurity and doubt. 

Cheers for your reply. 

[Andrina]

Given you have a decade together, I'd have a wait-and-see attitude, and reframe it as that, instead of the mindset of "giving her space." If you'll see the difference, you having the wait-and-see attitude is giving you power, instead of her having all the power.

If she's truthful with the counselor, perhaps she'll be guided in the right direction, and apply those skills, if she indeed wants to repair the marriage.

When she speaks to you tomorrow, listen without interruption. Of course, ask questions after fully listening, to clarify and understand. Before then, come up with your own list of topics and needs. For one, I'd ask for a particular time period per day, say, during an hour after dinner that is phone-free, where you two enjoy each other's company, whether playing DJ for each other, listening to music, watching a TV show you both enjoy, taking a walk, making a new dessert. Giving each other foot/back massages. Variety is great.

Even if she wants "space" from you right now, it doesn't mean you can't at least voice your desires. Because the wait-and-see period should show whether she wants to please you by putting effort into what you wish, which are reasonable requests.

In the meantime, since she's feeling smothered, give yourself some solo time. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Get involved with that. If you've neglected friendships with guy friends, make some plans with them. Or if you do spend time with friends, continue and maybe do some different, fun activity with them to put back a little joy in your life. Any good concerts coming to your area, if you're into music? Ask a guy friend to go with you. 

I wouldn't voice this, but show in your actions that you're not a doormat and can create an enjoyable life without her if need be. That you can't be ignored and be mistreated without consequence.

Do you have couples friends you've normally hung out with. Does she have female friends she does things with? Do you two have a group of friends. What have you two been doing in the last nine years in your leisure time, together and apart? Why did it take 8 years of dating to go to the next level of marriage?

I can assure you you're not controlling. If she brings that up again, I'd tell her in a mellow tone how what the behavior for both of you in the past regarding opposite gender relationships  is something you've been comfortable with. And now it's jarring and unacceptable for you to have the rules changed.

I'm going to guess, but might be wrong, that she started this relationship before her brain was fully mature, which happens around age 25. And now that she's grown to her late twenties, what she wants now is a total 360 from what she wanted a decade ago. Perhaps she's stayed because she was afraid of change, and maybe too cowardly to break up. 

I don't know, but now is a watershed moment and perhaps you will soon get an answer. Until she makes some effort with you, assume the worst and start building a support system and a fulfilling life with solo activities and friendship activities so that a breakup won't be as devastating versus having her be the sole center of your universe.

Take care and let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AdvReq said:

.She started counselling today. Is it worth suggesting that we both do counselling then or do I just give her the space to do that by herself? 

This is a great start. There seems to be a disconnect that therapy could help you with. Especially with the abrupt turnaround in her attitude and activities.

Maybe it's fear of missing out, maybe it's the attention she's getting. But whatever the case, in addition to individual therapy consider marriage with a separate marriage counselor so you can start a dialogue about what's going on.

Do not join her in therapy because she needs the privacy to unpack and sort out things.

[AdvReq]

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

Given you have a decade together, I'd have a wait-and-see attitude, and reframe it as that, instead of the mindset of "giving her space." If you'll see the difference, you having the wait-and-see attitude is giving you power, instead of her having all the power.

If she's truthful with the counselor, perhaps she'll be guided in the right direction, and apply those skills, if she indeed wants to repair the marriage.

When she speaks to you tomorrow, listen without interruption. Of course, ask questions after fully listening, to clarify and understand. Before then, come up with your own list of topics and needs. For one, I'd ask for a particular time period per day, say, during an hour after dinner that is phone-free, where you two enjoy each other's company, whether playing DJ for each other, listening to music, watching a TV show you both enjoy, taking a walk, making a new dessert. Giving each other foot/back massages. Variety is great.

Even if she wants "space" from you right now, it doesn't mean you can't at least voice your desires. Because the wait-and-see period should show whether she wants to please you by putting effort into what you wish, which are reasonable requests.

In the meantime, since she's feeling smothered, give yourself some solo time. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Get involved with that. If you've neglected friendships with guy friends, make some plans with them. Or if you do spend time with friends, continue and maybe do some different, fun activity with them to put back a little joy in your life. Any good concerts coming to your area, if you're into music? Ask a guy friend to go with you. 

I wouldn't voice this, but show in your actions that you're not a doormat and can create an enjoyable life without her if need be. That you can't be ignored and be mistreated without consequence.

Do you have couples friends you've normally hung out with. Does she have female friends she does things with? Do you two have a group of friends. What have you two been doing in the last nine years in your leisure time, together and apart? Why did it take 8 years of dating to go to the next level of marriage?

I can assure you you're not controlling. If she brings that up again, I'd tell her in a mellow tone how what the behavior for both of you in the past regarding opposite gender relationships  is something you've been comfortable with. And now it's jarring and unacceptable for you to have the rules changed.

I'm going to guess, but might be wrong, that she started this relationship before her brain was fully mature, which happens around age 25. And now that she's grown to her late twenties, what she wants now is a total 360 from what she wanted a decade ago. Perhaps she's stayed because she was afraid of change, and maybe too cowardly to break up. 

I don't know, but now is a watershed moment and perhaps you will soon get an answer. Until she makes some effort with you, assume the worst and start building a support system and a fulfilling life with solo activities and friendship activities so that a breakup won't be as devastating versus having her be the sole center of your universe.

Take care and let us know how it goes.

Thanks for the response. 

This is really insightful. You’re right that she seems to hold all the power right now and I need to sort that out. I have plans to have a few drinks with a friend this weekend. I do hit the gym already but more effort into that and prioritising myself.

We’ve always had a healthy social life. I’ve been able to hang out with her friends altogether. Past few months I’ve been to a few of her friends’ weddings. I would frequently be with her parents and her on trips away with her siblings. Likewise with my friend group, we’d do double dates the odd time. I don’t think there was any particular reason for the delay in marriage. Covid probably delayed in for a couple of years but no hard feelings are felt in terms of how long it took.

My gut feeling isn’t that she’s having this mid life crisis that she’s professing to have. Although it’s confusing because once she recognised it and told me, she was in to see the counsellor within a week. To me, it just feels like she’s drifted apart from me a lot. And perhaps I’m adding 2 and 2 together to get 5 but my gut feeling is that she’s almost preparing herself to tell me things aren’t going to work out.

I’ll keep this thread updated when I can. 

[AdvReq]

Ok, so an update.

We had a good conversation today and she was finally fully honest with me. She said she has had some doubts about us and had checked out of the relationship emotionally and was coming to terms that we may not stay together. However, she swears over numerous family members’ lives that she has not emotionally or physically cheated. I trust her on this. I did say I did think the previous boundaries need respected and it seems she understands that.

She said that there are a few worries she has had about our relationship. It was mainly based over me in the past number of months not being my usual self. Being negative, lacking in compassion, not helping out in the house enough amongst other things. Just generally being a bit of a drag which she said she is not used to me being. I listened to everything she said and I realised I have been all these things. It’s a regret I didn’t amend these behaviours previously but I have been working on all these recently which she acknowledged. I think a lot of it has been down to financial stress amongst other things.

We chatted about there needing to be more intimacy and more fun. We need to make more plans and have enjoyment in our relationship like we once did. There was a lot of mutual agreements that we both hadn’t been trying and had gotten into a stagnant relationship / rut.

She said that she does have concerns but is willing to try her best to make it work. She said that when she pictures ten years into the future, she sees that with me and hopefully some kids. That was reassuring to hear. I said she can’t remain distant though and needs to let us connect again to reignite things. She maintains she is struggling with some kind of identity crisis and needs to keep going to therapy to work through that. But she is willing to put all that she can into reconnecting.

We hugged, kissed and things are feeling much better. It feels a huge weight off the shoulders. Still does feel like a bit of residual strangeness perhaps but I’m hoping this will fade with some time.

Thanks everyone for the replies and advice. I appreciate it.