Need help on this situation, really don't want to bring him omg my space

[boltnrun]

How long do you plan to keep deceiving your family?

What do you tell your sister when you go see this man? Do you ever stay overnight and if so, where does your sister think you are?

It seems like this man you're seeing wants your family to know you're dating him. 

Sooner or later your family will find out you're divorced. You can't keep up this pretense forever. Do you have reason to believe your family will retaliate against you in some way if they find out you're divorced?

[moomooland]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How long do you plan to keep deceiving your family?

What do you tell your sister when you go see this man? Do you ever stay overnight and if so, where does your sister think you are?

It seems like this man you're seeing wants your family to know you're dating him. 

Sooner or later your family will find out you're divorced. You can't keep up this pretense forever. Do you have reason to believe your family will retaliate against you in some way if they find out you're divorced?

Right now I have really good relationship with my parents, whenever I go out or stay the night I tell my sister I'm hanging out with my friends and I'm spending time night. 

I don't understand why he would want my family to know  that we're sleeping together because we are not together. 

I planned on getting therapy in the meantime and telling my family everything on December. Just wanted to be mentally prepared for the fallout. 

I think my family will disown me if I tell them about my divorce because I told my mom about my ex was cheating on me and my told me to forgive him and he will come to his senses eventually. My ex husband for divorce but he didn't filed for it. I did, I started the paperwork. 

[rainbowsandroses]

OK there's a lot to unpack there.  And I'm sorry about your marriage.  I think therapy might help but you're not open to it so won't go there.

22 minutes ago, moomooland said:

The guy I'm seeing is not my bf, we are just casually dating but we plan on taking a few trips together this summer. 

You must know that "casual" and "taking trips together" don't go together.   Which is why I asked if the guy you're seeing (who's not actually your boyfriend) understands that what you have is casual and you don't intend on it ever being serious. 

It's a mixed message.  You are misleading him by planning these trips together but yet not referring to him as your "boyfriend" and refusing to let him see your home after months of dating. 

I know if the roles were reversed and the man in the relationship (or situationship or whatever this is) refused to allow the woman he's been seeing for months and planing trips with into his home, and refused to call her his girlfriend, the responses would be a lot different.

The advice would he's hiding something, seeing other women or married, misleading her.  The advice would be to dump him. 

Well, he's not here asking for advice, you are. 

Sort through your sh*t @moomooland, take some time off from dating, like I'm doing, until you get things sorted out. 

It's the fair and right thing to do. 

[moomooland]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's a mixed message.  You are misleading him by planning these trips together but yet not referring to him as your "boyfriend" and refusing to let him see your home after months of dating. 

I told him from the start that I do casual dating, that might includes taking trips together. He said  he was cool with it , I did not mislead him.  

He doesn't know call me his gf either, it's not just me.  We both agreed on if the casual thing happened to get serious and we're both okay with that too. I didn't think it'd be this soon. 

I realized therapy may help with my telling my parents so I'm going to start doing that 

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, moomooland said:

I told him from the start that I do casual dating, that might includes taking trips together. He said  he was cool with it , I did not mislead him.  

OK fair enough, I didn't realize you had been honest with him about that.

Carry on then.  He may be misleading himself but that's his issue.

Be honest about why don't want him over.  Stop using the sister visiting excuse.

Remind him this is casual which HE agreed to and you're not comfortable with him seeing your space.  Period, end of discussion. 

He either accepts it or not.  If not, consider walking away.  

I think therapy may help you with a lot of things, and am happy to here you're considering it.

I wish you all the best.   

[moomooland]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Remind him this is casual which HE agreed to and you're not comfortable with him seeing your space.  Period, end of discussion. 

I sent him a text to remind him that and I didn't a response so I'm just assuming he no want to continue this. 

[Batya33]

Just now, moomooland said:

I sent him a text to remind him that and I didn't a response so I'm just assuming he no want to continue this. 

Yes and as you would agree -understandably! I hope you resolve your situation soon.

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I sent him a text to remind him that and I didn't a response so I'm just assuming he no want to continue this. 

Then let it go, it's for the best. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, moomooland said:

I think my family will disown me if I tell them about my divorce . I started the paperwork. 

Is your divorce final?  So this has nothing to do with exclusive or your sister or fear of men in your home? 

This has to do with the repercussions of arranged marriage and divorce in your family/culture? So you don't want him over so that you're family doesn't find out you're dating.

This is not some phobia of relationships or phobia of men in your house, this is hiding that you're divorced and seeing men from your family. 

[moomooland]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is your divorce final?  So this has nothing to do with exclusive or your sister or fear of men in your home? 

This has to do with the repercussions of arranged marriage and divorce in your family/culture? So you don't want him over so that you're family doesn't find out you're dating.

This is not some phobia of relationships or phobia of men in your house, this is hiding that you're divorced and seeing men from your family. 

I've been divorced for two years now,  I do have fear of getting close to someone, I am scared to get my heart break, I'm so cautious about everything. I haven't publicly date anyone since my divorce, I always kept on the low.

I planned on telling my parents in December, I know for sure that they will stop talking to me for a while or so. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I planned on telling my parents in December, I know for sure that they will stop talking to me for a while or so. 

Ok there's a few things going on. You were cheated on and have unaddressed baggage as far as being hurt again.

But. Casual and situationships will not prevent disappointment and you're fooling yourself that these arrangements are any better. Living a lie creates headaches and heartaches, it doesn't prevent them.

Just as this last situation you didn't prevent any hurt for yourself. 

The second situation is your family. Are you afraid of honor killing or other consequences you'll face for divorcing? 

You need to address whatever consequences you're afraid of as far as your family. Once you are honest with them and yourself, you'll be free to date and not lie to yourself and men that "you only do casual ", when in fact you just want to hide the fact that you're divorced and dating.

[Andrina]

What do you think of as the worst way to live a life? Forever short term casualness? Or an occasional breakup while possibly finding a forever person?

I haven't personally known anyone who has jumped from person to person for brief, shallow sexual experiences for the longterm. Short term, sure. But I would think shallowness for a lengthy amount of time would get really old, really fast.

Hard for FWBs to be on the exact same page for everything, because oddly enough, the loosey-gooseyness of boundaries or lack of boundaries, how often to communicate and about what, and how often to get together, etc. is a lot harder to navigate than clearer boundaries and accountability in an exclusive relationship.

I'd work on resiliency in your therapy sessions, since IMO, and assuming you eventually really do want a life companion, occasional heartbreak is less egregious than being lonely for a lifetime, if you're the type who does value romantic companionship.

[moomooland]

I have given up on love after my marriage ended. I actually took two years from dating, let's not assume I'm sleepy with multiple people.  He's the only person I'm sleeping with. 

But it doesn't matter no more because I sent him text to set a boundary and since I got no response I'm assuming he's want to part away 

[smackie9]

You have 5 months to sort some things out. Just prioritize and set aside lesser things for later. Don't need to overwhelm yourself. Be true to yourself, and stop being avoidant. Baby steps...keep at it don't stop.