Need help on this situation, really don't want to bring him omg my space

[Batya33]

You and he want different things so end it.  It is scary to get close to someone - some people get some mild jitters/momentary fear others experience it intensely. I chose closeness over fear - I was fearful of my then ex fiancee and I trying again and failing again.  I made the right choice. Your right choice might be to stick to casual dating so find someone who wants to date casually -do fun stuff together once a week or so then live your own lives in between dates.  I know of dating relationships like that and acquaintanceships -people who meet for a common activity but otherwise are not close generally.  But he wants more.  

[moomooland]

Okay everyone I'm going to end this, I will not contact him no more. It kinda makes me sad but this is for the best 😢 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, moomooland said:

Okay everyone I'm going to end this, I will not contact him no more. It kinda makes me sad but this is for the best 😢 

If he's not replying just let it go. You're not in a position to date casually or otherwise if you're not happy with your living arrangements or the nature of a situationship. Take a break and perhaps start dating the type of men you're interested in after your family leaves.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, moomooland said:

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How did your past relationships end if neither of you broke up with each other? 😳

I usually remove myself slowly and eventually I just stop all together 

Sounds like a plan!

[moomooland]

9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

How did your past relationships end if neither of you broke up with each other? 😳

I don't have the strength to walk away so I usually just withdraw from the relationship and see them less, barely give them my attention so they'd get tired and walk away 

[moomooland]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

you're not happy with your living arrangements or the nature of a situationship.

I'm perfectly okay with my house, it just that my sister is staying with me until December 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I'm perfectly okay with my house, it just that my sister is staying with me until December 

You know this has nothing to do with your sister.  She's just the excuse you use to disguise the true issue that you don't want him seeing where you live; it's simply too close for comfort.  

No doubt come December and you were still seeing him, you'd come up with another different excuse. 

At least you're beginning to get honest with yourself about that, it's important to own you sh** as they say. 

Many people slow fade as you did in your past relationships.  It's not the best way imo, but as @Jibraltasaid, soounds like a plan. 

[moomooland]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You know this has nothing to do with your sister.  She's just the excuse you use to disguise the true issue that you don't want him seeing where you live; it's simply too close for comfort.  

No doubt come December and you were still seeing him, you'd come up with another different excuse. 

At least you're beginning to get honest with yourself about that, it's important to own you sh** as they say. 

Many people slow fade as you did in your past relationships.  It's not the best way imo, but as @Jibraltasaid, soounds like a plan. 

I'm not going to text no more, letting him go 

[MissCanuck]

What is the problem with being mature about this and telling him that you don't want to continue seeing each other?

Hiding and fading away is childish, OP. 

[MrMan1983]

6 hours ago, moomooland said:

I don't have the strength to walk away so I usually just withdraw from the relationship and see them less, barely give them my attention so they'd get tired and walk away 

Being honest I cannot stand the ‘slow fade’ it’s probably as harsh as ghosting someone. It’s unfair on the other person. Best to rip the band aid off and just be upfront and honest, that way they can move on in their life quicker. 

[MrMan1983]

45 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is the problem with being mature about this and telling him that you don't want to continue seeing each other?

Hiding and fading away is childish, OP. 

Agreed, it’s horrible being on the other end of this behaviour. It’s choosing subjecting someone else to potential anxiety not knowing what’s going on over a short term bit of discomfort of just being upfront. 

[MrMan1983]

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Sounds like a plan!

Not a nice one. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, moomooland said:

I don't have the strength to walk away so I usually just withdraw from the relationship and see them less, barely give them my attention so they'd get tired and walk away 

Yes so you choose the passive way out -I've been on the receiving end of that with friendships too and it doesn't feel good. Of course you have the ability to be direct and open with a person you've known for this long -this isn't someone you met once or twice who's asking you out and your answer will be no, so silence=no.  Be a human who steps up to the plate and doesn't intentionally draw things out which wastes his time and can be more hurtful to a human who has done nothing wrong except wanting to spend time at your place as well. Do not tell yourself you "can't" - you are choosing to act in a self-absorbed way.  And it's not a good look.  

[moomooland]

I don't want to stop seeing him but I sent him a text a day ago told him I will not allow him in my place until December and if he's not ok with that, it's time for us to go out separate. 

 

[Jibralta]

22 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I don't want to stop seeing him but I sent him a text a day ago told him I will not allow him in my place until December and if he's not ok with that, it's time for us to go out separate. 

Excellent!

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Not a nice one. 

No, but people are as they are. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, moomooland said:

I don't want to stop seeing him but I sent him a text a day ago told him I will not allow him in my place until December and if he's not ok with that, it's time for us to go out separate. 

That's fine. Did he indicate that unless he sees your place, he wants to end things? Did you explain that you have family visiting?

This isn't really a slow fade or ghosting, you seem to be telling him he can't come to your house and if he doesn't like it, oh well bye.  So all you can do is see if he replies or not.

  Take this time to get yourself organized as far as your living space and what type of relationship you want. 

For example you have two issues going on. You want an exclusive relationship but accept less than that. You seem to have some sort of fear of people in your place.

They are two separate issues so it's unclear why you're making one contingent on the other. "If we were exclusive you could come over, but I don't want exclusive". So you seem to just want to keep people out of your place. 

[moomooland]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's fine. Did he indicate that unless he sees your place, he wants to end things? Did you explain that you have family visiting

He said  

"I don't understand that me coming over escalates that differently than you coming over.

This is an issue for me. I'd like you to reconsider. I don't like that you lie to those closest to you, and I don't want to be making plans with someone who lies to me, especially have an issue one who could be lying to me and I'm just naively allowing." 

Back story, I am divorced but I didn't tell my family 

[moomooland]

It just that I never have opposite sex guest over to my house before, I don't know how to do it 

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, moomooland said:

It just that I never have opposite sex guest over to my house before, I don't know how to do it 

What about your ex-husband before you were married?  Did he ever come to yours prior to marriage?  How long were you married and how did it end?  Apologies if those questions are too intrusive.

Does your boyfriend know about your issues/fears about getting close?  And that you don't want to be serious?  Ever.  At least not with him. 

I don't get why all the focus on him coming to yours, that's just a smoke screen.

And no it's NOT okay.  None of this is OK.  It's not how you treat people.   It's emotionally dishonest and disingenuous.

You have issues surrounding closeness and emotional intimacy.  You have admitted to these issues, here with us.  

Since apparently you have no desire to work through these issues, which is fine, no judgment, find ways to deal that don't involve misleading people (the men you date) and lying to them.

End it with him.  Again he wants more, you want less. Stop hiding behind excuses and smoke screens. 

Like using your sister as the reason you don't want him over.   That is NOT the reason and you know it.  

Your FEAR of getting too close (which includes seeing your space and how you live) after the breakdown of your marriage is the reason. 

Be honest. Be REAL.

 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, moomooland said:

  "I don't understand that me coming over escalates that differently than you coming over.

Escalates what, exactly? What did you tell him it's "escalating" if he visits you?  If you don't want men in your house whether you have visitors or not, then just say so rather than implying it's that your sister is visiting or that it "escalates" things. Does he think you're still married? Why was your divorce a secret?

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, moomooland said:

Back story, I am divorced but I didn't tell my family 

Wait, your family thinks you're still married?

Doesn't your sister wonder where your husband is? Or...does your husband still live with you?

Does this guy you're seeing know you're pretending to still be married in front of your family?

This is a lot more than just being "scared" to let someone get close. Seems more like you're scared your family will find out you're not only divorced but you're seeing another man. 

[Jaunty]

You have too much complicated, and frankly, impossible circumstances in your life to be seeing anyone.  

Please at least get to the point where you can be straightforward with a person you're evidently having sexual contact with.   

If you don't want him closer to you, you absolutely OWE it to him to just tell him that.  Forget about December, your sister, your family.  

There is a lot of cleaning up that needs to be done in your life.  Trying to keep a lot of secrets and control what people around you do and know is not going to work long term.  It's unfair to the people in your life, and unhealthy for you.  Very stressful.

 

[moomooland]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What about your ex-husband before you were married?  Did he ever come to yours prior to marriage?  How long were you married and how did it end?  Apologies if those questions are too intrusive.

Does your boyfriend know about your issues/fears about getting close?  And that you don't want to be serious?  Ever.  At least not with him. 

I don't get why all the focus on him coming to yours, that's just a smoke screen.

And no it's NOT okay.  None of this is OK.  It's not how you treat people.   It's emotionally dishonest and disingenuous.

You have issues surrounding closeness and emotional intimacy.  You have admitted to these issues, here with us.  

Since apparently you have no desire to work through these issues, which is fine, no judgment, find ways to deal that don't involve misleading people (the men you date) and lying to them.

End it with him.  Again he wants more, you want less. Stop hiding behind excuses and smoke screens. 

Like using your sister as the reason you don't want him over.   That is NOT the reason and you know it.  

Your FEAR of getting too close (which includes seeing your space and how you live) after the breakdown of your marriage is the reason. 

Be honest. Be REAL.

 

Yes my ex husband was the only person that I ever brought to my house because we were serious and I waited until he propose to me. 

The guy I'm seeing is not my bf, we are just casually dating but we plan on taking a few trips together this summer. 

I'm Asian, I have very strict parents, I even had arranged marriage but I said no and married someone else that I want but a few years later my ex husband left me and we have been divorced for two years now. I just didn't find the courage to tell my families. I'm afraid my parents will disown me again. 

[moomooland]

Yes, my family thinks I'm married, my ex husband is in military and he got station somewhere else, so I just told them that. Which is a true. 

I did told him that I don't want to be pressured and I don't even want to talk about where we stand until next summer, I told him this from the beginning and he was okay with it. He told me that he just going with the flow.  He knows I'm pretending to be married.