shouldhavelearned Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 Probably time to move on if he keeps pushing. Plus you're not exclusive at this stage after many months Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 This isn't going to work, OP. You don't want him to get close, but you also seem to not want him to walk away. You can't have it both ways. He is going to get tired of this sooner or later. You say it's easier not to get close to people, which is fine, but then why are you seeing him? Just call it off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 You need to stop trying to control what the guy thinks or feels. If he wants things to get more serious, and you are not going there at this time or anytime soon, you need to TELL him. Not try to play some kind of games so you won't "lose" him. He deserves to make his own decisions about that. You also say you both "agreed" to see other people - then you say you won't get more serious with him because he's dating other people. Well ... aren't you as well? Or at least you're supposed to be? Finally ... December? No. People who are just casual don't make plans with each other a half a year in the future. You're all stressed out about this and all over the place. I agree with others who've said that it's time for you to end this. You're worse than "close," you're mentally tying yourself in knots over a guy you don't have a relationship with. You're not protecting yourself from anything and you're also not getting the benefits of being in a close relationship. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 14 hours ago, moomooland said: I don't want things to progress and he said he's not looking for anything serious either, plus we agreed that we don't want to talk about us until one year. I'm just trying to find a way to tell him that I don't want him to my place until I'm ready without losing him Losing him? But you don't have him. You want to be in an exclusive relationship and he hasn't asked this of you possibly because he doesn't want to and possibly because he might think you are living with someone else or there's something sketchy going on at your place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 12 hours ago, moomooland said: The things is I have video chat him and show him my place and I video chat him multiple times. I sent him a text and want to revisit him coming to my on December but he doesn't like that I might have to walk away By all means walk away. This is no committed relationship, so he has no say what you have to do or not do outside the parameters of your arrangement. If he is making you uncomfortable, then maybe it's time to dump him, and find someone else. I do recommend, as a healthier approach, that you set your strict guidelines with a new partner. FWB, or any other relationship needs set boundaries and expectations to be agreed upon by both before proceeding. Saves a lot of BS. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 10 hours ago, Jaunty said: You also say you both "agreed" to see other people - then you say you won't get more serious with him because he's dating other people. Exactly. You also say you won't invite him to yours unless you're exclusive. Then in the next post, you said you DON'T want to be exclusive and have no problem with him dating others. You don't want him getting closer, you don't want to be serious, you don't want him to catch (develop) feelings for you. It's almost like you're angry that this man who has been dating you for months wants to get closer and see how you live which is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to want after months of dating. Why are you so pissed off about that? My guess would be FEAR in big bold letters. But yet you refuse to seek help to resolve. Just end this, wish him well and say goodbye. It's the right thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 17 hours ago, moomooland said: Plus he thinks in hiding something because I don't let him come to my place. How should I go about this? Also I am scared to get close to anyone. Bring someone to my place is a big deal. You both have a right to feel comfortable in any relationship. You don't have to compromise if you don't want to, and neither does he. You are both free to walk away and end the relationship at any time. You are both adults and fully capable of dealing with the consequences of your choices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moomooland Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 How do end it? Do I just never reply to his text ? I don't know how to do this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 6 minutes ago, moomooland said: How do end it? Do I just never reply to his text ? I don't know how to do this If someone broke up with you, how would you prefer that they do it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moomooland Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 24 minutes ago, Jibralta said: If someone broke up with you, how would you prefer that they do it? I don't know, no one's has ever breaking up with me before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrMan1983 Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 Out of interest, what would be the huge deal about him coming over? Understand if it involves him meeting family members though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 7 minutes ago, moomooland said: I don't know, no one's has ever breaking up with me before. No one has ever broken up with you and YOU have never broken up with anyone either? How did your past relationships end if neither of you broke up with each other? 😳 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrMan1983 Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: How did your past relationships end if neither of you broke up with each other? 😳 Well ghosting is definitely in fashion nowadays 😂 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 8 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said: Well ghosting is definitely in fashion nowadays 😂 Good point! 😆 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moomooland Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said: what would be the huge deal about him coming over? My sister is staying with me until December. I guess it doesn't matter no more I told him to wait until December and drop it for now. If he can't wait then this is it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moomooland Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 58 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said: How did your past relationships end if neither of you broke up with each other? 😳 I just slowly withdrawal from the relationship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moomooland Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said: How did your past relationships end if neither of you broke up with each other? 😳 I usually remove myself slowly and eventually I just stop all together Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 You definitely need to stop seeing this person. You are in a pretty unhealthy state of mind right now over this "situationship." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moomooland Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 I have set my boundaries, I texted him and told him that he needs to wait until December, that's the month my sister leave and to drop it. I didn't get any reply thought Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 2 minutes ago, moomooland said: I have set my boundaries, I texted him and told him that he needs to wait until December, that's the month my sister leave and to drop it. I didn't get any reply thought You CANNOT ask somebody you're just in a casual sex deal with to wait unti December for anything. Why? Because you do not have any kind of formal relationship. You certainly shouldn't be carrying on this situationship for 6 more months for god's sake. You shouldn't be carrying it on for ONE more more month. You're all wound up over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 15 minutes ago, moomooland said: I have set my boundaries, I texted him and told him that he needs to wait until December, that's the month my sister leave and to drop it. I didn't get any reply thought Ok but what about the fact you don't want to get close or become serious? Like I said before, you seem almost angry that after months of dating, he's developing feelings and wants to get closer which is perfectly reasonable after months of dating Which you clearly said, almost angrily, you DON'T want. Don't you see this whole issue about him coming to yours is just a symptom of the MUCH larger issue? That being you have a genuine fear of intimacy and closeness with another human being (in this case him) when in a relationship. Deal with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moomooland Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 2 minutes ago, Jaunty said: You CANNOT ask somebody you're just in a casual sex deal with to wait unti December for anything. I understand it's not a formal relationship, I also have the right to refuse him or allow him in my home whenever I'm ready and I'm not ready for that until December. I don't expect him to wait or anything he's free to walk away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moomooland Posted July 4, 2023 Author Share Posted July 4, 2023 12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Ok but what about the fact you don't want to get close or become serious? Like I said before, you seem almost angry that after months of dating, he's developing feelings which you clearly said you DON'T want. Don't you see this whole issue about him coming to yours is just a symptom of the MUCH larger issue? That being you have a genuine fear of intimacy and closeness with another human when in a relationship. I am little upset because what we have is great, no expectations, no commitment, I don't see why we need to get closer. I also think that if I let someone into my home, I might actually start develop feelings. I don't want that, it's scary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 32 minutes ago, moomooland said: I have set my boundaries, I texted him and told him that he needs to wait until December, that's the month my sister leave and to drop it. I didn't get any reply thought That's ok. If you have family living with you in a small apartment for the next few months, you don't really have the privacy for intimacy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 26 minutes ago, moomooland said: I am little upset because what we have is great, no expectations, no commitment, I don't see why we need to get closer. Well I hope you understand that for many many people the need to be closer and for emotional intimacy within a relationship is a very reasonable need. It's nothing that you should be upset or angry at him about. Three months is pretty much the time when this need begins to surface. Again it's not unreasonable. Frankly I think your reaction to it (angry, upset) is a bit unreasonable but that's your right I suppose. In any event, this is why it's been advised you end it with him. He wants more, you want less. Don't fault him for that, what he's wanting/needing is a basic human need. Just end it in a respectful way and find a man who shares your desire/need for casual, non-commtted, and emotional distance. There are plenty of men out there like this. You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and it just won't work. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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