Argued with boyfriend because of best friend

[mia5]

I'm in a Ldr for 9 years. We used to live together partly when my Boyfriend had job in my place and later when he went back to his country i was going there. 

So i made plans to visit him and spend few weeks there. I have lots of things in his place, we made it as our home. Told him that i invited my best friend to come there ,too, after he will go to a business trip and we would spend two weeks in his city together. He said ok. After i told him on what date my friend is coming, he mentioned that his trip can be postponed for one week and asked if I'm okay with him staying in the apartment while my friend is there also or if i want him to go to his mom. I said it's okay. Meanwhile, i got info from work that i need to be back to office earlier. Before getting that information, my friend already bought her ticket, non refundable. 

When i told my boyfriend that i can come in two days, withmy car , and my friend will come one week later by plane , and we will have to go back 3 days later,  his reaction shocked me. 

He asked in a higher ton of voice fee time if my friend will come for only 3 days! He then mentioned that he can go stay at his mother, who lives few km from there, for my friend to stay longer, since i have to go.

I was going to drive 850 km to meet with him and if i accepted his proposal, i would have to drive 850 km back alone once again, and to live my friend to spend time alone (or with him) in a city that she doesn't know anyone else but him.

As he was arguing about why she will come and have to leave in 3 days, i felt as if I'm talking to her boyfriend and not mine. 

I started arguing on the phone with him and he accused me that i don't trust him which can mean that i would do something on his place. He said that he only offered so because of respect for me, cause she is my best friend. 

I then wrote him a message that he made me feel as if my friend's desire for fun and travel is more a priority to him, and that he didn't though twice about asking me to drive back all that road alone so he argued about how it is for her. 

Normally I know that he wanted to discuss some business with my friend's new boyfriend and my friend is postponing that topic so that can be the reason why he wanted to spend more time with her. But it could have been done in those 3 days. 

He never showed interest in her before, except once many years ago, when i was with her on a trip in his town, and whole day he was paying attention to her, and made me feel like a third wheel. 

He did the same on a date with my best friend and her new boyfriend one month ago, almost all night talking to her, and each time first making "cheers" with her.

I blamed him for putting me after my friend with his plan, and that I'm not gonna go to him. 

His response was that I'm crazy, silly.

And now 3 days he hasn't  contacted me. 

I don't know if i overreacted, but i think that him telling me to go back alone and my friend to stay there, is not a normal even in marriages and not in this type of relationship. 

I feel taken for granted. 

I know i was telling him so much about how guys are treating my friend, it was my friend's idea, she said that she tells aboute same to her dates, so that they would treat her better. I think i raised curiosity in him with the stories. Nothing changed for the better, except that he tried to give her a better treatment. And she used to like him in the past, and has done some things that don't make me feel comfortable for her to be alone with my boyfriend. 

As i said on the beginning, we're together for 9 years, we've gone through a lot, and i am shocked of his priorities.

He's now giving me the silent treatment because he doesn't want to accept the fault. 

Please give me opinion on this issue. Is this serious as i felt it or am i overreacting?

[Cherylyn]

If he continues no contact and gives you the silent treatment,  it's his way of telling you that he doesn't want to communicate with you.  If he continues to ignore you,  your relationship is going downhill fast and you will know what the ultimate result will be.

[mia5]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If he continues no contact and gives you the silent treatment,  it's his way of telling you that he doesn't want to communicate with you.  If he continues to ignore you,  your relationship is going downhill fast and you will know what the ultimate result will be.

Thank you on your response. That is his way, many times in the past he gave me the silent treatment. Normally i was pushing and at the end sometimes even apologize for the whole argument just not to lose him. That's my mistake. I only gave him the same treatment once few months ago for 3 days and he went crazy. He then acknowledged how much he had hurt me when he was ignoring me in the past. 

Now he's doing it again. While i feel that he should be finding ways to make me forgive him. 

He will probably contact me few days later, with hope i will not be mad anymore but i feel so offended by his plan.

I'm controlling myself not to contact him because what is the point of me trying to fix what he broke?

Is it normal for a man to say your friend can stay, you go if you have to work?

I feel shocked to hear this after all we've been through. 

[smackie9]

Stonewalling is just one more brick in the wall. It's poor communication, it's immature, and hurtful. You both need to lighten up. Don't be so aggressive in your approach and be patient, and he needs to acknowledge and be respectful when you wish to communicate. 

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, mia5 said:

Thank you on your response. That is his way, many times in the past he gave me the silent treatment. Normally i was pushing and at the end sometimes even apologize for the whole argument just not to lose him. That's my mistake. I only gave him the same treatment once few months ago for 3 days and he went crazy. He then acknowledged how much he had hurt me when he was ignoring me in the past. 

Now he's doing it again. While i feel that he should be finding ways to make me forgive him. 

He will probably contact me few days later, with hope i will not be mad anymore but i feel so offended by his plan.

I'm controlling myself not to contact him because what is the point of me trying to fix what he broke?

Is it normal for a man to say your friend can stay, you go if you have to work?

I feel shocked to hear this after all we've been through. 

Not contacting you and not having a calm, mature preferably in person or phone call type conversation is a form of control over you and the relationship.  It's either his way or no way.  He is manipulating the relationship to his favor.  He is unfair. 

Instead of resolving issues in a very respectful,  emotionally intelligent way (empathy),  I've had some people go no contact,  ignore,  block me,  unfriend me and the worst?  Hung up on me during my mid-sentence during a verbal phone conversation.  😡  Whenever anyone dares to insult me to the core like that,  I'm so done with them.  I no longer waste my time,  energy,  labor and resources on said person.  They obviously don't value me nor treat me as if I matter so why should I be good to them?  I'm out.  Finished.  I prefer to surround myself with very moral people who know how to treat me right.  Trust is absolutely DEAD. 

[mia5]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Stonewalling is just one more brick in the wall. It's poor communication, it's immature, and hurtful. You both need to lighten up. Don't be so aggressive in your approach and be patient, and he needs to acknowledge and be respectful when you wish to communicate. 

Exactly. But he should be the one to contact me. He could have even bought a ticket and come here after this disrespectful plan. I didn't expected this ignoring. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, mia5 said:

I'm in a Ldr for 9 years. We used to live together partly when my Boyfriend had job in my place and later when he went back to his country

How far apart are you? How often do you see each other? 

Please consider setting yourself free to date local men you can see regularly and build a relationship with.

There's too many communication issue and it seems to be a lot of headaches and heartaches rather than a satisfying relationship that is going anywhere.

[mia5]

I mean, the last message came from him and no contacting afterwards. But the message was him shortly blaming me that i am crazy. So i think that doesn't deserve response. 

I already wrote him how he made me feel. 

If it was up to him, in 10 days i would have been driving 850km back by myself, to risk my life, and to then work like crazy while my friend is having fun there, and him accommodating her. She used to talk to me how she would live in my place. That she would sleep with him and wouldn't care what he does because she would use him for the house, to stay there for free and go all day in the high class places around to meet other men. So it's normal for me to not want to let her stay without me. Even married people don't do this, right?

[mia5]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How far apart are you? How often do you see each other? 

Please consider setting yourself free to date local men you can see regularly and build a relationship with.

There's too many communication issue and it seems to be a lot of headaches and heartaches rather than a satisfying relationship that is going anywhere.

We're 1 hour by plane , 12 hours by car.  We use to see each other half of the time, like 3 weeks he was here, then goes and comes two weeks later. That was when he had business in my country. He closed that business. I stayed without a job for 3 years to be able to go often to him. I have 2 kids from previous marriage and couldn't move in his country because of that. I want to keep this relationship. 

He separated completely from his wife this year, but told me even if he divorce he's not planning to marry again. He said that both our marriages failed and he doesn't believe in marriage anymore. 

Then he said that he was on that road but i pushed him and break us for not being patient. So i continued to be patient and not to open that topic. 

Marriage is not my priority too, but building a life with a man is, so i opened the topic about ending the distance. He told me slowly it will get smaller. I know that I should maybe not put effort in this relationship, according to others, men find me very attractive and I can find myself someone else, but i love him so much and i believe he loves me too, just under his conditions. 

[mia5]

We've gone through ups and downs. He has done a lot for me, and so have i in return. 

So I'm shocked that he dared to argue with me about the feelings of my friend and expected me to let them have fun while I work.

How would any of you react if your partner suggests for a friend to stay longer in his home, and spend time possibly with him ,without you?

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, mia5 said:

 I stayed without a job for 3 years to be able to go often to him. I have 2 kids from previous marriage 

He separated completely from his wife this year, but told me even if he divorce he's not planning to marry again. 

He's still legally married? He's abusive on top of this having no potential.

Please focus on your and your children's wellbeing. Are you employed now? Are your children receiving child support and do they see their father?

Please read up on abusive relationships and talk to trusted friends and family about your situation.

[boltnrun]

Wait, he's married? And trying to have something with your friend AND with you?

What a mess. 

[mia5]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's still legally married? He's abusive on top of this having no potential.

Please focus on your and your children's wellbeing. Are you employed now? Are your children receiving child support and do they see their father?

Please read up on abusive relationships and talk to trusted friends and family about your situation.

My ex husband has played me in the court so kids were only my obligation. My boyfriend was more like a father to my kids in the past. He was buying them all they needed, always the best of everything, teach them to swim, to play sports, talk to them about life, always advising them on everything. Taking them to hospitals. He was there for my kids. 

[mia5]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Wait, he's married? And trying to have something with your friend AND with you?

What a mess. 

Well i cannot tell for sure what was his idea when he suggested for her to stay. He was normally talking against her in the past, now wanted to discuss about partnership with both of us, and the man that my friend is dating. Can it be the only reason, i truly hope. But once again, I think that just as he wouldn't like it if i go with my friend in the city of her boyfriend, and if my friend's boyfriend gave a proposal as his, i found his idea insulting for me, and as if he forgot whose feelings should he be thinking about. 

 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, mia5 said:

Told him that i invited my best friend to come there ,too, after he will go to a business trip and we would spend two weeks in his city together. He said ok. After i told him on what date my friend is coming, he mentioned that his trip can be postponed for one week and asked if I'm okay with him staying in the apartment while my friend is there also or if i want him to go to his mom. I said it's okay. Meanwhile, i got info from work that i need to be back to office earlier. Before getting that information, my friend already bought her ticket, non refundable. 

When i told my boyfriend that i can come in two days, withmy car , and my friend will come one week later by plane , and we will have to go back 3 days later,  his reaction shocked me. 

He asked in a higher ton of voice fee time if my friend will come for only 3 days! He then mentioned that he can go stay at his mother, who lives few km from there, for my friend to stay longer, since i have to go.

I was going to drive 850 km to meet with him and if i accepted his proposal, i would have to drive 850 km back alone once again, and to live my friend to spend time alone (or with him) in a city that she doesn't know anyone else but him.

Okay, I see this as circumstances beyond anyone's control.

And imo, YOU have some deep rooted issue's that stem from long ago. 😕 .

Inside, do you not trust him .. or them?  

Can she not drive back with you when you go back home? 

I guess how you're seeing this is he sounds a little 'too excited' over her going to visit?

[Kwothe28]

Wait? You are in  LDR for 9 years and he wasnt divorced until last year? Was this an affair?

Also why are you shocked at his priorities then? When his priority was affair and not his marriage? Just because you were the affair doesnt make it any less telling how his priorities always were.

[mia5]

19 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, I see this as circumstances beyond anyone's control.

And imo, YOU have some deep rooted issue's that stem from long ago. 😕 .

Inside, do you not trust him .. or them?  

Can she not drive back with you when you go back home? 

I guess how you're seeing this is he sounds a little 'too excited' over her going to visit?

Yes, i don't trust her normally because she was showing her jealousy in the past for my relationship, even in the first year she asked me to come out with us few times for her ex to see her with my boyfriend and to think that it is her boyfriend. Of course i didn't allow it to happen. She also literally made herself a whole story about how she would behave if she was in a relationship with my boyfriend, how she would enjoy and just financially use him. She told me all the details about how she would be in a relationship with him, few years ago.

Normally i would say i don't trust her only,  cause before this mutual cooperation idea, my boyfriend was asking me to not spend that much time with her, but now , you're right,  he sounds somehow "too exited " over her visit.

I wonder if the stories which are not even half true,  i learned later, about how other men treat my friend as if all they lost their mind over her, has raised curiosity in him maybe?

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, mia5 said:

 was more like a father to my kids in the past. 

He no longer does business in your area. You are living in the past. He's still a married man who sleeps around. Please don't chase men who treat you this badly.

[SooSad33]

3 minutes ago, mia5 said:

Yes, i don't trust her normally because she was showing her jealousy in the past for my relationship, even in the first year she asked me to come out with us few times for her ex to see her with my boyfriend and to think that it is her boyfriend. Of course i didn't allow it to happen. She also literally made herself a whole story about how she would live if she was in a relationship with my boyfriend, how she would enjoy and just financially use him.

Geeze!  Does he know this?

As for her, I feel bad you'd actually think on inviting her to his place. Is just too much stress & tension.

Not sure when this is to happen, but maybe you just have to let it all go.  Not much you can do?

[mia5]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Wait? You are in  LDR for 9 years and he wasnt divorced until last year? Was this an affair?

Also why are you shocked at his priorities then? When his priority was affair and not his marriage? Just because you were the affair doesnt make it any less telling how his priorities always were.

No. He was living with me. 3 weeks together, 2 weeks home. Then 3 months together, one month him home. And he was present in my life, and in my kids life. Treated me as priority, as a queen. I never asked anything from him but he did spend a whole fortune on me.

He was making me breakfast while i was doing my makeup in the morning,  then he would go to office,  call me few hours later and ask me if i want to go to eat outside or him to cook for me at home. When i would mention anything, he was always taking it as priority. From smallest to biggest. 

He bankrupted few years ago and everyone thought i will leave him, but i love him. He was spending so much on me and i could have bought a beautiful house if i wasn't throwing the money like that. 

So i used to be priority and it's normal that now, when i accepted lower effort from his side, and live and earn as if i don't have a man, so i expect even more respect, and not to be put on last place. 

[mia5]

6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Geeze!  Does he know this?

As for her, I feel bad you'd actually think on inviting her to his place. Is just too much stress & tension.

Not sure when this is to happen, but maybe you just have to let it all go.  Not much you can do?

He doesn't know it.

I guess i was manipulated by her, she was saying that she always tells the men she dates about how good my boyfriend is treating me, so that they will treat her same way. And she was saying i should also talk to my boyfriend as if men are also doing soo much for her, and he would keep his behavior towards me in the same way. I did so, and saw no difference in my boyfriend behavior towards me, just towards her like more respect and admiring, and some curiosity.

I invited her to come join me when he was going to leave to a business trip in a far country. Then he postponed the trip after learning when she comes, cause he would normally not be able to meet with her, and he probably wanted to talk to her to get phone number from the guy she's dating, but he said as if he's postponing to stay longer with me. And when it turned out i have to go back earlier, he argued that she can stay, about how she would feel to come just for 3 days, since she planned to stay longer, but i also planned to stay longer.

I canceled the trip. 

[mia5]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He no longer does business in your area. You are living in the past. He's still a married man who sleeps around. Please don't chase men who treat you this badly.

He's officially married. For the other things i disagree. 

[SooSad33]

2 minutes ago, mia5 said:

I guess i was manipulated by her, she was saying that she always tells the men she dates about how good my boyfriend is treating me, so that they will treat her same way. And she was saying i should also talk to my boyfriend as if men are also doing soo much for her, and he would keep his behavior towards me in the same way.

I think she's got some issue's.  Not too good on you 😕 .  I removed a toxic 'friend' a cpl years ago, when I realized she was causing issue's with some guy she fancied, and realized he'd hang with me as well - but we were just friends. 

So you cancelled the trip?  Neither of you are going now?  How often do you see him?  Does he go your way as well?

[smackie9]

This will blow over just like other times. Your friend goes home, the dust settles. Everything goes back to normal. 

[mia5]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I think she's got some issue's.  Not too good on you 😕 .  I removed a toxic 'friend' a cpl years ago, when I realized she was causing issue's with some guy she fancied, and realized he'd hang with me as well - but we were just friends. 

So you cancelled the trip?  Neither of you are going now?  How often do you see him?  Does he go your way as well?

You're right she's got issues. 

Normally I know for some unfair things that she has done to me, and I'm being more protective, i am aware that she's jealous of me and not a 100% good friend. One guy that i dated shortly before this relationship who knew me through her was telling me that she's not a good friend of mine. I didn't trust his words and he showed me how he was texting with her asking her about me, and she was belittling me and lying that I'm running after some other guy. I learned from few man that she belittled me in the past for them to not be interested in me. But this was many years ago. But even though i know that she is a friend whom i cannot totally trust, she is my longest friend and i don't have many female friends, somehow women behave jealous and as threatened in my presence so I'm mostly surrounded by male friends. 

With the years i learned that most of the male friends had some hopes for something more, so i don't expect that I'm going to find some pure friend now.

My boyfriend wanted to come here this month, but i wanted to go there so i told him to wait for me there.

Now last thing i wrote him is that i don't come.