Is my ex circling back or genuinely just apologizing?

[ATM]

I just would like to hear opinions on this. There was this girl I dated briefly in college. It was sort of a whirlwind romance. It took off quickly, we kissed, spent tons of time together, I heard the normal spill on how I was different from all other guys, etc.. well, it didn’t take long and the relationship sort of had a slow death. Her texts became less, the physical touch diminished, her interest had clearly shifted. She then broke up with me, which I was expecting. It was such a short relationship, I never thought I’d hear back from her. I definitely didn’t think I’d hear a peep from her again, when I saw she was dating another guy according to social media, only a week after we split. She clearly left me, for him. Which is completely fine and I don’t harbor resentment over such a brief college relationship. It happens. 
 

Fast forward and I see her again in public. It was a chance encounter that I didn’t see coming, so I just smiled and said “hey, how are you” and kept walking. She looked uncomfortable sort and also kept walking. Anyway, that night I see I have a DM on Instagram from her saying: “sorry I didn’t really speak today.” I replied and just said that it was okay and I hoped life had treated her well. Here’s the reply that makes me wonder what her intentions truly are “Thanks love. Same to you. I truly am sorry for everything that happened and I hope you don’t hold it against me.” 
 

Maybe it was rude, but  just haven’t replied. If it’s a genuine benign apology, then I’ll accept. I just didn’t want to lead her on and make her think we can rekindle.. but could it be her attempting to restart things? I wonder if the guy she ran to, didn’t work out so well. 

[Andrina]

I don't think she wants to rekindle. It's her way of relieving her conscience, even as she didn't really do anything wrong. She just feels bad that she knew you would've wanted to continue, but she wants to sow her wild oats.

Her message doesn't require a response. There's ethically no right or wrong here, so the decision to reply or not is totally up to you.

[Kwothe28]

One thing I learned about apologies is that people are rarely trully sorry for their action. Its mostly after they receive the consequences of their action or its about them. Its never really about you because if they are really sorry, they wouldnt do it in the first place. For example, why should she be sorry here? OK she possibly cheated(you dont know that for sure) but in the end you just know that she broke up with you and immediately started dating other guy. She would probably do it in a heartbeat again.

No, this is about her first and foremost. If ex contacts you to apologize its always about them, not you. Dont think she want to reconcile though. 

[MissCanuck]

I think she's just trying to soothe her own guilt. 

I wouldn't read any further into it, nor would I bother replying. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ATM said:

, that night I see I have a DM on Instagram from her. I wonder if the guy she ran to, didn’t work out so well. 

Trust your instincts. Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons. Just got dumped, bored, lonely, etc . Just let it go.

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, ATM said:

Maybe it was rude, but  just haven’t replied. If it’s a genuine benign apology, then I’ll accept. I just didn’t want to lead her on and make her think we can rekindle.. but could it be her attempting to restart things? I wonder if the guy she ran to, didn’t work out so well. 

My guess is you're reading too much into this.  After all, she dumped you after receiving a better offer, and the fact that past behaviour is the strongest indicator of future behaviour, why give this a second thought?

It's your call, but she made her bed...

[SooSad33]

I see this as an attempt to lessen the uneasiness.  She only did it because you ran into each other today.

Reaching out to say hello w/ an apology doesn't mean much - more to just ease their guilt.

She dumped you : fact.  You don't invite that back 😉 .

Now, all is done, you move on , as she did.

 

[catfeeder]

I wouldn’t read anything into it beyond face value. She didn’t include any suggestion to meet and catch up. I’d file this under ‘blip on radar’ and forget about it.

[Cherylyn]

I doubt she wants to rekindle.  She was just giving you closure to ease her conscience and make it right with you.  It wasn't a real apology though.  She's not taking responsibility for anything she had done.  She was just offering you her regrets that the relationship did not have a positive outcome and that she doesn't want you to blame her for it.  To me,  she isn't taking ownership for the relationship's demise.  I'll chime in with not bothering to reply. 

People have wronged me sorely and if they responded the way your ex-girlfriend did,  I'd ignore because a real humble,  sincere apology would've specified the transgression as opposed to a vague, half-_________   regret statement.   Also,  a real thorough apology is done in person,  not via text which is cowardly,  safe and convenient for the wrongdoer. 

Should you cross paths in public in the future,  act natural,  say, "Hello" but don't go further than that.  Don't say, "I hope all is well with you,"  blah,  blah,  blah.  None of that.  Just keep moving along and don't look back.  Be polite,  yes,  but don't engage.

Don't entertain the idea of rekindling because she dumped you and I'd be risk adverse if I were you.  She could very well dump you again.  Once was enough.  Keep moving forward. 

[Batya33]

Here is how I knew my ex wanted to get back together. It wasn’t when he called me to ask if I wanted to meet for lunch to catch up (we’d met for one quick meal over a year earlier and before that we’d had limited contact for over 6 years). It wasn’t when over the next three weeks he asked to see me two more times. All platonic. Did I hope it was a sign ? You bet. Did I believe it was ?  Didn’t let myself go there. How I knew ?  The third time we met he said “do you want to get back together”.  That is how I knew.  That is how I stayed reasonable - because when it comes to that situation anything less than simple and direct like that - treat it as completely irrelevant. 
by contrast I was “dumped “ by a man I was crazy about after five months of dating. He wasn’t in love.  Into me enough. One or two days later he had a gorgeous bouquet of flowers delivered to my home. With a note saying basically how he was sorry and I was great /awesome etc. I excitedly called my good friend. In fact I’d just booked plane tickets to go see her the next day. I love how she treated it and me. She said gently and diplomatically- no. He doesn’t want you back.  He just does want to be in good terms and he feels guilty.  Over the next few months he contacted me a few times to hang out and hook up.
 

And I did once.  Mistake.  6 months later he met his future wife.  He was never married and 40 and a past player. She was much more attractive than me. And younger.  And I was so so happy I’d mostly followed my friend’s advice and not read into the flowers. Yes I fooled around with him one more time but never again. 

I highly suggest unless she says she wants to be with you exclusively and her reasons disregard all else. 

[smackie9]

I think she does feels bad for what she did. People tend to mature as time passes, reflect on their mistakes, and regret their actions. Running into you made her take that opportunity to apologize. Why I say this? Because I did the same thing in my young/stupid past. Been in her shoes. And if I ever have the opportunity to run into anyone I did that too, I would apologize even if it was over 40 years ago. 

I doubt she's that young selfish person anymore. I also doubt she's looking to rekindle. There is nothing to respond to. 

[boltnrun]

You posted two threads about this same situation.

Are you sure you're not actually hoping she wants to reconcile? 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I think she does feels bad for what she did. People tend to mature as time passes, reflect on their mistakes, and regret their actions. Running into you made her take that opportunity to apologize. Why I say this? Because I did the same thing in my young/stupid past. Been in her shoes. And if I ever have the opportunity to run into anyone I did that too, I would apologize even if it was over 40 years ago. 

I doubt she's that young selfish person anymore. I also doubt she's looking to rekindle. There is nothing to respond to. 

This world would be a better place if more people had a conscience,  remorse and felt guilty.   Your ex-girlfriend's vague apology was better than nothing I suppose.  🙄  However,  after hurts and pains,  generally some people are risk adverse and don't wish to gamble getting hurt again.  In my case learning the hard way once and more than once was my folly.  Live and learn.  😕 

I'm actually in a situation where my sister actually contacted some mutual people whom we know in order to get back into my good graces to no avail.  Where's the apology?  There will never be any.  ☹️But, it's "Look at me!  Aren't I nice and caring?  Aren't I a good person?"  Uhhh, that would be a no as in hell NO.  Some people want to suck you back into their life by hoovering you like a vacuum cleaner,  love bombing (flattery,  compliments,  give "help") and breadcrumbing by giving you little bits and doses of random contact just to keep you hanging on and hooking you.  What they're doing is baiting you like a fish.  It's really insulting.  I just ignore and discard. 

OP, @ATM,  Not that your ex-girlfriend was doing this to you but I'm telling you all the tricks of some shady people.  I'd keep moving forward in your life. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I think she does feels bad for what she did. People tend to mature as time passes, reflect on their mistakes, and regret their actions. Running into you made her take that opportunity to apologize. Why I say this? Because I did the same thing in my young/stupid past. Been in her shoes. And if I ever have the opportunity to run into anyone I did that too, I would apologize even if it was over 40 years ago. 

I doubt she's that young selfish person anymore. I also doubt she's looking to rekindle. There is nothing to respond to. 

@smackie9Your remorse is admirable and your intentions to apologize in person is commendable.  I agree,  emotionally intelligent people (those with empathy) are mature enough to think long and hard regarding what they've done to hurt someone.  For some people,  sometimes it takes the same or similar offense or worse to happen to them in order for the pain to resonate and fully comprehend what they had done to another person in their past.  

For me,  I generally apologize immediately because I've been in situations where apologies were never forthcoming in a million years which feels painfully disgusting to put it mildly.  I prefer to make amends right away so relationships can resume sound footing once more.  I don't like long and drawn out resentment and bitterness.  I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of transgressions so I try to give people common decency and common courtesy fairly quickly.  I don't allow wounds to fester.  That's just me though.  Now for those who've wronged me sorely?  There's ZERO accountability and humble,  sincere apologies?  Ha!  That's laughable 🤣  and only in my dreams.  😴

[rainbowsandroses]

Another possibility to consider.  

Not knowing how long ago you broke up, it's possible she's grown, matured, evolved and looking back at your relationship, feels remorseful for her role in the way things went down at the end. 

Running into you again spontaneously may have caught her off guard, she became nervous and uncomfortable and without thinking, continued walking.   Not her best day, that's for sure. 

Now, it IS possible seeing you again created a spark in her.  This has and does happen a lot and people get back together after YEARS apart.

I read @Batya33story about her and her now-husband, which is a perfect example.  He was quite direct in asking her to get back together.

However women typically are NOT that direct.  They are indirect and will send what are known as "feeler texts" to gauge how the guy might be feeling.  

That may possibly be what this was, a feeler text. 

I've done it and know other women who have too.  It's less of a risk in case you're NOT interested.  She will be able to determine your interest by how you reply assuming you choose to reply at all. 

If you don't, that's her answer. 

Again, just another possibility to consider, that's all. 

 

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

However women typically are NOT that direct.  They are indirect and will send what are known as "feeler texts" to gauge how the guy might be feeling.  

That may possibly be what this was, a feeler text. 

I've done it and know other women who have too.  It's less of a risk in case you're NOT interested.  She will be able to determine your interest by how you reply assuming you choose to reply at all. 

If you don't, that's her answer. 

Again, just another possibility to consider, that's all. 

 

 

 

 

I agree,  it's less of a risk in case you're not interested.  Even though it's less of a risk,  it also lacks the integrity to be more forthright,  lucid and clear as to exactly what they're sorry for but that's ok since a vague apology is better than no apology I guess.  It's better than nothing.  Sometimes you have to take what you can get in this life because if crumbs are all they're offering,  it's all you'll get. 

Personally,  I don't like feeler texts because it makes me feel instantly suspicious as if there's an ulterior motive because it is abnormal behavior.  There's something about that person which doesn't ring true.   It feels as if they're playing games and head trips with me which I do not like.  It feels tricky because it is.  It infuriates me to be tested.  I would say it feels very insulting.  I prefer someone to say they're sorry and tell me why  they're sorry as opposed to going about it in a round about way which is complicated and confusing and I don't enjoy feeling confused.  No guessing games for me.  Either tell it like it is or they're a permanent discard.   

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Another possibility to consider.  

Not knowing how long ago you broke up, it's possible she's grown, matured, evolved and looking back at your relationship, feels remorseful for her role in the way things went down at the end. 

Running into you again spontaneously may have caught her off guard, she became nervous and uncomfortable and without thinking, continued walking.   Not her best day, that's for sure. 

Now, it IS possible seeing you again created a spark in her.  This has and does happen a lot and people get back together after YEARS apart.

I read @Batya33story about her and her now-husband, which is a perfect example.  He was quite direct in asking her to get back together.

However women typically are NOT that direct.  They are indirect and will send what are known as "feeler texts" to gauge how the guy might be feeling.  

That may possibly be what this was, a feeler text. 

I've done it and know other women who have too.  It's less of a risk in case you're NOT interested.  She will be able to determine your interest by how you reply assuming you choose to reply at all. 

If you don't, that's her answer. 

Again, just another possibility to consider, that's all. 

 

 

 

 

A woman might not ask to get back together as that’s like asking a man out. I actually did ask my now husband to get back together a month or so after we cancelled our wedding. We met for dinner and I asked him directly. He said no. But even if not the actual question a person who wants to be exclusive with another person never wants to risk it being too late - that the person might have a new partner.  
So a woman might say “I’d Like to see you so we can talk things over “ or “can we meet up when you have time “.  In this situation I think there’s next to no chance this person is interested in getting back together exclusively with the OP.  And I mean interested at a level to do the hard work it takes to get back together.  

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

A woman might not ask to get back together as that’s like asking a man out. I actually did ask my now husband to get back together a month or so after we cancelled our wedding. We met for dinner and I asked him directly. He said no. But even if not the actual question a person who wants to be exclusive with another person never wants to risk it being too late - that the person might have a new partner.  
So a woman might say “I’d Like to see you so we can talk things over “ or “can we meet up when you have time “.  In this situation I think there’s next to no chance this person is interested in getting back together exclusively with the OP.  And I mean interested at a level to do the hard work it takes to get back together.  

You see?  You were very honest and direct which is commendable.  No mind games.  👍

[smackie9]

52 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

@smackie9Your remorse is admirable and your intentions to apologize in person is commendable.  I agree,  emotionally intelligent people (those with empathy) are mature enough to think long and hard regarding what they've done to hurt someone.  For some people,  sometimes it takes the same or similar offense or worse to happen to them in order for the pain to resonate and fully comprehend what they had done to another person in their past.  

For me,  I generally apologize immediately because I've been in situations where apologies were never forthcoming in a million years which feels painfully disgusting to put it mildly.  I prefer to make amends right away so relationships can resume sound footing once more.  I don't like long and drawn out resentment and bitterness.  I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of transgressions so I try to give people common decency and common courtesy fairly quickly.  I don't allow wounds to fester.  That's just me though.  Now for those who've wronged me sorely?  There's ZERO accountability and humble,  sincere apologies?  Ha!  That's laughable 🤣  and only in my dreams.  😴

When you are young and stupid you don't think of that until the clouds of immaturity lift. High school/college, still learning about life and how the world doesn't revolve around you. I was blinded by pure selfish desire....and this ex was too. possibly never had so much attention she didn't know how to handle it. They were not together that long, low investment on her part...it happens. If she didn't see him, she wouldn't have reached out. She reached out because she understood what she did, and wanted to let him know that she acknowledged how bad her behavior was. I can't see any other motive. She said her peace, and didn't ask from anything from him. Nothing shady there. 

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, ATM said:

If it’s a genuine benign apology, then I’ll accept.

I think it's a genuine, benign apology. 

[Cherylyn]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

When you are young and stupid you don't think of that until the clouds of immaturity lift. High school/college, still learning about life and how the world doesn't revolve around you. I was blinded by pure selfish desire....and this ex was too. possibly never had so much attention she didn't know how to handle it. They were not together that long, low investment on her part...it happens. If she didn't see him, she wouldn't have reached out. She reached out because she understood what she did, and wanted to let him know that she acknowledged how bad her behavior was. I can't see any other motive. She said her peace, and didn't ask from anything from him. Nothing shady there. 

The shady part was testing people instead of stating one's intentions or non-intentions.  I have a sister who is vague and unclear out of the blue after 1.5 years of estrangement.  In fact, she texted my husband yesterday to "help" him in order to get back into my good graces to no avail.  I don't like abnormal behavior which is confusing,  complicated and you're left playing guessing games.  One becomes suspicious of ulterior motives whenever a person deliberately does not articulate.  To me,  there's something tricky about this type of dishonest behavior. 

Not saying that his ex-girlfriend is reminiscent of my sister.  I agree with you,  as you grow up,  you mature and had time to ruminate about what you had done to alienate others.  In some cases,  you've since tasted your own medicine in order to fully comprehend.  You have to get hurt by someone else in order to realize what you had done to hurt those from your past.  You place yourself in other people's shoes.  Empathy is finally learned.  If remorse sets in,  then great.  Sometimes it's too little,  too late though.  However,  a vague apology or saying her piece was better than nothing.  Better to receive a nugget than less than dust. 

[rainbowsandroses]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In this situation I think there’s next to no chance this person is interested in getting back together exclusively with the OP.  And I mean interested at a level to do the hard work it takes to get back together.  

You could be right, you could be wrong.  Unless we are mind readers, no one knows but her.  It's all speculation at this point. 

There is no one or even two or three "correct" ways to ask someone to get back together.  Everyone will have their own way of embarking on this depending on comfort level, their personality /nature etc. 

The way I see it and granted, I don't know just tossing it out as a possibility, they haven't talked in ages, so in her mind, it starts with a feeler text.  If he responds, they begin chatting and "feel" each other and the situation out.  

If it appears something is still "there," she will then ask him to get back together.

I think it's totally unrealistic to expect that after years of NC, she is suddenly gonna reach out and directly ask him to get back together or words to that effect. 

Again she needs to feel him and the situation out, to determine if something is stll there between them. 

This has and does happen, a lot.  I’ve seen it and experienced it.   There is nothing nefarious about it imo.

But once again in this case,  I don't know, just tossing it out as another possibility for OP to consider.

[shouldhavelearned]

Maybe she got treated the way she treated you.

 

If you're past it, why just respond politely and let it go.

[Batya33]

41 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There is no one or even two or three "correct" ways to ask someone to get back together.  Everyone will have their own way of embarking on this depending on comfort level, their personality /nature etc. 

I totally agree.  That has nothing to do with what I wrote.  I think in this situation there is almost no chance her message has anything to do with getting back together.  There is no correct way of course.  It's individual.  What I think is universally true is reasonably healthy people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  I think people who want to be with another person especially get back together will take actions that are consistent with not wanting to risk waiting too long/losing their chance -if they really want to move towards the pleasure of getting back together.  Therefore vague typed words/ indirect actions are not consistent with these general human truths.  My strong opinion in this situation is he should absolutely not read into this any intention of wanting to get back together. 

I think people choose connection over fear/comfort level when they are 100% into wanting to reconnect/get back together.  With rare exception.  (And we sure did -both of us).  And it's also my strong opinion that if the desire to get back together and do the work is not at 100% -don't bother.

[rainbowsandroses]

Xxx