Kenice Grant Posted June 29, 2023 Author Share Posted June 29, 2023 Just now, Cherylyn said: Yes, I'm an American. I agree with you. American culture does indeed make me think differently and I'm glad for it. 🙂 Thank you for your kind words. 💗 No problem. If I do decide to stay I’ll just have to get accustomed to the culture here. The men here thinks very differently from my home. They are very mature over here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 17 minutes ago, Kenice Grant said: I do wish to stay, I can’t go back to my home country with my baby girl cause we’ll both struggle. But do you have a choice? Your tourist visa must be expired now, since you've been here 6 months. You certainly will not get an extension on that (you probably are not qualified for one since you already were here on a different tourist visa in 2021 - 222 evidently - even if you have not overstayed this current one) and no way EVER be granted a work visa much less a green card if you overstayed. Don't you think you need to get back to your country before you are in violation? For the record I am on your side, I am not against immigrants, but it seems like you are in a tricky situation where you may be risking your daughters chances of growing up in the USA. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 6 hours ago, Kenice Grant said: ...I just feel as if though he’s being nonchalant towards the situation and inconsiderate. Any suggestions. What, specifically, are you asking from him that he won't give you? Are you expecting a guy you've dated 6 months to allow you and your daughter to move into his home? If so, that's an awfully big ask, especially when you don't have a concrete exit plan where you could both agree exactly how long this would be. Six months is new enough to still be a testing ground for a new relationship. Putting that kind of pressure on it could sink it very quickly, and then you'd all be miserable and trapped. I'd rethink such a request if you actually value the guy beyond what he can do for you. Head high, and I hope you can work through this difficult time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kenice Grant Posted June 30, 2023 Author Share Posted June 30, 2023 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Whatever the situation is, focus on your visa and residency if you wish to stay. See if you can go to social services and get help, since your daughter is a citizen. This could help you with food stamps, housing, employment opportunities, healthcare and other things you and your daughter may need and be eligible for. Do you want to go back to your home country or her father? Do you have other family there or here? Figure out what the most feasible and desirable outcome would be for you and your daughter as far as building a future and life in the US. This BF may not want to live with someone or have a built-in family or feel that you're only together hoping for an advenue towards residency. So it's probably better not to hang out with him. I do wish to stay, I can’t go back to my home country with my baby girl cause we’ll both struggle. Everything is very expensive. A bottle of formula is $80. I’m already getting assistance with food stamps and such her, which I am very grateful for. We wouldn’t be eating many days without it. I have family both here and there, but I can’t depend on them. I just want my baby to have a better life than I did and I thought being here would make that happen. Yes, I know he won’t want us around. And that’s fine. I’m not using anyone for a greencard or residency. I will figure it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 6 hours ago, Kenice Grant said: No problem. If I do decide to stay I’ll just have to get accustomed to the culture here. The men here thinks very differently from my home. They are very mature over here. The reality is most men will tell you that your and your child's survival is your financial responsibility. Also, all other responsibilities fall on you. I'm sorry. I hope it works out better for you in your home country and I hope the men are more mature over where you are vs. USA. I will say "maturity" has nothing to do with it. It's about money and will a man end up paying for everything or mostly everything for you and your child until you have a job and have savings? Most men do not want to take care of a single parent and her child. You have to look at it from a man's point of view. Also, he has only known you for 6 months which is short. It's not just about a man wanting his peace and space. There is more to it than that. Even though your partner may not tell you everything, he wants more than peace and living alone. He wants his freedom and he doesn't want to pay for your and your child's living expenses interim and / or during your uncertain future. He doesn't want that type of commitment so it's easier for him to decline even in a vague way by telling you that "he wants you on track with what you want in life, not just go with the flow, it's not because I don't love you nor care for you; it's because I want what's best for you," blah, blah, blah. He's playing you for a fool. 🙄 No sense trying to be polite here. He needs to be more direct because being direct with you is being more honest and sincere. The more honest answer to you would've been: "No, I do not want to take care of you nor your baby. I do not want to be saddled with additional financial responsibilities while you look for a job and save money. Don't bother me. Don't disrupt my life. Take care of yourself and your child. Survive on your own. Figure it out. You and your child are not my problem. Your survival and your baby are your problem. Don't dump anything on me because I DO NOT CARE." That's what he should've told you. The brutal truth is better than words meant for him to sound so smooth and fancy. He's gaslighting you. Instead of saying "NO" to you and truly telling you why, he's making himself look good by deflecting and preaching how he wants the best for you. Give me a break. Your partner is slick. Smooth talking words make you feel good which is a form of deceit. 😒 Don't be naive. This is human nature. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said: Your partner is slick. Do you feel it is otherwise reasonable to ask a partner of 6 months to house a new girlfriend and her baby? 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 Just now, MissCanuck said: Do you feel it is otherwise reasonable to ask a partner of 6 months to house a new girlfriend and her baby? 6 months or not, it's still a big ask. It all boils down to money $$$$$ @MissCanuck and @Kenice Grant That's the harsh reality check. Monetary $urvival. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 7 hours ago, Cherylyn said: 6 months or not, it's still a big ask. It all boils down to money $$$$$ @MissCanuck and @Kenice Grant That's the harsh reality check. Monetary $urvival. No I don't think it does entirely. Even if he were wealthy there are incredible risks and downsides to agreeing to what she's asked. He may not want to be in a parenting role and often that will happen with that arrangement. If he is no longer romantically interested in her having her and her child leave is a huge deal and might have to involve lawyers/courts plus the heavy emotional toll it would take. Sure if he were wealthy AND wanted to spend his $$ on her he could set them up in a separate home. But it's not just about money. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 9 minutes ago, Batya33 said: But it's not just about money. I agree. It's absolutely not just about money. There are plenty of other valid reasons to turn down OP's request, and I don't think it's fair to say this man doesn't care about her. He can care abput her and still not be prepared to open his home to her and her baby, especially given the delicate nature of immigration issues. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 11 hours ago, Kenice Grant said: I’m already getting assistance with food stamps and such her, which I am very grateful for. We wouldn’t be eating many days without it. I have family both here and there, but I can’t depend on them. I just want my baby to have a better life. i will figure it out. It seems like you are already doing a lot to provide a better life for you and your child. All you can do is continue to follow up on your visa/residency and continue to follow up on what your (and your daughters) rights are and what resources are available to you. In the meantime break up with this BF because he's just a distraction that's not going to get you any closer to your goals. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaunty Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 1 hour ago, MissCanuck said: I agree. It's absolutely not just about money. There are plenty of other valid reasons to turn down OP's request, and I don't think it's fair to say this man doesn't care about her. He can care abput her and still not be prepared to open his home to her and her baby, especially given the delicate nature of immigration issues. Agreed. When I look at this situation, unless the OP comes back and clarifies her immigration status, I'm seeing that she's already overstayed her tourist visa and will not be granted an extension. So the man is being asked to take on a legal problem with no clear path to resolution, besides the OP leaving before being deported. That's assuming that your main goal, OP, is to be able to be in the US with your daughter and raise her here. I hope for the best possible outcome for you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 I don't mean this to sound cruel, but very few if any men (or women) would want to have someone with questionable immigration status under their roof. For example even if everything was great and the two of you got married, the scrutiny from immigration officials will be intense. Or he could fear being accused of trafficking you and your daughter. Money is an after thought in all of this. He could cry gold tears and still not want to have this risk hanging over his head. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 7 hours ago, Batya33 said: No I don't think it does entirely. Even if he were wealthy there are incredible risks and downsides to agreeing to what she's asked. He may not want to be in a parenting role and often that will happen with that arrangement. If he is no longer romantically interested in her having her and her child leave is a huge deal and might have to involve lawyers/courts plus the heavy emotional toll it would take. Sure if he were wealthy AND wanted to spend his $$ on her he could set them up in a separate home. But it's not just about money. Even the wealthy are stingy. How do you think they amassed their wealth? Not by being generous. 😒 Most people male or female do not want to house and feed a family for free. Family meaning a parent and child (sometimes even children) not to mention it's rather chaotic going from living peacefully alone to suddenly having a parent and squalling baby 😭 in his small apartment or home. He doesn't want to be saddled with responsibilities, chaos, extra messes, disruption, burden and imposition on his life and finances. He has his own bills to pay, prefers his peace of mind, quiet, freedom and independence. If I were him, I'd actually feel the same way. His relationship with her is conditional. Most people are not rich and live month to month. He does not want to take care of an instant family while she's searching for a job, doesn't have any savings and very financially dependent upon him for her and her baby to eat, have a place to sleep and their very survival. He does not want to carry the load for a household of 3 people. Yes, money gets in the way of all relationships. Economics is a big deal. Money makes the world go round. Love doesn't pay the rent. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 52 minutes ago, Cherylyn said: Even the wealthy are stingy. How do you think they amassed wealth? Not by being generous. Most people male or female do not want to house and feed a family for free. Family meaning a parent and child (sometimes even children) not to mention it's rather chaotic going from living peacefully alone to suddenly having a parent and squalling baby in their small apartment or home. He doesn't want the chaos, disruption, burden and imposition on his life and finances. He has his own bills to pay, wants his peace of mind, quiet, freedom and independence. If I were him, I'd actually feel the same way. His relationship with her is conditional. Most people are not rich and live month to month. He does not want to take care of an instant family while she's searching for a job, doesn't have any savings and very financially dependent on him for her and her baby to eat, have a place to sleep and their very survival. He does not want to carry the load for a household of 3 people. Yes, money gets in the way of all relationships. Economics is a big deal. Money makes the world go round. Love doesn't pay the rent. What you wrote is interesting in the way it describes your perspective. It has basically nothing to do with what I wrote. So I have no further response as far as this particular thread and I’m not interested in discussing your general opinions. As an aside I believe that in many many cases people amass wealth as an added benefit of being generous with their time and money. Not in order to amass wealth but it’s an added benefit. But that’s an aside. I wrote my reaction to the OP’s specific situation and I noticed that certain others posted similarly. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: What you wrote is interesting in the way it describes your perspective. It has basically nothing to do with what I wrote. So I have no further response as far as this particular thread and I’m not interested in discussing your general opinions. It's ok @Batya33. It's a free country. 😊 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 Just now, Cherylyn said: It's ok @Batya33. It's a free country. 😊 Um. Of course. Like I wrote I found your perspective interesting to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 Just now, Batya33 said: Um. Of course. Like I wrote I found your perspective interesting to read. Thank you @Batya33🤗 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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