22F feels as if her partner 27M is being inconsiderate of her situation.

[Kenice Grant]

We’ve been dating for over 6 months. Here’s a little backstory on me. I have migrated to the US in December. He knows my situation and what I’m going through right now and how difficult it has been for me and my mental health . I’ve asked if he could just accommodate me for awhile until I can figure out my way moving forward and as soon as I get a job and have enough savings to pay for an apartment I’ll be out of his space. My partner is very big on his peace and personal space, so when I asked him his initial response was “No, because if someone is going to stay with him, he needs someone who is going to be on track with what they want in life and not just go with the flow”. He also said, “it’s not because I don’t love or care for you it’s because I want what’s best for you.” I just feel as if though he’s being nonchalant towards the situation and inconsiderate. Any suggestions.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Kenice Grant said:

We’ve been dating for over 6 months.. I have migrated to the US in December.  . I’ve asked if he could just accommodate me  as soon as I get a job and have enough savings to pay for an apartment 

How do you know each other? What is the reason you immigrated to the US? Do you have a student visa?

Do you have friends and family here? How did it happen that you're living with him right after moving to the US? 

Is he throwing you out? What exactly does he want in exchange for you living there? Please stop having sex with him or acting like a housekeeper. 

Please check your immigration status and what resources are available to you to find housing and employment. 

[Kenice Grant]

48 minutes ago, Kenice Grant said:

We’ve been dating for over 6 months. Here’s a little backstory on me. I have migrated to the US in December. He knows my situation and what I’m going through right now and how difficult it has been for me and my mental health . I’ve asked if he could just accommodate me for awhile until I can figure out my way moving forward and as soon as I get a job and have enough savings to pay for an apartment I’ll be out of his space. My partner is very big on his peace and personal space, so when I asked him his initial response was “No, because if someone is going to stay with him, he needs someone who is going to be on track with what they want in life and not just go with the flow”. He also said, “it’s not because I don’t love or care for you it’s because I want what’s best for you.” I just feel as if though he’s being nonchalant towards the situation and inconsiderate. Any suggestions.

 

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know each other? What is the reason you immigrated to the US? Do you have a student visa?

Do you have friends and family here? How did it happen that you're living with him right after moving to the US? 

Is he throwing you out? What exactly does he want in exchange for you living there? Please stop having sex with him or acting like a housekeeper. 

Please check your immigration status and what resources are available to you to find housing and employment. 

We met on a dating site. I migrated because I wanted a better life. No, I’m on a tourist visa. I am currently staying with a family member, but they’ve been really difficult to live it. I am not living with him. I just go for a week or few days and come to my family members house.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with your boyfriend on this one. 

You two have not been together very long and it's not wise to rush things like this or put pressure on a new relationship. I say that someone who also moved abroad and has had a couple sticky times with accommodation - but I always found a solution on my own. 

I know it's not easy but you're putting unfair expectations on a man you've only known 6 months. This one is on you to sort out. 

[Kenice Grant]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I agree with your boyfriend on this one. 

You two have not been together very long and it's not wise to rush things like this or put pressure on a new relationship. I say that someone who also moved abroad and has had a couple sticky times with accommodation - but I always found a solution on my own. 

I know it's not easy but you're putting unfair expectations on a man you've only known 6 months. This one is on you to sort out. 

Thank you, I appreciate that. I am trying to figure this out on my own as I also have a 1 year old daughter 

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Kenice Grant said:

I also have a 1 year old daughter 

Is she with you in the US? 

[Kenice Grant]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is she with you in the US? 

Yes, she’s a US citizen.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Kenice Grant said:

Yes, she’s a US citizen.

Where is the father? Do you have contact with him? Who has custody of her?  Are you here visiting her? 

Unfortunately you need to stay with family because apparently he doesn't want you at his place that much. 

[Coily]

Honestly your BF is absolutely correct, as unsavory as that may seem. From what we have here he doesn't want you to to fail in finding your own path, nor does he seem to be harsh about this.

Also given that there is a one year old he has every right to want to keep some distance, if she starts to bond with him as a father figure, and your relationship fails; that will cause all sorts of problems of your daughter as she grows.

[Kenice Grant]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where is the father? Do you have contact with him? Who has custody of her?  Are you here visiting her? 

Unfortunately you need to stay with family because apparently he doesn't want you at his place that much. 

He’s in my home country. Yes, I have contact with him. There’s not much he can do for her because he’s unemployed. I have full custody of her. She’s currently with me. Thank you for your advice. 

[Kenice Grant]

5 minutes ago, Coily said:

Honestly your BF is absolutely correct, as unsavory as that may seem. From what we have here he doesn't want you to to fail in finding your own path, nor does he seem to be harsh about this.

Also given that there is a one year old he has every right to want to keep some distance, if she starts to bond with him as a father figure, and your relationship fails; that will cause all sorts of problems of your daughter as she grows.

100% agree with you. Thank you, you’re right. 

[Andrina]

I don't understand. If you're on a tourist VISA, isn't your 180 days up and you need to return to your own country? You're not allowed to work in the U.S. on a tourist VISA.

[Kenice Grant]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I don't understand. If you're on a tourist VISA, isn't your 180 days up and you need to return to your own country? You're not allowed to work in the U.S. on a tourist VISA.

It isn’t up as yet. 

[Andrina]

I still don't understand your mention of migrating and getting a job, because that's not possible on a tourist visa. How is your daughter a U.S. citizen?

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, Kenice Grant said:

Yes, she’s a US citizen.

Given that she is with you, this is even more reason not to try to get your new boyfriend to house you. 

It's a huge ask to also expect him to take in your baby. That's not a reasonable request on your part. 

[Kenice Grant]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I still don't understand your mention of migrating and getting a job, because that's not possible on a tourist visa. How is your daughter a U.S. citizen?

I was pregnant when I came to visit and went for a checkup and was told I can’t travel as it was a huge risk for my pregnancy. She was born here. I’m in the process of getting an extension on my visa.

[Jaunty]

If you've been here since December, and your daughter is one year old but was born here ... I'm confused.

Regarding the boyfriend:  Seems to me that your life and circumstances are far to complicated for you to be navigating a fairly new relationship.  Obviously the guy you're dating is keeping very strong boundaries where you're concerned.   Did you move here with the expectation that you'd marry?  He clearly does not want to be responsible for your life - he's told you straight up.   You probably need to plan your life without this guy.

 It seems like you must either be here illegally at the moment or within days of needing to leave, if you've been here since December.  Tourist visas are 6 months and only one extension is possible, as far as I know.   If it's too late, you will be ineligible to come back to the USA.  That will be very sad, since your daughter is a US citizen and you want her to be able to enjoy the opportunities that evidently are better here than in your home country.  You'd never be able to come here and get a work visa, green card or citizenship if this happens.   

I'm sorry, I'm sure it's all very stressful.

 

 

[Andrina]

Yes, the details in your story don't add up. You say you arrived in the U.S. 7 months ago. And then you say you were pregnant when you arrived, yet your daughter is now a year old. If you plan to overstay your VISA and get work illegally, expect to be tracked down by the federal gov't, and then you'll be barred from returning to the U.S. after you're deported.

If you got along so well with your husband enough to get pregnant by him, what happened during the pregnancy that would warrant you divorcing him? Bringing any child around a new love interest, especially having the child around this man for days and weeks at a time is not in the child's best interest. You shouldn't let children get attached to a brand new partner where the stability of that relationship isn't solid. Children don't need to bond with people and then suffer if there's a breakup.

I suggest you return to your home country and go through the normal routes of legal immigration into the U.S. And with a tourist VISA, you just can't leave for the allotted time and repeatedly come back to the U.S. just because you have a boyfriend in the U.S. That's a high risk person for overstaying their VISA. You're misusing your VISA because you're not vacationing. You wish to migrate and get a job. It's no wonder your relatives are no picnic to be around, because you should've gone home by now. They are feeding and housing two people who can't pay rent or buy groceries. 

[smackie9]

Didn't US customs see that you were pregnant? Usually they won't let you in for they don't want people landing there and have a baby. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Kenice Grant said:

I was pregnant when I came to visit and went for a checkup and was told I can’t travel as it was a huge risk for my pregnancy. She was born here. I’m in the process of getting an extension on my visa.

Whatever the situation is, focus on your visa and residency if you wish to stay. See if you can go to social services and get help, since your daughter is a citizen.

This could help you with food stamps, housing, employment opportunities, healthcare and other things you and your daughter may need and be eligible for.

Do you want to go back to your home country or her father? Do you have other family there or here? 

Figure out what the most feasible and desirable outcome would be for you and your daughter as far as building a future and life in the US.

This BF may not want to live with someone or have a built-in family or feel that you're only together hoping for an advenue towards residency. So it's probably better not to hang out with him.

[Cherylyn]

6 hours ago, Kenice Grant said:

We’ve been dating for over 6 months. Here’s a little backstory on me. I have migrated to the US in December. He knows my situation and what I’m going through right now and how difficult it has been for me and my mental health . I’ve asked if he could just accommodate me for awhile until I can figure out my way moving forward and as soon as I get a job and have enough savings to pay for an apartment I’ll be out of his space. My partner is very big on his peace and personal space, so when I asked him his initial response was “No, because if someone is going to stay with him, he needs someone who is going to be on track with what they want in life and not just go with the flow”. He also said, “it’s not because I don’t love or care for you it’s because I want what’s best for you.” I just feel as if though he’s being nonchalant towards the situation and inconsiderate. Any suggestions.

I think it's a fair assessment regarding your partner's statements.  Also,  as you know,  he prefers his peace and personal space so those are obvious reasons in addition to his response.  Keep in mind,  perhaps his finances are tight and he can't afford to financially support you and  your baby until you establish your job and savings situation.  It's a lot to ask of a person.  He most likely feels it's an imposition. 

His explanation to you was his way of telling you he doesn't want burdens.  I'm sorry.  ☹️

Some people are conditional regarding their relationship with you.  If you're financially stable and going somewhere in life,  you are perceived as independent and strong.  Therefore,  they're more apt to be attracted to you in that way and more accommodating. 

Some people are purely unconditional,  no questions asked.  They will house and feed you and your baby despite your uncertain future.  It's the gamble they're willing to take whereas others are more risk adverse and realistic regarding their finances and perhaps hesitant and reluctant to co-habitate with you and your child.  I'm sorry.  Some people don't want your baggage.  Not living together vs. living together are completely different scenarios.  Not everyone is on board with this living arrangement. 

I'm sorry to say that some people discriminate single parents.  They don't want extra responsibilities of a parent and child dumped on their plate.  They figure it's your problem,  not theirs.  It's a cruel world we live in, unfortunately. 

[Kenice Grant]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whatever the situation is, focus on your visa and residency if you wish to stay. See if you can go to social services and get help, since your daughter is a citizen.

This could help you with food stamps, housing, employment opportunities, healthcare and other things you and your daughter may need and be eligible for.

Do you want to go back to your home country or her father? Do you have other family there or here? 

Figure out what the most feasible and desirable outcome would be for you and your daughter as far as building a future and life in the US.

This BF may not want to live with someone or have a built-in family or feel that you're only together hoping for an advenue towards residency. So it's probably better not to hang out with him.

I do wish to stay, I can’t go back to my home country with my baby girl cause we’ll both struggle. Everything is very expensive. A bottle of formula is $80. I’m already getting assistance with food stamps and such her, which I am very grateful for. We wouldn’t be eating many days without it. I have family both here and there, but I can’t depend on them. I just want my baby to have a better life than I did and I thought being here would make that happen. 
 

Yes, I know he won’t want us around. And that’s fine. I’m not using anyone for a greencard or residency. I will figure it out. 

[Kenice Grant]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

I think it's a fair assessment with your partner's statements.  Also,  as you know,  he prefers his peace and personal space so those are obvious reasons in addition to his response.  Keep in mind,  perhaps his finances are tight and he can't afford to financially support you until you establish your job and savings situation.

Some people are conditional regarding their relationship with you.  If you're financially stable and going somewhere in life,  you are perceived as independent and strong.  Therefore,  they're more apt to be attracted to you in that way and more accommodating. 

Some people are purely unconditional,  no questions asked.  They will house and feed you even if your future is uncertain.  It's the gamble they're willing to take whereas others are more risk adverse and realistic regarding their finances and perhaps hesitant and reluctant to co-habitate with you.  Not living together vs. living together are completely different scenarios.  Not everyone is on board with this living arrangement. 

Thank you for this. I understand fully now. America’s culture and my home country culture are totally different. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Kenice Grant said:

Thank you for this. I understand fully now. America’s culture and my home country culture are totally different. 

Yes,  I'm an American.  I agree with you.  American culture does indeed make me think differently and I'm glad for it.  🙂  Thank you for your kind words.  💗

[Kenice Grant]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Didn't US customs see that you were pregnant? Usually they won't let you in for they don't want people landing there and have a baby. 

No. I wasn’t showing. I came to the US in 2021 and stayed until I had my baby, I went back home in April of 2022 and came back in December of 2022.