I think i(F20) cheated on my boyfriend (m21) and i feel horrible

[Melissamkr]

 

Hi everyone,

I'm currently facing a challenging situation in my relationship and would appreciate your advice and support. My boyfriend and I have been having frequent fights, and it has escalated to the point where he resorts to severe verbal abuse, calling me derogatory names like "stupid", “dumb ”,”pig” and "worthless." His anger leads to yelling, shouting, and constantly bringing me down. It's emotionally draining, and I'm struggling to cope i even experience this with different opinions on stuff he yells and close the phone or calls me stupid and worthless.

I've attempted to break up with him before, but whenever he apologizes, he completely transforms into an affectionate, loving partner. He often tries to place the blame on me for his abusive behavior, making me feel responsible for the way he treats me. It's a vicious cycle that I find myself trapped in.

Once i just blocked and ghosted him, he went to my class and left a sign saying he was there on my behalf because we are in the same uni. it still made me feel uneasy and concerned about his behavior.

Additionally, he frequently threatens me with suicide, which intensifies my guilt and fear of leaving him because he claims to have no one else to rely on.

Deep down, I feel like a horrible person . Recently, I met someone who treated me with respect and kindness. one night  We shared long hug as he explained me how hard his life is and he was feeling emotional, and I even kissed him on the cheeks. I can't deny the strong attraction I felt towards him, which further complicates my emotions and the state of my current relationship.

Now, I'm torn between my guilt and the need to seek happiness and respect. Should I disclose what happened with this other person to my boyfriend? How do I navigate this complex situation without causing more harm? I would appreciate any advice and guidance from those who have experienced similar struggles.

TL;DR: i’m in an abusive relationship, facing verbal abuse and manipulation. Met someone who treated me well and shared a hug . Feeling torn between guilt and the need for happiness.I need advice on disclosure and navigating the situation.

[Jaunty]

The other guy and whatever happened are not of consequence.  Please get rid of the toxic relationship you're in and do what you need to to deal with your issues.  You do not need to and SHOULD NOT accept this kind of treatment from anyone in your life.   

[Batya33]

It's simple -your current relationship is dangerous.  Whether or not you date this other guy or no one it's time to exit.  Do not mention this other person please -that could put you and him in more danger.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Melissamkr said:

  i’m in an abusive relationship, facing verbal abuse and manipulation. Met someone who treated me well and shared a hug . 

There's nothing to be torn about. You need to extricate yourself from the abusive relationship and delete and block him. As far as dating others, take your time.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Melissamkr said:

calling me derogatory names like "stupid", “dumb ”,”pig” and "worthless." His anger leads to yelling, shouting, and constantly bringing me down

 

1 hour ago, Melissamkr said:

I've attempted to break up with him before, but whenever he apologizes, he completely transforms into an affectionate, loving partner.

 

1 hour ago, Melissamkr said:

he frequently threatens me with suicide, which intensifies my guilt and fear of leaving him because he claims to have no one else to rely on.

All of this behavior including the pattern of sweetness and groveling after the abuse, is of course abuse that will continue, but you already know this. You're only staying because if he goes through with suicide, that you will feel guilty and feel as though it's your fault. This is him acting out in emotional manipulation.

You're allowing yourself to be kept hostage. If he threatened suicide, you can call 911 instead of sacrificing your happiness and be a prisoner for the rest of your life.

And this verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse, and sometimes homicide. As well as isolating your from friends and family.

I don't know how old you are, where you live, if you're still at university or you work. I'm mentioning this because of his irrational behavior of showing up in your class. Because I probably wouldn't even break up with him in person, because he sounds dangerous, and he's not even worthy of that courtesy. I'd call him, and if possible, make yourself scarce if possible from where you would normally be, and warn your friends and family of your situation because he will try to track you down. And do get a restraining order if needed.

Please don't pooh-pooh this suggestion, thinking he'd never go too far. He already has. I had a friend who was murdered by her estranged, abusive husband when she left him and got a restraining order. She moved in with her parents in another state and he tracked her down and killed her and her father. Restraining orders sometimes work, but when a person is mentally off, you sometimes should relocate to a place he'd never look.

And as said, don't date for a good long while. You need time to find your own happiness solo, and to be at a better place mentally to choose more wisely the second time around. You likely missed red flags about him in the beginning. Can you remember and learn from all of this? Take care.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Melissamkr said:

Should I disclose what happened with this other person to my boyfriend?

I would not, simply because I fear for your safety. Your boyfriend is not stable, and there is no question he would react very badly to hearing this. You would be putting yourself and this other guy in harm's way. 

I would simply break up with him. If he threatens suicide, call emergency services immediately and send them to him. Don't take the risk that he is bluffing. And block him everywhere. If he shows up again after you dump him, tell him to leave you alone. 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Should I disclose what happened with this other person to my boyfriend?

Why?  You already know how abusive he is.  Having said that, why would you chance placing yourself in the line of fire?

Even though it's too late to attempt to turn this around, rather than wonder why he and/or others fail to treat you with respect, pay closer attention to the signs you're sending stating that it's not necessary to treat you with the respect you deserve.

At any rate, it's time to toss him out.

[smackie9]

This is what abusers do to their victims...isolation, manipulation, gaslighting, control. It's to scare you, to feel such guilt, make you dependent on them, beat your self esteem so you fear leaving them. Threatening suicide is manipulation. I doubt he will do anything...drama queen that he is. He's a jacka$$. 

Cut him off, block/delete, change your number, close off your SM, move away, go into hiding...and for the love of god, don't date anyone yet until this is all resolved and your ex out of your system and completely out of your life. 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Melissamkr said:

I've attempted to break up with him before, but whenever he apologizes, he completely transforms into an affectionate, loving partner. He often tries to place the blame on me for his abusive behavior, making me feel responsible for the way he treats me. It's a vicious cycle that I find myself trapped in.

Once i just blocked and ghosted him, he went to my class and left a sign saying he was there on my behalf because we are in the same uni. it still made me feel uneasy and concerned about his behavior.

Additionally, he frequently threatens me with suicide, which intensifies my guilt and fear of leaving him because he claims to have no one else to rely on.

- He's awful 😕 .  I feel bad for you!

BUT, he can NOT control you!  YOU have every right to be out of this thing with him.

I agree with above...  Get away from him and do not answer his calls, his manipulation, his guilt trips.. Nothing!

Is fine to have enjoyed some positive attention from someone decent, but, do take your time.  Don't just go running into another guys arms this fast.

This abusive guy has to be an EX and now!

I feel for the next while ( a few good months at least), you rely on your friends & family.  Hang out with them for comfort & support.

And if need be, let your parents know how he has been, should he show up at your door ( You are at uni now, or at home?).

Because should he push it anymore, he can get a warning & be watched by police.  He is NOT allowed to treat anyone this way.  If anything he needs some professional help .

 

[Wiseman2]

Please talk to trusted friends and family about what's going on. Do you live with your parents? Do you have a good relationship with your parents or other adult relatives you can confide in?

Ask for help. Please read up on abusive relationships and especially "the cycle of violence".  Stay far away from this man. Simply tell him it's not working out via text then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

[Kwothe28]

You need to break up with your boyfriend. And quite possibly get a restraining order if he tries to abuse you or shows up to your class again. He transforms into affectionate because he knows you would leave him. He doesnt transforms for real, its a situational thing abusers do aka manipulation. Same with suicide treats. Just manipulation so you wont leave hin and that he could abuse you again. Very dangerous individual and you need to leave fast.

[Cherylyn]

Do not disclose any info to your hopefully soon to be ex-boyfriend.  Yes,  break up with him once and for all and make sure it's FINAL.  No going back.  He engages in gaslighting which is psychological warfare.  Deflecting,  changing the subject,  blaming you,  making you the scapegoat,  forcing you to think there's something wrong with you,  etc.  I know all the nasty tricks and then some.  Calling you ugly names is u unforgivable.  Don't feel guilty regarding whatever HE decides to do with HIS life.  You are not responsible for whatever HE chooses to do.  It will be his own doing and nobody else's. 

I'll chime in with blocking and deleting him permanently.  You need to stay away from this nut job.