confused

[SBG]

Hi,

I'm new here. I have been talking to this guy since 2021. I really liked him but when we met I was fresh out of a toxic relationship and wasn't looking for anything but hookups because I felt I wasn't good enough to be in a committed relationship and was talking to a lot of people and just didn't take him seriously because he never expressed his intentions. We eventually hooked up and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and it wasn't his, I had hooked up with my ex prior. I decided to tell him the truth of my pregnancy in case he wanted to hook up again and wouldn't want to show up heavily pregnant. We continued talking on and off and never hooked up again.

He came to visit when I was pregnant and when I had my baby. Just last week I went by his to see him since I was in his area he lives an hour away from me. I ended up sleeping over and one thing led to another. I am in love with this man. 2 days ago I decided to let him know how I feel and I haven't got a reply. This is what I said to him. 

I've got one shot at this life thing and honestly so does everyone else, the average person that is 😅 but the difference between me and the average person is my maturity allows me to be wrong, honest and vulnerable without feeling the need of validation or embarrassment. I can only own my truth and embrace it good and bad. We are grown and I’m done with the what if ? who am I trying to please ? I want you and wanting you doesn’t mean wife me now or title me no , wanting you means working towards what works for us, how best that is, only requires how best we do us. How do you feel about the idea of us dating, giving us a shot and see where this goes?

[Batya33]

I wouldn't understand what your message meant at all because it  was wordy and abstract and vague.  So if he doesn't respond he probably can't even decipher what you wrote.  Your last sentence makes sense but it's after all the other stuff. 

Also you're basically saying you see marriage and commitment as just a label.  Maybe he sees it (as I do) as not just a label at all.  So when you are asking him to "date" and go with the flow it means-really- you want to continue hanging out and having intercourse and you don't care if you two are exclusive because to you that's just a label? Plus you have a baby and he might not want that responsibility -is "parent" and the commitment and responsibiliy just a label to you as well?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, SBG said:

He came to visit when I was pregnant and when I had my baby. Just last week I went by his to see him since I was in his area he lives an hour away from me. I ended up sleeping over and one thing led to another. 

Sorry this happened. It's good you were honest with him both about your pregnancy and your feelings. 

All you can do is see if he responds. He may care for you but not be ready for an instant family. 

Do you live with friends and family? Do you work? Do you have help with childcare? Are you in contact with the child's father? Have you petitioned for child support on behalf of your child? 

Please try to get these things stabilized. Maybe this man will be FWB or something but he was only on board for casual, not a family.

 

[SooSad33]

Your post says 'Confused' - about what?

How I see all of this, is after maybe a couple 'hook ups' between the two of you, you've all of a sudden sent him some msg about dating?

Okay, then give him some leeway.  Let him think this all through.

You actually have no idea IF he's actually wanting this with you, correct?  ( If he maybe just wanted a fwb thing with you?)

Some factors do make people run. Like, immediately saying things like ' I want your kid', or ' I want to marry', or ' I want to live with you, have your kid & be your wife', lol.

As for that msg you sent, it does basically look like you're asking him to be an item. ( Not, what you said in the paragraph above of 'letting him know how you feel', which I assume you meant you 'love' him?). 

Just to make things clear, I need to ask you .  Exactly how many times have you two seen each other, since 2021.  ( to me, it looks like a total of maybe 3 times).  This does not make sense to then come to 'think' you're truly in love with him. But I can understand some emotions going on with you...

Also, how old is your baby? 

 

[Andrina]

You're not even dating and so it's really infatuation. 

For the future, it's best to have important discussions in person. That way, you can see a person's facial cues and body language. They can ask questions if needed. Texts often lack tone and clarity.

What do you have to offer as a dating partner at the moment? Do you have the time, the energy, a sitter when needed, gas money and money for restaurant meals and outings to make an equal effort of dating someone an hour away? I'm just asking because I don't know your day-to-day situation.

Babies bring much joy, but they also bring a lot of stress into a relationship, so it's best for a couple to be solid when a baby comes into the world, since so much time and attention has to be given to the child. I imagine getting a new partner at this stage is far more difficult when a dating interest isn't invested in the child and wants a partner who is free to go out a couple of times a week without a child in tow

Of course, there are some people who can love another's child and is willing to give it a go. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, SBG said:

I want you and wanting you doesn’t mean wife me now or title me no , wanting you means working towards what works for us, how best that is, only requires how best we do us.

I understood this perfectly, you articulated what you're seeking quite well imo. 

in short, you're interested in dating him to determine where it will lead, if anywhere. 

Minus the arbitrary labels because at the end of the day labels don't matter IMO, it's how you connect and relate that matters.  And defining for yourselves what dating and possible commitment mean for both of you, should you start actually dating and embarking on a relationship.

I think it was incredibly brave of you to send it.  All you can do now is wait for his response.

If he doesn't respond at all, THAT is your answer and you move forward with head high. 

Keep us posted!

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, SBG said:

but the difference between me and the average person is my maturity

What maturity? You hooked up with the guy while your ex got you pregnant. Mature people dont do stuff like that. 

In fact, the guy never did indicated that he wants to be in a relationship with you, just that he wants a hookup. His actions only show that. And yet after a couple of hookups, you claim that you are in love and that you want a relationship. Its just a hookup. You treated it like that, he treated it like that. And yet you somehow thought there was something more and dropped a bomb on the guy. No wonder he doesnt answer.

You need to live in a reality, not in a fantasy. If you want a commited relationship then work on that. Date, meet somebody that wants the same. Dont go around offering guys a hookup and then wonder why they dont want a relationship, because

1) You didnt offer that from a start and just wanted hookup

2) They dont want a relationship in the first place

[MissCanuck]

If you haven't heard from him in a couple days now, I think it is safe to say he doesn't feel the same way you do but doesn't quite know how to tell you that.

You shot your shot. I would keep moving, personally. 

[SBG]

On 6/29/2023 at 5:37 PM, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't understand what your message meant at all because it  was wordy and abstract and vague.  So if he doesn't respond he probably can't even decipher what you wrote.  Your last sentence makes sense but it's after all the other stuff. 

Also you're basically saying you see marriage and commitment as just a label.  Maybe he sees it (as I do) as not just a label at all.  So when you are asking him to "date" and go with the flow it means-really- you want to continue hanging out and having intercourse and you don't care if you two are exclusive because to you that's just a label? Plus you have a baby and he might not want that responsibility -is "parent" and the commitment and responsibiliy just a label to you as well?

Maybe I failed articulate myself very well. He has 3 children already and I have 2 now. I co-parent with my ex and I don't need a father for my kids because they have one who is resposnible enough to look after them. I dont want anymore kids and I am on birth control. No I do not want to be a friends with benefits hence my message to him, he still hasn't replied. I guess its safe to say he doesnt feel the same way and thats okay too.

[SBG]

On 6/29/2023 at 11:23 PM, Kwothe28 said:

What maturity? You hooked up with the guy while your ex got you pregnant. Mature people dont do stuff like that. 

In fact, the guy never did indicated that he wants to be in a relationship with you, just that he wants a hookup. His actions only show that. And yet after a couple of hookups, you claim that you are in love and that you want a relationship. Its just a hookup. You treated it like that, he treated it like that. And yet you somehow thought there was something more and dropped a bomb on the guy. No wonder he doesnt answer.

You need to live in a reality, not in a fantasy. If you want a commited relationship then work on that. Date, meet somebody that wants the same. Dont go around offering guys a hookup and then wonder why they dont want a relationship, because

1) You didnt offer that from a start and just wanted hookup

2) They dont want a relationship in the first place

At the time of the hook up I did not know I was pregnant. Only found out a week later. And I do agree with you that he might just wanted to hook up because before the hook ups we had no prior conversations to determine the nature of our relationship which is why I sent him that message.

[SBG]

On 6/29/2023 at 11:14 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

I understood this perfectly, you articulated what you're seeking quite well imo. 

in short, you're interested in dating him to determine where it will lead, if anywhere. 

Minus the arbitrary labels because at the end of the day labels don't matter IMO, it's how you connect and relate that matters.  And defining for yourselves what dating and possible commitment mean for both of you, should you start actually dating and embarking on a relationship.

I think it was incredibly brave of you to send it.  All you can do now is wait for his response.

If he doesn't respond at all, THAT is your answer and you move forward with head high. 

Keep us posted!

Thank you very much you understood exactly how I feel and what I meant in the text. Unfortunately, he still hasn't replied and I guess it's safe to say he doesn't want anything more than what we had and I don't want what we had.  

[SBG]

On 6/29/2023 at 10:10 PM, Andrina said:

You're not even dating and so it's really infatuation. 

For the future, it's best to have important discussions in person. That way, you can see a person's facial cues and body language. They can ask questions if needed. Texts often lack tone and clarity.

What do you have to offer as a dating partner at the moment? Do you have the time, the energy, a sitter when needed, gas money and money for restaurant meals and outings to make an equal effort of dating someone an hour away? I'm just asking because I don't know your day-to-day situation.

Babies bring much joy, but they also bring a lot of stress into a relationship, so it's best for a couple to be solid when a baby comes into the world, since so much time and attention has to be given to the child. I imagine getting a new partner at this stage is far more difficult when a dating interest isn't invested in the child and wants a partner who is free to go out a couple of times a week without a child in tow

Of course, there are some people who can love another's child and is willing to give it a go. Take care and let us know how it goes.

He has 3 children and I have 2 our lives are just as busy. We both co-parent with our ex partners so no one is trying to play step parent to anyones kid. Anyways he ddint reply my message and that is confrimation to me that he desont feel the same way.

[SBG]

On 6/30/2023 at 5:13 AM, MissCanuck said:

If you haven't heard from him in a couple days now, I think it is safe to say he doesn't feel the same way you do but doesn't quite know how to tell you that.

You shot your shot. I would keep moving, personally. 

I shoot my shot and I missed. I got aired x

[Cupid101]

Hi SBG,

I think you may have gotten off the wrong foot to start something beyond anything physical - wanting only hookup fresh out of a toxic relationship, not looking for any commitments, etc. At the time he met you neither of you had any intention of being exclusive, and most interaction between you and him was solely built on physical intimacy. I don't think he wanted anything more than occasional hookups. But to be fair, that was the arrangement you BOTH initially agreed on. So I wouldn't blame him and I would have definitely refrained from sending a lengthy text like that especially if there were no signs of interest on his end. 

[Batya33]

It sounds like your birth control method might not be quite effective enough. IMO if you have a serious topic like that it’s fine to email to ask if you two can meet to discuss what’s on your mind but I’d avoid putting it in writing particularly with all those words and abstractions.  It requires either a phone call or in person IMO. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@SBG, there is always much debate about this, but I happen to think expressing your thoughts in writing was fine, actually good. 

Akin to expressing our thoughts in a letter back in the day before the birth of internet and messaging. 

Reason being, for many people and I will speak for myself, I articulate my words much better and much more coherently in writing than talking on phone or even in person sometimes. 

Also, in writing you give the other person an opportunity to read your words, let them marinate a bit, before they choose to respond. IF they choose to respond. 

You don't want to be making anyone uncomfortable by "spilling  your feels" (i.e. expressing deep thoughts and feelings) and risk them feeling pressured to give you an immediate response. 

Again, many different opinions about this but wanted to give my $.02 and have always found messaging to be beneficial in this regard and the recipients have always appreciated it versus feeling pressured on the spot to respond.  

My late dad used to send me these types of letters and then when email came along, beautiful email messages expressing thoughts and feelings.  I would respond, we had some of our best exchanges this way. 

Through our email exchanges I learned all about his experiences at war, his experiences growing up in Lithuania and then later in Massachusetts. 

He was able to express his feelings about me through our exchanges and it was quite comforting.  We became even closer through these message exchanges.  I still have them and read them from time to time.  They give me great comfort since his passing. 

In person, on phone, he was stoic and closed. 

It's an acceptable method of communicating now, however I get it's not for everyone.

But I think you sending the message was fine.  His no response is your answer and now you can have your closure and move on.

 

 

[Batya33]

I write a lot for work and wrote creatively for years. I love the idea of writing out thoughts on such a serious topic then reading it out loud to the partner/person you want to be with.  I think discussions like these deserve a conversation in person or secondarily on the phone even if the person reads out loud what he or she wrote.  I think it gives the wrong impression when it comes to serious topics that require a response especially to hide behind a screen.

[smackie9]

I think things would have been different if the baby was his. The thing is, this was never a committed thing, you slept with your ex and got pregnant. This guy possibly really cares for you BUT he can't trust you and that's his deal breaker. That's probably why you got crickets.

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it gives the wrong impression when it comes to serious topics that require a response especially to hide behind a screen.

Just out of curiosity Bat do you think the outcome would have been different had she expressed such words in person?  

He never responded so it's clear he's not interested.  Had this talk happened in person, all I envision is an awkward, uncomfortable conversation, he's feels pressure to immediately respond but has no idea either what to say or even how he's feeling. 

Expressing such words in writing, again he has an opportunity to read and think about her words, what they mean for him moving forward and whether or not he wants the same thing. 

Without the awkwardness and pressure to provide an immediate response.  And possible drama that may result from that.

JMO.

I do take issue with your phrase "hiding behind a screen."  No one is hiding anything.

Was my dad "hiding" when he would open up to me the way he did through his messaging?  

No course not as explained in more detail in my previous post. 

Edit:  Apologies this is very sensitive topic for me as messaging was such a huge part of how my late dad and I used to communicate.

I treasure our message exchanges, read them back often, they give me great comfort.

 

[tattoobunnie]

5 hours ago, SBG said:

Maybe I failed articulate myself very well. He has 3 children already and I have 2 now. I co-parent with my ex and I don't need a father for my kids because they have one who is resposnible enough to look after them. I dont want anymore kids and I am on birth control. No I do not want to be a friends with benefits hence my message to him, he still hasn't replied. I guess its safe to say he doesnt feel the same way and thats okay too.

Oh, when I read your text, it sounded like you wanted an FWB situation.  You did say way too much stuff.  I would just CALL him (leave zero room for interpretation), and ask him to dinner.  If he says, "no," at least you gave it a shot.

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just out of curiosity Bat do you think the outcome would have been different had she expressed such words in person?  

He never responded so it's clear he's not interested.  Had this talk happened in person, all I envision is an awkward, uncomfortable conversation, he's feels pressure to immediately respond but has no idea either what to say or even how he's feeling. 

Expressing such words in writing, again he has an opportunity to read and think about her words, what they mean for him moving forward and whether or not he wants the same thing. 

Without the awkwardness and pressure to provide an immediate response.  And possible drama that may result from that.

JMO.

I do take issue with your phrase "hiding behind a screen."  No one is hiding anything.

Was my dad "hiding" when he would open up to me the way he did through his messaging?  

No course not as explained in more detail in my previous post. 

 

As I wrote I would have suggested-if she preferred to write - to read it to him in person or by phone.  Totally fine to disagree -I find that people hide behind screens to avoid actually discussing something with a person because it's too hard/awkward for them. I make this sort of choice fairly often.

My husband and I have different schedules.  I work out at around 5am, he sleeps often till 9am.  We go to sleep at different times. He emails me at night with scheduling/logistics as needed.  Sometimes I am annoyed by a particular email and sometimes overnight I have thought of something serious I want to discuss. 

99.999% of the time even if I am tempted to avoid an actual discussion if it's something I feel strongly about then as his wife I owe it to him to have an in person discussion even if it means waiting to do so until he is awake/back from a trip, etc.  So I restrain myself from being selfish and venting or expressing feelings in writing.  To be a mature, responsible adult in a serious relationship.  I do this with friendships too.  There are rare exceptions and if I know he actually would prefer I write whatever it is I do so. 

I'm a fan of facing fears, thinking of the other person and how they deserve to be in person or at least hear your voice for an uncomfortable topic - and showing up for that person.  Even if you read aloud what you wrote. I think she is giving the wrong impression with the wordiness combined with the typing it instead of saying it.  I don't think all people who type hide, no.  Never wrote that. Never commented on any written messages you ever received including from your father -that was a confusing response.

I was not commenting on outcome. I was commenting on how I think a person should approach another person about a serious topic that requires discussion and that it's far more respectful and caring to the other person to at least give an opportunity to discuss in person.  Certainly she could have given him the option "I wanted to share with you how I'm feeling about us.  I wrote it out - do you prefer to discuss in person or by phone or should I email it to you?"

As far as outcome if I received such a message verbally or in writing I'd wonder why the person was so abstract/indirect about what is really a basic question "do you want to date me and please know to me it's not about anything serious -I mean that's just a label to me - but I'd like to date you.  Would you like to date me?"  (I would add what she wrote because given their history she has her reasons in her views on relationships and/or she wants him to know that she's totally cool with a casual arrangement).