hopeless….

[rrrryyvc]

at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend i went to a birthday party of my friend. he wasnt there, i lied to him that i wont drink alcohol but i did, and he was afraid that i will do something stupid, he told me to go home and he wanted to talk to me because he was feeling bad because of this situation but i was kind of ignoring him and just having fun on the party. i admit that then i should have acted different and it was my mistake. after this situation he stopped trusting me and didn’t allow me to drink or go to any party.  so i didnt go to three birthdays of my friends. a week ago he allowed me to go on one party that my friend was throwing at her house, because there was no guys, it was at home and there was only like 10 people, but i couldn’t drink there.

 

and now i have a problem…

in like a week my very close friend is throwing her birthday party. its really important for her and also i want to be there (i kind of feel like it would be rude if i didnt come). but because its not at her house, its at night and there will be 50 people my boyfriend said i cant go. i tried to talk to him, i said that i changed and i wont treat him like before, i will keep in touch with him there, i wont drink and i will not do anything stupid. he doesnt listen to me. and also im shy and parties are a big deal for me, i usually end up running away and crying so thats why i was drinking. 

and i feel like there is nothing i can do to change his mind, i asked him to make a compromise that we would both like but he seems not interested. today i will try to talk to him again, but im afraid he wont agree on anything and this might end up in a break up, because i just have to be there, my friends already think im weird because i dont talk on parties or i dont come at all, im scared they will be mad at me if i dont come again.

and also, doesnt it make me a bad person if i will break up with him for that reason? it looks like that party is more important for me than my relationship and i feel bad about it, of course we dont agree on many other things but if i break up now it will be because he doesnt let me go.

[MissCanuck]

You need to break up with this guy. 

He is beyond controlling and treating you like a child. He's not your dad. You don't need his permission to go out. This is all so terribly unhealthy and I would get rid of him before the sun goes down today. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rrrryyvc said:

at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend i went to a birthday party of my friend. he wasnt there, i lied to him that i wont drink alcohol but i did, and he was afraid that i will do something stupid, 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Why are you going out separately rather than on dates? Is this a distance situation?

You don't seem to get along and it's time to end the relationship. 

[Kwothe28]

Your boyfriend is possesive. He wont let you go to party because he doesnt trust you. What is worst you are falling under his influence and he is successfully isolating you from your friends. Its a tactic used by abusers, they wont let you have your own thing because that would mean you have a way out. While if you are isolated you dont have a way out and you are sorta forced to relly on them.

Get out of that relationship before it does more damage it you. It already started to affect you negatively.

1 hour ago, rrrryyvc said:

my friends already think im weird because i dont talk on parties or i dont come at all, im scared they will be mad at me if i dont come again.

 

[Batya33]

Agree with all. Also I had friends over the years who would cancel on me because they were afraid to say no to a boyfriend's last minute request and/or show up but then either the boyfriend had to come or the boyfriend had to meet up with us/she had to leave early for the boyfriend,etc.  It's frustrating to be on the other end and also worrisome at points.  Did you find him really "masculine" at first like your protector/telling you what to do/what to wear/how to behave?

I agree you betrayed his trust on that one occasion -you apologized and said you wouldn't do it again.  If that's not enough and if you've skipped your friends' parties because of it that's really concerning and over the top - do not put up with that garbage - know your worth! You're not ending it "to go to a party" you're ending it to get away from this controlling person.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, rrrryyvc said:

  i usually end up running away and crying so thats why i was drinking. 

Unfortunately there's a few problems going on. One is you're in a nonsensical controlling relationship. That's easy to fix just by ending it.

However the other problems seem to be social anxiety and drinking or binge drinking to cope. That's also something you can address, but you may need help and support with that. See if this helps:

https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, rrrryyvc said:

i tried to talk to him, i said that i changed and i wont treat him like before, i will keep in touch with him there, i wont drink and i will not do anything stupid. he doesnt listen to me. and also im shy and parties are a big deal for me, i usually end up running away and crying so thats why i was drinking. 

Why have you allowed yourself to be parented by a bf? Over time, it's hard to stay romantically attracted to someone who is supposed to be your partner, but acts like a parent. And then you rebel, just as you did when you didn't agree with your parents rules, by going behind their backs. You already did this once, by drinking at the party when he forbade that.

In case you didn't know, this is totally not a healthy dynamic. I'm assuming you're both young, so I'll play devil's advocate and say that your bf has observed that your use of alcohol goes beyond a controlled, casual use. Perhaps it affects your behavior into dangerous territory. It sounds that way, since you're using it to control your anxiety in a large party crowd. That's is definitely a warning bell that you need to address. In any case, he is young and dumb and trying to fix this in an unhealthy way.

What would I do in your shoes?

1. Do not go to parties if you'll be using alcohol to handle the situation. Explain to your friend that you would rather take them out for lunch/dinner at their convenience. 

2. Go to a psychiatrist about your anxiety, since you run and cry with social anxiety. There, you will learn skills to overcome these stressful feelings.

3. Don't drink, because you're a strong candidate for this leading to alcoholism. Believe me, I've had many relatives who are now sober, and relay how much happier they are since becoming sober.

4. I don't know if your relationship is worth salvaging or not. If your alcohol use is the only problem and as I say your bf went about trying to manage this problem stupidly, then that problem might go away if you show him how you realize this and what you're doing to handle this. But one step beyond is to tell him that you're a grown woman and he will no longer tell you what you can and can't do. Of course, a couple has to have relationship boundaries and agree on those boundaries. But that if he's parenting you, it's a dealbreaker to you.

Good luck and let us know your plans and how it goes.

[smackie9]

I have the answer for you....dump your BF.