I expected a better response on my efforts.

[Loka56]

Hi, 

So, I am here with a wimpy heart over a seemingly very small thing, but it hurts. 

I prepared a very small yet touching gift for my BF's birthday and used some creativity, and went overboard with the efforts to make it look as good as possible. On the day of the birthday, I presented him with the gift, and all her reacted with, 'Did you use a saas tool for this? because you can't come up with something like this'

He loves sarcasm, and I am learning things along the way, so I replied in a humorous way, 'yeah, I used that. I did x, then y, then z, and boom, here is the result'

And he laughed a little, and that's all. 

To me, the gift was the most emotionally touching thing I could have done, and I am so disappointed that he didn't even praise my efforts. 

I am feeling so bad that I just cried over this little thing. I am not-co-easy to cry, but I am feeling so wrong here. 

I don't know if my feelings are normal, whether I should do something about it, or let it slide, whether it is a big thing or am i making a fuss. I don't know. 

[Kwothe28]

I am very good at gift-giving. People universaly love my presents, whether its for their kids or themselves. However what you need to know about gift-giving is that not everyone would appreciate your efforts in the same way and not everyone would reciprocitate it. So you need to not expect too much and not get dissapointed. For example you expected your boyfriend to "gush over" the present because you invested a lot of thought and love into it. But you will rarely get that. Simple "thank you" is enough. 

What did he do for your birthday? And what would he do if your birthday is coming along? I would refrain from investing yourself that much into gift-giving to him if he doesnt do something nice for your birthday. As for is it something you should be bothered about, some people are just not good at gifts. Nore that thoughtful. Whether that is bothering you is up to you. But it clearly does so it might be something to observe in the future. How does he treats you otherwise? Is he thoughtful to you?

[Cherylyn]

I think you should rethink and reevaluate your relationship with your BF.  You went above and beyond trying to make your BF happy with your extremely thoughtful gift and all you received was sarcasm, unkindness,  rudeness and ingratitude. 

Your story is reminiscent of several years ago when it took me several weeks of staying up all night to sew gorgeous craft items for my sister's house for her birthday with nary a word of gratitude.  She never bothered to send me a postal thank you note which was how our mother raised us.  In the past,  she was diligent regarding her postal thank you notes to me but I never received anything;  no postal thank you note,  no thank you email,  no thank you text,  no thank you message,  absolutely NOTHING.   I was appalled and disgusted.  And yes,  I expected her to gush over all the time,  labor,  expense,  energy and artistic efforts I put into her gift because it wasn't easy to create.  I didn't buy it from a brick and mortar store,  I didn't buy it conveniently online nor pay anyone to sew my creations.   I went above and beyond.  She already has a bad track record with her narcissism but her apathy cemented our estrangement. 

Btw, the answer for me?  No more gift giving.  I either save money or buy something wonderful for myself so there!  😛

I wouldn't let it slide.  Speak up to your BF.  If he gaslights you,  deflects,  changes the subject,  jokes with you,  doesn't take you seriously,  doesn't care how you feel and demonstrates a dismissive attitude towards your efforts and care you put forth towards his birthday gift,  perhaps he's not the man you thought he was.  He sounds like an ingrate.  Perhaps his character is very defective.  Let that be your guide to determine whether or not he's worth retaining in your life. 

 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

, 'Did you use a saas tool for this? because you can't come up with something like this'

What exactly did he mean by this?

How long have you been together? How old is he? What has he done for your birthday?

Has he been sarcastic or dismissive or ungrateful before?

[SooSad33]

Aww wow 😕 ... Understandable because YOU spent so much love & time on making it all for HIM ❤️ .  You did not feel any love or appreciation back.

Do you do this a lot for him?  or not sure how long you've been involved? ( just wondering cause I have a friend who kinda has been offended because his gf always makes him things - after all these years, he's only gotten maybe one 'bought' gift) .. I was thinkin.. wow.  You do realize all of her time into this stuff? 😕 

I always love someone's effort, especially made 'just for me'. I know it's taken their time & effort etc. 🙂 .

[Loka56]

@Kwothe28Yeah, he is thoughtful and very attentive. But his sarcasm is something I have a hard time with. 

Last year on his birthday, he was over the moon about my small text. That's why I was expecting him to be a little more than that. If not, then something like that. Usually, my small act of kindness leaves him awestruck, and he is good at expressing this. 

This time, I just expected to have some romantic moments. And it didn't go as that. 😕 maybe that's the root of my disappointment. 

Well, I am a bit mad at him, so avoiding having a chat. He has sensed that, too, and is also not responding. We might talk during the day tomorrow, and I hope till then, I am over this concept of 'If I have put in some effort, he is not obligated to say more than just a simple 'thank you'

How's that?

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

@Kwothe28Yeah, he is thoughtful and very attentive. But his sarcasm is something I have a hard time with. 

Last year on his birthday, he was over the moon about my small text. That's why I was expecting him to be a little more than that. If not, then something like that. Usually, my small act of kindness leaves him awestruck, and he is good at expressing this. 

This time, I just expected to have some romantic moments. And it didn't go as that. 😕 maybe that's the root of my disappointment. 

Well, I am a bit mad at him, so avoiding having a chat. He has sensed that, too, and is also not responding. We might talk during the day tomorrow, and I hope till then, I am over this concept of 'If I have put in some effort, he is not obligated to say more than just a simple 'thank you'

How's that?

No more gifts.  Since he was over the moon with your small text on his birthday,  just give him that and no more.  Remember,  what goes around comes around. 

[Loka56]

He hasn't been dismissive. We always talk things out and never let anything slide. 

 'Did you use a saas tool for this? because you can't come up with something like this 

I use a lot of tools that help me in writing content and designing. That's a part of my profession. By this, he meant I must have used any tool because I can't be this good.  We have been together for 1.5 years. On my birthday, he surprised me with the best thing I didn't know I needed. Took me to a very amazing place for dinner, followed by a long drive and some amazing chat. 

He is a thoughtful man in his late 30s and a very wise guy. But sometimes, he messes things up with sarcasm. He has been sarcastic before and, honestly speaking, mentions the things I am not good at in his jokes and sarcasm. We have had so many quarrels about this behavior of his, but we both agreed to adjust ourselves a bit. @Wiseman2

[Loka56]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

No more gifts.  Since he was over the moon with your small text on his birthday,  just give him that and no more.  Remember,  what goes around comes around. 

You seem right. I am going to have a clear chat with him. @Cherylyn

[Andrina]

27 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

We have had so many quarrels about this behavior of his, but we both agreed to adjust ourselves a bit.

If you've already had numerous chats, why hasn't he cared enough about you to stop the sarcasm to please you? I don't know how you've addressed this, but you might be a bit stronger this time and tell him that every time he's sarcastic, it causes you to feel bitter, and you're afraid the bitterness will eat away at your love like a cancer.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

, he messes things up with sarcasm. He has been sarcastic before and, honestly speaking, mentions the things I am not good at in his jokes and sarcasm. We have had so many quarrels about this behavior of his, 

Please research "insults disguised as jokes". Before you talk to him realize he does this on purpose and gets something out of it. The point is to put you down. 

So you can quarrel about it again but it's not an effective way to change the behavior.

Learn to respond to sarcasm and backhanded "jokes". Start responding with a question such as "what exactly do you mean by that?".

By confronting it an shining the spotlight on it, it lets him know you know what he's doing and the "just kidding" thing is won't work on you.

You'll have to learn to nip this in the bud and not get upset or hurt by it or talk about your feelings because he already knows from "many quarrels" that it's hurtful. That's precisely why he does it. 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please research "insults disguised as jokes". Before you talk to him realize he does this on purpose and gets something out of it. The point is to put you down. 

 

Backhanded compliments.  ☹️

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I always love someone's effort, especially made 'just for me'. I know it's taken their time & effort etc. 🙂 .

Amen to that,  @SooSad33.  There are still a few good people left on this Earth such as yourself. 💗

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Loka56 said:

By this, he meant I must have used any tool because I can't be this good.

Okay, so that sounds good, right? Like a compliment?

I don't understand the context because you didn't say what the gift was, but I can appreciate your disappointment, and I'm sorry.

Sometimes things just catch someone at the wrong time or the wrong mood. If your relationship overall is good, I'd sleep on this and see how you feel tomorrow.

He's lucky to have someone who would put artistic effort into creating something special. Thank you for putting your talents into adding beauty to the world.

[itsallgrand]

What was the gift? I had to look up SaaS tools and it still is unclear what you might have given him or how it would be emotionally touching? 

I have some thoughts but need to understand how the gift would be special to him first. 

 

[Loka56]

@Andrina, I am someone who has had her fair share of troubles and hardships in early childhood. To cope with that, motivational books and motivational stuff is something I am very much in. And it helped me immensely. 

My man says the motivational industry has only a few things that work on people. Most people do good because they are born with it, and you (me) are one of those. You are born with resilience and grit. 

My English vocabulary is not so great. I never paid attention to language studies during my 16 years of education and survived with my intelligence. 

Now, I have been working as a remote employee with terrible vocab. But I am good at communicating things simply, both verbally and written. I know my shortcomings. I never lied to myself about it. But all my life, I have been in rooms where I was the best one. 

My man is the only person I found better than me in all aspects. 

But he keeps rubbing my shortcomings to my face. In the beginning, I never reacted to his sarcasm, and his sarcasm was under control too. But later, as we connected on a deeper level, he started using it frequently. I still didn't give any reaction. But then I got into health issues, and everything started bothering me. 

During that phase, we had quarrels over his sarcastic words every other week. But we both managed them well. I don't recall any quarrel where I had to agree on something I didn't want to. 

'How I addressed this: I am not easy to cry, but I broke out on his sarcasm, and I became furious. I apologized for that moment, and we talked about the matter after a few days when I had settled my thoughts. 

He said, I only say things that are hard to believe in sarcasm. For example, you (he is addressing me) won't be considered as someone with daddy issues. But a few things are hardcore truths. You are miserable in using the English language. This is a truth. And it will bother you only if you think otherwise. 

I replied, I am young, and I will definitely get a command of English one day. But that day, what will you do about the pieces of my shattered heart?

To which he replied, you don't have to try. You will never get a good command of this. People are born with some skills, and you are not born with this one. 

I was just silent and didn't know what to say. 

@Cherylyn @Wiseman2

Guyz, I talked to him. At first, he didn't reply to my text. He never replies when he senses that I am angry and wait for my anger to pass. Then he kept up with, 'you didn't see my reaction?' by this, he was referring to his reaction, which I found disappointing. 

I made things clear that I receive a better response on small things I do for you, and this gift is something I worked on for days. And I expected a better reaction on this one, at least more than what you expressed in a simple birthday wish. 

He ignored me again on WhatsApp and was active and kept sharing funny videos on Facebook. 

Then, after some time, he replied with a sorry note that 'I should have expressed in words. I just put in a 🥹 emoji. I'll try to be mindful next time. But I was so touched to have a birthday wish and a cake on my birthday for the first time in my life with a gift with so many efforts' 

And this seems shallow to me. To me, it seems that he is again rubbing that on my face 'with a gift with so many efforts' and saying, 'Huh, you call that effort?' I am disappointed and silent. I am not even angry. I am just still. I have never been this negative about anything. But this time, I am finding it hard to believe that his apology is sincere.

@Wiseman2 I asked him, what do you mean by that? (referring to the comment he made on my gift) he didn't answer. 

Just for the context, our wedding is most likely to happen in September 2023. 

[Loka56]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, so that sounds good, right? Like a compliment?

I don't understand the context because you didn't say what the gift was, but I can appreciate your disappointment, and I'm sorry.

Sometimes things just catch someone at the wrong time or the wrong mood. If your relationship overall is good, I'd sleep on this and see how you feel tomorrow.

He's lucky to have someone who would put artistic effort into creating something special. Thank you for putting your talents into adding beauty to the world.

I slept on it and woke up with it, unfortunately. I am much more disappointed. 😕  

[Loka56]

4 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

What was the gift? I had to look up SaaS tools and it still is unclear what you might have given him or how it would be emotionally touching? 

I have some thoughts but need to understand how the gift would be special to him first. 

 

I created an MP4 video using a series of cards. In those cards, I mentioned a lot of things about the moments we shared together. Some pictures that he would be surprised to see (he should have). And some confessions. I spent more than 10 days making this video. No exaggeration. But it was good because I spent days putting effort into it. 

But instead of showing any appreciation, he chose to say, 'you must have used any tool to come up with something like this. Because you can never be this good.'

I wasn't disappointed by his comment. That's just his way of saying things. I also replied with sarcasm. But the chat ended. And I was disappointed as the chat ended. 

I was like, 'was this all he had to say?'

In his circle, he never received a birthday wish but dinners with his friends. He goes around saying, 'what's so important or significant about spending another year on earth that people throw parties on their birthday.'  Maybe that's why no one wishes him on his birthday. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Loka56 said:

@Andrina,. You are miserable in using the English language. I am young, and I will definitely get a command of English one day. Our wedding is most likely to happen in September 2023. 

Is this an arranged marriage? Do you both come from the same culture and country and speak the same native language?

Is English a second language for both of you? What language do you two usually communicate in?  Was this gift in your or his native language or in English? 

[Loka56]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? Do you both come from the same culture and country and speak the same native language?

Is English a second language for both of you? What language do you two usually communicate in?  Was this gift in your or his native language or in English? 

This is not an arranged marriage. Yes, we both come from the same culture and speak the same native language. English is a second language for both of us. We usually communicate in our native language. The gift is in the English language. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

This is not an arranged marriage. Yes, we both come from the same culture and speak the same native language. English is a second language for both of us. We usually communicate in our native language. The gift is in the English language. 

Try communicating in your own language with each other rather than arguing about who has a better command of English.This clarifies why there was a misunderstanding about the gift. It seems you wanted to impress him with your progress in English. However that's unimportant.

What's important is that you tried to make some sort of sentimental gift and he didn't appreciate it as much as you hoped. Especially since for whatever reason you decided to do this in English rather than the language you usually communicate in .

Your command of English is really for you and has nothing to do with your relationship. To communicate better, speak with each other in your native language and learn English in your own ways in your own time. Try not to compete about who's better at learning a second language.

[Loka56]

@Wiseman2I don't think I am competing here. I just used my second language as it has better words to explain feelings. If he found the gift amazing, then of all things, he commented on the very thing. This is what is disgusting to me. 

Btw, thanks for your comments and insights. It really helped me settle my thoughts. Plus, I appreciate the way you ask to-the-point questions. 

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, Loka56 said:

But he keeps rubbing my shortcomings to my face.

Your partner is supposed to be someone who eases your troubles, not instigates them. Of course, all couples argue, but the point should be to resolve whatever the issue is. Is he trying to resolve an issue by rubbing your shortcomings in your face? Sounds like punishing to me. Is that who you want for a lifetime partner? Is your love having you overlook dealbreakers? Do you lack dating experience, as in is he your first serious relationship?

One thing you shouldn't do is text about serious issues. Save those discussions for in-person. What do your friends and family think of him? 

[Kampuniform3]

It’s axiomatic that men and women see the world through different lenses.

Sarcasm, hyperbole, euphemism, is fairly common in men’s banter, and it’s the rare exception when it is used to be hurtful.  If he’s using banter, he sees you as his equal, and is happy in your company.

The list of things that women deem significant, and which never appear on your average man’s radar, would stretch to the end of time.  This works both ways, however.  
 

I, personally, don’t place a great deal of store in birthdays, holidays, etc, only acknowledging them because it was clear to me that they were significant for my partner.  However, I honestly couldn’t have given a fiddler’s f art about gifts, or acknowledging my birthday at all.  In fact, I was happier if the day passed with no acknowledgement at all.  
 

He might just be this way as well.

 

[Cherylyn]

First of all,  his apologetic reply:  "trying to be mindful in the future,  touched to have a birthday wish and cake for the first time in my life and a gift with much effort" sounded acceptable to me.  However,  I'm not you. 

I wouldn't have perceived his comment with "Huh,  you call that effort?" 

The part that ruined his earlier comments was this:  "You must have used any tool to come up with something like this because you can never be this good."  That right there was an awfully cynical thing to say / write.  It's actually very unkind and obnoxiously rude.  It's exactly what my boorish brother-in-law (BIL) would say and he has!  😡  It's nothing I hadn't heard before.  ☹️

It doesn't matter that he had dinner with friends to celebrate his birthday in the past.   What matters is his lack of emotional intelligence also known as (aka) empathy;  feeling for others and being considerate of other people's feelings. 

He sounds like a narcissist.  He doesn't sound like a man worth retaining in your life.  I'd be thoroughly disgusted if I were you.  You deserve to be treated with respect which is the equivalent of love.  He does neither.  ☹️