Ended A Toxic Relationship Need Advice?

[Aaron2023]

Hi guys urgently need some advice.

I have been dating a girl for the last 8 months, and it's been a very rocky relationship.

Several incidents of disrespect and quite a few heated arguments, including 2 major break ups and one minor break up.

 

She has made some mistakes and I made some mistakes.

 

I do love this girl and she does love me, but can't seem to get past 2-3 weeks without some argument taking place. Most of the time it's a minor disagreement that I simply brush off, however sometimes they are significant arguments that leave me feeling resentment for her.

 

Around 2 months ago, we had arranged a 10 holiday to Turkey. Everything was paid for and booked. I was stopping at her house, we had a little disagreement over where we was going to spend entire weekend, her house or my house, it wasn't a huge argument, just a small disagreement, however for some reason she decided to tell to Shvt The Fvk Up.. 

I absolutely did not like this at all. I told her immediately I won't tolerate being sworn at like that, and I will be leaving in the morning. She didn't apologize and turned her back to me and went to sleep. I didn't sleep much as I was annoyed with her attitude.

Early in the morning, I decided to quietly leave her house without waking her up. I didn't want to wake her, incase another argument started. Around two hours later, she woke up and sent me this text message.

"I think it's time to end it now, seeing as you don't talk, I still want to go on this holiday, we can go and just do our own thing seperatly"

No apology for the abusive language and no attempt to fix things, she simply ended it. I agreed and eccpted the break up.

The following day she began texting me, and wanting me to reply to her. I chose to ignore her messages. She then began calling many many times. Eventually I took her call as I caved in. She began telling me that she wants to try again and she made a mistake and it won't happen again. Even though I felt very uneasy about the situation, I gave her the chance.

 

We ended up going to Turkey for 10 days. In those 10 days we argued 4x.. and all over petty things. 

She wanted us to hang by the pool but I wanted to head to the beach, because the pool had too many roudy people who where drinking around it.

Anyway the fact that we argued quite abit on holiday made me realise that it's unlikely we can work out. I mean if we can't get through 10 days together, how will we manage children, and marriage and living together etc.

 

Now to our current break up.. My ex is very much addicted to social media. She is on everything. Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and several group chats. The first 3 months of the relationship, when she used to come to my house, I would often have to ask her to put her phone away, as she was on it alot in my company.

To give her some credit, she did tone it down over time, as she realised that I was getting very fed up of asking her to stop with the phone all the time.

I also use my phone quite abit, as I have a YouTube channel that I manage and I earn money off it. It's essentialy a business.

 

I don't use any social media. It just doesn't appeal to me. 

This gone weekend she came to my house, and on Saturday I cooked us a meal. Now something I observed recently is, even at the dinner table BOTH of us sometimes use hour phones even when we are eating.

I had been thinking about this and came to the conclusion that when we are eating around the table, the least we should do is put the electronic devices away for a while.

 

So I suggested to her, that from here on its a good idea if we both leave the phones Alone when are enjoying a meal and just have some conversation etc.

 

She became very defensive at the idea and basically began telling me I a sturn voice that I can't control what people do with there phone's.

She began going on about how I use my phone alot too. However I wasn't suggesting the she was using her phone too much, I simply suggested while we eat we don't use our phones.

She basically twisted what I said and it turned into an argument. She kept going on and on, and I asked her several times to stop as this conversation is not going to end well but she kept going. I got angry and told her that in my house if I don't want phone use around the dinner table then I can expect that.

Anyway the argument got out of hand, I got upset and angry that my request which I felt was reasonable got turned into such a brawl.

It actually spoilt my mood and my day. Not only that we had not even been intimate with eachother all weekend and now it was very unlikely that we would be.

At this point I was very fed up. She did come over and kiss me later on, but no apology about ruining the evening. It's almost like a kiss should just resolve everything, and I should accept just accept that.

 

Within another 3 hours she began disagreeing with me on something again and I had to quickly shut down the conversation before it could get out of hand again. By now I was pretty livid and actually wanted to away from her.

 

She again tried kissing me again around two hours after both of us sitting in silence and not talking to eachother. Eventually she just got up and went to bed in a mood.

 

It was around 9.30pm I was sat alone downstairs, angry and upset. I don't usually drink that much, usually a couple of vodkas on a Saturday night, as I tend to live a healthy Lifestyle. However because I was upset I began drinking quite abit more.

 

By around 2am I was more than tipsy. I went up to bed, got in the bed and put some music on my phone. It wasn't too loud, but it woke her up. She asked me to turn it down which I did.

I went back on YouTube and lord knows what she heard, but she turned round and accused me of looking at porn. I was actually on YouTube and not porn.

Because I was already annoyed, and I was quite drunk, I couldn't help but say that I wasn't on porn, but even if if I was, it shouldn't matter considering we don't really have a sex life anymore. Well for abvious reasons this triggered off another argument at 3am (I know this was my fault I should have simply kept *** and gone to sleep)

But alcohol makes you act out of your ordinary behaviour. The conversation started getting heated again and I snapped and told her to leave my house.

I was getting so fed up of the back and forth that I told her to get out. I know this was wrong of me but honestly we both began saying hurtful things to eachother.

I offered to get her an Uber and pay for it, but she refused. She packed all her belongings and left. She called her brother who must have picked her up.

I honestly wish things didn't end that way. I said some umpleasent things out of frustration and she said some umpleasent things too.

When she left I immediately removed her and blocked her from my Facebook. I haven't heard from her since Saturday, so clearly it's over.

In all honesty this was the right thing to do, to end it. But I wish it didn't get this messy.

 

My gut feeling is she will probably contact me again, so I hope I have the strength to say no.

She actually wanted to have children and a family with me, but honestly we can't get through 8 months how are we going to do children and a life time.

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

There was too much drama in your abnormal relationship with her.  Request permanent no contact (NC) and if she's relentless at any given time,  block and delete her permanently.  Or, don't request and block and delete her immediately.  Move on with your life. 

Btw,  she was gaslighting you.  Gaslighters are poisonous people.  She also sounds like a narcissist. 

Hopefully in the future,  your relationship will be healthier,  more sound,  smooth and kind overall.  You'd better shop around.

[Andrina]

10 minutes ago, Aaron2023 said:

My gut feeling is she will probably contact me again, so I hope I have the strength to say no.

Well, you will have to make sure your brain overrides your heart. If all you have is chemistry to build on, and the basic must-haves are lacking, one being that you argue far too much for the relationship ever to be satisfying, then your foundation will be like a sand castle, always crumbling.

If you find alcohol regularly causes problems in your life, consider stopping that habit.

What is your relationship history? What has been the cause of your past breakups, and what has your longest relationship been?

[Aaron2023]

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

Well, you will have to make sure your brain overrides your heart. If all you have is chemistry to build on, and the basic must-haves are lacking, one being that you argue far too much for the relationship ever to be satisfying, then your foundation will be like a sand castle, always crumbling.

If you find alcohol regularly causes problems in your life, consider stopping that habit.

What is your relationship history? What has been the cause of your past breakups, and what has your longest relationship been?

I honestly live a healthy Lifestyle, I only drink on a Saturday night but I try my best not to drink much.

 

However my ex is originally lutheuan, and they have a culture of heavy drinking. In-fact my ex now used to drink alot, and I had a conversation with her about curbing the amount of alcohol we drink. 

My longest relationship was 9 years, I only had one very bad relationship before and that one was toxic because I did not have clear boundaries and I let her get away with too much disrespect.

Exactly why I am much less tolerant of it now. It's Exactly why when she told me to Shut The Fvck Up, the very next morning I left her house and the relationship ended. However I caved into her pleading on the promise that things would be different in the future 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Aaron2023 said:

 I had a conversation with her about curbing the amount of alcohol we drink. 

Unfortunately you already know the relationship was abusive and toxic. All you can do moving forward is to delete and block her.

Take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Retool your lifestyle. Perhaps this will help:

https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

[SooSad33]

48 minutes ago, Aaron2023 said:

When she left I immediately removed her and blocked her from my Facebook. I haven't heard from her since Saturday, so clearly it's over.

In all honesty this was the right thing to do, to end it. But I wish it didn't get this messy

With someone like this, you can't help but have it end up being messy.

But, thankfully she is gone.. and you'll realize in a short amt of time the relief 😉 .

Hey, toxic is toxic!  she was constantly affecting you in a negative!

Don't feel bad, she's likely the type to blow anyone over with her constant crap. And she won't get far with this 'want' she's got with having a family someday, seeing how she can be so dramatic & nasty within a short amt of time.

Good on you.  You've removed her now, she'll get the point. And do NOT cave in to answer if she tries to contact you!  Be stronger than that- as you know exactly how it will end.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Aaron2023 said:

"I think it's time to end it now, seeing as you don't talk, I still want to go on this holiday, we can go and just do our own thing seperatly"

 

Who paid for holiday? Was it you or you splited expanses? Asking because she changed her story pretty fast after she realized holiday would be off. And that you just accepted break up. Like she is more interested in holiday than in dating you and that you are just somebody who finances things.

Sadly, I think you ran into that type. Probably pretty, on every social network in existance, inflated ego that thinks how she is above you and that you are only there to finance her whims and say "Yes Dear". And if its like that, you can thank to your God its over and that she is not in your life anymore.

[Aaron2023]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Who paid for holiday? Was it you or you splited expanses? Asking because she changed her story pretty fast after she realized holiday would be off. And that you just accepted break up. Like she is more interested in holiday than in dating you and that you are just somebody who finances things.

Sadly, I think you ran into that type. Probably pretty, on every social network in existance, inflated ego that thinks how she is above you and that you are only there to finance her whims and say "Yes Dear". And if its like that, you can thank to your God its over and that she is not in your life anymore.

To be fair we paid half and half for the relationship.

 

But think of the cheek? She spoke to me in abuse way, told me to Shvt The Fvk up, then instead of apologising she ended the relationship, and even after ending it with me, she was still expecting to go on the holiday with me, and we basically do our own thing separately.

 

Who in the right mind dumps a person, but still clings onto the holiday with them lol

I think that might actually had been a ploy for me to get back together with her.

She dumped me, however if I still went on the holiday with her, she probably thought we can rekindle the relationship on holiday.

 

I think it was just a tactic she enjoyed 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Aaron2023 said:

 instead of apologising she ended the relationship.

It was probably the best thing to do since you threw her out and it's been this toxic.  You're better off without each other.

[MissCanuck]

3 break-ups in 8 months means this relationship badly needed to end. You are not a match. 

How old are you both? 

[Aaron2023]

She's 25 I'm 35.

 

In regards to the break ups. 

The first one was literally minor, we stopped talking for about half a day, so very insignificant. 

The second break up was for a couple of days when she was verbally abusive and I walked out from her house and she ended it later.

And now this third break up.

[MissCanuck]

I figured there was an age difference. 

In the end, it doesn't matter what kind of break-ups you've had. The point is that it's not normal to be breaking up so much, and certainly not in a such a short relationship. 

Time to move on. 

[Aaron2023]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I figured there was an age difference. 

In the end, it doesn't matter what kind of break-ups you've had. The point is that it's not normal to be breaking up so much, and certainly not in a such a short relationship. 

Time to move on. 

I think because we have a mixture of great times, then suddenly the bad times, I was holding onto some hope that things might change.

 

The first little break I put it down to wires crossed and a hiccup.

The second big break up, I knew something was wrong and I knew I needed to walk away.

 

The third one which happened only this weekend, the entire weekend I felt miserable it was just back and forth arguing, no intimacy and then finally I got pushed to edge where I had to essentially kick her out.

Honestly the alcohol didn't help and I did feel awful for making her leave like that, but I realized that she brings the WORSE out of me.

And I carry too much resentment from all the problems and issues we have, and I think in that moment it all came out.

[Aaron2023]

I am really struggling with my emotions today.

 

I honestly hate how things  ended.

Because I was so upset and angry and quite tipsy on top of that, my frustration came out and I became emotional and said some hurtful things to her.

 

I told her that sometimes I no longer find you that attractive because of all the arguments you instigate.

 

I also mentioned that since she lost her employment, it's me who has supported her financially.

She also said some hurtful things to me. It shouldn't have gotten that nasty.

 

It would have been best if I had simply sent her home quietly, without hurtful words being exchanged between us.

 

I even feel like texting her, and apologising from my part, but that could potentially open up communication, which I don't think will be a good idea.

[Capricorn3]

You both sound toxic/dysfunctional with each other.  Incompatible.  What's done is done. Move on.  Best thing one can do is learn from this experience and not repeat it in a future relationship.

Now take time out and get your head together. Go full NC and stick to it. 

[Aaron2023]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

You both sound toxic/dysfunctional with each other.  Incompatible.  What's done is done. Move on.  Best thing one can do is learn from this experience and not repeat it in a future relationship.

Now take time out and get your head together. Go full NC and stick to it. 

Yes it is clear that we are not compatible. I think because so many different problems that have happened within the relationship, my emotions got the best of me.

 

Nc is the only way 

[TacticalLinguine]

5 hours ago, Aaron2023 said:

She's 25 I'm 35.

On a different forum you’re 45. You also left out comments about sex because your feet were held to the fire over them on said forum. 
 

Start dating women your own age. Half of the time it sounds like you’re scolding her the way a parent would. It’s bizarre. 

Would like to hear her side.