I'm (23M) not sure if my friend (21F) is romantically interested in me

[alcoholicparty7]

A little bit about me first: I'm a pretty socially awkward / introverted individual - I'm not the best at picking up social cues. One of my goals for the year was to break out of being so introverted and try and make some new friends. I figured a good way to do this is to "go with the flow" and see where that takes me, so a lot of the choices I've made recently has a "whatever" vibe to it. I'm down for anything and whatever happens, happens.

Here's the story: Around April of this year, I started talking to this girl. One day out of boredom, I was channel surfing on Twitch, hopping between streams and saying hi in chats. I came across this girl who was streaming to like 3 other viewers and decided to say hi. We all chatted with each other through messages and eventually we created a group Discord chat to play games together and talk on call there. We played with each other for a couple of days, but the group chat went pretty silent after that; we're all still cool, though.
However, this girl (the streamer) DM'd me privately one day and we started talking on our own for a while. She mentioned to me that she didn't really have many friends where she lived, and she liked having someone to talk to and listen to what they had to say. She would call often but I was okay with this - I was trying to make a new friend after all. Eventually we started talking every day, and we still talk every day. She's the one that calls me every day, too (though that may be because my work schedule is consistent while her's is different every week, so she knows when to call). We chill, watch shows/ movies, play Uno via Discord, and talk about whatever. Sometimes there's a flirty comment from one of us here and there. I didn't really have a crush on her until recently, but more on that later.
Anyway, you're probably thinking: the answers obvious. Well, here's where I'm confused with all this.
Occasionally she'll talk about other guys. Her past exes, one-time flings with guys, stuff like that. She's really open / unfiltered with what she says, but as per my "go with the flow" rule, I pay it no mind. She mentions her attempts to try and get back together with her exes or conversations she has with these random guys on her dating apps. She seems pretty interested with them when she brings them up, but nothing serious ever comes out of them.

When we first started talking, she was pretty stressed out because unfortunately it was the death anniversary of her last boyfriend. He committed suicide while they were dating, and I think that trauma still affects her. She thought he was "the one", and she's trying to find someone that matches his energy.

So why does she talk to me? She definitely talks to me more than any other guy - she's even said it herself. But is that because she just needs a friend to talk to or is it something more?

I never really know what she's actually thinking or what's going on in her mind, either. A little history about her: she's a recovering drug addict, smokes weed still (to help her anxiety / sleep though), and has dealt with a lot of trauma (family, the death of her boyfriend, etc.). Honestly, when we first started talking I thought she was a little psychotic with how she would talk about some things. It made me uncomfortable sometimes, but it was a great exercise for me opening up in conversation, which is why I kept talking to her. I didn't expect us to be long term friends at first. Now knowing all that she's been through, I found it all... kinda relatable? We've related on a lot of things, and it's been really comfortable talking to her now. I think that's why I have feelings for her now, despite the red flags.

I'm perfectly okay with staying just friends, but I just feel like she might possibly be into me? I don't want to ruin the friendship by jumping this onto her all of a sudden either. Again, really bad with social cues here.

I don't know, does this seem like she just needs a friend situation, or do you think she might be romantically interested in me?

[JoyfulCompany]

I commend you for deciding to break out of your shell. However, I'm not sure that currently you're "going with the flow" as per the original plan. You're focusing way way way too much on this one person, so I want to ask - are you still trying to meet other people? How about meeting them live and not over chat? How about local dating?

I assume you never met her in real life, never spent time together in person, is that correct?
Talking to someone every day is perfectly capable of creating strong attachment. But it never gives you the real feeling of what the person is actually like. We all try to present our most pleasant side when we have the opportunity to keep some distance. I don't mean in a malicious way. Even if we share about our darker traits, we rarely subject the other party to them, which in person inevitably happens.

What I'm trying to say is it looks like you're putting all your "communication eggs" in a very risky single "basket". Risky, because of the above mentioned lack of live contact (and thus - fantasy building) and also her having to deal with addiction, trauma, anxiety, etc. I'm not judging her for having to deal with issues (although I hope she has a more sustainable strategy than just to smoke weed) but it's difficult to be around people who have deep-seated issues and not get sucked in. Also, never ignore red flags.

So, I would suggest it's best to stay on a casual "just friends"/"chat buddies" course. Detach a little bit, create some space in this connection. Engage in more activities which don't include her, it's not necessary to share your whole days with her, nor talk every single day. Try to socialize with other people too. And in person. And perhaps give dating a chance?

I know this wasn't your original question but I think regardless of how she may view you, it's not something to further pursue anyway.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, alcoholicparty7 said:

when we first started talking I thought she was a little psychotic with how she would talk about some things. It made me uncomfortable sometimes,

For example? 

[Batya33]

How do you know she is who she says she is?What kind of background check have you done? How do you know she is the one typing to you and it's not another person/one of her friends.  Especially since this is just an online chat buddy if you suspect she has serious mental health issues I'd stay away.  This is your cue to push yourself out of your comfort zone and get out there.  The best recommendation I have for shy/introverts- go volunteer backstage at a local community or church theater.  I've recommended this to others and it works out so well.

[alcoholicparty7]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

For example? 

She would talk to multiple guys at the same time (all from different areas) and say that they're all her boyfriends. At first I thought she was joking, but sometimes she would call said guys. Not that psychotic but it made me a bit uncomfortable.

She also used to talk about her drug addiction and how she was involved with a lot of sketchy / underground gang members that plugged her with drugs, including weed. She would talk about being involved in a lot of risky / illegal activities with them in the past, such as getting into fights over drugs she was owed. I should've started out with this example instead.

She smokes a lot, and at first I thought that meant she relapsed and still involved with them, but I found out later that she smokes weed to help with her anxiety, calm her tremors and help her go to sleep. 

[alcoholicparty7]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

How do you know she is who she says she is?What kind of background check have you done? How do you know she is the one typing to you and it's not another person/one of her friends.  Especially since this is just an online chat buddy if you suspect she has serious mental health issues I'd stay away.  

I should've mentioned that we video chat every day, not just through text. We've gotten to know each other well and we have developed a good level of trust. We both shared as much as we would share with someone we don't know in real life, that is.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, alcoholicparty7 said:

She would talk to multiple guys at the same time (all from different areas) and say that they're all her boyfriends. At first I thought she was joking, but sometimes she would call said guys. Not that psychotic but it made me a bit uncomfortable.

She also used to talk about her drug addiction and how she was involved with a lot of sketchy / underground gang members that plugged her with drugs, including weed. She would talk about being involved in a lot of risky / illegal activities with them

And you find this relatable?

My guy, this woman is not very stable. She's dealt with a lot, yes, but she is not someone you should get too close to. I wouldn't encourage you to try to make anything more of this than a chat buddy. 

She's not going to be the one who can offer you a healthy relationship. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, alcoholicparty7 said:

I should've mentioned that we video chat every day, not just through text. We've gotten to know each other well and we have developed a good level of trust. We both shared as much as we would share with someone we don't know in real life, that is.

Yes I understand. What’ sort of background check have you done ?  As you know she can share all your info with the gang members etc she was or is affiliated with. 

[Kwothe28]

Just because you decided to be open to a new experiences doesnt mean you have to find most toxic person in existance and be friends with them. Druggie who would probably do anything for a fix. Including streaming and hassling people from chat. Get away from there before she starts taking your money.

Also no, Twitch streamer doesnt like you. Twitch streamer is like a waitress. They are required to be nice to you so they can take your money. Only Twitch streamers are worst because unlike waitresses, you will probably never see or interact with Twitch streamers. So they use that to create parasocial relationship with people like you. Lonely men simps who would do anything for a social contact. So you could send them money later down the line. I know one that took 10000 dollars to meet her biggest simp. And after that used that money to travel around the world with her real boyfriend. That is your future if you continue this. And no, you wont be a boyfriend in that story.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, alcoholicparty7 said:

 One of my goals for the year was to break out of being so introverted and try and make some new friends. I figured a good way to do this is to "go with the flow" and see where that takes me, 

Please don't " go with the flow" if you're just surfing social media randomly to talk to whoever is out there. In this case you have a chat buddy who you've never met, texting and chatting all day and already in some type of imaginary "relationship".

You're actually going deeper into the hole of social isolation with this .

If you truly wish to improve social skills and make friends, you'll have to step away from jumping on one random platform to another to stay hidden and stuck behind a screen.

Do you work? Go to school? Live with your parents? 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. You will improve yourself your life, your social skills and make friends and meet women. 

Instead of "going with the flow" and merely drifting further into the abyss of cyberspace. Take control and discipline yourself.

When you commit to a group or class and show up in person, you'll break free from having no real friends and just chatting and gaming with random people out in cyberspace.

 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, alcoholicparty7 said:

When we first started talking, she was pretty stressed out because unfortunately it was the death anniversary of her last boyfriend. He committed suicide while they were dating, and I think that trauma still affects her. She thought he was "the one", and she's trying to find someone that matches his energy.

So why does she talk to me? She definitely talks to me more than any other guy - she's even said it herself. But is that because she just needs a friend to talk to or is it something more?

I feel you've been her emotional pillow.  Sounds like the loss of her bf was quite recent ( as you said you two began talking back in April ( 2 mos ago), not long after her loss?

 

11 hours ago, alcoholicparty7 said:

I never really know what she's actually thinking or what's going on in her mind, either. A little history about her: she's a recovering drug addict, smokes weed still (to help her anxiety / sleep though), and has dealt with a lot of trauma (family, the death of her boyfriend, etc.). Honestly, when we first started talking I thought she was a little psychotic with how she would talk about some things. It made me uncomfortable sometimes, but it was a great exercise for me opening up in conversation, which is why I kept talking to her

Yeah, leave it at that.  If necessary, give some distance now & then, so you don't get to feeling 'too close'.

As Wiseman said, keep touring for friendships.  And be careful in the meanwhile.

You admitted she seemed a little 'off'.

[smackie9]

You can't truly know someone unless you hang out irl. That's when you can get a better feel how they interact with you.

IMO I doubt there's anything romantic going on. Girls can be emotionally attached without any sexual feelings. She's on there because she wants emotional distraction, attention, ego boosting. 

You really have to be careful who you interact with online. There's lots of people who are mentally ill that sure can fool those naive, desperately lonely people by being manipulative. 

Sure talking to people on line is a start, but you need to create friendship beyond a screen. Use the internet to find groups to do actual activities with, like going to a park to hangout, visit an amusement park, go on a weekend trip site seeing. Sitting around playing video games is not the way to make real relationships. 

One way to meet people is through your job. Meeting up for wing night at a local bar, or organize a hike, etc.  

[Andrina]

On 6/26/2023 at 8:45 AM, alcoholicparty7 said:

but I found out later that she smokes weed to help with her anxiety, calm her tremors and help her go to sleep.

 

On 6/26/2023 at 8:45 AM, alcoholicparty7 said:

She would talk to multiple guys at the same time (all from different areas) and say that they're all her boyfriends.

So she likes to have a male harem, and she smokes weed. What you see is what you get, so don't expect any of that to go away if you started dating her, which is probably unlikely because I'm assuming you're quite distant from her, which is why you've never met. If you eventually want children, you have to think about limitations of people who are on narcotics, even if they do it on a particular time schedule. If the school calls and says your child is sick, how will she pick them up from school when she's under the influence, and her career choices will be limited since many jobs require random drug tests. Since you're young, you might not have projected this far to the future, but you should.

You're hiding behind a screen, less scary for you, but it's a fantasy that you're benefiting yourself by doing this.

As said, best to get out in your local world. What would you enjoy? Book discussion groups? Co-ed sports team? Volunteering for Habitat for Humanity? Volunteering at a museum or zoo? So many things to choose from, and practice makes perfect in your social interactions. I'm shy too, but I did volunteer work in the past, at the zoo, rehabilitating a manatee, coaching my daughter's soccer team. I did those particular things not to meet a man because at the time I was in my first marriage, but I did have to interact with others, which was just great practice for that particular time in my life and benefited me in the future.

Every minute you're pouring into this cyber space communication is pulling you away from more realistic and beneficial experiences locally and in person.

IMO, you don't think very highly of yourself if this woman is all you think you're worthy of.