Am I letting my boyfriend "do enough"

[abykann]

My boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties and have been together for about two years and we're looking at moving in together in a few months. I live in a fixer-upper house that I bought almost 2 years ago and he lives with his family in a town about 20-25 minutes away.

We've had issues in the past where my boyfriend felt I didn't let him help enough with the house, or in general. And he was absolutely right! I tend to be very independent, I have a very hard time asking for help, and often my father would help me with bigger projects around the house since he was a shorter 10 minute drive away and this ended up being some nice quality time for us together. But still, I made an effort to accept more help from my boyfriend and take him up on his offers to help.  

Recently I was asked by a neighbour to take some extra boards off a shared fence and my father ended up doing it. My boyfriend wasn't available on the day my dad came over, and I had actually told my dad twice that he didn't need to come over and do it but he insisted. Things aren't particularly great at home for him and sometimes I feel like he takes these opportunities to get out of the house and spend some quality time with me.

My boyfriend was really upset that he didn't get to help out with the fence when he offered. This triggered a whole conversation about how still thinks I don't let him help with anything and that our relationship is not where it should be because I turn to my dad for certain bigger projects. He thinks that at this point in us dating, he should be doing almost everything. This seems a bit absurd to me, I've never heard of this rule. He also said that the things I do ask him for help with are small and insignificant, they're "nothing", which kinda hurt because they weren't nothing for me.

Now I'm confused at where to go next. I've offered to try to coordinate projects so that him and my dad can both work on them and he begrudgingly agreed but you could tell he was still unhappy. I just don't think it's fair for my house to be his "testing grounds" when he has somebody offering to teach him first. He also has an incredibly busy schedule which means that if I rely on him entirely, I could be waiting weeks to finish a project that my dad and I could get done in 4 days.

I can't help but feel like this isn't even about helping me...especially since he called all of his help to me insignificant. Even when I do agree to let him help with something bigger, he'll be upset that I don't want it done right away (e.g. he wanted to tear down my front porch when I won't even be buying new materials to rebuild it for another 3 weeks).

My boyfriend is great when it comes to everything else but this thing is really throwing me off. He's never come across as misogynistic but this little part of me feels like this is more about gender roles and pushing out my dad than actually wanting to be helpful. Maybe I'm totally missing something here, I just don't know how to find a compromise here when I have two people that I love who want to help...one who's closer, more experienced, and has more time, and the other who wants to learn and be more involved. Why can't I have both? And what does it have to do with the stability of our relationship??

[Wiseman2]

Once he moves in he can help out as much as he wants. When he does move in, you'll probably need better boundaries with your parents.

[Coily]

6 minutes ago, abykann said:

I can't help but feel like this isn't even about helping me...especially since he called all of his help to me insignificant. Even when I do agree to let him help with something bigger, he'll be upset that I don't want it done right away (e.g. he wanted to tear down my front porch when I won't even be buying new materials to rebuild it for another 3 weeks).

 

In a sense it's not about helping you, it's about your BF proving to you that he is worth more to you than just the fun things. Now don't mistake that for ego, for many men it's about proving that they are providers; an instinctual thing.

Also don't mistake this for wanting to push your dad out, it's more along the lines that your BF wants to prove that he too is capable of providing the same level of help as your dad. It's a complex thing, but think of it in terms of you offered to cook a fabulous meal for your BF, but he decided to go home to mom and have spaghetti-Os.

There is an element too that he wants to show he is useful around the house for the big projects you find valuable. He wants to work with you, and have quality time with you, not your dad. Now if you want your BF to learn from your dad, maybe your dad has a project or two your BF can help with at your dad's place.

This right now is setting the tone for your relationship down the road. If your BF feels that he never contributes to Big Projects, that you don't value him as a handyman; he may withdraw from wanting to help in future.

[abykann]

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

If your BF feels that he never contributes to Big Projects, that you don't value him as a handyman; he may withdraw from wanting to help in future.

I totally understand that he feels good contributing his help, and I want to include him in these things! There are so many things I need his help with...he helped move me into the house, he helped my dad and I install a concrete patio, he basically did all of the heavy lifting when I was hurt in a car accident and couldn't do it myself. I could involve him in a dozen different things but whenever my dad helps, usually because he's at work, he's upset about it.

He also doesn't want to do these things with me, in fact when he has done projects with me he treats me like I'm invisible. He just wants to do it. I asked his help to hang a curtain rod and he was once again annoyed about the insignificance of it....

[smackie9]

You two need to communicate better because your Bf only responds with assumptions, and passive/aggressive accusations. Time to sit down and go over each other's perspectives on all aspects of your relationship. Like what needs to be understood, how to communicate properly, ask, don't assume, express feelings/expectations, etc. Tell him you don't like his attitude towards your dad helping out, etc. Just calmly learn to talk things out in a mature manner. 

I would suggest couples counseling before he moves in. It might do ya both some good.  

[Kwothe28]

42 minutes ago, abykann said:

He's never come across as misogynistic but this little part of me feels like this is more about gender roles and pushing out my dad than actually wanting to be helpful.

People throw words like that without understanding meaning of them. Mysoginistic would be if he said "Dont be silly, woman cant do job like that". Just because he wants to feel helpful in a home where he would probably live, doesnt mean he hates women. It just means he would like to help and feel that he contributes. And that feeling you are "cutting" from him by always inviting your dad.

Also, what is the problem with them both doing the work? Most of the work you mentioned doesnt need to be done immediately but could be done over the weekend when both of them are free.

[abykann]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You two need to communicate better because your Bf only responds with assumptions, and passive/aggressive accusations.

This is pretty true, he gets really defensive and passive aggressive if we get into arguments. We've worked a lot on communication and have cone really far since the beginning of our relationship but clearly we still have more work to do.

[abykann]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

Mysoginistic would be if he said "Dont be silly, woman cant do job like that".

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

Also, what is the problem with them both doing the work?

I definitely don't feel like he's a misogynistic man, that feeling was triggered by some if his complaints that came out in our conversation. One of his helping complaints was "You never even let me cut the grass!" But I like mowing my lawn because it helps me keep stock of things and he's expressed multiple times that he hates gardening and would prefer I do that myself. The odd time he has helped he with the garden he just sprayed the hose full power at my flowers and crushes them lol. I didn't get mad but I did give him a pointer and his response was "I just won't do this then". He also said he doesn't care about decisions about cabinet hardware / paint colours / curtain rods and seemed annoyed that I ask for his opinion, which he doesn't give. It was feeling very "this is man's work, that is woman's work" but he never came right out and said it.

And I agree, I would love for them to work together! One of the projects we did took 5 days and my dad and I both took vacation time. He helped for 2 of the days and called it insignificant because he wasn't there the rest of the time due to work. I had rented equipment so I was unfortunately on a tight schedule and couldn't spread the work out over 3 weekends for him.

[itsallgrand]

Is it going to be both your house and him putting his chunk of money in or is he going to be moving into your house?

 

 

[abykann]

8 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Is it going to be both your house and him putting his chunk of money in or is he going to be moving into your house?

It's my house, until we decide to get married I will make 100% of the mortgage payments, I will pay 100% of repairs and improvements, I will pay insurance and property taxes. We will split utilities and groceries, I'm not even planning to charge him rent.

[itsallgrand]

2 minutes ago, abykann said:

It's my house, until we decide to get married I will make 100% of the mortgage payments, I will pay 100% of repairs and improvements, I will pay insurance and property taxes. We will split utilities and groceries, I'm not even planning to charge him rent.

Ok then, maybe it's just me but the house isn't his concern then nor what you do with it! 

Very weird for him to focus on that when he should be focused on building something of his own!! 

 

[abykann]

Just now, itsallgrand said:

Ok then, maybe it's just me but the house isn't his concern then nor what you do with it! 

I'm always grateful for his help, but yes I really don't understand why he's so worked up about it at this point. Not to mention I'm the driving force for discussing us moving in together. He had suggested it several times before I was ready but he never wants to actually talk about the logistics of it. When I try to talk about things he says I'm just delaying us moving in together. He seems to have this idea that he'll magically just move in with me and everything will be perfect. I've had 15+ different roommates over 6 years and I know that adjusting to other people in your space is a process. He's only ever lived with his family and I don't think he's taking this seriously enough.

[itsallgrand]

13 minutes ago, abykann said:

I'm always grateful for his help, but yes I really don't understand why he's so worked up about it at this point. Not to mention I'm the driving force for discussing us moving in together. He had suggested it several times before I was ready but he never wants to actually talk about the logistics of it. When I try to talk about things he says I'm just delaying us moving in together. He seems to have this idea that he'll magically just move in with me and everything will be perfect. I've had 15+ different roommates over 6 years and I know that adjusting to other people in your space is a process. He's only ever lived with his family and I don't think he's taking this seriously enough.

Ok that is what I was thinking reading your posts. 

I think maybe you need to step back and let him catch up with you before moving in together.

I'm a stranger but my initial impressions reading. 

Maybe see if he will move out on his own himself first before moving him in? See if he can show up and get the time to see too if you can meet on the communication side of things. It's so important. 

[Batya33]

What is his reason for wanting to live in your home? Is it partly for convenience?

[abykann]

50 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What is his reason for wanting to live in your home? Is it partly for convenience

It's mostly because we think it's the right next step for our relationship. I know not all people may agree but I do think it's good to live woth somebody before you get married because you see a different side of them. It would also be nice to see each other more but there really isn't much that makes it more convenient for us.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, abykann said:

Recently I was asked by a neighbour to take some extra boards off a shared fence and my father ended up doing it. My boyfriend wasn't available on the day my dad came over, and I had actually told my dad twice that he didn't need to come over and do it but he insisted.

 

3 hours ago, abykann said:

Now I'm confused at where to go next. I've offered to try to coordinate projects so that him and my dad can both work on them and he begrudgingly agreed but you could tell he was still unhappy. I just don't think it's fair for my house to be his "testing grounds" when he has somebody offering to teach him first. He also has an incredibly busy schedule which means that if I rely on him entirely, I could be waiting weeks to finish a project that my dad and I could get done in 4 days.

Right, does he know of this fact?  He's busy but your dad is closer & more available. This should not be a big deal. 

I get the impression he's trying to 'prove himself', but it's not necessary.  It is your home & your dad is around to help.  That should be fine.

Maybe he's showing some of his true colours? 

I suggest you give it a little more time and see how it goes with him.  If he doesn't stop reacting like a child, give him the boot. Because HE needs to listen to reason and accept what is. 

[abykann]

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Right, does he know of this fact?  He's busy but your dad is closer & more available. This should not be a big deal. 

He's aware of all of this, and that my dad had plans to come to my house anyway that day. And I obviously know that he can take apart a fence, the only reason I couldn't do it is because I don't own a drill and it was taking hours to do it by hand with a screw driver.

Both of our fathers are incredibly handy and I know my boyfriend idolizes that. He just seems to think that they learned by walking out there and giving it a go! When in reality, they learned from people too.

I'm happy to find a solution that works for both of us here, but the idea that I need to stop asking my dad for help now that I have a boyfriend is absolutely foreign to me. Even his father has helped me out with things before! Family helps family, right?

[smackie9]

This is why you should go to couples counseling....to get to the root of his behavior. Men are not the best with communicating their feelings...instead they act out childishly. I tell you this, you need to get this addressed before he moves in because the first year of adjustment is going to be rough. 

[abykann]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This is why you should go to couples counseling

I'm in therapy myself and I wish he would consider giving it a try. I would be shocked if I could ever convince him unfortunately. 

[smackie9]

Just now, abykann said:

I'm in therapy myself and I wish he would consider giving it a try. I would be shocked if I could ever convince him unfortunately. 

Therapy and counseling are two different things. Counseling is more for resolving problems between two people. Having a mediator there to hash things out. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, abykann said:

It's mostly because we think it's the right next step for our relationship. I know not all people may agree but I do think it's good to live woth somebody before you get married because you see a different side of them. It would also be nice to see each other more but there really isn't much that makes it more convenient for us.

OK I understand (had I done so - it would have been entirely unrealistic because -LOL -we became parents less than 3 months after marriage - us and our newborn in my 550 sq foot apartment.  We took many long holidays plus did multi-day sleepovers over the years we were together -and lived together briefly in our first time dating which also was completely irrelevant to married with baby living together - so I personally didn't learn anything new or have any real adjustment based on not officially living together before - obviously I respect that you feel differently!).

I just wanted to make sure that you two were on the same page and hope you enjoy and have fun with getting engaged and setting a date!

[SooSad33]

40 minutes ago, abykann said:

I'm happy to find a solution that works for both of us here, but the idea that I need to stop asking my dad for help now that I have a boyfriend is absolutely foreign to me. Even his father has helped me out with things before! Family helps family, right?

Exactly.  Whoever's available and is able to help out, for sure. 😉 

[Andrina]

What came to mind is love languages. Do you think that "Acts of Service" is his how he mainly shows his love to you? Perhaps he feels like he's barred from this, and is acting out.

I just wanted to ask what he's like in other areas. What do you two do together to enjoy life? Does he handle his money well/not a spendthrift, frugal in good way but also having fun money? How does he treat his own family? Does he have any good friends? 

According to what you will charge him when he lives with you--I think it's a big mistake to only charge him half of the utilities and groceries. Certainly, he shouldn't pay half the mortgage, but you are giving him shelter. I would guess what he'd be paying you would amount to about $325 per month. Is it really fair that he be able to pack his savings account with oodles of money he doesn't have to pay an apartment landlord, whereas perhaps you have no money left after all your bills are paid to pad your savings account. He'd be paying at least $800 a month for a studio, depending on location. You should at least tack on $200 for rent besides half the utilities and groceries. He's still getting a bargain.

As far as his urge to help, I'd sit him down when both of you are mellow and tell him that it's great he wants to fix up the house, but that how he's been regularly upset and how he's communicating his upset to you, is stressing you out. 

Tell him you enjoy your dad's company, and your bf is going to have to do some bending in that area, and then you can tell your bf in what ways you will bend. (Come up with that plan, and then present it). You are a team and need to come up with a consensus.

And if you begin using your dad less for house repair, make sure you two just meet for lunch to get in Dad and daughter time.

And yes, do discuss the financial plan and chore plan BEFORE you two move in together, to make sure you're on the same page. If he won't communicate about that, this is a major hurdle to achieve a happy union.

What is it about him that makes him a great prospect for a lifetime partner? Just curious how you came to this decision, and making sure you're just not going with the flow and have thought about it in great detail.

[abykann]

38 minutes ago, Andrina said:

What came to mind is love languages. Do you think that "Acts of Service" is his how he mainly shows his love to you? Perhaps he feels like he's barred from this, and is acting out....

To answer your first question, I do think acts of service is one of his love languages. Since the first time he brought this issue up, I've gone out of my way to offer opportunities for him to help. I used to really struggle with accepting help and favours from people and this was deeply rooted in past trauma, which I explained to him. I made a huge effort to change this for him and honestly hadn't realized until recently that we was still feeling upset.

As for the rest, he can be pretty frugal with his spending, we both earn similar incomes with me earning slightly more. He has an incredibly close relationship with his family, but they grant him much more independence than my family does with me. We had a rocky beginning to our relationship but have been really solid since, we have many common interests, we enjoy each other's company and it has overall felt like a very healthy relationship. This issue just feels like the next "relationship speedbump" but I can't even put myself in his shoes to understand the issue.

I definitely feel like we need to find common ground, one of the main reasons that I still want my dad's help is because my bf simply doesn't have the experience to do certain things and I worry about him getting hurt or causing serious damage to the house. One instance of him being upset was over me not allowing him to take a blowtorch to my water-main under the house when it froze in the winter. He had no idea where the pipes actually were and I preferred to have my father handle it, (with bf's help) because he knew exactly where everything was. 

As for the rent situation, we're trying to avoid being deemed common-law married. In our country we would be considered a de-facto couple after just 12 months which applies many of the same rules for actual marriage/divorce and would be incredibly complicated if we separated. We aren't ready to be married yet so the plan is for him to keep his old address legally and live in the house informally. Charging rent would create a strong paper trail to support a de-facto marriage if anything ever happened.

[Jibralta]

19 hours ago, abykann said:

He thinks that at this point in us dating, he should be doing almost everything. This seems a bit absurd to me, I've never heard of this rule. He also said that the things I do ask him for help with are small and insignificant, they're "nothing", which kinda hurt because they weren't nothing for me.

Oh lord, how exhausting. Tell him to buy his own house and fix it up lol.