Dealing with relationship anxiety & insecurity

[jrunner81]

Hello, everyone.

I am in need of some advice.  Here is a bit of backstory.  A year ago, my husband passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly from sepsis.  We had been together for 22 years, ever since I was only 18 years old.  Unfortunately, our marriage was not in a healthy place when he passed away.  For many years, we had a very toxic relationship.  I won't go into all of the nitty gritty details because it would be a novel, but, in brief, he was very emotionally/mentally abusive, narcissistic, and developed an issue with substance abuse the last decade or so of our marriage.  He treated me like dirt.  I should have left, but I loved him too much and thought I could "fix" him, which I now realize was a ridiculous thought process for me to have.  My husband had MANY serious health issues and I always knew that he would die before me, but I never expected it to be this soon.  I became a widow at only 40 years old.  In just one week, it will be exactly a year since his passing.

Almost 4 months ago (in early March), I met an amazing guy online and we went on our first date on March 12th after texting and talking on the phone for about a week.  The date was INCREDIBLE.  We instantly connected and spent almost the entire date laughing until we cried.  The date lasted for about 8 hours!  We didn't even realize how much time had passed because we were having such an amazing time together.  It was like nothing I've ever experienced.  He is 16 years older than me, but that doesn't bother either one of us.  We both admitted that we felt an incredible connection and chemistry with each other.  It feels as if we've known each other for years.  We both feel extremely comfortable with each other.  Ever since our first date, we have spent every single weekend together (the entire weekend), minus the weekend right after his mother passed away last month.  Obviously, he couldn't get together that weekend as he was out of state helping his family make funeral arrangements.  He spent 2 days at her bedside in the nursing home until she passed.  However, aside from that, we have spent EVERY weekend together since early March.  We text every single day during the week when we're not together (I work full-time Monday-Friday and he has things to do during the week as well, so weekends are when we spend time together).  This guy has been nothing but consistent.  He has never once broken plans with me.  Even when he was really sick one weekend in April, he still showed up because he didn't want to disappoint me.  He communicates with me via text every single day when we're not together.  We text each other "good morning" every single morning without fail.  Some days, we text for hours.  Whenever we are together on the weekends, we ALWAYS have an amazing time just enjoying each other's company.  We usually go out of town on the weekends and just have fun, relax, and enjoy the weekend together. 

Despite all of this, I am struggling greatly with severe relationship anxiety and insecurities.  I have recently come to realize that I have an anxious attachment style.  I keep having these irrational fears that he is eventually going to start losing interest in me and not want to see me or talk to me anymore.  I have this serious fear of abandonment that I simply cannot control.  If he doesn't text me for hours, I start panicking when, in reality, I have no reason to panic, because I ALWAYS hear from him and I know that he has other things to do during the week than text me all day long.  I have NO idea why I feel this way, because he has never given me any reason to have these thoughts and fears.  It's completely irrational.  In fact, just last month, right after he came home from his mother's funeral to spend a couple of days with me, right before we went to sleep, he said to me, "You truly are a blessing in my life."  I told him that I feel the exact same way about him.  We have yet to put any labels on our relationship and neither of us have dropped the "L bomb" yet, although we have both strongly hinted that we have real feelings for each other.  I have fallen deeply in love with him and I so badly want to tell him how I feel and tell him that I love him, but I am terrified to say it first.  Maybe he feels the same way and is also afraid to say it first.  I think he might simply be taking things slow because he went through a nasty divorce about 10 years ago.  Either way, my feelings for him are only growing stronger and stronger and I am terrified of losing him.  He has no idea that I struggle with these anxieties and insecurities.  He thinks that I'm the most laid back woman he's ever met because, when we are together, I am so relaxed, carefree, and happy.  I just feel SO comfortable with him and I feel like I'm "home" whenever I'm with him.  He really means the world to me and I love him so much.  I want to be able to tell him this.  I have told him that I care deeply for him and that I am extremely grateful to have him in my life, and I have also told him how much I love and cherish our time together, so I've dropped many hints about how I feel.  He has done the same.

Last weekend, he finally introduced me to his best friend, who lives in the state just south of us, about 3 hours away.  His friend invited us to his camp on Sunday morning, so we drove down there and spent the night at his camp.  We all went out for food and drinks and had an incredible time with LOTS of laughs.  I feel like it went extremely well and I really like his best friend.  He had us laughing so hard all day and night.  I was SO happy to finally meet his best friend, who he talks about all the time.  He seems like such a great guy.  I feel like this is a very positive step in our relationship, because meeting the best friend is a pretty big deal.  It makes me feel like he's ready to let me into his circle of the people closest to him.  He actually told his friend right in front of me that I'm the most laid back person he's ever met.  When we were driving home the next morning, he asked me what I thought of his friend and I told him that I had an absolute blast and that I really like him.  I even told him to invite him to hang out with us any time.  He said, "I'm glad that you finally got to meet him."  They are extremely close and are like brothers.  I really love the relationship that they have and think it's awesome.  They worked in law enforcement together for many years. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with all of these ridiculous anxieties, fears, and insecurities that I'm experiencing?  Like I said, he has given me absolutely no reason to feel this way.  He's been nothing but consistent in his communication and with showing up every single weekend these last almost 4 months that we've been seeing each other.   Maybe this is leftover trauma from my toxic marriage?  I have no idea where it's coming from, but I just wish it would stop!  The anxiety is totally consuming me.  It's overpowering and exhausting.  I spend the entire week constantly worrying that he won't want to get together on the weekend, when that has never even happened.  I just want to be able to relax and enjoy this relationship.  It has been nothing but positive and I have fallen so hard for him.  I feel like we have developed a very deep emotional and spiritual connection.  Just now, he texted me and said that it feels like we are subconsciously thought tracking each other because we often think the same thing at the exact same time.  I'm just terrified of the thought of ever losing him.  I shouldn't be feeling this way!  At the end of every weekend, he always tells me what an amazing time he had and how our weekends together help him recharge and decompress after a busy week.  His almost 19-year-old dog and his mother both passed away within 2 weeks of each other last month and I've been there to support him and have reassured him that I will always be here for him, which he has expressed great appreciation for.  Everything has been going so well in our relationship and we've never had a bad time together.  I just need to find a way to relax, go with the flow, and let our relationship continue to progress and grow.  I wish there was a switch in my mind that I could flip to turn off or at least greatly reduce these irrational and baseless insecurities and anxieties that I'm experiencing!  

[smackie9]

I would suggest slowing down and not get so invested. Don't make this relationship your whole world is what I am saying. You are adjusting to something you never been through...loss of your husband, being released from a 22 year abusive relationship which a lot of your life was lost to, new guy is great but there's still uncertainty where you actually stand, dealing with his losses.....that is a lot to deal with. That's why you need to slow down, take time out FOR YOURSELF. Finally you have a chance to live your life, be free to do whatever you want to do, learn new things, travel, explore new relationships, new interests. Don't rely on this relationship to give you a life. You need to be more independent, and not dependent on a man to give you your happiness. I hope you understand what I am trying to get across here. Go find yourself, really discover who you are and what you can be. You have a whole lot of living to do. Enjoy dating him but don't throw your whole self into this relationship. 

[Batya33]

My guess is it comes from you being dishonest with yourself.  What you dismiss as "labels" means in reality there is no spoken commitment so either of you are free to date or try to date others/keep options open. My sense is you're waiting for him to make sure his special lady is his and that he'd never risk you getting snapped up by someone else. You seem afraid after 4 months to ask him what his future intentions are towards you if any.  

I get that you are an anxious person but this is what I think is triggering it. He sounds like a good guy and I think also you're texting far too much particularly given no exclusivity.  

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your loss. 

Change the way you think.  Instead of feeling insecure and anxious,  feel blessed,  very fortunate,  lucky and GRATEFUL.  Transform your thoughts into gratitude and you will be much happier and more secure. 

My husband is my whole world and makes me feel complete despite my being my own person,  having friends,  career,  being a mother to our sons and residing a peaceful,  stable life in the suburbs.  My husband is my better half and the love of my life.  💗  However,  instead of feeling nervous,  I'm so grateful to have met and married him all these years.  Start counting your blessings and it will make a world of difference by changing your perspective.  

[SooSad33]

I suggest you consider some prof help. A therapist could help you 'work through' your issue's, as yes, this is not a good thing and can, in time start to affect this relationship 😕 .

As you see it's eating away at you - and there's no reason for it.  Things with him seem okay, but you're not.

Yes, I do feel these are the effects of all the negativity you lived with for years.  ( the way you were conditioned- and it was for a long time!). And anxiety is awful 😕 .

So, yeah, seriously consider some prof help.  It won't hurt and I think, for this relationship to keep advancing in a positive and no ruin you, is time to focus a little on YOU.

I don't want to say you getting involved within a year of your partner passing was too soon, because I feel, in ways you were possibly ready .... in some ways.  Just not totally.

Take it easy, maybe search up 'coping skills' for anxiety.  I do it a lot.  Do you have friends you talk to or hang with on occasion?  Because it's best to TRY and not lose yourself in this relationship.  Should one day this guy be busy with friends etc , i feel will send you off the edge 😕 .. and this should NOT be.  It is not okay.

Deep breaths.. seriously.  Slow down... and work on yourself .

 

[jrunner81]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I suggest you consider some prof help. A therapist could help you 'work through' your issue's, as yes, this is not a good thing and can, in time start to affect this relationship 😕 .

As you see it's eating away at you - and there's no reason for it.  Things with him seem okay, but you're not.

Yes, I do feel these are the effects of all the negativity you lived with for years.  ( the way you were conditioned- and it was for a long time!). And anxiety is awful 😕 .

So, yeah, seriously consider some prof help.  It won't hurt and I think, for this relationship to keep advancing in a positive and no ruin you, is time to focus a little on YOU.

I don't want to say you getting involved within a year of your partner passing was too soon, because I feel, in ways you were possibly ready .... in some ways.  Just not totally.

Take it easy, maybe search up 'coping skills' for anxiety.  I do it a lot.  Do you have friends you talk to or hang with on occasion?  Because it's best to TRY and not lose yourself in this relationship.  Should one day this guy be busy with friends etc , i feel will send you off the edge 😕 .. and this should NOT be.  It is not okay.

Deep breaths.. seriously.  Slow down... and work on yourself .

 

Yes, I have friends and I see my best friend of 22 years almost daily (she was also my late husband's best friend and has always been like family to us).  We go to the gym together 5-6 mornings a week and she comes over to visit at night after work.  I also have a full-time Monday-Friday job that keeps me busy during the week (I work from home).  I definitely feel that I was ready for a new relationship in many ways.  In my marriage, I was abused, gaslit, manipulated, lied to, cheated on, treated like dirt, and neglected for so many years, which I feel is the root of my current struggles.  I was LONELY in my marriage for so long and I have been CRAVING connection and intimacy (both emotional and physical) with someone for the longest time as I hadn't had those things with my husband in years.  I have all of those things and more with this guy and it feels amazing when we are together.   He has already had times when he is busy with his best friend/business partner and that does not bother me at all.  It's just the general feelings of anxiety and insecurity that I have.  There isn't anything specific that triggers it.  I just feel this way a majority of the week when we're not together (we're only together on the weekends), despite the fact that we text every single day during the week when we're physically apart.    

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, jrunner81 said:

.  I became a widow at only 40 years old.  In just one week, it will be exactly a year since his passing. 4 months ago  I met an amazing guy  

Great you're dating. Try to catch your breath and pace yourself.

You are still grieving and it's especially difficult because of the horrible marriage. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Start fresh with good health. A therapist could help you unpack and sort out years of turmoil.

Otherwise enjoy your freedom and new endeavors.

 

[jrunner81]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Great you're dating. Try to catch your breath and pace yourself.

You are still grieving and it's especially difficult because of the horrible marriage. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Start fresh with good health. A therapist could help you unpack and sort out years of turmoil.

Otherwise enjoy your freedom and new endeavors.

 

I am in outstanding physical health.  I have been an athlete my entire life and I am in the gym 5-6 days a week for 2-3 hours.  I run 6-8 miles a day and do a great deal of weight training.  It is the anxiety that is taking a toll on me.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, jrunner81 said:

I am in outstanding physical health.  I have been an athlete my entire life and I am in the gym 5-6 days a week for 2-3 hours.  I run 6-8 miles a day and do a great deal of weight training.  It is the anxiety that is taking a toll on me.

I'm sorry you're anxious.  I wrote above what I believe might be triggering it.

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, jrunner81 said:

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with all of these ridiculous anxieties, fears, and insecurities that I'm experiencing? 

I think that at four months in, you shouldn't dismiss any anxiety, fear, or insecurity that you have about a relationship as "ridiculous." The fact is, you really don't know the guy (despite how it feels) and you're still dealing with a lot from your previous relationship. Try slowing down and listening to your gut feelings, even if you don't fully understand or agree with the apparent cause for them. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, jrunner81 said:

I am in outstanding physical health.  I have been an athlete my entire life and I am in the gym 5-6 days a week for 2-3 hours.  I run 6-8 miles a day and do a great deal of weight training.  It is the anxiety that is taking a toll on me.

That's excellent. However please address the anxiety and issues from widowhood and a longstanding abusive relationship. It's great you're dating and having fun, but the anxiety may have deeper roots than just the typical new relationship butterflies.

[Andrina]

You can change your self-talk to be more positive and productive. You can think: If a break up happens, I'll be upset, but eventually I'll be okay and move on.

The way you're operating is like trying to herd cats. Make things more simple and compact. Realize that the only person you can control is yourself. Be yourself, which is good enough for your best friend, for you, and for everyone who loves you. So if that's not good enough for a man you're dating, then he's not the right man for you.

You also have control over being the best girlfriend you can be. And again, if that's not good enough for a guy, then it's best that you two part so you can find a many who is crazy about you for the longterm.

You're in the honeymoon period, so this every weekend has become a pattern, but counting on that and anticipating dread if the pattern is interrupted is doing yourself a disservice. If he makes plans with a friend on a weekend, plan in advance some activities you can look forward to when he's otherwise engaged.

I also think it'd be wise for you to pick one of this weekend days where you make other plans that don't include him. Even as you see one friend during weekdays, you can do something with her or another friend on the weekend. This will show him that you are independent and have a full life besides him, and that if he doesn't treat you right, you're just find moving on.

And if you're not okay with this intensity you've built with him without exclusivity, after this amount of time, I'd certainly address that. If you're afraid of losing him because of this sort of discussion, then he's not the right man for you. If he says something like: "It takes me a long, long time to decide to become exclusive with a woman." Then take that as a red flag because 3 months is plenty of time to know you well enough to want this, and if not, it's time to move on.

If he's happy about this, then you can also be happy to achieve this new level.

Don't be so laid back and mellow that you're a doormat. You don't say what his recent, past relationship history has been. It's good to note any patterns in regards to that.

And you're fearing him leaving based on what's happening today since you're happy. But it's best to have a wait-and-see attitude and think: As long as he keeps treating me like the treasure I am, I want to continue on with him. If he stops putting in effort at any point, and treats me poorly, I have the self-love to end things, doing what's best for myself.

Make it about what YOU want to do versus considering what he will do and how he's feeling. Give that power to yourself, and let go of what he will do because you can't know that.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.