I Need advise

[mikerex]

My name is Ross and I am 23 years old. I currently live in the US. I have a tough situation in my relationship right now so I decided to share me story. I hope you guys have some advise for me.

My girlfriend (22) and I (23) are going to a tough time. We are having a relationship for 3 years now. And from the start of our relationship I noticed that she was more introverted than me. Like needing more alone time and giving signals of withdrawn behaviour. Sometimes I was really insecure in the beginning of our relationship about her withdrawn behaviour towards me. She expressed her withdrawn behaviour by reacting late and or blunt to my messages. And giving me less affection when we were together and especially when other people were around. Years later I accepted that and I took nothing personal. Also because the honeymoon phase was over I took it as normal behaviour. I talked to her about these situations a lot.

Last year, we were at a party and I noticed she seemed unhappy and withdrawn. I asked her what's wrong and she replied with 'nothing'. I didn't believe her and repeated the question and she'd still replied with 'nothing'. Which was driving me nuts because at that time it was clear that something was wrong and she just wouldn't tell me. We talked about the situation again and I said that I was unhappy at the way she treated me. I hated the way she was distant to me. I and though she didn't like me anymore.

I am a loveable person and I express my feelings towards her regularly. But whenever she's withdrawn to me and expresses less affection towards me it irritates me. Because I believe that I am a very good boyfriend to her I deserve love from her.

The last few months we keep talking about our difference and I noticed since we've been doing that more, the more distant she becomes. A few weeks ago, she said that she has doubts about our relationship because of this big difference in being affectionate towards each other. I keep telling her that I 've grown to accept her as a person and that I don't mind that she is a distant to me sometimes. But right now she is distant to me all the time. She keeps saying she loves me and I believe her. But she's doesn't show me she loves her.

I try to give her lots of space by texting her less. Back a little of with giving affection and keep asking her what she needs to make her feel better. She says she doesn't know and doesn't know what the future does to her feelings. She wants to accept the situation as it as and be happy with me. She only doesn't know how.

We already talked about having a break but we concluded that was not a good idea because we think that will drive us apart even more.

We decided to see keep seeing each as normal. I am really doing my best to save this relationship by giving her space and trying to have a great time with her. I just don't know what I can expect from her as I really fear that she will break up with me.

What should I do guys? :(

[Cherylyn]

I doubt you can save the relationship.  She needs to sort herself out.  You would  actually be doing both of yourselves a favor to breakup because both of you are incompatible.  She has doubts and she sounds high maintenance with her own issues and whatever is troubling her internally.  Normal relationships should be happy instead of wrought with problems. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you have different needs for affection and personal space. Try to compromise but not by suggesting breaks. Think of a way to spend quality time together where she doesn't feel suffocated and you don't feel left out.

[smackie9]

It's a condition. It's not how she thinks but how she feels. Being up all the time, affectionate, etc is physically and emotionally draining to her. This is how/who she is, and you can't change that. You should have ended it a long time ago. You made the wrong sacrifice....your total happiness and exchanged it for irritability/ hurt/frustration. The more you push on her about it, the more she will withdraw. You can't change this. This is not healthy for you. The reality is if given the opportunity to meet a nice warm inviting woman that's a friend of a friend or a coworker, etc, you will realize how starved you have been in your relationship. 

[catfeeder]

It's not possible to make someone else happy. Happiness is up to each of us to bring into a relationship with us, and that's why happy people tend to have happy relationships.

GF is not capable of doing that.

You can keep negotiating ways to keep yourself miserable with her, but it doesn't sound as though that is serving either of you in any way.

[Andrina]

I don't know why you've always clung to this dissatisfying relationship from the very beginning. Could it be you haven't had enough dating experiences to know what a good relationship feels like? Could it be that subconsciously you don't think you deserve any better, because you lack self-worth?

She could be suffering from depression, but if she wanted to seek help for that, she would've. Obviously, she's okay with the way she is and doesn't care enough about you or your relationship to make improvements.

Good relationships grow to deeper levels of seriousness and fulfillment. This relationship is regressing, with more distance and space. Like, do you really think the idea that you're toxic fumes whereas your partner needs to move away from you versus moving closer is healthy?

Love is only one element required for a satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, yours is missing many major elements. It's hard to move onto a new life, leaving what you're used to, but it's clear for your own good, how this needs to happen.

When you get time and distance from HER, perhaps you'll see things a lot more clearly and accurately, and realize that you stayed far too long. Of course, nobody's saying to jump into another relationship. You need time to mourn, heal, and work on being happy solo before venturing into the dating world again. Take care.