Nervous for a date

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

He probably had time to respond earlier and now he's busy. I'm sure there's been times when you are unable to respond. It's nothing dire. 

I think it's important to determine what you want. A texter or someone to date. Yeah, I know, some women want both. But if it came down to it, which would you prefer?

I'd say she wants a texter who wants to date.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Typing messages takes almost no effort and I didn’t message or talk long if there wasn’t another date planned. I much prefer the effort of asking out and planning a date. 

@Batya with respect, the first bolded is simply not true and not sure where this came from but I hear it a lot. 

Does it take no effort to write a letter?  Or write a message on a card?  Or communicate on this forum? 

Course not, we all put a lot time and effort into typing our responses, communicating with each other.

Why is it any different when dating?  It's not.  It still takes thought, time and effort.  I would argue it takes more effort to message as you're spending time thinking of ways to connect with this person (if it's someone you just met), making sure grammar and punctuation is correct, etc. 

Phone calls are lazy.  Pick up the phone, punch in the number and talk.  I hate phone calls and always have.  Talking over each other, interrupting each other, one person (usually the guy) monopolizing the conversation.  Hate it, hate it, hate it. 

Re second bolded, no one is disputing that ideally, spending time in person is preferable.  

It's not an either/or situation, again it's about balance. 

$.02.

 

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I never said "all moments of every day."  Not sure where you got that's what I meant.  

I am more responding to the situation of the OP.  The guy has reached out with texts.  I assume they are basic "I hope you're having a nice day" or preliminary planning for the date.

OP is struggling to get the "flirty banter" going with this person SHE HAS MET ONE TIME.  

He is not picking it up.  That's because they don't know each other, and also perhaps he's just not the "chatty" type.  Plenty of guys aren't.

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But it IS a way to stay connected that can be enjoyable and fun.  For some couples. 

They have met ONE TIME.  Not a couple, not even close. 

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I really enjoy it sometimes.  It's a fun diversion from phone calls which I dislike for various reasons and when you're not able to get together in person, or even sometimes when you can. 

Do you think Keaton and Nicholson would have had the same cute fun exchange had he called her on her cell?   Or knocked on her bedroom door? 

I highly doubt it. 

Why would we be equating a pair of characters in a rom-com to the OP and a guy she has just met one time from OLD?  

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think messaging gets a bad rap sometimes, but to each their own and as long as both people agree, it's all good. 

The main reason why it gets a "bad rap" around here is because, like in this case, we are NOT talking about couples.  It's usually people who met from OLD and start texting ALL DAY EVERY DAY (this phrase is used over and over).  

This is not sustainable,  and serves to create a false sense of intimacy.  The people (generally women) who post about their broken hearts are shattered because of the wonderful chemistry / banter / flirting that was going on ... until it wasn't.

In this particular case,  @Alex39 is ALREADY troubling herself about the quality of the texting "banter" when she doesn't even know if this guy and her are going to go anywhere:

Quote

 

I don't care if we text a lot at all. But he will reach out to me, but then he's terrible at making conversation when he does. 

I try to be cute, joking, flirty. Texting to me is great for that because you are just being light and fun. No deep conversations. He's not receptive to anything I throw out there. I told him I like joking around and such. But he doesn't seem into my cute texts. I like banter. I think it's fun. This guy is like anti-banter.

 

Granted, this might be a sign of incompatibility, but I doubt it.  I think he doesn't know her and probably is not the type of person who just willy-nilly gets into drawn out chats with people he doesn't know.   It's not worth putting weight on at this point.

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Batya with respect, the first bolded is simply not true and not sure where this came from but I hear it a lot. 

Does it take no effort to write a letter?  Or write a message on a card?  Or communicate on this forum? 

Course not, we all put a lot time and effort into typing our responses, communicating with each other.

Why is it any different when dating?  It's not.  It still takes thought, time and effort.  I would argue it takes more effort to message as you're spending time thinking of ways to connect with this person (if it's someone you just met), making sure grammar and punctuation is correct, etc. 

Phone calls are lazy.  Pick up the phone, punch in the number and talk.  I hate phone calls and always have.  Talking over each other, interrupting each other, one person (usually the guy) monopolizing the conversation.  Hate it, hate it, hate it. 

Re second bolded, no one is disputing that ideally, spending time in person is preferable.  

It's not an either/or situation, again it's about balance. 

$.02.

 

That's not what I wrote. I don't think it takes much effort to randomly text throughout the day compared to planning a date in advance, asking the person out, and showing up on time etc.  But as I wrote a lot -this is my opinion.  Phone calls were the way we mostly stayed in touch in between dates -I'm sorry you had bad experiences with phone calls.  

The way I knew a man was interested in dating me and getting to know me through dating me was when he called when he said he would, asked me out on dates he planned in advance, and when we talked he was a good listener, asked good questions about me, responded appropriately to mine, was reliable about showing up on time for dates and happy to see me, enthusiastic and fun loving too. 

I also knew men who messaged/emailed me and called without planning a date or asking me out or asking me out last minute - those men wanted to have the benefit of chatting me up, flirty banter, etc but couldn't be bothered to plan a date.  So if he hadn't asked me out yet for another date I kept our calls short/messages short and after one or two simply said "I enjoy talking with you and if you're interested in seeing me in person again that would be great."  Often I said nothing and simply stopped responding.  Which then could prompt the person to ask me out. 

I found it much more meaningful to get to know a future potential husband in person and secondarily by phone.  I gave good phone LOL. 

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Depends if the ‘omg’ was out the blue or in response to whatever convo or ‘text bants’ they were having. If the latter then no big deal, convo may of just reached its conclusion which is fine if they have a date planned now. If the former though then yep bit weird! 

It was to the conversation.  I think it ran its course. 

[Alex39]

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflection about this. 

Honestly, I think it freaked me out because in the past I was so used to guys texting me, and it would build things up fast and I always rushed into things and they always flopped. 

I've never been with anyone longer than 5 months or less. I look back and it's a regret of mine, because I rushed into things with the wrong person. I can't do that again. 

Going slow, getting to know each other organically, truly seeing if it's a good match. That's how it should be. What this guy is doing is the right way. Planning dates, not rushing. He might not be the one for me. But this is already different than anything I've had before, on the sense that it's slow. And it's forcing me to pace things out too. And I think I kind of like it. There's no pressure to be perfect or to put so much effort into texting. It's honestly refreshing. 

I need to assess if this guy is right for me. Do we share interests, but also values and vision for the future. It takes time. 

I think I'm just nervous because I go flat on what to ask him to get to know him. 

I want to do this right. I need to be smarter this time around, whether it works out or it doesn't. I need to remember my worth and not just settle because I'm excited. 

[boltnrun]

That's why I asked how those relationships worked out with the guys you "text bantered" with. 

It's smart that you're looking at your patterns and deciding if how you've been doing things is working for you. Or if trying something different might be a good idea. And to sit back and make careful decisions instead of trying to latch onto the first guy who comes along. He needs to be right for YOU, remember that. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

That's why I asked how those relationships worked out with the guys you "text bantered" with. 

It's smart that you're looking at your patterns and deciding if how you've been doing things is working for you. Or if trying something different might be a good idea. And to sit back and make careful decisions instead of trying to latch onto the first guy who comes along. He needs to be right for YOU, remember that. 

I agree. I also love how  you put it all in your last post, Alex.  I wholeheartedly agree.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. There's no pressure to be perfect or to put so much effort into texting. It's honestly refreshing.  I go flat on what to ask him to get to know him. 

It's good you're relaxing and taking your time. There's really no way to accelerate the getting to know you process. And asking interview questions won't really help that much. You'll just have to observe things.

[Alex39]

Again, I may never see him again. Yesterday he said he definitely still wants to do something Friday night. It's now Thursday and we still have no exact plan.  Maybe he won't make one. And I then just move on. 

[boltnrun]

52 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Again, I may never see him again. Yesterday he said he definitely still wants to do something Friday night. It's now Thursday and we still have no exact plan.  Maybe he won't make one. And I then just move on. 

That's a healthy attitude. No need to waste your time on someone you have to pester to date.

And also good you didn't waste time with "text banter". That would have created a false sense of "connection" that would have been harder to detach from. 

I think you're going about dating just fine. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Again, I may never see him again. Yesterday he said he definitely still wants to do something Friday night. It's now Thursday and we still have no exact plan.  Maybe he won't make one. And I then just move on. 

Keep us posted @Alex39.  I hope he reaches out soon with a plan and it all works out the way you hope. 

Bottom line, dating should be fun!  

Be happy.  💛

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, Jaunty said:

They have met ONE TIME.  Not a couple, not even close. 

Hi @Jaunty.  I already responded to Bat about this as she said same thing as you. 

But to clarify, by "couple" I simply meant two people, whether they just met, just started dating or in a relationship.

I realize Alex and her guy only had one date, but they are still two people, a couple in that sense, that's all I meant.

I still believe it's important for "two people" embarking on a dating relationship to be on the same page re communication styles otherwise chances are there will be problems.  I've seen it happen too many times.  

Alex, again I truly hope it all works out for you. 

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

19 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But keeping in touch through texting can build attraction and maintain that attraction once a relationship is developed.  Again, my opinion and experience.

I have been thinking about my past relationships today and what texting really brought to them. And I have to confess that I finally don't find much... outside maybe the little anxiety of not hearing from a guy i liked or having him reach out and making me feel better for a while.

But at the end I didn't develop more attraction towards a guy I already knew because of the texting, some of them were even way more interesting through text than in real life... would they text to much = to needy, not enough = not interested... and only when the pace/communication was good, it was because the relationship yet was good. 

I think for me, texting was a way of staying under someones radar. After my last "lovebombers" experience who would call and text frequently, I decided do slow it down. The last date I had on Sunday was great. No kiss exchanged, he seemed hesitant though. He sent me a goodnight text after that and said he had a great time. I replied equally. I try to keep it at minimum this time to see if it makes any difference. but I already see him jumping on any occasion to make jokes, pursue the conversation, ask questions, but he didn't ask me out again yet... for me this is already a bad sign...

@Alex39 my advice is: you planned something for tomorrow right? he didn't confirm the date, so you should already have others plans set up. If he reaches out just explain that you already made plans. So he will know that you are not likely to accept last minute things. 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I have been thinking about my past relationships today and what texting really brought to them. And I have to confess that I finally don't find much... outside maybe the little anxiety of not hearing from a guy i liked or having him reach out and making me feel better for a while.

 Yes -I had to have a really thick skin about dating and never wanted to give a new person especially the impression that I needed him to check in by being in touch a lot between dates.  I experienced it the other way around and for me I didn't like it at all and it often changed my initially positive first impression.  Others react differently! I would get very anxious if the man hadn't called to ask me out again.  And I knew I wouldn't and couldn't seek out reassurance from him if I wanted a potentially healthy long term relationship because the men I liked and was interested in would have found that sort of neediness a turn off.  For others it might be vastly different!

Good luck with dating!!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi @Jaunty.  I already responded to Bat about this as she said same thing as you. 

But to clarify, by "couple" I simply meant two people, whether they just met, just started dating or in a relationship.

I realize Alex and her guy only had one date, but they are still two people, a couple in that sense, that's all I meant.

I still believe it's important for "two people" embarking on a dating relationship to be on the same page re communication styles otherwise chances are there will be problems.  I've seen it happen too many times.  

Alex, again I truly hope it all works out for you. 

 

 

 

Yes -to me it's really confusing to use the term "couple" in that context.  To me they are two people who met one time and might go on a date in the future.  To me it's not just semantics.  For example if she referred to them as a couple when she texted him or saw him my best guess is he'd be freaked out.  

 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Again, I may never see him again. Yesterday he said he definitely still wants to do something Friday night. It's now Thursday and we still have no exact plan.  Maybe he won't make one. And I then just move on. 

That absolutely might happen.  I'm very much NOT tryin to step on your enthusiasm.  It's very challenging to take dating as it comes and maintain the ability to observe and react to what's coming your way based on what is ACTUALLY coming your way rather than your established patterns, what other people (like, in your case, Mom) think, your own insecurities, imagination, triggers, etc.

You have to find a balance between watching out for yourself, and being closed off.

Very steep learning curve but putting yourself out there is  very much the right thing for you to do at this point of your life.

 

[MrMan1983]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I have been thinking about my past relationships today and what texting really brought to them. And I have to confess that I finally don't find much... outside maybe the little anxiety of not hearing from a guy i liked or having him reach out and making me feel better for a while.

But at the end I didn't develop more attraction towards a guy I already knew because of the texting, some of them were even way more interesting through text than in real life... would they text to much = to needy, not enough = not interested... and only when the pace/communication was good, it was because the relationship yet was good.

Bingo 👍🏻 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I think for me, texting was a way of staying under someones radar. After my last "lovebombers" experience who would call and text frequently, I decided do slow it down.

One of the biggest pitfalls of the trend to text up a storm when people are just at the first steps of knowing each other is that you will not be able to know if they are playing with you or not.

Lots of folks - many of them on this forum - believe they can "sense" that something is "off" via a text.  I would challenge that if they met even a low mid-level player.  Words ARE easy, once you pick out the ones you are going to use.  There is not eye contact, physical chemistry, etc. to help a person figure out whether the other one is authentic.  

[boltnrun]

My ex was GREAT on the phone. Over text and actual phone calls. He knew exactly what to say to get women to fall all over him. He was charismatic in person too. 

He was a lying, cheating piece of garbage. But he could "communicate"!

[Jaunty]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He was a lying, cheating piece of garbage. But he could "communicate"!

Yes, there are a lot of "silver tongued devils" and "glad-handing salesman/woman" types who just flourish with all of this "banter" obsession.   Sometimes around here you'd think that people have never heard of "catfishing."  It doesn't have to be a 72 year old grandma  from New York pretending to be a Parisian Prince charming - it can and usually is simply somebody good with bantering and creating a connection via texting who is taking advantage of their skill.  Often just to get attention or to get somebody to like them when they fail at it in real life. 

To be fair, plenty of perfectly lovely people have the virtual gift of gab as well.  

[rainbowsandroses]

Just use discretion and common sense.  Fine tune your BS meter.  

My BS meter is extremely well tuned and I knew relatively quickly who were the players, scammers, catfishers. 

Sometimes I would play along for a laugh but never took seriously and never met them.

Now I don't bother and simply send to my trash or delete. 

As I said, I believe in balance.  A bit of texting in between dates combined with in person interaction/dates.   As mentioned, I dislike phone calls for various reasons explained in my previous.

Guys who wanted to text ad nauseum, immediate turn off.  Which made nexting easy. 

On the other hand, guys who didn't believe in texting in between dates or to build a bit of rapport prior to first date were also a turn off.  For me.  

It's all about maintaining the right balance.  If you can do that, you'll do just fine. 

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Often just to get attention or to get somebody to like them when they fail at it in real life. 

What's interesting is he is a good looking guy who has a ton of natural charisma. He was a semi-pro athlete who always had women after him. But he chose to use those skills and his good looks to lie, cheat and deceive all for his own benefit. He loved being able to "get girls" and "hook up". The more the better, even when we were allegedly in a relationship. 

That's why I look askance at men who are skilled at "text banter". I want to see them in person and see how they conduct themselves before I form some kind of "connection". 

Anyway, I can't get connected to an electronic device 😆😜  It seems weird to me to get emotional over something that has a screen and tiny little letters. Give me the real thing!

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Anyway, I can't get connected to an electronic device.. It seems weird to me to get emotional over something that has a screen and tiny little letters. Give me the real thing!

I hear this often @boltnrunand my response is there IS a real live person behind the screen, expressing him/herself, attempting to connect through the written word. 

We are emotional human beings after all with emotions, feelings and opinions.  Not programmed robots typing arbitrary meaningless words on a keyboard.

I do respect your opinion however and acknowledge there are many many people who believe same as you. 

For me, I actually express myself better via the written word.  My dad was the same (he's passed on).  So are two of my brothers. 

In this day and age that would be email and text.  I love writing and sending cards too. 

My dad used to write me the most beautiful letters.  Once email was invented, he began sending me beautiful email messages.  In person, he was about as stoic as they come. 

I suck at phone calls.   In person, I enjoy spending time together and allowing our energies to connect even if we are not talking at all.  Taking walks, sitting under a tree enjoying nature together etc. 

Anyway, to each their own, right?  Whatever works, no right or wrong.

 

 

[Jaunty]

49 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just use discretion and common sense.  Fine tune your BS meter.  

My BS meter is extremely well tuned and I knew relatively quickly who were the players, scammers, catfishers. 

Famous last words. 

I assure you that there is truly no way an accomplished b s artist is going to be detected because of "flirty text banter" that they're engaging in with a virtual stranger who've they may have met one time, or zero times.   I mean unless you are an absolutely bona fide clairvoyant.  In that case, you can let me know without any doubt what lottery ticket I need to buy today ... please!