Nervous for a date

[boltnrun]

I'm just saying it isn't WRONG if someone prefers in person interaction to texts. And that it isn't a "red flag" if the guy would rather take Alex out on a date than "text banter" during the day. 

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, Batya33 said:

To me it hurts that process and I've seen that happen many times.

Could you be more specific, with examples? 

Isn't it a question of incompatibility that has been revealed through different communication expectations ? 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Could you be more specific, with examples? 

Isn't it a question of incompatibility that has been revealed through different communication expectations ? 

For the reasons I wrote above.  No I don't think it's about "communication expectations" generally but yes -I think certainly if a person needs to be in touch regularly by text with a person they met once or wants that and acts on it that to me would be consistent with a person who is very needy/doesn't have a lot going on in their lives/wants an insta-relationship - not with a person who is interested in connecting and communicating with a new person in a healthful way and for a potentially serious relationship.

If that person needs that sort of "communication" and with that frequency that person for sure will match well with someone else who does.  And  I think in that case the risk is high of there being a fast burnout/boredom/unrealistic expectations/incompatibility in person.

I knew of one example like that many years ago -when texting like that was unusual -she was defensive about how they constantly loved being in touch - constant check ins and being in touch.  4 months in he proposed. She moved in with him and his kids over the moon a few months later and within months it crashed and burned.  All that over the moon and bonding - didn't really pan out in reality.

I know of many examples especially if it's the woman who needs all that contact where it's a turn off and/or consistent with a ONS or quick fling.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Just because something is technically communication doesn't make it appropriate, useful or positive. 

For you perhaps, and that's fine. 

But for me, it's always been a positive experience and quite useful. I have learned TONS about a person through messaging, typing words on a screen, just as we all do every day on this forum.

We are communicating and I've learned quite a bit.    It's all very positive.

However, again, no wrong or right, whatever works for both people.

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I knew of one example like that many years ago -when texting like that was unusual -she was defensive about how they constantly loved being in touch - constant check ins and being in touch.  4 months in he proposed. She moved in with him and his kids over the moon a few months later and within months it crashed and burned.  All that over the moon and bonding - didn't really pan out in reality.

Well I guess it was more a “rush in” issue, and both of them haven’t been able to recognize it was all going to fast… after one month moving in together with the kids? The constant texting was just a reflect/symptom of their lack of caution IMO. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey Batya, just curious, did you watch the movie clip I attached of Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson texting while living in the same house?  

They probably could have kept that fun text exchange going longer too as my husband and I used to do sometimes.

I know it's a movie but it's pretty typical of what happens IRL too.  

Both laughing and learning a little about each other before meeting in the kitchen for pancakes.

Anyhoo, not trying to change your opinion or anything, I respect it.

Just wondering if you watched it and what you thought about it. 

 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Well I guess it was more a “rush in” issue, and both of them haven’t been able to recognize it was all going to fast… after one month moving in together with the kids? The constant texting was just a reflect/symptom of their lack of caution IMO. 

Like I said one example of many many. Consistently doing the whole regular and constant texting overall is usually a bad idea if the people want a potentially serious relationship and even if they’re big texters generally with friends and family. Just my humble opinion !!

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hey Batya, just curious, did you watch the movie clip I attached of Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson texting while living in the same house?  

They probably could have kept that fun text exchange going longer too as my husband and I used to do sometimes.

I know it's a movie but it's pretty typical of what happens IRL too.  

Both laughing and learning a little about each other before meeting in the kitchen for pancakes.

Anyhoo, not trying to change your opinion or anything, I respect it.

Just wondering if you watched it and what you thought about it. 

 

I’m sure I did. I’m commenting on texting when you’re first getting to know each other with the potential for dating especially if you’re looking for a serious relationship.  My husband and I text also and sometimes for fun ! Nothing to do with this situation IMO. In general my opinion - it’s just an opinion- is get to know each other in person. Limit phone calls and texts early on to making and confirming plans and if you can’t see each other once a week have a phone call every several days. Learn about each other in real life situations and those only happen over a period of months. That’s where the relevant learning and communication are. IMO. And makes it more exciting IMO. Again.
 

Just my opinion based on decades of dating and many many conversations with hundreds of people about dating including very recently. 
edited to add - sorry if off topic but Rainbowroses I keep meaning to comment that I love how you in particular share about your divorce.  I find the way you share so very helpful to those who might be struggling or worse.  I just am always struck by how openly and meaningfully you discuss it.  I’m sure it helps many. Thank you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’m sure I did. I’m commenting on texting when you’re first getting to know each other with the potential for dating especially if you’re looking for a serious relationship.  My husband and I text also and sometimes for fun ! Nothing to do with this situation IMO

Batya, Keaton and Nicholson weren't dating, it was obvious there was an attraction, but they didn't really know each other and nothing had happened between them prior to this fun text exchange.  It was totally spontaneous! 

They ended up dating and getting married. 

Anyway, again just another perspective.  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Batya, Keaton and Nicholson weren't dating, it was obvious there was an attraction, but nothing had happened between them prior to this fun text exchange.  It was totally spontaneous! 

They ended up dating and getting married. 

Anyway, again just another perspective.  

Yes. From a movie. I’m sure there are many perspectives. Again it’s just my opinion as I’ve now written many times. An opinion I happen to feel strongly about and at the same time I have no need to be right. If as Alex has advice is asked about ways to be in touch early on my general input always will be not to text a lot early on or email or message or even call a lot. But especially not constant texting. Also such a bad look IMO because at some point you wonder if the person has a life - I wanted men to know I had a fun fulfilling busy life. Fo example I was almost never available to chat on a weekend evening. 
And yes if two people enjoy getting to know each other by being in touch regularly even before they meet then sure go for it. I also know of people who prefer to “date” online. And people who prefer to be on their phones during dates to scroll or photograph their food or whatever   To each his or her own. 

[boltnrun]

I don't think it's relevant what each of us prefers regarding texting with a man we just met. It seems Alex's new friend doesn't prefer texting but would rather take her out on a date. I think that's fine. Not a red flag or a big issue or cause for alarm IMO.

BTW, I do realize texting expectations are different with the younger generations. You grew up with electronics as part of your daily existence, whereas if we oldsters wanted to see or talk to someone we actually had to be physically present or at the very least be talking on a landline. 

My brother told me he got quizzed about why he has no social media. He was asked "Why not, what are you HIDING???!!" Hilarious. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think it's relevant what each of us prefers regarding texting with a man we just met. It seems Alex's new friend doesn't prefer texting but would rather take her out on a date. I think that's fine. Not a red flag or a big issue or cause for alarm IMO.

BTW, I do realize texting expectations are different with the younger generations. You grew up with electronics as part of your daily existence, whereas if we oldsters wanted to see or talk to someone we actually had to be physically present or at the very least be talking on a landline. 

My brother told me he got quizzed about why he has no social media. He was asked "Why not, what are you HIDING???!!" Hilarious. 

Yes true.  But by 2000 or so - I was 34- instant messages and email were really popular too.  I didn’t have a cell but starting in 2006 had a blackberry for emails as well. I do get that expectations have changed.  
I had many men who wanted to message and chat with me a lot before meeting or after meeting once.  I saw time and time again that my decision not to was highly positive in every way as far as getting to know the person in a healthful way. 
once my husband and I were exclusive and also long distance for awhile we spoke by phone every night we didn’t see each other. I loved those calls. So fun and bonding. We also emailed during the day and sometimes spoke briefly as needed.  The emails were often just fun banter.

There was no neediness component. We felt comfortable with each other and our level of connection and commitment. this made it so much more fun and interesting and our closeness was not from neediness. We also got to miss each other.  I think missing each other like that is a good thing. And hurling ourselves into each other’s arms after a longer time.  So romantic and fun. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, my advice is strive for balance.  A bit of texting mixed with in-person interaction. 

Texting should NOT replace in-person interaction, it's simply a way to stay connected in between dates assuming you meet and begin dating. 

JMO as always but if a man is so averse to texting that they refuse to engage in this type of communication at all, be it fun banter or simply a way of building rapport prior to first date and after, then to me that sounds very rigid and personally I don't get on well with rigid people but that's up to you. 

Not 24/7 ad nauseum, or even every day (prior to first date and during early stages).  

Again, strive for a balance. Like @Batya33, I enjoy missing a man! 

But keeping in touch through texting can build attraction and maintain that attraction once a relationship is developed.  Again, my opinion and experience.

Again, it's just another form of communicating like we all do here every day.  

I realize things are not black and white, one size fits all, BUT if a guy is unable or has no desire to communicate in this way, for me I would question his ability to communicate/express himself at all. 

My experience has been (for the most part) men who are bad at communicating via texting are poor communicators in general. 

But you do YOU, feel it out for yourself.  And good luck! 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I had many men who wanted to message and chat with me a lot before meeting or after meeting once.  I saw time and time again that my decision not to was highly positive in every way as far as getting to know the person in a healthful way.

these were very lucky men… not having to putt effort or text in between dates, I guess that’s what they all wish secretly… LOL

but again, if they are interested in a woman they will do it with much pleasure. 

texting also helps you decipher faster between the inconsistent, the ones who are not into communication (as @rainbowsandroses pointed out) the ones who lack humour (which is an essential point to me) the love-bombers, the “I love yous” after one date, the boring, the ones who have no life and would text all day long, negative personalities, the ones only looking for sex, the players, etc etc… 

You can learn a lot about someone in early stages through text, and cut people way faster… 

I also agree it’s all about balance, and trying not to reach out to much. I think it should be 80%him and 20%her. Also try not to respond immediately. Wait one hour, then 20 minutes, then 5 hours… and from time to time you reply quickly. Also try to change the pattern. Sometimes send a photo, sometimes a audio, don’t be boring, and never reach out when you have nothing to say. Avoid the “what’s up text”… 

be interesting, funny, kind like if you were talking to a friend. And never share anything too deep through text, keep this for in person meets… 

In regard to your actual guy, I also sense there is something off. Might not be that compatible with you after all. Give it another try on a second date if you feel like to, but I wouldn’t play my cards on that one… JMO 

[MrMan1983]

18 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think it should be 80%him and 20%her.

😂 Most guys would be very quickly friends zoned/ghosted, bore the lady stiff or chase the girl out their lives doing that. Texting occasionally yeh it’s alright (not sure about the whole morning, afternoon and evening thing you mentioned though?) and texting for a point eg. leading up to setting dates, but reading too much into texting styles is a slippery slope plus better to save the conversation for the date. 

[Sindy_0311]

21 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

not sure about the whole morning, afternoon and evening thing you mentioned though?

This for when you got some dates yet but aren’t exclusive. I neither expect a guy I saw once to do it automatically, but yeah, somehow, once a day is good… you had a date lately right? So how often do you text her? According the fact that you seemed interested to see her again… 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

these were very lucky men… not having to putt effort or text in between dates, I guess that’s what they all wish secretly… LOL

but again, if they are interested in a woman they will do it with much pleasure. 

texting also helps you decipher faster between the inconsistent, the ones who are not into communication (as @rainbowsandroses pointed out) the ones who lack humour (which is an essential point to me) the love-bombers, the “I love yous” after one date, the boring, the ones who have no life and would text all day long, negative personalities, the ones only looking for sex, the players, etc etc… 

You can learn a lot about someone in early stages through text, and cut people way faster… 

I also agree it’s all about balance, and trying not to reach out to much. I think it should be 80%him and 20%her. Also try not to respond immediately. Wait one hour, then 20 minutes, then 5 hours… and from time to time you reply quickly. Also try to change the pattern. Sometimes send a photo, sometimes a audio, don’t be boring, and never reach out when you have nothing to say. Avoid the “what’s up text”… 

be interesting, funny, kind like if you were talking to a friend. And never share anything too deep through text, keep this for in person meets… 

In regard to your actual guy, I also sense there is something off. Might not be that compatible with you after all. Give it another try on a second date if you feel like to, but I wouldn’t play my cards on that one… JMO 

So, he seemed great in person. I thought we had a good date. 

Yesterday, he texted me. I waited over two hours to respond, and I never heard from him. I waited until noon today and I initiated for once. He responded right away. He was chatty today. He was funny. He was sending me pictures of him at work. I was shocked. He was nice. I asked if we still had a date this week. He said yes he definitely wants to get together Friday night. 

We went back and forth for a while. It was good. Then he sent a final message of "omg" and that was it. I didn't think it warranted a response, so I never replied and now it's been hours. 

[boltnrun]

He probably had time to respond earlier and now he's busy. I'm sure there's been times when you are unable to respond. It's nothing dire. 

I think it's important to determine what you want. A texter or someone to date. Yeah, I know, some women want both. But if it came down to it, which would you prefer?

[MrMan1983]

21 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

This for when you got some dates yet but aren’t exclusive. I neither expect a guy I saw once to do it automatically, but yeah, somehow, once a day is good… you had a date lately right? So how often do you text her? According the fact that you seemed interested to see her again… 

Exchanged a couple post date on Sunday but she’s not much of a texter, then this eve I’ve text to see if she’s up for doing something again soon and to see how her weeks been 🤞 not holding high hopes though unfortunately, she didn’t respond to my hints at meeting again in those texts (not that I directly asked).
 

Before we met up we exchanged enough to know we wanted to meet up, was pretty much one every day or two for a week to make sure we had enough in common/interest to meet then set the date then we didn’t talk again till organising time and place. I feel there’s deffo a balance though, as yes would like to of had at least a bit of contact since Sat, but mainly to clarify if she wants to meet again then to organise it.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We went back and forth for a while. It was good. Then he sent a final message of "omg" and that was it. I didn't think it warranted a response, so I never replied and now it's been hours. 

This is precisely what I was referring to by being a poor communicator.  I mean what type of person texts "omg" and nothing else?

Either a man playing games hoping to elicit a reaction - "Wait"!  "What"?  "What happened"?  Leaving you in suspense and wondering if the date is still on.

Or a man who sucks at communicating.

Busy my rear end.  He knew exactly what he was doing. 

You did the right thing not responding and if me I would not message again until you hear from him. 

[boltnrun]

At my last job my employer did not allow phones on the floor. I worked ten hour shifts and was only able to access my phone if I physically left the building. I usually just left my phone in my locker or lunch bag.

I wasn't playing games and it wasn't because I was a poor communicator. I literally did not have my phone with me because it wasn't allowed. 

But of course, Alex, if you need a man who texts throughout the day you may as well write this one off and go out with someone who is into texting. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

these were very lucky men… not having to putt effort or text in between dates, I guess that’s what they all wish secretly… LOL

but again, if they are interested in a woman they will do it with much pleasure. 

texting also helps you decipher faster between the inconsistent, the ones who are not into communication (as @rainbowsandroses pointed out) the ones who lack humour (which is an essential point to me) the love-bombers, the “I love yous” after one date, the boring, the ones who have no life and would text all day long, negative personalities, the ones only looking for sex, the players, etc etc… 

You can learn a lot about someone in early stages through text, and cut people way faster… 

I also agree it’s all about balance, and trying not to reach out to much. I think it should be 80%him and 20%her. Also try not to respond immediately. Wait one hour, then 20 minutes, then 5 hours… and from time to time you reply quickly. Also try to change the pattern. Sometimes send a photo, sometimes a audio, don’t be boring, and never reach out when you have nothing to say. Avoid the “what’s up text”… 

be interesting, funny, kind like if you were talking to a friend. And never share anything too deep through text, keep this for in person meets… 

In regard to your actual guy, I also sense there is something off. Might not be that compatible with you after all. Give it another try on a second date if you feel like to, but I wouldn’t play my cards on that one… JMO 

Huh?  They put in tons of effort planning dates in advance.  I didn’t have a cell phone until I was married and very pregnant. In 2009. I had external email starting in the late 90s. The effort that mattered was asking me out on dates they planned in advance and we’d probably talk once a week and maybe another time to plan or confirm. See each other once or twice a week. To me that’s more than enough effort to show interest in dating.
Typing messages takes almost no effort and I didn’t message or talk long if there wasn’t another date planned. I much prefer the effort of asking out and planning than texting randomly and not asking the person out or enthusiastically accepting a date if I asked the guy which I did after several dates. Also I waited months to have sex until we were exclusive and in love with serious potential for marriage - with one exception in one relationship which I regretted. These men were on the same page with me on that. And serious minded.  

Which meant effort to include me in their lives in meaningful ways. Not just calling. Having me meet their friends and colleagues and later family and wanting to meet mine. In person. That takes real effort IMO. 

I’m baffled as to why you would think I made it “easy”.  By contrast I know of many women who accept last minute hang out dates from near strangers and hang on every text and emoji and social media “like “ but accept last minute afterthought hangout dates and are ready to have sex to keep the guy interested despite not really being into casual sex (I know some women enjoy sex right away - I’m talking about the women who settle for scraps and do the third date sex thing because it’s better than being “rejected”. ). 
I enjoyed being courted and on my end I showed a lot of interest and later bought small thoughtful gifts and offered to treat for dates and showed affection and interest in the men as people. Not by typing messages. In person and in real phone calls that took effort to make time for. But totally worth it. 
I don’t think random check in texts or texting about daily minutae gives the right sort of information or how the person communicates.  Again just my opinion. 

I’ll give you another example of meaningful effort and thought. My future husband and I got back together about two week before my birthday. He was out of town on my birthday so we planned to go out a week later. We met at my place.
He gave me a gorgeous heart necklace. Big surprise to me - hadn’t expected a gift actually. . I wanted to wear it to dinner. He helped put it on - inches from my neck and we had yet to have a real romantic kiss. He didn’t kiss me then. He kissed me later after dinner back at my place. Magical kiss.
 

I asked him later why he didn’t kiss me as he put on my beautiful necklace. He said “I wanted to wait.  I didn’t want it to seem like I was taking advantage of you asking me to help with the necklace even though I wanted to kiss you. Talk about “communication “ - that speaks volumes. Showing that you care that much how you might  come across for a first kiss.  I’d trade that for a romantic text that says “I can’t wait to kiss you when the moment is right “. 

[MrMan1983]

41 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This is precisely what I was referring to by being a poor communicator.  I mean what type of person texts "omg" and nothing else?

Either a man playing games hoping to elicit a reaction - "Wait"!  "What"?  "What happened"?  Leaving you in suspense and wondering if the date is still on.

Or a man who sucks at communicating.

Depends if the ‘omg’ was out the blue or in response to whatever convo or ‘text bants’ they were having. If the latter then no big deal, convo may of just reached its conclusion which is fine if they have a date planned now. If the former though then yep bit weird! 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Depends if the ‘omg’ was out the blue or in response to whatever convo or ‘text bants’ they were having. If the latter then no big deal, convo may of just reached its conclusion which is fine if they have a date planned now. If the former though then yep bit weird! 

Bolded, fair point!  @Alex39can you clarify?

[Type O Negative]

On 6/24/2023 at 3:56 PM, boltnrun said:

 

'..I make communication choices every day professionally - should I email or call? E-mail at what time -attach a document now or later, set up a zoom face to face? And with friends we decide how to communicate about various things - some things are great for text or email others require a phone call.  It's obvious it's all a "form" of communication..'

 

What in heaven's name do your work /friends comms choices have to do with the point of OP's post?

Ah nevermind.

O P,

I'm all for texting as much as two people want, regardless if it's after your first or tenth date. I'd kind of follow his lead though, at this stage. Wish you luck!